straight talk about sex

[chinese_mutt 11]

I hope this isnt too forward a subject, but frankly I dont know where else to talk about this at.

Me and my wife got married in January 2008. The day of our marriage, she was going to go "home" which was 45 minutes away, so she could teach at her school the next day. The only reason she didnt do that is because it affected me so much, on our wedding day, that I cried.

We are together now. To this day I have not seen her naked. When we make love, the lights all have to be out. She wont let me touch her sexually unless we make love, and then only on her breasts. It really affects me....... We go round and round about this.

Is it cultural? Am I an idiot to be so affected? It is affecting our relationship.

Am very serious with this topic.

Thanks

WOW, thats not good. I do note that the Filipinos are far more conservative and they do not seem to have open conversations about sex as compared to here.But even so I would venture she is sexually repressed. It is more than cultural. Perhaps she had stern parents? Perhaps she is a victim of abuse or some type of bad experience that has left her unable to open herself to enjoying sex.

I am not sure how to deal with that. I know this sounds off a little but, uhm, get her drunk? Perhaps try a massage with her clothes on. She needs to "feel the tingle" and release them endorphins thingees. Good luck with your situation.

Maybe not drunk, stinky drunk, but just tipsy. Alcohol would losen up some inhibitions.

[thongd4me 69]

Perhaps she had a high expectation about life here in the US. when she already here and figured it out for herself she doesn't like it, she regret and developed a resentment towards him. if she always treated him cold, soon he will develop a resentment too.

I also thought that they are both in their 20's because they are acting like it.

Great post Lotus. I see we think alike. I also agree the religion issue is poison, it

will cloud their judgement and act like an angry parent unable to separate squabbling children.

For my Thai fiancee and I, religion is a non-issue of acceptance. I fully participate whenever we

go to a Wat and she has said she will try to understand about Christianity when put in sutuations

where she will attend services or ceremonies or whatever. Her son went to a Jesuit HS in BKK,

but they are both Buddhists and he has not (and should not) converted. I am not Catholic.

Before I met my Japanese wife of 20 years (now soon to be ex-wife) I had a Japanese live-in GF

for over 7 years. My wife would never tell me what was on her mind, but after days or weeks or

months she would get angry and stay angry over some alleged infraction or incident that was

already old. MY GF, on the other hand would get VERY angry immediately (why didn't you kiss me

when you came home?) and after an hour of being furious she would apologize, I would apologize

and we would laugh about it and then have awesome sex. That to me is the best way to clear the air.

I think couples should have a "mission statement," "goal" or "motto"

of some kind that they can agree on.

If you're not a gifted communicator, you can steal one like I did.

I saw somewhere (magazine, internet, video?) that Kevin Bacon was interviewed once on the topic

of his marriage, as a celebrity/actor yet being in a happy marriage.

He said something like:

"The secret of a happy marriage is to keep the sex dirty and the fighting clean."

Sheer genius.

I am the luckiest guy in the world because my Thai fiancee is 100% in agreement with that.

Also these are a few other things I learned about conflict resolution:

1) Avoid at all costs the words "always" and "never"

- refrain from absolutes of any kind, they are difficult to go back on.

2) Practice feedback. Ask him/her how they are feeling and and then paraphrase it in your own words

saying, "is this how you feel?"

3) Avoid the phrases "Why do you?' and "Are you unhappy" - same effect as always & never, because

they will be thrown back at the questioner as parries to attacking behavior.

4) Don't blame the other person, 3rd persons, your job, her job, the man in the moon, Ben Bernanke, period.

Ending the dysfunction can be accomplished by cooperation, not blaming.

5) Don't try to have your "heart to heart" during sex. Time for lovemaking is to be devoted 100% to making

the OTHER person happy. Your happiness will come when the other person feels the same way.

You just had a blast and reaching for cigarettes....She says

"oh honey, you know I overdrew our bank account by $50,000 last month."

He says "you know darling I just had an affair."

- This is not the best time to bring up such issues.

Solution: find a neutral place & time.

