Relationship Failed: Would you have told her?

[DanielleandChad 0]

Let me first start by saying I am so sorry for what happened to your children and what you have been through. My heart goes out to you. Yes this is something that you should tell your future wife. She needs to have this information so she is better able to understand your daughter's situation's in order to be there for them as their new step-mother.

I know that different cultures view things differently but there is never a time when it's ok to punish the child for the sins of the father. You should have been up front with her about this since you said it was inevidable it would come out later but if someone truly loves you they wouldn't leave you for horrible acts commited by someone else. Give her some time, I'm sure she was hurt that you weren't honest with her and she has a million things going through her mind right now. Be patint and give her some space and hopefully things will work themselves out.

Just remember that you love her and that she probably feels betrayed right now that you kept this huge secret from her that you let her firends know. Patience is a virtue that would be good to have right now. I wish you both the best of luck.

[1HappyGuy 45]

Of course, telling her the truth is important. But, finding the right time and circumstances to tell someone about this is difficult. I, like others, don't think you should give up on her. This was a terrible shock to her. Give time a chance and start fresh with her. Keep her informed of your involvement with your daughters and what you have tried to do to help them return to more normal lives.

Showing her what you have done to help your daughters will hold more weight with her about who you are. Women from this part of the world respect men more that have a large involvement in their children's lives. If after trying to reconcile with her, she can not accept you, well then you will have to move on.

This is an extremely difficult problem and discussing it with anyone is hard. Those that have criticized you for this don't have a clue.

Trust to time, her understanding and God's plan.

[johnj 0]

We have had a good discussion; we have a better understanding. She understands better why I felt I must tell her. Mostly, she was worried for parents and their impressions, they are very old country and this is not accepted in their culture.

Many of you were correct; long distance relationships are difficult; take lots of understanding and finesse (I am not good at finesse, I am like a steamroller or sledge hammer).

We have made great progress

[NArocks 13]

Excellent news John I hope it works out for the best

[baron555 934]

We have had a good discussion; we have a better understanding. She understands better why I felt I must tell her. Mostly, she was worried for parents and their impressions, they are very old country and this is not accepted in their culture.

Many of you were correct; long distance relationships are difficult; take lots of understanding and finesse (I am not good at finesse, I am like a steamroller or sledge hammer).

We have made great progress

Great build upon that. Maybe it is flowers time?

Maybe this family secret doesn't need to be shared with everyone; maybe just right now.

Alll families have that secret that the adults whisper about when they get drunk at the family get-together.

[Chris_Жанна 11]

We have had a good discussion; we have a better understanding. She understands better why I felt I must tell her. Mostly, she was worried for parents and their impressions, they are very old country and this is not accepted in their culture.

Many of you were correct; long distance relationships are difficult; take lots of understanding and finesse (I am not good at finesse, I am like a steamroller or sledge hammer).

We have made great progress

Excellent news! I'm happy that things are looking up for you. Sounds like she just freaked a little and has stabilized. Hopefully, this situation will only fortify your relationship from this point on. Best of luck to you.

[eekee 182]

I'm glad things are better for you. I don't think that this is something the in-laws need to know, though. Obviously, it's something SHE needs to know, if she is going to function as your children's stepmother, but her parents don't.

[mox 298]

I'm glad things are better for you. I don't think that this is something the in-laws need to know, though. Obviously, it's something SHE needs to know, if she is going to function as your children's stepmother, but her parents don't.

Seconded. There's a lot about my SO that my family has no business knowing, and there's a lot about my life that my SO's family has no business knowing. Don't let this be a snag on the path to getting it all worked out.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Brother john, I am so happy for you both

[Thomas-n-Elena 0]

We have had a good discussion; we have a better understanding. She understands better why I felt I must tell her. Mostly, she was worried for parents and their impressions, they are very old country and this is not accepted in their culture.

Many of you were correct; long distance relationships are difficult; take lots of understanding and finesse (I am not good at finesse, I am like a steamroller or sledge hammer).

We have made great progress

Communication is always the key, it gets you into trouble and will get you out. Just dont let her find pictures of ex girlfriends in the trash in your basement you will be answering questions for day. "Why did you keep them?, Do you still think about her? Why didnt you throw them out?, Why were you hiding them in the basement?" My head is spinning. Sorry had a little tangential thinking going on there. Good luck and give it some time.

[slim 1,525]

Just dont let her find pictures of ex girlfriends in the trash in your basement you will be answering questions for day. "Why did you keep them?, Do you still think about her? Why didnt you throw them out?, Why were you hiding them in the basement?"

What's nice about the digital age is you can store everything on a CD and "hide" it right out in the open amongst all the other stupid fotos she'd never want to look at. "Why you have zis disk about foto from junior high?"

[justashooter 430]

telling the intended was the right choice, in this case. the children are already a part of your life, and anyone else who moves into your life needs to accept them, as they are. they cannot be expected to trust a new wife and keep a secret like this from her at the same time. their best case recovery demands that they are enabled to develop trust relationships with people close to them.

you're a good dad for putting your daughters first.

[Thomas-n-Elena 0]

I agree telling your SO is right letting the rest of the family in on it is a discussion you should both have and decide mutually. She is a much better barometer of her parents reaction than you can estimate. When things cool down a little more and you are moving forward again, talk to her about discussing it with the parents, if she thinks its a bad idea than go with that.

[visaveteran 1]

I think some caring lies or silence can be kinder than dumping the hard truth on someone. In this situation, the children and the new wife might be better served by living in the present and future, and not let the past pull them down or make them live in the ugly past.

What exactly is served by telling her about the abuse? As for the children, they will probably need help later on in their adult lives than right now. A clean, loving, happy start is better than immediately throwing everyone into this trauma.

I think it's a fact that most marriages break up when the wife tells the husband she was raped. It's just too hard to recover from. Ideally, we would all handle this like social workers but we are vulnerable weak people, not mental health professionals.

We are all more dishonest than we care to admit and often the dishonesty is to to protect others from our bad behaviors and messy lives. That is what is involved with cheating. Should we tell our new wives we cheated on our past wife? Shrinks will sometimes advise against telling the truth in such cases.

[Brad and Vika 129]

Happy to hear you are still in contact and working this out. With effort, luck, and love, this will be one of many things that you worked out together over a long relationship.