Went home for visit...and

[Ihavequestions 419]

Tasha,

I wanna say I ADMIRE your honesty and Im 100% confident you and the hubster will grow and flourish in your relationship for that exact reason, YOU ARE HONEST. Tons of people on this forum come on and PRETEND to be 100% happy, pretending they never fight, and all is peachy. The ones who are quiet and act like they dont have marriage problems are the ones who HAVE SERIOUS PROBLEMS, IM SURE OF IT. All marriages have obstacles, that is all part of the process. Sof and I have been married four years today, we have a 15 month old, and have worked our asses off to be comfortable in our marriage. IT IS NEVER EASY. Especially when you have 2 cultures, 2 religions, and someone leaving their entire world behind to try and make a good life in a foreign country. There are fights, there are crappy words exchanged, and there are sorrys and reconciliations. Again, all part of growing in a marriage. Tasha should not be dogged for her coming here and being honest. Maybe other people need to start being honest in their relationships.

I totally agree Kelly and I would also add that until someone has their spouse here and is actually experiencing the adjusment growing pains, anything they add is really just conjecture based on the same optimism we all had when we were still waiting and thinking that the time apart would be the hardest and that as soon as our SO got here we would all ride off into the sunset hand in hand....

Absolutely. Add to that the SO's twisted perceptions about how life's going to be, with the glitz and glamour and opulance and wealth that a greencard brings, and there's trainwreck in the future. Trust me, their families and their buddies aren't all about "oh, I know you miss your fiancee/wife and can't wait to be with her." Instead it's non-stop discussions about inflated employment prospects and amplified salary expectations.

My husband has a buddy who's been in the US since the end of June. He's waiting for his employment authorization, doesn't have a social security number, can't put two English words together to form a sentence (I guess Immigration makes way for "the language of love" in interviews after all), but hey!, he's already got himself an $18.00 job and he's well on his way to the good life. He knows another guy who moved from the mid-west to the west coast (without his wife) and, as luck would have it, found himself a job paying *drum roll please* $6,000 a month right away, no broblem. Then there's the dude in Canada who got a rather prestigeous job working security in a hotel. He's earning a small fortune, too.

So, yeah, it's not only the different country and the different culture, it's also marriage, separation from familiy, and fantasy expectations that make it one difficult ride.

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

Tasha,

I wanna say I ADMIRE your honesty and Im 100% confident you and the hubster will grow and flourish in your relationship for that exact reason, YOU ARE HONEST. Tons of people on this forum come on and PRETEND to be 100% happy, pretending they never fight, and all is peachy. The ones who are quiet and act like they dont have marriage problems are the ones who HAVE SERIOUS PROBLEMS, IM SURE OF IT. All marriages have obstacles, that is all part of the process. Sof and I have been married four years today, we have a 15 month old, and have worked our asses off to be comfortable in our marriage. IT IS NEVER EASY. Especially when you have 2 cultures, 2 religions, and someone leaving their entire world behind to try and make a good life in a foreign country. There are fights, there are crappy words exchanged, and there are sorrys and reconciliations. Again, all part of growing in a marriage. Tasha should not be dogged for her coming here and being honest. Maybe other people need to start being honest in their relationships.

I totally agree Kelly and I would also add that until someone has their spouse here and is actually experiencing the adjusment growing pains, anything they add is really just conjecture based on the same optimism we all had when we were still waiting and thinking that the time apart would be the hardest and that as soon as our SO got here we would all ride off into the sunset hand in hand....

Absolutely. Add to that the SO's twisted perceptions about how life's going to be, with the glitz and glamour and opulance and wealth that a greencard brings, and there's trainwreck in the future. Trust me, their families and their buddies aren't all about "oh, I know you miss your fiancee/wife and can't wait to be with her." Instead it's non-stop discussions about inflated employment prospects and amplified salary expectations.

My husband has a buddy who's been in the US since the end of June. He's waiting for his employment authorization, doesn't have a social security number, can't put two English words together to form a sentence (I guess Immigration makes way for "the language of love" in interviews after all), but hey!, he's already got himself an $18.00 job and he's well on his way to the good life. He knows another guy who moved from the mid-west to the west coast (without his wife) and, as luck would have it, found himself a job paying *drum roll please* $6,000 a month right away, no broblem. Then there's the dude in Canada who got a rather prestigeous job working security in a hotel. He's earning a small fortune, too.

So, yeah, it's not only the different country and the different culture, it's also marriage, separation from familiy, and fantasy expectations that make it one difficult ride.

