Does anyone else feel this way?

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

This coming up week will be our 3rd yr anniversary and something Im still learning to work on which is hard for me, but needs to be done more is not argue. Even if hes wrong and Im right about something. Arguing makes both of us upset and at the moment wont prove anything positive. That is something I really want to work on for myself and I think its important in a marriage that sometimes the wife keeps her mouth from running.

to Honey&sweetie, just trust in your marriage and look for the little things daily that shows you how much he loves you. I came from a very abusive past both physically and sexually from my biological father & grandfather. I *almost hated men and certainly didnt trust them. Thank God I had a wonderful adoptive father that showed me true love by adopting 7 children from 3 different families, staying by my adoptive mothers side thru all of the household insanity, providing so much for us in life until his last dying breathe which I also had to see. I pretty much stayed away from close male relationships as a young adult bcz of lack of trust or feelings I would get hurt someway as terrible as my past. When Adam & I got together I still had all those insecurities and gave him a heck of a hard time with trust or feelings. I had to have a good one on one talk with GOD about it, then explain to Adam that Im working on me. I had to realize I didnt want to hold him accountable for the past abuse or sexual abuse that other guys had done to me, bcz its not fair to him. Once I started working on that part of me, it made it easier to learn how to trust him and see the good in Adam daily. I wish my adopted father was alive to see that I married a wonderful man that loves me the right way & cares for me alot.

[bhajishah 4]

Its a fun challenge, frustrating at times, most of all beautiful. Dont take the adjustment period personally or as red flag. Patience and support him as much you can. Dont baby him though, they will feed right in to that. set some ground rules for acceptable practice and behavior. Coz hey they dont know, they are new to marriage and america..

[Aymsgirl 0]

I'm sure that a lot of us have thought about it. I used to let it consume me to a point of playing the FBI on my part after reading some of the stories on VJ. This did nothing but hurt my relationship. But you know my husband gave up a heck of a lot to come here and actually killed a lot of his ego doing it. I just had to go with my instincts and believe me he was tested. I've been in hurt in the past by a marriage of many years so my trust hasn't been gained easily. I just have to take a deep breath, thank God for my blessings and realize that just maybe God gave me a good person to be the father of my son.

I'm not a long time married person with my husband. But I was married really young and for 12 years before and I have to say to try and keep the communication gates open. We suffer with this in our marriage. He holds stuff in and I want to let it out. If language is a barrier than when you think he may not understand have him repeat what you are saying differently. I have found that many of times our intention was different but the other misunderstood. Learn everything you can about his culture. If he has a religion different than yours, learn about it. This doesn't mean convert...just educate yourself. At times I have found that a lot of my husband's thought process even stems from his religion. Patience....this is something you can't have enough of. Also, put yourself in his shoes. If he is coming here from another country try and feel as if how you would feel in his situation. Different culture, different expectations in his behavior, different money, different language, different everything!

I wish you the best in your marriage. Just try and not dwell on the bad. Store their stories in a file somewhere in your head but don't let it take over your marriage or relationship. You know if he is a good guy you wouldn't want to let him think that you have no trust in him or he is going to wonder why he gave up his life here for you after a length of time of you questioning it.

Best wishes always!

[Martiniolive 0]

Absolutely! Agree with you 'honeyandsweetie' it is soooooo hard! When I met my husband (online) I was clueless to the whole "usinf someone for a visa" thing. It wasn't until I was trying to (google) learn about his culture and country that I became aware of all the scandals and horror stories. I put him thru such an aweful time because I became so paranoid from ladies telling me "he wants out of his country" or "he'll dump you for a younger woman after he gets here" Or "he's a terrorist" The only thing that kept me going was: My love and his family are so wonderful. Also I thought if I gave up and stopped everything, I might lose a great man and regret it forever. I imagine many people have listened to all the bad stories and given up on possibly the greatest love in their lives. And I am sorry for people that have really been used. My husbanmd has been here now for 7 mos and I know now that he is too kind of a person to use me. He is everybit as sweet and honest as I suspected he was from the beginning. He is actually a better person in many ways than I am. We had red flags! Met online, I am 20 years older, I can't have children, I am not muslim, I married him just 5 mos after I met him and on my first visit to his country too. Let that be an example LOL. Martiniolive

I was wondering if anyone else feels like this...On VJ there are alot of dishearting stories of men/women being used for a green card. How does one stay positive about their own relationships when there are so many stories of people being used. Even if your spouse has good intentions and may indeed truely love and care about you...how do you resist the urge to question their intentions. I just wanted to know if any of you guys feel the same especially being married to a MENA man.

