Went home for visit...and

[amal 4]

I wasn't upset at anyone...I very seldom get upset with anything said here. I honestly hope that the life you are dreaming to have ...actually becomes reality and I hope even more that his transition here isn't a bad one. I stated earlier that some ppl have the luxury of finding that 1 in a million man who has no qualms about anything here at all and they live happily ever after. I hope you're one of those couples that ends up not having any struggles ensha'allah. I wouldn't wish hard times like my hubby and I have been through on anybody.

For everyone here who thinks badly about me because of my opinions............I guess the posts I read about a wife making her husband cry really affected me, it made me very sad, but I do understand all about difficult relationships and being very angry.

From many of the replies after my comment, it seems that everyone thinks I am not sympathetic to another woman's difficulties with her man.......but i am. I have had my share of bad times in my past, i'm human, too.

I really do sympathize with any couple who has difficulties, especially adjusting to the big move to america, and I wish them all well.

But just because most couples have a difficult transition when the spouse arrives in america, doesn't mean all couples will have a difficult transition. It's not really fair for anyone to assume that my husband and I will have the same problems as most. And it's not fair for anyone to insult me because i beleive my husband and i will not have a diffucult transition period.........we know each other and our relationship better than anyone else to make that judgement.

I can honestly say that my husband and I do not have most of the issues i've read about in this forum topic. We are both the same religion and culture and we 100% share the same views about our religion and culture, and how we will continue to live up to them even after he arrives. He is very excited to become a step parent to my daughter, they absolutely love each other so much, and we are all online together every single day for almost 1 year. She listens to him better than me sometimes! He has seen her in bad moods, acting out, etc, so he's prepared. And he has a million neices and nephews, so he's not new to kids.

Maybe some think that is easier said than done, but I'm proof: I wear hijab in america without any negative repercussions, have a great new job and follow my religion without any problems here.

I am absolutely not immature (as someone accused me of being), i know life is not peaches and cream, i do not have unrealistic expectations of life and marriage, and i never said my husband and i are perfect.

My husband was born and raised in Egypt, he has traveled and currently lives and works in the ME, not in Egypt, so he has lived outside of his home country, experiencing many differences. He adapts very well to change, as I do, and he doesn't expect life anywhere to be easy or perfect.

So I hope now anyone who was upset with me understands me a little better. I wish everyone well and happiness with thier marriages and families.

[zahrasalem 114]

I absolutely do not disregard anyone's experiences. But I also have to disagree that anyone can tell anyone else that they will for sure have the same problems as someone else. Each couple IS different. It doesn't matter if a million couples before me said the same things I do about my relationship, it doesn't mean for a fact that my husband and I will have the same issues.

Peace to all

[Aymsgirl 0]

I hope nobody has adjustment issues...seriously. I had the best laid back husband, he was kind, had been a father before, was great to my kids and awesome with me, successful, independent. It's just something weird happened when he went home and came back. I wouldn't wish that readjustment again on anybody. Our marriage was perfect, almost love story book like the first few years of our courting and year of marriage...it was just that trip that did the man in. I'm sure IHQ hit it on the spot though with the people hounding him about the US money, job, success. He's shared a little about it with me but it hurt his ego...lawyer to housekeeper, no independence...come on it would with anybody!

So, I am not upset about any of this anymore. When I said I made my husband cry, well that cry started bringing him back to me. I didn't scream and yell at him but put something really important out there about our future, our son and our life together and our fate. That is what made him cry, his guilt in knowing he was taking it out on me and I was hurting over it and he was what seemed like to me being overbearing and walking all over me. Now he knows, this is unacceptable and I can't handle it and will not handle it. And he knows that it truely wasn't him but frustrations and aggravations with how life is here and how different it is than where he lived and I'm not a bad person who is going to put him through the ringer no matter what people tell him from EG he is accepting our culture.

So, I hope that you know Zahra, I'm not upset with you. Written words can look different and have a different tone than what is an actuality. I wish you and every other gal and guy the best of luck on their journey here. It's a long hard wait, but worth it in the end. No matter how hurt he is about his adjustment here, he's still my guy and holds the key to my heart! He gave me our son and I could never disrespect him just stand by his side and be patient, love him and let our faith lead him to peace.

[amal 4]

I absolutely do not disregard anyone's experiences. But I also have to disagree that anyone can tell anyone else that they will for sure have the same problems as someone else. Each couple IS different. It doesn't matter if a million couples before me said the same things I do about my relationship, it doesn't mean for a fact that my husband and I will have the same issues.

