privacy between married couple

[brendon1101rebz 0]

ok, i'll try to make the story short.

my husband fell asleep while he's in the computer. out of my curiosity, i checked his emails and friendster/facebook since he's still logged in.

(i really don't know his passwords.)

i caught that there's a girl sending him nude pictures in his email and calling him "baby".

i felt so disappointed that i confronted him about it. he told me that he never denied that he's already married, and showed some emails from that girl saying"i find married guys more exciting. so i don't care, let's just enjoy baby." i don't know what to feel. (knowing that the girl is also from Philippines)

i told him to give me his passwords, but he won't allow me. saying that he wants to have privacy with his messages. i do trust my husband, but this issue is affecting our married life. i really can't trust the girls around him. am i having some insecurities issue?

i told him that i just want to go back in my home country if he'll just play around. but he won't allow me, instead he promised and assured me not to do anything that would harm our relationship.

i just want it to be fair since he knows all my passwords. but he really won't give me his codes.

am i being over protective or over acting about this?

IS THERE REALLY A THING CALLED PRIVACY BETWEEN MARRIED COUPLE? ARE THERE REALLY LIMITATIONS?

thanks for the advices.

[SuperDuper! 230]

ok, i'll try to make the story short.

my husband fell asleep while he's in the computer. out of my curiosity, i checked his emails and friendster/facebook since he's still logged in.

(i really don't know his passwords.)

i caught that there's a girl sending him nude pictures in his email and calling him "baby".

i felt so disappointed that i confronted him about it. he told me that he never denied that he's already married, and showed some emails from that girl saying"i find married guys more exciting. so i don't care, let's just enjoy baby." i don't know what to feel. (knowing that the girl is also from Philippines)

i told him to give me his passwords, but he won't allow me. saying that he wants to have privacy with his messages. i do trust my husband, but this issue is affecting our married life. i really can't trust the girls around him. am i having some insecurities issue?

i told him that i just want to go back in my home country if he'll just play around. but he won't allow me, instead he promised and assured me not to do anything that would harm our relationship.

i just want it to be fair since he knows all my passwords. but he really won't give me his codes.

am i being over protective or over acting about this?

IS THERE REALLY A THING CALLED PRIVACY BETWEEN MARRIED COUPLE? ARE THERE REALLY LIMITATIONS?

thanks for the advices.

You are asking for a lot, aren't you.....

[Philosykos 0]

I think it's o.k. and necessary to have privacy, and I would never ask my husband to give me his passwords, but I definitely also think it is NOT o.k. to correspond with another woman in that fashion. I am sorry you are in this situation.

[Mrs.Cage 0]

ok, i'll try to make the story short.

my husband fell asleep while he's in the computer. out of my curiosity, i checked his emails and friendster/facebook since he's still logged in.

(i really don't know his passwords.)

i caught that there's a girl sending him nude pictures in his email and calling him "baby".

i felt so disappointed that i confronted him about it. he told me that he never denied that he's already married, and showed some emails from that girl saying"i find married guys more exciting. so i don't care, let's just enjoy baby." i don't know what to feel. (knowing that the girl is also from Philippines)

i told him to give me his passwords, but he won't allow me. saying that he wants to have privacy with his messages. i do trust my husband, but this issue is affecting our married life. i really can't trust the girls around him. am i having some insecurities issue?

i told him that i just want to go back in my home country if he'll just play around. but he won't allow me, instead he promised and assured me not to do anything that would harm our relationship.

i just want it to be fair since he knows all my passwords. but he really won't give me his codes.

am i being over protective or over acting about this?

IS THERE REALLY A THING CALLED PRIVACY BETWEEN MARRIED COUPLE? ARE THERE REALLY LIMITATIONS?

thanks for the advices.

You are asking for a lot, aren't you.....

the OP is soliciting advices not your sarcasm....sheess

[Loolie 56]

ok, i'll try to make the story short.

my husband fell asleep while he's in the computer. out of my curiosity, i checked his emails and friendster/facebook since he's still logged in.

(i really don't know his passwords.)

i caught that there's a girl sending him nude pictures in his email and calling him "baby".

i felt so disappointed that i confronted him about it. he told me that he never denied that he's already married, and showed some emails from that girl saying"i find married guys more exciting. so i don't care, let's just enjoy baby." i don't know what to feel. (knowing that the girl is also from Philippines)

i told him to give me his passwords, but he won't allow me. saying that he wants to have privacy with his messages. i do trust my husband, but this issue is affecting our married life. i really can't trust the girls around him. am i having some insecurities issue?

i told him that i just want to go back in my home country if he'll just play around. but he won't allow me, instead he promised and assured me not to do anything that would harm our relationship.

i just want it to be fair since he knows all my passwords. but he really won't give me his codes.

am i being over protective or over acting about this?

