Went home for visit...and

[amal 4]

aww thanks for the sweet things u've all said about me I knew I'd been missing this place for a reason.

[allousa 1]

Amal, first let me say, you have such a great way of describing things. I felt like I was watching the "World Cup" of VJ, tee hee, reading your post.

Many of you know that I rarely post anymore to VJ (busy, busy with the family you know), but happened to stop in today to see what was going on. And many of you know that I don't like to wade into drama....BUT I have to back up my VJ sister Tasha. I can't think of ANYONE LESS hostile than her. None of us know what all she has really been through just emotionally dealing with the adjustment and the "re-adjustment" of her hubby with his travels back and forth. I too was rather miffed at the comment giving her a hard time about being honest about her situation. She's been in the trenches with us and deserves to be lifted up!

My husband and I have been married, I do believe, longer than most MENA peeps here...9 years this May! I met him while he was going to school here in the States and it was hella tough adjusting to our differences THEN! After he came back to the U.S. after being stuck in Morocco for 4 years, it was a different readjustment then too! My husband and I have a FIERCE love for each other....if not, we wouldn't have made it through the "hostility".

Just in many, many threads before about "adjustment", I don't think any of us are trying to use scare tactics to some of the newer peeps, we are just trying to tell you what the reality is of bringing spouses to the U.S. Tasha and I have both said we thought the application process was hell....it's a cakewalk compared to the adjustment phase. I think many of us are just trying to help people from our own experiences to perhaps make it a little easier.

[Sandrila 1]

Brought him down to his knees in tears at times. I told him don't you resent me for your choices you made. I'm not some kind of door mat that you can walk all over and I don't sit here with my mouth shut and I am very independent and get over it, accept it or move on mister. Life is getting better though....not like it was in years before but slowly getting there.

Makes me appreciate so much the love, respect and happiness my husband and I have together............can't imagine either one of us feeling so hostile towards each other.

maybe you ought to not boast about all that too soon.

GOD BLESSED YOU. Count your blessings but in all actuality even the most conventional, attainable relationships, under the best of circumstances, have their downfalls. It ain't all a bed of roses all the time and if you say it is....well....sorry, I don't buy it. Some of our men are very hard to handle and even ungreatful at times. Adjustment is just that because we haven't had time to be together substantially before living together here so at times it can be very maddening to be with a man who thinks he is always right and arguing is futile. I agree with Tasha, when you have given all you can give "take it or leave it!"

Edited July 20, 2009 by Sandrila

[Sandrila 1]

Actually, he'd love it! Through all of this crazy ####### he still says let's just go to live in Egypt. You will love it and this and that. Excuse me, nopers, it would just be the same situation reversed around on me. I often remind him, you made the decision to come here not me. He'd move us in a heartbeat if I said let's go. I can't do it with my two other kids and just uproot them and move to a foreign place where they do not know the language or the culture. That is something I refuse to do when they are only 9 and 11. Plus they have a father and his family here that adore them. I wouldn't do it...no way. Believe me sister, I have put up a big fight with him. Brought him down to his knees in tears at times. I told him don't you resent me for your choices you made. I'm not some kind of door mat that you can walk all over and I don't sit here with my mouth shut and I am very independent and get over it, accept it or move on mister. Life is getting better though....not like it was in years before but slowly getting there.

Yeah, Cheematah...he was just blowing smoke out his butt. It was just something that was a tic for a tat at the time. It made me crazy mad though. He never said it directly to me that it was my fault but I knew it was meant as a blow to me. Plus it was all in aggravation at nothing going his way at the time. I probably shouldn't say it but a lot of these guys are like this from ladies I talk to married to them. When things don't go their way they really do act like spoiled baby brats. Again, he's not a bad guy but had some serious problems adjusting after his trip. The year prior to things were awesome...it's when he went home and came back. Plus you know, mama has something to do with it when she calls and busts his ego down.

When things don't go their way? Nope, it's all of the time. There's the "it's the woman's fault" mentality and it's got to be hard to get out of that mode and accept some personal responsibility when nobody's ever made them do that before. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to "In Egypt (insert some code of life that should apply to everyone, everywhere, no matter what their nationality or background is, that makes it a divine law)", which really means "In Egypt (this is the way it is because it's the only thing I've ever known so we're going to do it my way because my life has always centered around making me happy so you'd better get on the boat and do it, too)." We've had some knock down, drag out brawls and they have always centered around trying to make him understand he is NOT the most important person in the world. Have I made him cry? Yep. Would I do it again? Well, I can't control how he reacts but I surely can control not wanting to be walked all over and/or treated poorly. I have the right to maintain my integrity and dignity and if he doesn't like it, hey, talaq is easy. I will tell you this, though, for as bad as it's been, every single bit of whatever he's doled out that I haven't sat back and taken, has actually made this a much stronger relationship. It's gone from his initial belief that I was a stereotype western woman (thanks to his "friends") and the idea that marriage, in general, is a male dominated relationship, to me being "a good woman" and "a good wife." Stand your ground and don't be ashamed to do it. BTW, he got the message so loud and clear he's distanced himself from those "friends," so something must have gotten through to him.

