Relationship Failed: Would you have told her?

[johnj 0]

I do not want to go into all the gory details but here is a summary.

Natalya and I have filed a K1 visa. My father has a sorted past; I was advised not to tell Natalya about his past back in May. I told her yesterday and it appears our relationship has ended.

Ok, here is the summary: My father was arrested about 13 years ago for sexual abuse of my daughters. Between getting out of jail and trial, he committed suicide. As a forensic scientist, I was permitted to see the evidence; there was no doubt of guilt (photos, videos, etc).

I believe in honesty, complete honesty. I was told by her friends not to share this because it would not be accepted in the Russian community (my evil father, I, the son, must be evil). I thought carefully about it and decided in order to respect myself I needed to share this news with her. Anyway she would learn of it when she came to America as my daughters were 9 and 11 at the time of the sexual abuse (they have had extensive counseling).

Here is my questions; should I have shared this with my future wife?

Request we keep this post in Russian Forum but others are welcome to comment

Edited July 28, 2009 by john and natalya

[Svetlana 0]

I don't think she needs to know this. But this is up to person.

You only can feel what's can a happen if you tell her thru

[daboyz 36]

I don't think she needs to know this. But this is up to person.

You only can feel what's can a happen if you tell her thru

I was advised not to tell Natalya about his past back in May. I told her yesterday and it appears our relationship has ended.

Sounds like he already told her.

[johnj 0]

Sounds like he already told her.

Yes, yesterday.

[payxibka 10,045]

if it was inevitable that she would have learned of this... if the reaction would have been similar regardles of when she learned of this, is it not better that she found out now (for you, her and your kids) before significant emotional attachment had been made by all parties involved?

Edited July 28, 2009 by payxibka

[ddartt1 2]

You did the right thing because I believe it is good to be honest with your fiance. What your father did is unacceptable but she should not treat you like you are the criminal. I think its better if it ended now rather than later when you are married. Pass our regards to your daughters.

[raymaga 25]

I think you did the right thing by telling her, especially since, if she found out later, she would probably be even more angry that you didn't tell her.

The outcome probably would have been the same, only like other posters have said, then there would be a lot more to lose after she was already in the U.S.

My heart goes out to you.... you are paying the price for the "sins of your father".... it's not really fair.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

I am sorry to hear about all this, my heart goes out to your daughters. I cannot blame Natalya: this was too important an issue to not mention it. To wait until she was here to open up about it seems extremely selfish on your part.

[raymaga 25]

I am sorry to hear about all this, my heart goes out to your daughters. I cannot blame Natalya: this was too important an issue to not mention it. To wait until she was here to open up about it seems extremely selfish on your part.

She is not here yet, they just applied for the K-1 visa.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

I am sorry to hear about all this, my heart goes out to your daughters. I cannot blame Natalya: this was too important an issue to not mention it. To wait until she was here to open up about it seems extremely selfish on your part.

She is not here yet, they just applied for the K-1 visa.

I know that sister raymaga. But how can you ask someone to marry you without full disclosure of something so tremendously important? It is simply not very fair, me thinks. And no, I am not saying john is a bad person -- he made -in my opinion- a big mistake; and I am not surprised at all of Natalya's reaction.

[amberdima 6]

you did the right thing. you're relationship would have been inhibited with this weight on your shoulders and it's better she found out now from you than later from overhearing convo at the next family barbecue. i'm sorry things ended because of it. maybe she will get over it. best wishes

[Peikko 1,575]

Yes. Don't waste your time wondering if not telling her would have been better - you know that it would not - you needed to disclose which is why you did. If the relationship is over, then you will have to move forward. Perhaps the lesson to learn is to open up in the future when a relationship turns from casual to serious not leave it until there is a pressing need to disclose. Good luck with whatever happens next.

[Thomas-n-Elena 0]

It is said to think that this woman cannot look past what your father did a long time ago and realize it was not you. I understand that the thought will go through peoples heads "What if he is like that". You cant get around her apprehension. Perhaps in a little while she will come to her senses, give it some time perhaps she will come back. As my wife likes to say"If it is meant it to be then it will happen"

Im sorry that things happened between you and natalya, Im even more sorry that something happened to two little girls. I hope that they can overcome this and grow up and be involved with nice wonderful men and have a happy life.

My best to you and yours and I will say a prayer for you.

[ZorValachan 0]

My view (which could be very different than others), is that you seemed to feel guilt at not telling, so did. I do not find fault at you telling her. Each person as an individual can accept or not accept a family's dark past. but living trying to hide such from your wife would eat you alive more and more as the years pass, yet make it even harder to tell...

The thing that strikes me, is that you told her friends first, as you stated they (her friends) were the ones to advise you not to tell her. To her that may seem like a betrayal. You telling deep things to others (other women?) and not to her. This may be a factor that may be as large or larger than the actual telling. It might not make sense to anyone 'logically', but love is not always logical.

The separation in distance, the k-1 process itself and not to mention marriage being one of the 5 most stressful things in life, puts a lot of pressure and emotions on both of you. Adding this, a 'meltdown' from this shock would be normal.

It is a big shock. I would advise to wait a few days. Don't try to just call on the phone or force some confrontation now. Send her sms or email (short email, nothing long) telling her you understand she needs time to think and are ready to talk when she is. If it can be worked out, you can build back up to where you were. If not, you found out before it became worse later.

I would advise not to rush into a conclusion and cancel the petition. If things work out, you won't want to start all over again.

I am truly sorry for your situation. It cannot be easy on either of you.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Im sorry for you and your little girls. It sounds like she ended it because of the act itself, not that you waited to tell her, am I right?

You totally did the right thing in not hiding this from her. Im sorry that it cost your relationship and alot of pain and hurt, but its better to find out now(before your daughters bonded to her after she got here) what her reaction would be.