Does anyone else feel this way?

[zahrasalem 114]

I also agree with trusting your instincts AND being 100% honest with yourself........which isn't easy sometimes.

I've learned throughout my life so far, that any bad judgements I've made about people, were because I ignored any red flags and wasn't honest with myself about them. I didn't want to admit the truth, that I made a mistake about them being a good person for me in my life.

I've learned that it's much easier in the long run to be honest with yourself from the start and not ignore red flags about someone, instead of waiting to admit it to yourself after several years have been wasted in the wrong relationship. Life is short, trust your instincts!

[aya*abouelnasr 0]

I agree with the advice to trust your instincts. If I had done that I would have pulled out of my marriage long before my husband got to the USA and proceeded to take advantage of me. Looking back now I can see that there were red flags galore, I just was blind to them.

Failed marriages happen any and everywhere, I guess it's one of the drawbacks of being human. When marrying someone from another country and the marriage fails, it's just easier sometimes to blame it on being a marriage for green card.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

When the families of both parties are not supportive and the friends chew your ears for months with doubts and questions and you read green card fraud stories on VJ that make your toes curl of course it's all disheartening and discouraging. In the first year of our marriage it was bumpy because of my insecurities and all that stuff I just mentioned wasn't helping me.

However, I found the support of this great network on VJ-MENA who were going through similar things which helped me to have a better understanding of the situation. Then I also remembered in the beginning it was his actions that showed a consistency and stability which is why you may also have allowed them in your heart in the first place, and down the line there will come a time when your confidence grows in the relationship and you just know that it wasn't for anything else other than love.

[a1angied 0]

I used to read the stories and worry but then I hadd to realize that I prayed before I entered this marriage and I believe that God knows what is best for me. That if I kept being worried if he was using me I was wasting the time we are together in negative. I know that negative breeds negative. So what I had to do for me was live, love and cherish the time we share, be the best wife I can be and only God knows the out come. If he is only using me and that is it well I can honestly say I enjoyed the time together. That does not mean that I have my head buried in the sand, I am a wise lady and I have not seen the flags.

I learn a lot of lessons in life and chalk my experiences to life lessons. I try not to fear as that is a waste of time. I live today for today as tomorrow is not promised and yesterday is gone. Instincts I believe has never lied to me, my head will that is tied to emotions so can not rely on that, God is the giving us the instincts in my belief and He will never lie to me.

[Ihavequestions 419]

What are the red flags?

She's older than him.

She's divorced.

She already has children.

She's too old to give him children.

She's black.

He's poor.

He's un/underemployed.

He's uneducated.

His family doesn't approve.

They come from different cultures.

They have different religions.

Whatever.

Come to Egypt and I will show you married couples, living here, where one of the spouses fit into one or more of those categories and their marriages aren't falling to pieces - be it western woman/Egyptian man or Egyptian woman/Egyptian man. I can also show you western women, living here, with their Egyptian husbands because for that particular couple that's what works - for whatever reason - and there are no plans to get him a visa to go anywhere. These are successful, long term, marriages, too.

Is there marriage fraud? Of course there is. However, just because there's something in the relationship that appears to be out of the ME/NA norm (and I'm no longer convinced there is a norm) doesn't mean he's after a green card and divorce is looming.

As others have mentioned, it's easy to blame the break up of a marriage on the immigrating partner's fresh-off-the-press green card, however there's surely always more to the story. It's a mistake to blame it on the obvious because that prevents any inquiry deeperthan the obvious.

OP, here's my advice: Live your life. Love your husband and let him love you. Respect and appreciate your marriage. Feel blessed that you have everything you need and most of what you want. Let God worry about the rest.

[sassysis 0]

I guess I missed all the post where people are getting scammed. But of course it has crossed my mine, but those thoughts have been put to rest.

[MouadsWife 161]

I would innocently mention that you think about living there with him and see what reaction you get. Missy

[sandinista! 1,816]

What are the red flags?

She's older than him.

She's divorced.

She already has children.

She's too old to give him children.

She's black.

He's poor.

He's un/underemployed.

He's uneducated.

His family doesn't approve.

They come from different cultures.

They have different religions.

Whatever.

Come to Egypt and I will show you married couples, living here, where one of the spouses fit into one or more of those categories and their marriages aren't falling to pieces - be it western woman/Egyptian man or Egyptian woman/Egyptian man. I can also show you western women, living here, with their Egyptian husbands because for that particular couple that's what works - for whatever reason - and there are no plans to get him a visa to go anywhere. These are successful, long term, marriages, too.

Is there marriage fraud? Of course there is. However, just because there's something in the relationship that appears to be out of the ME/NA norm (and I'm no longer convinced there is a norm) doesn't mean he's after a green card and divorce is looming.