IS THERE REALLY A THING CALLED PRIVACY BETWEEN MARRIED COUPLE? ARE THERE REALLY LIMITATIONS?

thanks for the advices.

hi,

thats something...i know my hubby's password in fact everytime i opened the laptop his yahoo always comes out so im the one who look at his emails most of the time because he doesnt really check his emails...actually when we were just getting to know each other maybe like a week after we met online i asked for his passwords...and he gave it to me...so i know he is not hiding anything...though my hubby doesnt check my emails because thats how he trust me so much.

in our relationship we really dont have privacy...

[BrianandMerne 3]

Hello Rebz... I am sorry this happened. As a woman, I know exactly how you feel. I am not married to Brian yet and I also have not married someone else in the past. But I have always believed that there should be no secrets between couples, especially those married already. I have grown up with parents who have no secrets between them and being an only child and daughter I always thought that this is the way to be. I really do not know what to say about this, but if you are asking what you feel is right or wrong, then what I will say is it is a feeling, an emotion and it is neither right nor wrong. This is an issue of trust. And yet, honesty in itself is truest when no one is looking. Hence, whether or not you share passwords, it really is not a big deal. As there isn't a thing to hide or is there?

Here's one thing I am sure of though... anything done in secret is most often illicitly "suspect".

[brendon1101rebz 0]

You are asking for a lot, aren't you.....

i hope you'll understand that i need advices. not that kind of post your giving.

don't add up to my frustrations.

You are asking for a lot, aren't you.....

the OP is soliciting advices not your sarcasm....sheess

thanks Mrs. Cage..

[Philosykos 0]

Hello Rebz... I am sorry this happened. As a woman, I know exactly how you feel. I am not married to Brian yet and I also have not married someone else in the past. But I have always believed that there should be no secrets between couples, especially those married already. I have grown up with parents who have no secrets between them and being an only child and daughter I always thought that this is the way to be. I really do not know what to say about this, but if you are asking what you feel is right or wrong, then what I will say is it is a feeling, an emotion and it is neither right nor wrong. This is an issue of trust. And yet, honesty in itself is truest when no one is looking. Hence, whether or not you share passwords, it really is not a big deal. As there isn't a thing to hide or is there?

Here's one thing I am sure of though... anything done in secret is most often illicitly "suspect".

I agree that what it ultimately comes down to is trust. There is a huge difference between having privacy and having secrets. There shouldn't be secrets between married partners, but there can still be a certain degree of privacy, which must be based on trust.

The OP's problem is that she just found out that she cannot fully trust her husband in certain matters. She has to come to terms with the fact that he needs some online flirting and visuals on the side. If she can't come to terms with that, she might be with the wrong man. Unless she wants to wait until he grows up...

[chinese_mutt 11]

husband knows my password, i don't know if he checks though.

i know all his passwords, and i rarely log in... except to surprise him by fixing his layouts and stuffs in myspace.

men will always be men, if he's not responding to the girl then why are you punishing him for something that a third party is doing?

what if it was you, somebody kept sending you messages (nudes, romantic... etc.) and you kept receiving it but was not responding and your husband found out and got mad at you. how would you feel?

trust is the key to every relationship. don't bother to ask for the passwords of your husband, you are only asking for trouble.

example:

> he gave it to you reluctantly and holds this against you, you find that he's not doing any hanky panky, your relationship suffers.

> he gave it to you reluctantly and holds this against you, you find something hanky panky going on, your relationship suffers.

> he gave it to you reluctantly and holds this against you, you find nothing because he learns how to create new accounts ... leads double life... resents you for not giving him privacy, your relationship suffers.

> and the list goes on and on all ending with your relationship suffering

You can't win this... if he does not want to give it to you now then don't push it. Give him some space, trust him a bit more... if he's ready to give the passwords to you then that's good. If not, respect is the key. And last piece of advice, don't go peeking on his account. That will save you tons of grief.

[chinese_mutt 11]

I think it's o.k. and necessary to have privacy, and I would never ask my husband to give me his passwords, but I definitely also think it is NOT o.k. to correspond with another woman in that fashion. I am sorry you are in this situation.

my thoughts exactly....

although i did ask for his facebook password so i can grow my mafia (mafia wars) since he does not log in.

[chinese_mutt 11]

ok, i'll try to make the story short.

my husband fell asleep while he's in the computer. out of my curiosity, i checked his emails and friendster/facebook since he's still logged in.

(i really don't know his passwords.)

i caught that there's a girl sending him nude pictures in his email and calling him "baby".

i felt so disappointed that i confronted him about it. he told me that he never denied that he's already married, and showed some emails from that girl saying"i find married guys more exciting. so i don't care, let's just enjoy baby." i don't know what to feel. (knowing that the girl is also from Philippines)

i told him to give me his passwords, but he won't allow me. saying that he wants to have privacy with his messages. i do trust my husband, but this issue is affecting our married life. i really can't trust the girls around him. am i having some insecurities issue?

i told him that i just want to go back in my home country if he'll just play around. but he won't allow me, instead he promised and assured me not to do anything that would harm our relationship.

i just want it to be fair since he knows all my passwords. but he really won't give me his codes.

am i being over protective or over acting about this?