Peace to all

For some reason I feel like this is directed at me so I'mma respond I posted this thread coz my husband has had major issues here and has come around full swing on some of those issues now since living in America for 4 years and having not been home until now. I wanted to give this information (in my own sarcastic way) so that some of the girls that are having issues would see that it is possible that things may make a turn around. I never said anyone else would have problems nor would I ever wish problems upon anyone. You are welcome to believe that things will not change and ensha'allah you are right. Nobody knows ur relationship like u do. I definitely wish you the best of luck.

[In Gods Hands 0]

Gets home..has to use the bathroom....it kills his back and legs! He has grown accustomed to the American toilets (tyvm) and now realizes that it was not such a great idea to tell me "it's easier to use our toilets rather than the american style...its more natural"... Now he says that he doesn't know how he ever learned to use THEIRS and can't wait to have a nice comfy toilet to use when he gets back!

all-in-all he's having a good time but has really seen the difference between Jordan and America now. He is not NEAR as biased as he was before going back. Before ...it was "in jordan, this" and 'in jordan, that" and "this is better in jordan because...." etc.

Thank you for posting this.. Its so good to hear about a "possible future hope". Perhaps when my hubby gets to go back to visit his family again in the future, realization and appreciation will happen. Actually I'm really praying that realization and appreciation would happen now..but...I think either he would have to hear it from another arab guy that's been down the same road or experience it himself (maybe both). Its sure not believable to him when I say it. One thing I do agree with him is how family & friend closeness is much more prevalent in his country compared to what we have both witnessed in where we live now. (However, I would have to say it's kinda the same compared to where I was raised in the islands.. lots of aloha anc family/friend closeness there).

[Hopeishere 4]

Well I have read all the posts here and what an eye opener. I think me and my husbands thing when he gets here is his fear, I know that I will have to be understanding of the adjustments it will be for him. I want to make him as comfortable as he and his family were to me the last 4 trips to Egypt to visit. Fear of the unknown brings out many underlying issues and to me its scary. I just have to go on some faith that everything works out the way its supposed to in this life.

I love him so much and even the distance and him being in the Military is a lot, at least he has his phone and we talk almost daily and text. Thats helped a lot. Also for his breaks he makes his time for me and the good ol' cam and mic. I feel gratefull to at least have that. I can't wait for the day comes to get going with working on our issues and grow from them. Getting divorced is not a solution in our path, but one never knows. I just love him and will continue, who knows maybe in a year I will be on here complaining about him keeping the A/C to cold...lol Im sure that will be the least of our problems. Im glad we are spiritually connected on many levels, with my first marriage I feel in my gut I made the right choice for a husband.

I love you all, and hope to become closer as time goes on.

[morocco4ever 63]

Quick note. My husbands friend and his wife (in the UK) just got back from visiting his family in Morocco. He is one pissed off man! He says he will never go back to his home town again. He says that all of his so called friends were all after him for money. He has become so disillusioned by them all. What were once his good friends are now just users. My husband and I have already seen that side, although my husband hasn't been back yet. One thing however, it does show who is and isn't true friends. Luckily my husband has no expectations on his friends there. He just wants to see his family.

[Muh and me 18]

Quick note. My husbands friend and his wife (in the UK) just got back from visiting his family in Morocco. He is one pissed off man! He says he will never go back to his home town again. He says that all of his so called friends were all after him for money. He has become so disillusioned by them all. What were once his good friends are now just users. My husband and I have already seen that side, although my husband hasn't been back yet. One thing however, it does show who is and isn't true friends. Luckily my husband has no expectations on his friends there. He just wants to see his family.

Maybe you can answer this for me, my husband and I want to go back to Morocco, but he thinks he needs to haqve money for everyone. WTH is up with that. We are in no position to hand money out just cause! Maybe for Mom or the brothers, but nobody else!

[MrsAmera 41]

Trust me - thta is the first thing that will get asked. Not to mention if he goes out with any of his friends he will be the one expected to pay for everything. No holds bar. I too don't mind mom/sisters/family but it gets a little over board. Not to mention having to have a gift for every single person he's ever met. He's gone back 3 times now and every year it's the same .

[Aymsgirl 0]

Trust me - thta is the first thing that will get asked. Not to mention if he goes out with any of his friends he will be the one expected to pay for everything. No holds bar. I too don't mind mom/sisters/family but it gets a little over board. Not to mention having to have a gift for every single person he's ever met. He's gone back 3 times now and every year it's the same .