As others have mentioned, it's easy to blame the break up of a marriage on the immigrating partner's fresh-off-the-press green card, however there's surely always more to the story. It's a mistake to blame it on the obvious because that prevents any inquiry deeperthan the obvious.

OP, here's my advice: Live your life. Love your husband and let him love you. Respect and appreciate your marriage. Feel blessed that you have everything you need and most of what you want. Let God worry about the rest.

so true!

I would innocently mention that you think about living there with him and see what reaction you get. Missy

wow, the true fraudsters have never heard that one before! that'll get 'em.

[100% Al Ahly Fan 53]

We are coming up on our 4th US anniversary this October inshaAllah, but I don't know if I would call us a sucess. We're 2 very stubborn people who annoy the heck out of each other, but happen to love each other very much, so we've somehow managed to put up with each others BS this long without killing each other

Do I know I'm not being used? Yes. How do I know? I just do, can't explain it. I don't think it's because I'm ignoring any red flags (we didn't really have any) or that I'm naive. Part of it is that I know my husband is a very honest man who fears Allah (swt), and he knows that if he cheated me, on the Day of Judgment I'd demand to be compensated. This isn't to say that religious men can't be scammers - I know of some who are. But in my case, I've known my husband for nearly 8 years and just know. Not that that will help alleviate your fears, sorry.

And, if it turns out he is a scammer, well then, qadr Allah, it's the will of God and be rest assured he'll pay for it when the time comes

Agreed 100% and couldn't have said it better myself sister Rahma!

[HoneyandSonny 0]

Thanks you everyone for you positive feedback, So far in the years that I have known my husband there has been no red flags although Iam black, overweight and we are from different cultures. Yes, I have asked him about moving here...He thinks its a good idea but its up to me. Actually my husband will be moving to saudi next month and wants me to join him after he establishes residency.

I wanted to ask for those of you who have been married for awhile...Are there any secrets to a lasting marriage? Especially when your from different cultures?

[chaishai 1]

I know that one should trust your instinct...I think about my aunt who was used by a very smooth green card seeker. She asked him repeatly if he was doing it for the gc and he said no. She told him that if he was, she didnt want to have kids involved but he insisted that they have children. Turns out that he divorced his wife in his country, married my aunt and after receiving his 10yr green card, divorces my aunt and then remarries his first wife. My aunt has told me MANY times that foreign men are after gc's and warned me that I was making a huge mistake by marrying a foreigner.

Anyway, I feel really bad about all the dishearting cases I read on Vj......perhaps its a good idea to balance the negative cases with positive ones. Are there any couples on VJ that have been married for 4 or more years? Especially MENA couples?

my husband and i have known each other for 12 years, been married civil for 10 years and religiously (which is all we count) for 9 years. we have two sons, one is 6 and the other is 2. i was totally paranoid at first but my husband eventually proved me wrong. so i can understand how you feel. i think if you are not mismatched, have common goals, etc you should just relax and go with it....

[chaishai 1]

Thanks you everyone for you positive feedback, So far in the years that I have known my husband there has been no red flags although Iam black, overweight and we are from different cultures. Yes, I have asked him about moving here...He thinks its a good idea but its up to me. Actually my husband will be moving to saudi next month and wants me to join him after he establishes residency.

I wanted to ask for those of you who have been married for awhile...Are there any secrets to a lasting marriage? Especially when your from different cultures?

from my view it is figuring out from the start what you will and will not accept and establishing ground rules, and you should accept as much of their culture into your life as you can without giving up yourself. then, when something cultural gets on my nerves, i recognize that it is the culture and take a few deep breaths and bite my tongue in some circumstances.

What are the red flags?

She's older than him.

She's divorced.

She already has children.

She's too old to give him children.

She's black.

He's poor.

He's un/underemployed.

He's uneducated.

His family doesn't approve.

They come from different cultures.

They have different religions.

Whatever.

Come to Egypt and I will show you married couples, living here, where one of the spouses fit into one or more of those categories and their marriages aren't falling to pieces - be it western woman/Egyptian man or Egyptian woman/Egyptian man. I can also show you western women, living here, with their Egyptian husbands because for that particular couple that's what works - for whatever reason - and there are no plans to get him a visa to go anywhere. These are successful, long term, marriages, too.

Is there marriage fraud? Of course there is. However, just because there's something in the relationship that appears to be out of the ME/NA norm (and I'm no longer convinced there is a norm) doesn't mean he's after a green card and divorce is looming.

