Relationship Failed: Would you have told her?

[eekee 182]

I think some caring lies or silence can be kinder than dumping the hard truth on someone. In this situation, the children and the new wife might be better served by living in the present and future, and not let the past pull them down or make them live in the ugly past.

What exactly is served by telling her about the abuse? As for the children, they will probably need help later on in their adult lives than right now. A clean, loving, happy start is better than immediately throwing everyone into this trauma.

I think it's a fact that most marriages break up when the wife tells the husband she was raped. It's just too hard to recover from. Ideally, we would all handle this like social workers but we are vulnerable weak people, not mental health professionals.

We are all more dishonest than we care to admit and often the dishonesty is to to protect others from our bad behaviors and messy lives. That is what is involved with cheating. Should we tell our new wives we cheated on our past wife? Shrinks will sometimes advise against telling the truth in such cases.

Sorry, but I think that this is terrible advice. If someone was raped in their past, absolutely anyone they are serious about has to know because it will DRASTICALLY affect how they react in certain situations. Where are you getting your statistics that most marriages break up because the wife told the husband she was raped in the past?

I don't think it's possible for johnj's fiancee to properly function in the her role as stepmother, or even in her role as his wife, without knowing this HUGE part of his and his daughters' lives. I would be terribly angry if I found out that I married someone and had been living with them for a decade or so and then found out something like that later on.

Edited August 4, 2009 by eekee

[johnj 0]

I think some caring lies or silence can be kinder than dumping the hard truth on someone. In this situation, the children and the new wife might be better served by living in the present and future, and not let the past pull them down or make them live in the ugly past.

What exactly is served by telling her about the abuse? As for the children, they will probably need help later on in their adult lives than right now. A clean, loving, happy start is better than immediately throwing everyone into this trauma.

I think it's a fact that most marriages break up when the wife tells the husband she was raped. It's just too hard to recover from. Ideally, we would all handle this like social workers but we are vulnerable weak people, not mental health professionals.

We are all more dishonest than we care to admit and often the dishonesty is to to protect others from our bad behaviors and messy lives. That is what is involved with cheating. Should we tell our new wives we cheated on our past wife? Shrinks will sometimes advise against telling the truth in such cases.

I have so many comments about your statements I do not even know where to start; most are better left in my head and not expressed on this forum.

The children are now adults; this situation was a part of their lives and will continue to be a part of their lives; they do not live in the past but the past is part of their lives.

My fiancee needed to know so she would understand why I am not close to my mother; would understand the problems my girls face in everyday life, etc.

Any Shrink that advised me to lie would not be my Shrink. I have never cheated on any wives or ex-girlfriends-if I had-I would tell her; I believe in honesty.

Edited August 4, 2009 by johnj

[mox 298]

I think some caring lies or silence can be kinder than dumping the hard truth on someone. In this situation, the children and the new wife might be better served by living in the present and future, and not let the past pull them down or make them live in the ugly past.

What exactly is served by telling her about the abuse? As for the children, they will probably need help later on in their adult lives than right now. A clean, loving, happy start is better than immediately throwing everyone into this trauma.

I think it's a fact that most marriages break up when the wife tells the husband she was raped. It's just too hard to recover from. Ideally, we would all handle this like social workers but we are vulnerable weak people, not mental health professionals.

We are all more dishonest than we care to admit and often the dishonesty is to to protect others from our bad behaviors and messy lives. That is what is involved with cheating. Should we tell our new wives we cheated on our past wife? Shrinks will sometimes advise against telling the truth in such cases.

Sorry, but I think that this is terrible advice. If someone was raped in their past, absolutely anyone they are serious about has to know because it will DRASTICALLY affect how they react in certain situations. Where are you getting your statistics that most marriages break up because the wife told the husband she was raped in the past?

I don't think it's possible for johnj's fiancee to properly function in the her role as stepmother, or even in her role as his wife, without knowing this HUGE part of his and his daughters' lives. I would be terribly angry if I found out that I married someone and had been living with them for a decade or so and then found out something like that later on.

100% agreed. There are parts about your past that it's ok to omit. This is not one of them. I'd be furious with my SO withheld this information from me, especially if I learned about it from somebody else.

[Brad and Vika 129]

I think some caring lies or silence can be kinder than dumping the hard truth on someone. In this situation, the children and the new wife might be better served by living in the present and future, and not let the past pull them down or make them live in the ugly past.

What exactly is served by telling her about the abuse? As for the children, they will probably need help later on in their adult lives than right now. A clean, loving, happy start is better than immediately throwing everyone into this trauma.

I think it's a fact that most marriages break up when the wife tells the husband she was raped. It's just too hard to recover from. Ideally, we would all handle this like social workers but we are vulnerable weak people, not mental health professionals.