[bulaklak 0]

Great post Lotus. I see we think alike. I also agree the religion issue is poison, it

will cloud their judgement and act like an angry parent unable to separate squabbling children.

May I say,,, "Great mind think alike"

[spartan 2]

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"

"Haven't you read," Jesus replied, "that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"

Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, EXCEPT FOR MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS, and marries another woman commits adultery."

The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."

Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.

[/color]

I know it is easy to say that Marriage is sacred but that is the truth.....it is sacred. And I know people divorce their partner for other reason too but BEFORE you DECIDE to get married, "use discernment". If your partner loves God and faithful to God, then you will not end up divorcing your partner. I'm saying you will live happily ever after...of course there will be problems will cross on marriage life but not INFIDELITY if you and your partner know and love God. And that's part of life.

The OP's case is not INFIDELITY......he can work things out.....he can talk to his wife about their sex life and be open to each other. It's all up to him.

Are you trying to convert me into your relegion?? thanks but THANKS, I have my own relegion and I know about god. I have no plan changing into other relegion. We know people are not perfect;and no matter what type of relegion you have, it can't save you from SIN.

No offense, but you know what? one of the sign if the person is a truly good person...is to respect other people relegion. don't try to push your relegion beliefs to other people.

there are many people who are very relegious but they often cheated thier wives, and they also do gambling etc... not sure why? perhaps they think the more they talk about god the more god will forgive them that's why they are likely doing the bad things. I'm not trying to say you are one of these people.

Wooooh.....How many times you read my reply? You misunderstood it. Am I implying you to turn in my religion? I just posted a verse from the Bible where Jesus talks about divorce and share my own opinion about the OP's situation here. I respect all religion....even Islamic, who don't believe that Jesus is God. I respect their beliefs because that's what they believe. Sharing a verse from the Bible about "divorce" is not trying to convince, encourage or push you or people here to transfer in my religion. There's a freedom of choice, freedom of religion and freedom of speech and I respect that. And yes I agree with you when you say "no matter what type of religion you have, it can't save you from SIN." BUT you MISSED this point......Sinners (that's us) can be saved if we repent and if we realize that we are sinners and receive HIM as our Savior and Lord. Repentance is an old English word that describes a willingness to turn from our sin towards Jesus Christ.

You might be thinking again that I'm trying to convince you because I'm talking about Jesus. I am just replying to your message for me. I don't even know your religion. I'm a Catholic and I don't care what's your religion or maybe we have the same religion...I just share my opinion. And by the way it's not "RELEGION" it's "RELIGION". And it's God not god. If you have respect on your God make it a big letter.

[thongd4me 69]

You might be thinking again that I'm trying to convince you because I'm talking about Jesus. I am just replying to your message for me. I don't even know your religion. I'm a Catholic and I don't care what's your religion or maybe we have the same religion...I just share my opinion. And by the way it's not "RELEGION" it's "RELIGION". And it's God not god. If you have respect on your God make it a big letter.

I think religion may be at most a side issue to our hero and his bride. I didn't

mean to knock down religion, just to say that the couple has to communicate

in order to save their marriage. If they base their solution somehow on shared

religious values, that's great, but they have to get around the fear and suspicion first.

Naturally all world religions have good precepts for compassionate and loving behavior.

Two that come to mind from Christianity are unconditional love and forgiveness.

They would do well to use them. I go to church every Sunday but does that make

me a good person?

You have to work at it and so does our couple.

[Rocky_nBullwinkle 6]

I hope this isnt too forward a subject, but frankly I dont know where else to talk about this at.

Me and my wife got married in January 2008. The day of our marriage, she was going to go "home" which was 45 minutes away, so she could teach at her school the next day. The only reason she didnt do that is because it affected me so much, on our wedding day, that I cried.

We are together now. To this day I have not seen her naked. When we make love, the lights all have to be out. She wont let me touch her sexually unless we make love, and then only on her breasts. It really affects me....... We go round and round about this.

Is it cultural? Am I an idiot to be so affected? It is affecting our relationship.

