Does anyone else feel this way?

[HoneyandSonny 0]

I was wondering if anyone else feels like this...On VJ there are alot of dishearting stories of men/women being used for a green card. How does one stay positive about their own relationships when there are so many stories of people being used. Even if your spouse has good intentions and may indeed truely love and care about you...how do you resist the urge to question their intentions. I just wanted to know if any of you guys feel the same especially being married to a MENA man.

[Kenza 1]

never felt that way... the stories that I hear usually have red flags which isnt the case in my relationship

[doodlebugg 10]

You seriously just have to trust your gut. Your instincts are there for a reason, you know? That's what I held on to during the hellish time we had before he got here. Should you listen to the horror stories? I think so but then I would suggest tucking them away and trusting your gut and asking God for help in seeing what is real and what is not. Just my two cents.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I agree with what Kenza and bridget both said. Most greencarder stories do have waving red flags, but I guess some do not.

Also, its ok to have those questions in your mind...but if your gut and instincts tell you that you are in a "true" relationship..dont let them hinder it. If someone is under constant scrutiny and accusations that they are a user, they are surely not to stay happy very long.

[nurse1967 287]

It is hard to not somehow take all these stories personally even if the situation with your S/O is NOTHING like what is being said. I think some of that comes from the fact that from the very beginning of most of our relationships people have warned us of being used. That said, as the others have stated you just have to trust your gut and pray lots and lots that God will take care of you.

[morocco4ever 63]

The problem is that many of those with the red flags choose not to see them. A person has to stop asking (like they will admit they are using you) and start watching. Often times the signs are there.

Usually however by the time someone comes here their minds are already made up. Warnings are usually not going to help at this point. We are all responsible for our own happiness. If the signs are there and you get used you have to take that upon yourself for choosing to close your eyes. For those that have extremely smooth users that don't show signs I do feel sorry for their wives/husbands. Ultimately if we choose this route we take that chance. I took a big one and it worked for me even though I was warned. But being used could be for many things, and could even be from an American. It isn't always the mighty green card that some people are after. Giving our love and hearts is always full of risks.

[amberdima 6]

many people, no wait- just about every person who heard my story before my husband arrived often said, rudely and viciously, that he was using me for a greencard. everyone who has met him has changed their tune save a few a$$holes who i chose to unfriend. be smart and aware, as with any relationship. trust yourself. and as previously stated- constant questioning of motives to your SO is going to wear them thin.

in the end, if i was used- sh!t happens. i trusted my instincts. i'm truly in love and assessed his love for me early on.

Edited July 17, 2009 by amberdima

[HoneyandSonny 0]

I know that one should trust your instinct...I think about my aunt who was used by a very smooth green card seeker. She asked him repeatly if he was doing it for the gc and he said no. She told him that if he was, she didnt want to have kids involved but he insisted that they have children. Turns out that he divorced his wife in his country, married my aunt and after receiving his 10yr green card, divorces my aunt and then remarries his first wife. My aunt has told me MANY times that foreign men are after gc's and warned me that I was making a huge mistake by marrying a foreigner.

Anyway, I feel really bad about all the dishearting cases I read on Vj......perhaps its a good idea to balance the negative cases with positive ones. Are there any couples on VJ that have been married for 4 or more years? Especially MENA couples?

Edited July 17, 2009 by Honeyandsweetie

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I know that one should trust your instinct...I think about my aunt who was used by a very smooth green card seeker. She asked him repeatly if he was doing it for the gc and he said no. She told him that if he was, she didnt want to have kids involved but he insisted that they have children. Turns out that he divorced his wife in his country, married my aunt and after receiving his 10yr green card, divorces my aunt and then remarries his first wife. My aunt has told me MANY times that foreign men are after gc's and warned me that I was making a huge mistake by marrying a foreigner.

Anyway, I feel really bad about all the dishearting cases I read on Vj......perhaps its a good idea to balance the negative cases with positive ones. Are there any couples on VJ that have been married for 4 or more years? Especially MENA couples?

yep. good idea. There are many sucess stories on VJ.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

We are coming up on our 4th US anniversary this October inshaAllah, but I don't know if I would call us a sucess. We're 2 very stubborn people who annoy the heck out of each other, but happen to love each other very much, so we've somehow managed to put up with each others BS this long without killing each other

Do I know I'm not being used? Yes. How do I know? I just do, can't explain it. I don't think it's because I'm ignoring any red flags (we didn't really have any) or that I'm naive. Part of it is that I know my husband is a very honest man who fears Allah (swt), and he knows that if he cheated me, on the Day of Judgment I'd demand to be compensated. This isn't to say that religious men can't be scammers - I know of some who are. But in my case, I've known my husband for nearly 8 years and just know. Not that that will help alleviate your fears, sorry.

