Is this too much to ask?

[Peachey 10]

Hi All!

Something I need objective opinions about here.

If everything goes to plan and I get my visa by December, I am planning on moving down to the US on December 26-27. My mom being the nice person she is (and being my mother) wants to help me move and stay for a week to help get me settled.

Here's the problem. Christmas with my in-laws is scheduled for Jan 1 (These people like to schedule so much it scares me). My mother will still be in town for the Christmas celebration. My fiance's mother and sister are insisting that my mom not be invited to Christmas. This completely baffles my mind because if his family was up here for Christmas they would be invited to everything.

The MIL and SIL have started to compromise by saying that she can hang out with us all day but has to leave when it's time to eat dinner and open presents... which I find extremely rude.

I just don't understand, what's the big deal? The SIL is saying it's because she doesn't get to see us too often so just wants it to be us.

My mom is very important to me and I won't get to see her until I get my AP at least, which can be like 3 months.

My fiance is on my side here, but can't seem to get through to his mom or sister. His dad just kinda sits there until something blows up then he takes charge.

Am I asking too much to have my mom included in the Christmas festivities?

Keep in mind my fiance's family are VERY Christian people.

[Sprailenes 47]

It's more disturbing that they wouldn't want your mother involved and very rude indeed.

[meowmeowmeow 1]

i don't think that is very "christian like" behavior.

perhaps if they knew how hurt you were that they were excluding your mother from their festivities might help? and how would your mom being there exactly take time away from seeing you? that's ridiculous. sorry but they sound retarded. i guess unless fiance puts his foot down or something, there's no sure way of dealing with this.

sorry

[bowflex 0]

I honestly can't think of anything else in this situation that could be more rude. As you're marrying into the family don't they realize your entire family will now become part of their family? Luckily my family and my wife's get along incredibly well but if for some reason they didn't and I was in your position, I'd actually probably not attend at all.

I'm not even particularly religious at all but isn't part of Christmas supposed to be about spreading cheer and being together with family? What a horrible precedent to set on a new family, I'm very sorry to hear that

[sdw 10]

I agree that's very rude.

[SonoranSongbird 3]

I think that is absolutely shocking that they cannot invite your mom---and, as mentioned, NOT very Christian at all.

[bowflex 0]

My older brother actually goes through quite a few situations like this with my mom so I can also let you know how bad it can get if it keeps going. My bro's wife's parents divorced and now both re-married so the family on her side has double sets of everything which of course require a whole lot of time. Every single Christmas and Easter, because her family is religious, her side has dibbs on their time because my bro's wife doesn't think that my folks are as important as hers. This has been going on for quite a few years now and I often catch my mom crying in another room while the parties are going on.

I'd do your very best to get your SO on this and include everyone as a heck of a lot of resentment and hurt feelings are in the future if it keeps going. I wish you the best of luck, what a horrible situation!

Edited August 18, 2009 by bowflex

[Ban Hammer 13,590]

I agree that's very rude.

agreed also.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

It's beyond rude, and unrealistic to think that you would ditch your mom that day! "oh, sorry mom..i have to go be with my inlaws who dont want you there, bye" OR their other option, which i think is even more akward "come on mom, BUT..you have to leave when we eat because you arent invited...here's some bus fare" SHEESH!

Im sorry. What a zoo. I hope your fiance can get through to them somehow.

[SonoranSongbird 3]

You know, it is hard for me to think of any valid reason they could have, but maybe they do have legitimate concerns you can put to rest for them. For example, maybe it is a case of not wanting to shop for gifts for your mom, whom they don't know well and don't usually have at their gatherings. In that case, just assuring them she won't really care and just wants to spend the time with you might be enough. Or maybe, if your fiance's family is large, they don't want to have a precedent of inviting all of the in-laws to Christmas because it would just be unmanageable. In that case, emphasizing that it really is just because she is in town might alleviate whatever concern they have. That is really giving them the benefit of the doubt, but it might be worth trying to figure out what their malfunction is.

Otherwise, I think in your position, I would tell them that mom visiting from out of town takes precedence. Surely they have to accept that you can't just leave your mom home alone on a holiday while she is visiting (and yes, I know it is not actually Christmas day, but still). Let them know you will spend the holiday with them next year, but your mom is visiting and if she is not welcome to join you, you'll have to decline their invitation. Well, that's what i would say. But that is without knowing these people, and like I said, I'd try to figure out what their problem is first.

[thetreble 19]

That's the kind of BS that I hate in families. It's your MOM! If my inlaws told me my mum wasn't invited, I'd tell them.." Okay, I understand, then I won't be attending Christmas as I will be spending it with her.."

I HATE exclusivity, especially when it comes to families.

With the recent marriage of my brother in law to his psycho wife, this is the kind of stuff I'm sure I have to look forward to. :/

[Hugglebuggles 60]

So, let me get this straight, they say they only want it to be you and your fiance for Christmas because they don't get to see you very often? But you're moving down there! You'll be seeing them a lot more now that you don't live up in Canada. Maybe they need to think about that a little. Have you tried that approach? Telling them you'll be around quite often now that you've living in the US, and that you will encourage your fiance to spend more time with his family?

I agree with everyone, that's completely rude! I'm sure your mother isn't that keen on spending Christmas away from her family, and she's going out of her way to help you move and to support you in your big life change. The least they can do is be a little accommodating. I don't blame you for being upset!

[ozone_1974 1]

That is just so plain wrong !

Personally, if they continue excluding your mom, I would just not attend at all and spend Christmas with your mother and your fiance.

They are really starting in a bad way and their behavior is inexcusable.

Stick with people that makes sense and leave aside the ones you do not like, even if they are your in law family, you do not have to force yourself accepting such rude behavior.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

#######?!?!

Over my dead body would anyone dare not consider my mother in a situation like that. This is beyond rude. I don't fvcking think so.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Wow! That is incredibly rude and insensitive.

I would be so tempted to let them understand how it feels by letting your husband tell them that the two of you won't be able to join his family for Christmas either if your Mom isn't invited, that the two of you will do Christmas on your own and both families - your Mom and his Mom are invited to join you. I doubt he will do that cause it is a pretty hard place to go, but maybe the threat might make them realize how incredibly unreasonable they are being.

Yipes, I still can't believe they actually said that to you. Just unbelievable.

Edited August 18, 2009 by Kathryn41