IS THERE REALLY A THING CALLED PRIVACY BETWEEN MARRIED COUPLE? ARE THERE REALLY LIMITATIONS?

thanks for the advices.

hi,

thats something...i know my hubby's password in fact everytime i opened the laptop his yahoo always comes out so im the one who look at his emails most of the time because he doesnt really check his emails...actually when we were just getting to know each other maybe like a week after we met online i asked for his passwords...and he gave it to me...so i know he is not hiding anything...though my hubby doesnt check my emails because thats how he trust me so much.

in our relationship we really dont have privacy...

some men will be okay with this, some won't.

beware, i have a feeling the OP's husband is the latter.

To the OP, it might cause more harm to your marriage than good to forcibly require him to hand over passwords to you. (and that goes both ways, whether he's cheating or not)

[ellmvl 1]

FOR ME, I do not see why emails and cellphones should be taken as private thing between married couples...unless his email add has something to do with national defense which i understand that there are things that should be kept secret between him and his job. You have the right to feel that way girl and if you think you feel insecure it is because of what you caught your husband was doing. I cannot blame you for asking his password. If I caught my husband corresponding to other girls and receiving nude photos...man...i will take lots of nude photos of myself everyday and spam his inbox until he will puke muahaha...im jk! Hope you'll fix this issue with your husband.

[luckymom 0]

I will just share what my opinions are in this matter. I wish there will be no violent reactions. For me, privacy is when he wants to be by himself once in a while. Secrets is when there are some issues hidden whether in his cell phones, computers, drawers etc. My husband's computer is open 24/7 and mine also. We are on a network, all the rooms had their own computers. I know the password of my husband and vice versa. So, no secrets. But, if I see something in his inbox or anything that will lead to suspicion on my part, I will automatically point it out to him.

Having some nudity or whatever things dealing with porn, (I am not familiar with these things seriously maybe I'm old school) whether those are sent to him is a big deal to me especially if I discover it myself. I am sorry if I sound primitive, but I can't tolerate it. Everything that will hurt me or give me inconvenience should be talked about by the couple.

For me, there shouldn't be SECRETS in a relationship.

[Mike's Lucy 14]

After reading your post, i let my husband read it too. Actually, someone posted almost the same situation as yours before. My husband know my passwords, I know his email password but never once I opened it. I do trust him but also I've told him before that if ever I caught him cheating or even just flirting, I will ask no explaination, i will just leave him right away. Yeah this sounds cruel but trust is very important to me and I'm just confident that he will never cheat.

Now about your question, I believe there should be privacy. He should have privacy if you trust him. About you asking for his passwords, i think its useless because he can always make another account if he likes. My advice, talk to him about this, you need to have a clear discussion about this matter before it's too late.

ok, i'll try to make the story short.

my husband fell asleep while he's in the computer. out of my curiosity, i checked his emails and friendster/facebook since he's still logged in.

(i really don't know his passwords.)

i caught that there's a girl sending him nude pictures in his email and calling him "baby".

i felt so disappointed that i confronted him about it. he told me that he never denied that he's already married, and showed some emails from that girl saying"i find married guys more exciting. so i don't care, let's just enjoy baby." i don't know what to feel. (knowing that the girl is also from Philippines)

i told him to give me his passwords, but he won't allow me. saying that he wants to have privacy with his messages. i do trust my husband, but this issue is affecting our married life. i really can't trust the girls around him. am i having some insecurities issue?

i told him that i just want to go back in my home country if he'll just play around. but he won't allow me, instead he promised and assured me not to do anything that would harm our relationship.

i just want it to be fair since he knows all my passwords. but he really won't give me his codes.

am i being over protective or over acting about this?

IS THERE REALLY A THING CALLED PRIVACY BETWEEN MARRIED COUPLE? ARE THERE REALLY LIMITATIONS?

thanks for the advices.

Edited July 18, 2009 by MikeeLucyForever

[BrianandMerne 3]

Your thoughts are neither old school nor even primitive luckymom. It is knowing what each couple deserves in a marital relationship and that is to be devoted and faithful in all ways. To give respect when respect is due and to account for something which needs checking. While anthropology would suggest that the world and its populace have evolved in geography, culture and lifestyle, yet there are many things that remain as "non-negotiable" in human relationships. On top of this non-negotiables I believe is absolute honor to the commitment made between the man and his wife. I respect your values luckymom and for those who say that you are too idealistic, let me say this... for what are ideals. Aren't they the benchmarks for us to become better persons each day?

To Rebz: I am sure only of one thing. I believe you are a woman who knows what she brings onto the table, hence you should not be afraid to put your foot down. I believe you know what you deserve. And you are the wife for heaven's sake! There are behaviors that deserve respect as there are behaviors that deserve admonition. You will be the one to know what these are in your context.

Some wives, they consider their husbands' flirtation with other women as adding spice to their relationship. To me that is absolute cruelty on self respect and desecration on the vows you and your spouse took before the laws of man and of God. Be strong. Be you.