I really agree on the gift thing! My husband does way to much in this aspect and I think its expected of him.

[Nothing1234 2]

Just a side note....and helpful hint on long term guests.

Hubby is not going home for a bit (I'm going soon to Egypt without him...hehe) BUT I share the similar situation here when family or friends come from overseas to visit. He must spoil them rotten (gifts, eating out, money, etc.) so I can sympathize with those that have to deal w/ this year after year. So IMO it doesn't end when they go home...when relatives/friends come here they need to impress as well.

However, I do benefit from the extra hands around to help me with my LIST of chores I find for them after their "your a guest" time limit is up....if you over stay the normal 2 week limit...you automatically qualify as "family" and thus must do chores like everyone else!

[morocco4ever 63]

The problem stems from the idea that this is the land of money. And for some reason it is important to some of our men to show that they have "made it". One goes back with a handful of gifts and money and claims they made it big (forgetting to mention that they didn't pay months of bills so they could), then the next one thinks that because they don't have tons of money that they have failed, so they make up their riches story as well. Now the people there think that you step off of the plane and the money will be handed to them. so that when someone comes to visit then they can certainly give up some to them, since they will just fly back and get more. It is amazing to see how fast the friends show up at the door and want to hang out, but when the money is gone so are they. No one seems to want to admit that coming here is hard work, and carries with it a lot of necessary expenses.

[bhajishah 4]

Hey now, if we werent socially different (and maybe psychologically as well) we wouldnt be here now would we.

But you know what, I wouldnt trade it for a million dollars, at work i hear of stories about men being selfish drunk lazy and complacent and unattentive hiding things and not praying, expecting woman to pay for half and then some . This would be our american culture. divorce happens at a high rate here. and maybe thats agood thing seeing all the roles women have to keep.

Religion is one thing, Culture is a whole different issue. I am same religion as my husband as well. From a whole different culture, Im glad he spent some time away from his homeland and is older. However you cannot take the country out of the boy. If you have not had any culture clases then one , you are selling your identity out ,or two it will all explode in your face someday.!!!

Adjustment period role defining and etc.. is not only reality it is a must in order for two people to bring thier part of the whole.

Humor helps things a little easier.

I have thrown the pan of food off the deck because it wasnt good enough (it ony took once)

I have made the tea cup too hot to handle bcoz tea itself wasnt hot enough to drink

I have let the dishes pile up bcoz i pull 4 days on call

I dont make homemade flat bread, because i pay half of bills and half into our future plans

I let the grass grow above ankle high and let the city fine him 100 dollars

I did the whistle snap clap to him to get his attention in public, and called him here fido to let him feel how derogatory it is in our culture

once a week he gets LJS fish and chips, becoz i put in my 50 plus hrs waiting on others at work

Even the SHeik (national reknown) agrees and laughs at my antics, "what you do this week", "what you do to upset her this week."

the brothers listening in and agreeing, "no no no , you have american wife." 'surprise you still got your Azz intact. wow"!! Quran says to help her out, not be a burden..LOL

Im proud to be gori muslim wife

unique persons in ourselves!!

would i quit my job and all, never(unless health of family needs)

We pray together, laugh and love together

through trials and differences we gain understanding of each other

In his country I hang out with men in family and give them advice, and its respected

I want to tell the women there to do all the things Ive done in america, but wont because i respect them and thier culture

everyone need to lighten up

sister AMAL is great, she need to do stand up!!!

[bhajishah 4]

PS, now when he happens to be overseas, he does call more than he did when we were engaged. Its ALL VERy sweet!! Hope everyones relations grow stringer with time!! because where most of us start with, it only can get better.

as opposed to here wehre it starts hi then gets on the downward spiral!!

something to look forward to and ponder

Qudah Hafiz

Cshah

[amal 4]

The whole money/gifts thing... with elhubsterro it was like this...He knew his family EXPECTED him to bring gifts, and lots of them. He really didn't wanna spend all that money but he said that no matter how many times he would try to tell them that this country is not paved in gold, they just couldn't grasp that concept and still expected tons of stuff. They haven't asked him for money nor have they asked him to pay for anything. His biggest concern is that they won't allow him to have time alone with his family. He says he didn't go there to see friends ; he went there to see his mother (#1) dad (#2) and his siblings/their kids and that's it. He has gotten really annoyed at the lack of respect for his personal space. He told me that he is ready to "come home" coz he's tired of all the "traditions" he's being "forced" to follow. I almost feel bad for him.....ALMOST