As others have mentioned, it's easy to blame the break up of a marriage on the immigrating partner's fresh-off-the-press green card, however there's surely always more to the story. It's a mistake to blame it on the obvious because that prevents any inquiry deeperthan the obvious.

OP, here's my advice: Live your life. Love your husband and let him love you. Respect and appreciate your marriage. Feel blessed that you have everything you need and most of what you want. Let God worry about the rest.

so true!

I would innocently mention that you think about living there with him and see what reaction you get. Missy

wow, the true fraudsters have never heard that one before! that'll get 'em.

i think that is in the fraudster playbook they hand out at the netcafes

[sara..... 371]

Thanks you everyone for you positive feedback, So far in the years that I have known my husband there has been no red flags although Iam black, overweight and we are from different cultures. Yes, I have asked him about moving here...He thinks its a good idea but its up to me. Actually my husband will be moving to saudi next month and wants me to join him after he establishes residency.

I wanted to ask for those of you who have been married for awhile...Are there any secrets to a lasting marriage? Especially when your from different cultures?

im not married yet but my mom has told each of us girls before marraige that if each person trys to give 110 percent to the relationship daily it will be a happy and long lasting marraige. why the 110 percent? because there are just days that one of u can not give but maybe sixty percent.

seems to have worked out for my sisters and brothers so i will try to follow that advise myself when i marry

sara

[Ihavequestions 419]

Thanks you everyone for you positive feedback, So far in the years that I have known my husband there has been no red flags although Iam black, overweight and we are from different cultures.

Those are people's perceptions. They certainly don't have to be your reality.

Black? Look around you at the color of the people who live in this region. Sure, there are some lighter skinned people, but there is also a whole lot of very dark skinned people, too. If there wasn't so much dark skin, Fair & Lovely would leave.

Overweight? Again, look around you. Is there some skinny? Sure, but there's also a whole lotta thick. And I mean thick ... thick thighs, thick rear ends ... a lot of thick. Women who have bodies like women aren't out of the running in the marriage market - not by any means.

Different cultures? Sure! But, as you'll see, quite often that's the best part. Why? Because you didn't marry him for what he could or would give you. His wealth isn't what's important. He is what's important. Once again, look around you at the women who aren't married and aren't married because no man has come around with a phat enough wallet. Instead of lowering their standards and accepting the man, they prefer to dig their heels in and live with (and off of) their parents. Not only that, the "local" women will tell you their men are different with foreign women. Just read the stories here on VJ about men helping their wives cook, clean, and look after the children. Would he do that if he married a "local" girl? Hahahahahahahaha. Maybe, but I sincerly doubt it and if he did he wouldn't want anyone to know. Every western woman that I know here, in Egypt, who works hands her salary to her husband. Not that he asks for it or demands it, but because she wants to. Would a "local" girl do that? Hahahahahahahahaha. Maybe, but again, I sincerely doubt it. The married "local" women I know who work either save their money or buy gold with it. They wouldn't consider handing it over and helping her husband make the finances work or relieve his stress. Seriously, the culture differences do not have to be the end of it. Instead, there's beauty in building a life together, and in time you'll see that.

Yes, I have asked him about moving here...He thinks its a good idea but its up to me. Actually my husband will be moving to saudi next month and wants me to join him after he establishes residency.

He's happy to take you where ever he goes and you're worrying? Why?

I wanted to ask for those of you who have been married for awhile...Are there any secrets to a lasting marriage? Especially when your from different cultures?

Does a year count?

Probably not and, trust me, we've had some horrible problems over the past year. Horrible. The biggest problems come from his friends and their great ideas (he's seen how well that's worked and he's actually stopped listening to them ... a little) as well as their insane jealousy (because he got married and it didn't cost him an arm and a leg and because it looks like he might go to America and they know they never will). All of that aside, not letting a language barrier get in the way has helped a great deal. My husband's English is really good now; when we first married it was only okay. Not understanding each other caused huge problems. The other thing that's helped is learning to compromise. He has also learned to admit when he's wrong, which is HUGE, and he's learned to apologize, which is even more HUGE. Finally, I've learned to choose my battles. If he insists a certain pot is only for boiling milk in, then that's what it's for because there's lots of other pots in the cupboard (yeah, we had that fight and I learned a big lesson).

[sara535 15]

I wanted to ask for those of you who have been married for awhile...Are there any secrets to a lasting marriage? Especially when your from different cultures?

Keep your sense of humor - both of you! we've been able to deflect a lot by recognizing the humor in whatever situations. And my biggest tip of all is to always clarify end explain and communicate before you react. I cannot count how many huge fights we had in the early years because of something as simple as his definition of an english word was not at all the way I used it. Once we learned to slow down and make sure we are all on the same page it got a lot better.