Am very serious with this topic.

Thanks

WOW, thats not good. I do note that the Filipinos are far more conservative and they do not seem to have open conversations about sex as compared to here.But even so I would venture she is sexually repressed. It is more than cultural. Perhaps she had stern parents? Perhaps she is a victim of abuse or some type of bad experience that has left her unable to open herself to enjoying sex.

I am not sure how to deal with that. I know this sounds off a little but, uhm, get her drunk? Perhaps try a massage with her clothes on. She needs to "feel the tingle" and release them endorphins thingees. Good luck with your situation.

Or perhaps nobody told her about a lesson on the birds and the bees? Or she was probably raised in a convent or by her grandmother? These are all speculations on my part.

Edited July 30, 2009 by Rocky_nBullwinkle

[eros_EX_Plumber 0]

I hope this isnt too forward a subject, but frankly I dont know where else to talk about this at.

Me and my wife got married in January 2008. The day of our marriage, she was going to go "home" which was 45 minutes away, so she could teach at her school the next day. The only reason she didnt do that is because it affected me so much, on our wedding day, that I cried.

We are together now. To this day I have not seen her naked. When we make love, the lights all have to be out. She wont let me touch her sexually unless we make love, and then only on her breasts. It really affects me....... We go round and round about this.

Is it cultural? Am I an idiot to be so affected? It is affecting our relationship.

Am very serious with this topic.

Thanks

WOW, thats not good. I do note that the Filipinos are far more conservative and they do not seem to have open conversations about sex as compared to here.But even so I would venture she is sexually repressed. It is more than cultural. Perhaps she had stern parents? Perhaps she is a victim of abuse or some type of bad experience that has left her unable to open herself to enjoying sex.

I am not sure how to deal with that. I know this sounds off a little but, uhm, get her drunk? Perhaps try a massage with her clothes on. She needs to "feel the tingle" and release them endorphins thingees. Good luck with your situation.

Or perhaps nobody told her about a lesson on the birds and the bees? Or she was probably raised in a convent or by her grandmother? These are all speculations on my part.

convent ????

hummmm....naughty NUNs...

[thongd4me 69]

Or perhaps nobody told her about a lesson on the birds and the bees? Or she was probably raised in a convent or by her grandmother? These are all speculations on my part.

Right. It's all speculation by you, me and anyone else at this point. One more round of

"placing the blame" and we're sure to send this guy away with no further thoughts of

helping himself and his wife.

One more possibility, one more speculation, is something I often thought about with

reference to my totally frigid Japanese wife. Yes, the ONE exception to that rule was

when she was ovulating and demanded I serve up another kid. I seemed to have done

the job well because we have 2 kids who are both teenagers now.

That possibility, the one that may apply to our hero's wife, is that she may have a

hormonal imbalance that could only be properly diagnosed by a physician,

thus accounting for her moodiness and unhappy state. The only problem was

that my wife was angry all the time so she would not admit to the possibility of

hormones being the root of the trouble.

That's just another stone to be turned by the seeker.

We can speculate but only he can act.

[bulaklak 0]

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"

"Haven't you read," Jesus replied, "that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"

Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, EXCEPT FOR MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS, and marries another woman commits adultery."

The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."

Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.

[/color]

I know it is easy to say that Marriage is sacred but that is the truth.....it is sacred. And I know people divorce their partner for other reason too but BEFORE you DECIDE to get married, "use discernment". If your partner loves God and faithful to God, then you will not end up divorcing your partner. I'm saying you will live happily ever after...of course there will be problems will cross on marriage life but not INFIDELITY if you and your partner know and love God. And that's part of life.

The OP's case is not INFIDELITY......he can work things out.....he can talk to his wife about their sex life and be open to each other. It's all up to him.

Are you trying to convert me into your relegion?? thanks but THANKS, I have my own relegion and I know about god. I have no plan changing into other relegion. We know people are not perfect;and no matter what type of relegion you have, it can't save you from SIN.