[bhajishah 4]

OP if that picture is of you on Avatar, I might add that you are a very beautiful woman. !!!

[Aymsgirl 0]

OP if that picture is of you on Avatar, I might add that you are a very beautiful woman. !!!

I have to say I agree!

[Staashi 371]

Honey, just think this way...feel confident in your relationship, if you're confident you're in good shape. It's when people have a crapload of red flags in their relationship; have an intuitive sense that something might be wrong in their relationship but say "screw it - there's nothing wrong", and just choose to turn the blind eye - they're being a 1st class chopfvckette. If you can go to sleep at night with confidence about your man and the relationship you two have that is the most important thing.

Edited July 19, 2009 by Staashi

[Angel Eyes Yuseef 5]

I use to go to the Dainel Pipes Blog and that is a dis-hearten blog. I just stop reading them. The sad thing is there is many scamming stories and there will contine to be these stories. Most of these stories have red flags, and they did not know or was scared to confront these issues when they should of. Most of these sad stores come from divorced women, and we must remember even though some of us are divorced we carry negatives from a last relationship to a new one like lack of communication and confortation. Some are use to abuse as in verbal and physical and accept it as normal. And some just jump into a realtionship so fast that they do not come out of the honey moon phase of it before marriage or visa's and then they are hit with the reality. Time is always a good thing even though it is hard. But then the easy stuff gets you in trouble,

[L179 1]

Thanks you everyone for you positive feedback, So far in the years that I have known my husband there has been no red flags although Iam black, overweight and we are from different cultures. Yes, I have asked him about moving here...He thinks its a good idea but its up to me. Actually my husband will be moving to saudi next month and wants me to join him after he establishes residency.

I wanted to ask for those of you who have been married for awhile...Are there any secrets to a lasting marriage? Especially when your from different cultures?

im not married yet but my mom has told each of us girls before marraige that if each person trys to give 110 percent to the relationship daily it will be a happy and long lasting marraige. why the 110 percent? because there are just days that one of u can not give but maybe sixty percent.

seems to have worked out for my sisters and brothers so i will try to follow that advise myself when i marry

sara

hey sara...

what is the latest with you case?

any developments?

[sara..... 371]

Thanks you everyone for you positive feedback, So far in the years that I have known my husband there has been no red flags although Iam black, overweight and we are from different cultures. Yes, I have asked him about moving here...He thinks its a good idea but its up to me. Actually my husband will be moving to saudi next month and wants me to join him after he establishes residency.

I wanted to ask for those of you who have been married for awhile...Are there any secrets to a lasting marriage? Especially when your from different cultures?

im not married yet but my mom has told each of us girls before marraige that if each person trys to give 110 percent to the relationship daily it will be a happy and long lasting marraige. why the 110 percent? because there are just days that one of u can not give but maybe sixty percent.

seems to have worked out for my sisters and brothers so i will try to follow that advise myself when i marry

sara

hey sara...

what is the latest with you case?

any developments?

we called csc last week and they transfered me to another supervisor. he told us that at this point in time it is under review and they are guessing at least thirty days more before its adjudicated, wish i could believe that but lets see.

sara

[L179 1]

well try and be a little positive...throw some positive energy out there for good to happen.

i know its difficult...

but i pray for the best for you.

[kenneme 2]

I strongly agree with the various bit of excellent advice above, especially regarding the vital importance of patience, communication and humour. At the begining language and other communication barriers seem less important because you take the time to make sure you understand and are understood, and it can even be kind of a nice challenge or whatever, but once life really picks up and the novelty wears off you can loose that and start missing things or misinterpreting things, and that leads to frustration and conflict - so it is really important to stay "on the same page" as someone said. And you have to take the time to make that happen.

Another key to success for intercultural couples is to believe in your relationship and be positive about it and, like everyone has said, be smart but don't get bogged down by horror stories. I remember at the outset of our relationship, his friends were warning him that I must work for the CIA and my friends were warning me that he must be Al-Qaeda!! That was five years ago nad now we can laugh about those things because we know each other and trust one another... (plus it will make a good story for the kids some day!! )

The last advice I would give to you is: don't loose yourself. Don't forget who you are or where you come from. You are part of a cultural group that has value - not in an ethnocentric way or anything, but just in a human way, that's how we all work! It is easy in an intercultural relationship to loose that base - I think espeically for the partner living abroad or if you are both in a third country. Sometimes we don't realize what we are compromising or "forgetting" until we see we have become a different person! Sometimes that's good but not always. So even while you are being flexible and learning to compromise to make things work, it is also important for both of you to know what parts of yourself you will NOT compromise on and stick to those values of yourself that. Those are the things that made him love you in the first palce so don't let them get left by the way side.