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!

I also want to reinterate that the way we see our men on their soil may change greatly once they get here.

We may not see them working, stressing about money, becoming a step parent, dealing with how we live our lives here, which may seem "wrong" to them when in reality is quite normal and respectable.

There are too many factors to be considered and I even thought it was just going to be happily ever after.

I am so happy for those of you have a blissful marriage, a very soft spoken, fair and rational man.

But I know that for some of us that is not the case. I am glad this was brought up because our men have a different thinking than we do and sometimes you can take the man out of MENA but not the MENA out of the man.

I just hope for those of us who have major adjustment issues have the chance to see it really blossom.

Edited July 20, 2009 by Sandrila

[amal 4]

I have been wanting to say something but kept forgetting when I would get the chance to come in here. Someone stated before that if we can adjust to life over there, then we will have no problems understanding what our SO's go thru when they adjust here. While this statement is partially true, it is also far from the truth. Here's the reason I believe this.

When we go to their country....we just have to give up some of our more "wild" ways and live in a more conservative way. We have to deal with having to wear more modest clothes than normal. We have to watch what we say a little bit more closely. We learn the woman's "role" in the homes and in public over there. Allowing someone to be slightly more in charge of what we do than usual. It varies from person to person but this is quite commonly the norm. It's difficult, yes, ABSOLUTELY....but nothing compared to what they go thru when they come here.

When they come here, they go from a typically "over conservative", layed back, place where they're in charge and have (usually) a very high reputation, type lifestyle.....to here where everything is enhanced 10 fold , the families aren't usually as close nit (or is it knit...anyway), reputation???what reputation? their job status stinks and will continue to stink for at least a year, everywhere they look there are ppl showing off their bodies, drugs, alcohol, ... get my point?

What I'm saying is that it's difficult to go to a more conservative lifestyle but it's just that much more difficult to come from a conservative lifestyle and be thrown into Vegas and expect to continue as though nothing has changed.... I can't quite say what I'm meaning and in person I could prolly get the point out a bit better.

Just coz u get along great in their country IN NO WAY means that everything will be just as easy when coming over here.

There are a FEW of the girls in this forum who have been blessed with the most wonderful husbands ever created. They got here and figured things out lickety-split and very seldom fight. I envy those women and their relationships. Sadly enough though, it's not like that for everybody.

[JeanneVictoria 55]

I for one am so blessed with how well Wael adjusted. He took to the states like a duck to water!

We have had very few disagreements. He is the same sweet, generous and kind man I met 5 yrs ago. I know there are times he misses Egypt, his family, his friends etc, but he is the one who says when the time is right I will go back for a visit. He has always told me that America is his home now and how much he loves being here. Like you said Amal, he loves all the comforts!! It's so darn hot here and I laugh when he says thank God for A/C!

He's very busy here and I know that is a huge benefit! Next month he begins his classes and he's

looking so forward to obtaining his second degree. We have always talked about goals and now the second goal will become a reality. I'm proud of what he has accomplished since arriving stateside. My heart goes out to the women who are having a tough time. Plz know you are always in my prayers.

Your post was an inspiration Amal!! Thank you!

[amal 4]

thanks

We have our good and dreadful times. I still wouldn't trade him for a warm fuzzy dog

[Ihavequestions 419]

Many of you know that I rarely post anymore to VJ (busy, busy with the family you know), but happened to stop in today to see what was going on. And many of you know that I don't like to wade into drama....BUT I have to back up my VJ sister Tasha. I can't think of ANYONE LESS hostile than her.

I have to comment on the word "hostile". I got a PM - out of nowhere - from a {MENA} VJ member (not zahrasalem) who called me "hostile," "terroristic," and "radicalistic," then went on to say, and I quote, "you can kiss your green card and your want to have a good life here in the USA goodbye."

Yeah, well, I'm the USC.

Whatever.