We are all more dishonest than we care to admit and often the dishonesty is to to protect others from our bad behaviors and messy lives. That is what is involved with cheating. Should we tell our new wives we cheated on our past wife? Shrinks will sometimes advise against telling the truth in such cases.

Sorry, but I think that this is terrible advice. If someone was raped in their past, absolutely anyone they are serious about has to know because it will DRASTICALLY affect how they react in certain situations. Where are you getting your statistics that most marriages break up because the wife told the husband she was raped in the past?

I don't think it's possible for johnj's fiancee to properly function in the her role as stepmother, or even in her role as his wife, without knowing this HUGE part of his and his daughters' lives. I would be terribly angry if I found out that I married someone and had been living with them for a decade or so and then found out something like that later on.

100% agreed. There are parts about your past that it's ok to omit. This is not one of them. I'd be furious with my SO withheld this information from me, especially if I learned about it from somebody else.

Ditto. Imagine the remorse if she found out after the wedding - and all the trouble, with that hanging over the relationship. You don't want the constant "what else have you not told me" conversations and feelings.

[Marzy 1]

I supposed not to post here because I don't know anything abour Russian culture. Anyway, don't disclose the privacy of your children to your woman or anyone who knows you if possible but this is up to you, you know what's best for you, your woman, and children.

It's enough for her to know about your father.

Edited August 5, 2009 by S*J

[L179 1]

well its totally up to you. i believe honesty is the best policy. if you were like your father you would not have shared. but to each its own.

sorry to hear your story

[Thomas-n-Elena 0]

The truth is you came to us for opinions which you got many of the only codicil is you are the best judge of how your SO will handle things. Remember also we are guys we do things all the times that our SO will get angry about.

Time is the important thing, the more your SO knows and understands what type of man you are the easier she will be able to put this in the past. I believe you were right in telling her, if you try and keep something like this from her and she finds out things would be 10x worse. If she truly loves you, she will see past this horrible part of your families history and realize the impact it had on you and your kids and how you are working to overcome this.

Good luck Im sure things will be as they should.

[mox 298]

The truth is you came to us for opinions which you got many of the only codicil is you are the best judge of how your SO will handle things. Remember also we are guys we do things all the times that our SO will get angry about.

Hmm. Great point, really. In asking for opinions, the reader should be ready to hear even those he doesn't want to hear. A lesson we should all learn.

[slim 1,533]

Opinions are kind of like @$$#oles.

[Ban Hammer 13,622]

Opinions are kind of like @$$#oles.

but are they hairy too?

[slim 1,533]

Opinions are kind of like @$$#oles.

but are they hairy too?

I heard they started bleaching them now. #######?

[bhajishah 4]

So we are now suppose to tell you that her culture and thinking is wrong.?? and you did the right thing?? her thinking and culture is her thinking and culture. Youdid the right thing but a bit to late, Yougoing to have to live with it and the sins your father. Consider it when finding a mate again, put it out there fairly early. esp in foreign relationship, which have different thinking, values and etc ideas on things. Sometimes love doesnt conquer all, she doesnt know youenought to love you that deeply, that would come with time and yrs married.

[Brad and Vika 129]

Yougoing to have to live with it and the sins your father.

[mox 298]

So we are now suppose to tell you that her culture and thinking is wrong.?? and you did the right thing?? her thinking and culture is her thinking and culture. Youdid the right thing but a bit to late, Yougoing to have to live with it and the sins your father. Consider it when finding a mate again, put it out there fairly early. esp in foreign relationship, which have different thinking, values and etc ideas on things. Sometimes love doesnt conquer all, she doesnt know youenought to love you that deeply, that would come with time and yrs married.

At leat you have a username that fits your advice. Well done.

[johnj 0]

So we are now suppose to tell you that her culture and thinking is wrong.?? and you did the right thing?? her thinking and culture is her thinking and culture. Youdid the right thing but a bit to late, Yougoing to have to live with it and the sins your father. Consider it when finding a mate again, put it out there fairly early. esp in foreign relationship, which have different thinking, values and etc ideas on things. Sometimes love doesnt conquer all, she doesnt know youenought to love you that deeply, that would come with time and yrs married.

My first thoughts after reading your reply was "What planet are you from"; after a day to reflect I now wonder "What solar system are you from"? Next time, before you provide your insight, take a few moments to read the entire post. If you had taken the few minutes necessary, you would clearly seen we worked out the problem; it was necessary to tell her so she could interact with my adult children and I had sought counsel before telling her. You state, "sometimes love doesnt conquer all", "she doesnt know youenought tolove you that deeply, that would come with time and yrs married" - Anyone that does not love me enough ("that deeply") would not be my future wife.