I believe diversity is a challenge but if you are both strong and sure of yourselves and who you are as individuals, the different cultural and life backgrounds should contribute to the relationship's richness.

Edited July 23, 2009 by kenneme

[Sandrila 1]

I agree with Mrs Amera and Lisa, in the case of foreign marriages its very easy to see it as a scam if the marriage fails, but in actuality there are a lot of stresses in these marriages that can send it down the tubes. Many of us MENA couples have spent very little actual face time together before we are married and just not knowing each other well can be a big issue, when you pile on immigration bureaucracy and frustrations, culture shock, oftentimes some financial stress, and oftentimes stepparenting, its really no surprise there is a fairly high failure rate.

I also would point out that people marry all over the world every day for reasons far beyond love, including personal gain. I am sure there are many American couples in which one or another of them are in it for the money, or the status or security, or whatever but love may be further down the list if at all.

Having said that, I beleive its silly to think the whole' green card' wouldnt or shouldnt cross every one of our mind's during this process. Green card fraud DOES exist, and I've seen personally several cases where prior warning signs were NOT there. I've also seen a few situations where deep in my heart I personally beleived the American spouse was being used and yet years later the couple is still together. But each of us would be fooling ourselves if we didnt at some point try to take an objective look and weigh the possibilities. Its always a risk. Yes, the green card issue is specific to foreign marriages but heartbreak and using and failed relationships happen anytime, anywhere.

My husband had been in the US almost 5 years and we'll have our anniversary in November. It hasnt been easy and downright rocky several times, but we still spend every minute we can together, crack each other up, consider each other our best friends, and have a beautiful daughter together - so you can consider us a success to this point. Marriage is always a work in progress

I think this was a very thorough summary.

Of course is has crossed my mind. At first, before the journey, you are just in love and that's it but I think it is so important to be aware. It is hard to the know the person you are going to spend your life with when you haven't actually lived together and lived together in the real world here.

I think in these situations marriages end in scams but they also end due to normal maritial issues and incompatiability.

Even if you married an American.

You just don't know.

It's the chance we take.

[Sandrila 1]

We are going on 4 years of marriage. There are success stories (we definetely have our struggles!) but like someone else said, a lot of people who end up being used had warning signs of the relationship and chose to ignore them. Also I think there is something to be said for just a rough adjustment. Some people get here and just REALLY hate it, and/or can't handle the stress of the change of country/spouses expectations/work expectations/family at homes expectations/step children (possibly), etc. They may have thought it would work out but in the end it's not going to. I think that some guys stay in those relationships to at least get the GC out of it. They didn't go into it with those intentions but couldn't handle the stress of the situation.

There definetely are users who go into it with bad intentions but I would like to think that the bulk fall somewhere in between.

Just remember ot keep your head open and use it to think and not your heart - becauce a heart can be decieving, and can hear whatever you want it to hear, but when you really use your head you might get a different conclusion.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I agree with Mrs Amera and Lisa, in the case of foreign marriages its very easy to see it as a scam if the marriage fails, but in actuality there are a lot of stresses in these marriages that can send it down the tubes. Many of us MENA couples have spent very little actual face time together before we are married and just not knowing each other well can be a big issue, when you pile on immigration bureaucracy and frustrations, culture shock, oftentimes some financial stress, and oftentimes stepparenting, its really no surprise there is a fairly high failure rate.

I also would point out that people marry all over the world every day for reasons far beyond love, including personal gain. I am sure there are many American couples in which one or another of them are in it for the money, or the status or security, or whatever but love may be further down the list if at all.

Having said that, I beleive its silly to think the whole' green card' wouldnt or shouldnt cross every one of our mind's during this process. Green card fraud DOES exist, and I've seen personally several cases where prior warning signs were NOT there. I've also seen a few situations where deep in my heart I personally beleived the American spouse was being used and yet years later the couple is still together. But each of us would be fooling ourselves if we didnt at some point try to take an objective look and weigh the possibilities. Its always a risk. Yes, the green card issue is specific to foreign marriages but heartbreak and using and failed relationships happen anytime, anywhere.