My point is the use of the word "hostile" is so unkind. Words have power. They're magical almost and once they're out there, they're out there, doing something. We have to be careful how we use them.

[Aymsgirl 0]

Many of you know that I rarely post anymore to VJ (busy, busy with the family you know), but happened to stop in today to see what was going on. And many of you know that I don't like to wade into drama....BUT I have to back up my VJ sister Tasha. I can't think of ANYONE LESS hostile than her.

I have to comment on the word "hostile". I got a PM - out of nowhere - from a {MENA} VJ member (not zahrasalem) who called me "hostile," "terroristic," and "radicalistic," then went on to say, and I quote, "you can kiss your green card and your want to have a good life here in the USA goodbye."

Yeah, well, I'm the USC.

Whatever.

My point is the use of the word "hostile" is so unkind. Words have power. They're magical almost and once they're out there, they're out there, doing something. We have to be careful how we use them.

Who would have known that sharing a few experiences of the "real" world would make people like this. IHQ I never would have thought that you were hostile either just matter of fact. I hated to hear that word used, it's awful and then to see the other three words used against you. I'm sorry somebody displayed that to you.

[amal 4]

wow. I didn't mean to come back to VJ and cause an uproar I feel really bad.

[~Jackie~ 30]

Oh don't feel bad. It could go bad on any given day.

I have my own opinions on the 'going back' but ya know...I don't stand in front of the firing squad anymore. If they want me they gotta come' in get me

Amal's friend 2da end~~~ jaxter

[~Jess~ 0]

Oh don't feel bad. It could go bad on any given day.

I have my own opinions on the 'going back' but ya know...I don't stand in front of the firing squad anymore. If they want me they gotta come' in get me

Amal's friend 2da end~~~ jaxter

Im with Jax, love having you here Amal.

Ive been a target for some of my life choices but thats just it MY life.

I just keep most things to myself and smile and nod lol

[amal 4]

I have a difficult time keeping my mouth shut...and often times face reprocussions for doing so .... but thats ok. I love mah girlz! and thats all that matters

[zahrasalem 114]

For everyone here who thinks badly about me because of my opinions............I guess the posts I read about a wife making her husband cry really affected me, it made me very sad, but I do understand all about difficult relationships and being very angry.

From many of the replies after my comment, it seems that everyone thinks I am not sympathetic to another woman's difficulties with her man.......but i am. I have had my share of bad times in my past, i'm human, too.

I really do sympathize with any couple who has difficulties, especially adjusting to the big move to america, and I wish them all well.

But just because most couples have a difficult transition when the spouse arrives in america, doesn't mean all couples will have a difficult transition. It's not really fair for anyone to assume that my husband and I will have the same problems as most. And it's not fair for anyone to insult me because i beleive my husband and i will not have a diffucult transition period.........we know each other and our relationship better than anyone else to make that judgement.

I can honestly say that my husband and I do not have most of the issues i've read about in this forum topic. We are both the same religion and culture and we 100% share the same views about our religion and culture, and how we will continue to live up to them even after he arrives. He is very excited to become a step parent to my daughter, they absolutely love each other so much, and we are all online together every single day for almost 1 year. She listens to him better than me sometimes! He has seen her in bad moods, acting out, etc, so he's prepared. And he has a million neices and nephews, so he's not new to kids.

Maybe some think that is easier said than done, but I'm proof: I wear hijab in america without any negative repercussions, have a great new job and follow my religion without any problems here.

I am absolutely not immature (as someone accused me of being), i know life is not peaches and cream, i do not have unrealistic expectations of life and marriage, and i never said my husband and i are perfect.

My husband was born and raised in Egypt, he has traveled and currently lives and works in the ME, not in Egypt, so he has lived outside of his home country, experiencing many differences. He adapts very well to change, as I do, and he doesn't expect life anywhere to be easy or perfect.

So I hope now anyone who was upset with me understands me a little better. I wish everyone well and happiness with thier marriages and families.

[MrsAmera 41]

Zahra - I don't think anyone was commenting on your relationship with your husband. I know my husband and I had a great relationship, the issues don't stem from that - they come from the surrounding issues. Inshallah things will be easy for him but please don't disregard everyone's experiences and advice becasue you think your situation is so different - yours is no different than mine and several other ladies I knew. I've been on this site for several years, a year before my husband even came to the US and there have been tens of people before you who said the same things as you. We're here to offer you advice and to prepare yourself for the inevitable issues that will come up once he arrives in the US, can't find his dream job, experiences culture shock, deals with parenting in an American context, finds out how much life costs, etc. etc.