And, if it turns out he is a scammer, well then, qadr Allah, it's the will of God and be rest assured he'll pay for it when the time comes

[MrsAmera 41]

We are going on 4 years of marriage. There are success stories (we definetely have our struggles!) but like someone else said, a lot of people who end up being used had warning signs of the relationship and chose to ignore them. Also I think there is something to be said for just a rough adjustment. Some people get here and just REALLY hate it, and/or can't handle the stress of the change of country/spouses expectations/work expectations/family at homes expectations/step children (possibly), etc. They may have thought it would work out but in the end it's not going to. I think that some guys stay in those relationships to at least get the GC out of it. They didn't go into it with those intentions but couldn't handle the stress of the situation.

There definetely are users who go into it with bad intentions but I would like to think that the bulk fall somewhere in between.

Just remember ot keep your head open and use it to think and not your heart - becauce a heart can be decieving, and can hear whatever you want it to hear, but when you really use your head you might get a different conclusion.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

We are going on 4 years of marriage. There are success stories (we definetely have our struggles!) but like someone else said, a lot of people who end up being used had warning signs of the relationship and chose to ignore them. Also I think there is something to be said for just a rough adjustment. Some people get here and just REALLY hate it, and/or can't handle the stress of the change of country/spouses expectations/work expectations/family at homes expectations/step children (possibly), etc. They may have thought it would work out but in the end it's not going to. I think that some guys stay in those relationships to at least get the GC out of it. They didn't go into it with those intentions but couldn't handle the stress of the situation.

There definetely are users who go into it with bad intentions but I would like to think that the bulk fall somewhere in between.

Just remember ot keep your head open and use it to think and not your heart - becauce a heart can be decieving, and can hear whatever you want it to hear, but when you really use your head you might get a different conclusion.

I think you touched on a very valid point that we sometimes forget. Just because a marriage didnt work out, does not constitute it as a "scam" nor should the foriegn spouse be painted as some villian.

[~Jess~ 0]

It does worry some ppl. George cant immigrate to America because of Immigration issues--he was stupid yep we've already covered that. So he just puts up with me to put up with me because he knows he wont get any GC benifits from anyone.

Trust your gut. Asking the guy directly 'are you using me for a greencard' isnt exactly going to get you an honest answer in most cases anyway.

[Donna A 4]

my husband and i are going on 6 years next month. in the begining things were hard cuz he was so homesick but he got over it.

[sara535 15]

I agree with Mrs Amera and Lisa, in the case of foreign marriages its very easy to see it as a scam if the marriage fails, but in actuality there are a lot of stresses in these marriages that can send it down the tubes. Many of us MENA couples have spent very little actual face time together before we are married and just not knowing each other well can be a big issue, when you pile on immigration bureaucracy and frustrations, culture shock, oftentimes some financial stress, and oftentimes stepparenting, its really no surprise there is a fairly high failure rate.

I also would point out that people marry all over the world every day for reasons far beyond love, including personal gain. I am sure there are many American couples in which one or another of them are in it for the money, or the status or security, or whatever but love may be further down the list if at all.

Having said that, I beleive its silly to think the whole' green card' wouldnt or shouldnt cross every one of our mind's during this process. Green card fraud DOES exist, and I've seen personally several cases where prior warning signs were NOT there. I've also seen a few situations where deep in my heart I personally beleived the American spouse was being used and yet years later the couple is still together. But each of us would be fooling ourselves if we didnt at some point try to take an objective look and weigh the possibilities. Its always a risk. Yes, the green card issue is specific to foreign marriages but heartbreak and using and failed relationships happen anytime, anywhere.

My husband had been in the US almost 5 years and we'll have our anniversary in November. It hasnt been easy and downright rocky several times, but we still spend every minute we can together, crack each other up, consider each other our best friends, and have a beautiful daughter together - so you can consider us a success to this point. Marriage is always a work in progress