Domestic issues...or cultural differences in the kitchen

[Joel Halfwassen 0]

Okay...I know that something like this has been posted a TON of times, but I need to vent anyways. My wife's mother has browbeaten my wife because I am the one that cooks. I love to cook and I am a great cook. My wife hates to cook and is not so great of a cook (I kind of think the two go hand in hand). My mother-in-law is saying that is it humiliating for a husband to cook for a wife. Cooking is domestic and is theirfore a woman's job. I know that among Katya's friends she is the envy because she has a husband who cooks AND does the dishes afterward. A man cooking and cleaning just doesn't exist in Ukraine. Now my wife is trying to keep me out of the kitchen because she has been convinced that she is being humiliated AND is humiliating me by having me cook.

My question is this...how do I get back into the kitchen while saving face with everyone. I have a feeling that this will be less of an issue when she finally gets to the States and sees that it is common for men to cook for themselves and their families, but in the meantime...

Joel

[46]

Okay...I know that something like this has been posted a TON of times, but I need to vent anyways. My wife's mother has browbeaten my wife because I am the one that cooks. I love to cook and I am a great cook. My wife hates to cook and is not so great of a cook (I kind of think the two go hand in hand). My mother-in-law is saying that is it humiliating for a husband to cook for a wife. Cooking is domestic and is theirfore a woman's job. I know that among Katya's friends she is the envy because she has a husband who cooks AND does the dishes afterward. A man cooking and cleaning just doesn't exist in Ukraine. Now my wife is trying to keep me out of the kitchen because she has been convinced that she is being humiliated AND is humiliating me by having me cook.

My question is this...how do I get back into the kitchen while saving face with everyone. I have a feeling that this will be less of an issue when she finally gets to the States and sees that it is common for men to cook for themselves and their families, but in the meantime...

Joel

You've called this perfectly. In the Ukraine, you've lost. It is about face for both of you that she cook and clean. Take the load off in other, more subtle places.

I'm sure America will be a different ball-game.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

How about working out a compromise - sharing the cooking? Let her know that this is part of the way couples work together in the US (and Canada) and that some of the best times can be had when you are both working together in the kitchen. Offer to introduce her to some American style of food while she is treating you to her Ukrainian dishes. My husband loves to cook as well and generally takes over the kitchen on weekends. Everything he makes is flavourful, and lets him enjoy his familiar 'southern' style of menu while during the week I cook. We often will work together preparing breakfasts on Saturday and Sunday and that is part of our weekend togetherness routine. Yes, she will see that it is quite common for men to cook in the US so if all else fails, allow her to keep her status in her mother's and friends eyes for now and let her do the cooking; you will have time enough to develop your own patterns when you return to the States.

[gimygirl 0]

definitely a cultural thing for the moment, joel!! my husband and i switch off and on with who cooks ... he even emails mum for recipes!!!

are you living with her parents? just curious if you could cook off and on as well or if there are people around? at this point i would just recommend that you pick your battles! and resuming cooking when you come home!!

[Artegal 1]

My wife won't let me in the kitchen either--says it ain't a place for man. Anyway--she will allow me to make breakfast--she ain't always an early riser. But as far as your case--I would be respectful to your wife's family and traditions. Let her be the main cook, and perhaps you could continue doing the cooking at times--or get a fancy barbecue grill and cook outside, that is definately a man's domain.

[Joel Halfwassen 0]

It is kind of funny that you guys bring up the idea of 'compromise'. While we are in Ukraine the 'comprimise' has been she cooks the I get to do the dishes...by hand. Not quite what I had in mind, but I laugh each time I think about it.

Joel

[rebeccajo 14]

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Plenty of time for playing Emeril once you are in the States.

If she won't let you then - I'm hiring.

[Fuzzness 2]

while in the Ukraine, let her cook. While in the US, you cook. While in the US, her mother shouldn't be on your butt because things are different here!

[Artegal 1]

While here in the USA if the Mother-In-Law gives you problems about cooking--just explain that we use non-metric Ovens and Stoves--so it would be confusing for her daughter to cook.

[I'm Gone 60]

My question is this...how do I get back into the kitchen while saving face with everyone. I have a feeling that this will be less of an issue when she finally gets to the States and sees that it is common for men to cook for themselves and their families, but in the meantime...

Let her mow the grass and wash the car and call it even. LOL

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

My question is this...how do I get back into the kitchen while saving face with everyone. I have a feeling that this will be less of an issue when she finally gets to the States and sees that it is common for men to cook for themselves and their families, but in the meantime...

Let her mow the grass and wash the car and call it even. LOL

[Mandi+Ryan 1]

Compromising is a MAJOR key to all relationships. At least you CAN cook.

[orchidvn 0]

Hi Joel,

It seems that housework just belongs to women so long long time ago. Women are born as though they will take care of all housework at home while their hubby is working outside to earn money or look after the big issue. Actually same in my country, so many people just have the same idea as your mother-in-law and wife think. And so many men here never want to touch their hands in order to help their wives at home when they finish their job early, they think that this is wife’s duty. For those ideas like that are very superficial. In my opinion, that’s not fair if all women do all things at home while all men ignore it. When being husband and wife, that couple should share all things together, that’s good to know that you want to share things, such as preparing meals at home with your wife. I think you should talk to your wife and convince her that cooking is only her job, but you two can help each others in cooking in order to change different tastes. Tell her that there is nothing to be humiliated if hubby wants to cook meal or take care other things at home, you do that because you enjoy it.

[pedroh 21]

but the problem is.. if the wife's cooking sucks (im in the same situation lawl.. my wife is not the greatest cook, so.. I cook, she bakes desserts, cuz she rules doing that) why would u want to stop cooking? I love my wife, but not cuz of that I'm gonna stop enjoying the pleasure of good food.

[chri'stina 190]

while in the Ukraine, let her cook. While in the US, you cook. While in the US, her mother shouldn't be on your butt because things are different here!

Sujeet cooks Indian food very well, and cooked for himself while living alone in India, something that always bothered his mom because she wanted someone cooking for him. It's a cultural thing in India, but in the US we both cook. He enjoys it and does it on weekends mostly(he gets home too late from work during the week to cook, so of course I cook usually). I would never forbid him from the kitchen, his food is too yummy! But in India it would be odd if he cooked meals for me, although he wouldn't be afraid to do it anyway. Just his mom or sisters would maybe think it's not right.