No offense, but you know what? one of the sign if the person is a truly good person...is to respect other people relegion. don't try to push your relegion beliefs to other people.

there are many people who are very relegious but they often cheated thier wives, and they also do gambling etc... not sure why? perhaps they think the more they talk about god the more god will forgive them that's why they are likely doing the bad things. I'm not trying to say you are one of these people.

Wooooh.....How many times you read my reply? You misunderstood it. Am I implying you to turn in my religion? I just posted a verse from the Bible where Jesus talks about divorce and share my own opinion about the OP's situation here. I respect all religion....even Islamic, who don't believe that Jesus is God. I respect their beliefs because that's what they believe. Sharing a verse from the Bible about "divorce" is not trying to convince, encourage or push you or people here to transfer in my religion. There's a freedom of choice, freedom of religion and freedom of speech and I respect that. And yes I agree with you when you say "no matter what type of religion you have, it can't save you from SIN." BUT you MISSED this point......Sinners (that's us) can be saved if we repent and if we realize that we are sinners and receive HIM as our Savior and Lord. Repentance is an old English word that describes a willingness to turn from our sin towards Jesus Christ.

You might be thinking again that I'm trying to convince you because I'm talking about Jesus. I am just replying to your message for me. I don't even know your religion. I'm a Catholic and I don't care what's your religion or maybe we have the same religion...I just share my opinion. And by the way it's not "RELEGION" it's "RELIGION". And it's God not god. If you have respect on your God make it a big letter.

I don't give a damn about the spelling or the capital letters..we are not in the formal or something. I know how and when to write a capital letter if needed, as well as the spelling. . :

and oh please stop using the name of god for the purpose of your Fu****Sh@t. is not fit of your behavior....you have a DOUBLE FACE.

I do not care what is your point about your god btw.

[bulaklak 0]

p.s.

The topic is about sex not about god btw.

are you always talking about god even when you having sex with your hubby.

Edited July 31, 2009 by lotus101

[scandal 951]

p.s.

The topic is about sex not about god btw.

are you always talking about god even when you having sex with your hubby.

The phrase "Oh! oH! gAWD! GawD!!!!!" is pretty common during sex, actually.

[Mrs.Cage 0]

p.s.

The topic is about sex not about god btw.

are you always talking about god even when you having sex with your hubby.

The phrase " :lol:Oh! oH! gAWD! GawD!!!!!" is pretty common during sex, actually.

the thoughts, exactly.... wow scandal, you're here, i'm a fan

[=FoxyBLUE= 2]

p.s.

The topic is about sex not about god btw.

are you always talking about god even when you having sex with your hubby.

The phrase " :lol:Oh! oH! gAWD! GawD!!!!!" is pretty common during sex, actually.

the thoughts, exactly.... wow scandal, you're here, i'm a fan

Same here cuzin! I'm a "FAN" too!!!

[Mrs.Cage 0]

p.s.

The topic is about sex not about god btw.

are you always talking about god even when you having sex with your hubby.

The phrase " :lol:Oh! oH! gAWD! GawD!!!!!" is pretty common during sex, actually.

the thoughts, exactly.... wow scandal, you're here, i'm a fan

Same here cuzin! I'm a "FAN" too!!!

ok, cuzin dont tell hubby im crushing on scandal, ok? that's our little secret

p.s.

The topic is about sex not about god btw.

are you always talking about god even when you having sex with your hubby.

The phrase " :lol:Oh! oH! gAWD! GawD!!!!!" is pretty common during sex, actually.

the thoughts, exactly.... wow scandal, you're here, i'm a fan

Same here cuzin! I'm a "FAN" too!!!

ok, cuzin dont tell hubby im crushing on scandal, ok? that's our little secret

by the way, twas a typo, my text should read " my thoughts, exactly"

[Ban Hammer 13,342]

p.s.

The topic is about sex not about god btw.

are you always talking about god even when you having sex with your hubby.

The phrase "Oh! oH! gAWD! GawD!!!!!" is pretty common during sex, actually.

do people go to heaven feet first?