My husband had been in the US almost 5 years and we'll have our anniversary in November. It hasnt been easy and downright rocky several times, but we still spend every minute we can together, crack each other up, consider each other our best friends, and have a beautiful daughter together - so you can consider us a success to this point. Marriage is always a work in progress

I think this was a very thorough summary.

Of course is has crossed my mind. At first, before the journey, you are just in love and that's it but I think it is so important to be aware. It is hard to the know the person you are going to spend your life with when you haven't actually lived together and lived together in the real world here.

I think in these situations marriages end in scams but they also end due to normal maritial issues and incompatiability.

Even if you married an American.

You just don't know.

It's the chance we take.

I think there are all different types of scenarios, for example someone could be very in love with his wife but as years go by, start wanting kids, or wanting kids with someone from back home.

One of the worst cases of fraud I have ever seen was a 32 year old Moroccan guy and his 28 year old American wife. She wanted kids, was pretty and sweet as could be and he actually pretended he was gay and she told me.. hey I think hes gay. He literally played GAY to get her to divorce him...watching gay porn etc..I have seen others go completely SALAFI to get the wife to leave as well. ( thats super religious) I was out in a parking lot outside of this now closed restaurant which was like a Moroccan shisha place and watched him walk out, get in a car with a moroccan girl and no I did not tell his wife because at that point, she already had said she was going to help him get his citizenship. It was weird as hell because no one would have picked up any flags from that one. Love is really weird and you cannot make assumptions but due to the high fraud warnings coming from the consulates, you cant just ignore that this is a trend of sitting in cyber cafes trying to hook a westerner and it is not just Americans . Its any country out. Personally , if there is some way to just try to be happy and tell yourself, no matter what, no matter what, I am going to take the best things out of this relationship and try to grow, no matter what happens, then you can be ok with whatever happens. Its when you put all your eggs in a basket and just cannot see beyond the relationship that your ship sinks, yes, and with you in it. I have seen women get used and become extremely good friends with their exes even after he marries from back home. I have not met very many long term mixed marriages period but the ones I have seen involved the woman being extremely loving and tolerant of the mans culture including being open to the food and culture and providing space for the man to breathe. I have also seen Americans marry Moroccans who were married to other Americans after they divorced the woman who sponsored him, he married from back home, was miserable, in one case I know was used by the girl and he ended up with an american after.. Its a SOAP OPERA.

I think the hardest thing for Americans entering into these relationships is understanding the extreme poverty from which some of their spouses come from and the way that our lifestyles are viewed. I think if the family of the spouse is very very very against the marriage, it gets real hard when their is a crisis or trauma because they really would rather see their child brother or family member with someone they can better relate to. The more westernised the family, the more open they might be to the differences in the American spouse. . Its how things work. If you cannot see the reality between the different cultures, you are doing yourself a disservice. I think the hard thing for any of us to deal with is YES, these relationships are loving,passionate and intense.. They may be the most emotionally close relationships any of us have ever had. But be aware that there are a whole lot of underlying factors, traditions and attitudes towards you guessed it, foreign spouses.. and sometimes its ok when they are awaiting the greencard but after the guy gets it and has not left her ( the gaoui) then that becomes a grieving process for the mom who may WANT her son to marry someone from their and not be all the way over here, not having kids, not with her, etc etc etc.

Every single situation is UNIQUE, but for goodness sakes, lets be realistic and POSITIVE as well and admit YES scamming is very prevalent, it doesnt happen to everyone and if it does happen you take the best you can from the years you spent together, and if it doesnt then you are lucky and have been blessed. It makes the people screwed feel less than when you say it doesnt happen. It does. But not to everyone and honestly you will miss so much if you count on the bad things...

I think the thing I am trying to say is

Yes , women get scammed for papers

No, there is no sure fire flags

Sometimes marriage scams can turn into love after they get used to each other

Sometimes true love goes south when faced with the stressors of life over here where it is not one big non stop vacation

You do your best , you make lemons from lemonade and you look for the blessings.

I think living over seas with your spouse Honey will tell you a great deal . As far as being black, in North Africa and Morocco I saw alot of mixed marriages and even Cheb Khaleds mom is dark black and they are Moroccan/Algerian.

Love is what is going to matter and its hard to make a litmus test for that

Cheers

Best of luck

PS Crisis and FINANCIAL PROBLEMS and ILLNESS AND SICKNESS will bring out both the best and worst in these marriages.. I think the economy itself right now may deter alot of divorces but it will also stop some of the marriages to begin with because alot of us dont have the jobs we used to have to be able to sponsor...

Edited July 23, 2009 by Hanging in there