AMEN!!!! :thumbs:

[Jenn! 918]

Speaking of, the neighbor gave his wife a good thumping last night. She screamed and cried and wailed but that didn't stop him from wailing on her for HOURS. At least in America, the land of SIN, the neighbors would have called the police instead of hanging their heads out of their windows to hear every bit of it.

This is so upsetting. I don't know what to say. What's even more upsetting is that it's probably the norm rather than the exception.

[doodlebugg 10]

And insha'allah, after the first time we go back to visit Egypt and he can compare both places, if he thinks something in america is better than in Egypt, I definitely WILL NOT rub it in his face, need to "one up" him about it, say "I told you so" or keep score. I will just smile and be so happy that he is becoming more comfortable to live here. After all, it is a huge adjustment for someone to move to a new land and feel comfortable with the new culture. I've done it several times and can appreciate how it feels.

Not every situation is the same and you don't know anything about Amal's story otherwise you'd probably think that the OP was geniunely funny. Amal is the sweetest woman to ever walk the face of this planet and if you knew her you'd know how much she's sacraficed to make him feel better during his time here so far.

Makes me appreciate so much the love, respect and happiness my husband and I have together............can't imagine either one of us feeling so hostile towards each other.

You're not even together yet!!!! You lived with him for what, 3 months *without* your daughter? That's called a "honeymoon". What Tasha is talking about is called "real life".

Seriously that quote makes me think you are very immature but you stated in another thread that you are years older than your husband. I don't get how a mature woman would even type such a nasty comment in response to another mature woman who is obviously hurting and going through something hard. That's not what most of us do here. What we do is, and this might be totally foreign to you, hold each other's hands and give them enough love and encouragement to get them through the next hurdle. You're still apart from your husband and you must know how having other people in the same boat helps you get through the AP process right? Well people still need help when their husband gets here. You might want to digest that before you come on here again spewing junk like this at a beloved long time member who is going through a hard time.

[Nothing1234 2]

And insha'allah, after the first time we go back to visit Egypt and he can compare both places, if he thinks something in america is better than in Egypt, I definitely WILL NOT rub it in his face, need to "one up" him about it, say "I told you so" or keep score. I will just smile and be so happy that he is becoming more comfortable to live here. After all, it is a huge adjustment for someone to move to a new land and feel comfortable with the new culture. I've done it several times and can appreciate how it feels.

Not every situation is the same and you don't know anything about Amal's story otherwise you'd probably think that the OP was geniunely funny. Amal is the sweetest woman to ever walk the face of this planet and if you knew her you'd know how much she's sacraficed to make him feel better during his time here so far.

Makes me appreciate so much the love, respect and happiness my husband and I have together............can't imagine either one of us feeling so hostile towards each other.

You're not even together yet!!!! You lived with him for what, 3 months *without* your daughter? That's called a "honeymoon". What Tasha is talking about is called "real life".

Seriously that quote makes me think you are very immature but you stated in another thread that you are years older than your husband. I don't get how a mature woman would even type such a nasty comment in response to another mature woman who is obviously hurting and going through something hard. That's not what most of us do here. What we do is, and this might be totally foreign to you, hold each other's hands and give them enough love and encouragement to get them through the next hurdle. You're still apart from your husband and you must know how having other people in the same boat helps you get through the AP process right? Well people still need help when their husband gets here. You might want to digest that before you come on here again spewing junk like this at a beloved long time member who is going through a hard time.

Right on Bridget! When "real" life starts....come on by...we promise not to say "I told ya so....".

Tasha,

I wanna say I ADMIRE your honesty and Im 100% confident you and the hubster will grow and flourish in your relationship for that exact reason, YOU ARE HONEST. Tons of people on this forum come on and PRETEND to be 100% happy, pretending they never fight, and all is peachy. The ones who are quiet and act like they dont have marriage problems are the ones who HAVE SERIOUS PROBLEMS, IM SURE OF IT. All marriages have obstacles, that is all part of the process. Sof and I have been married four years today, we have a 15 month old, and have worked our asses off to be comfortable in our marriage. IT IS NEVER EASY. Especially when you have 2 cultures, 2 religions, and someone leaving their entire world behind to try and make a good life in a foreign country. There are fights, there are crappy words exchanged, and there are sorrys and reconciliations. Again, all part of growing in a marriage. Tasha should not be dogged for her coming here and being honest. Maybe other people need to start being honest in their relationships.

[amal 4]

I know this is off topic but seriously, when people say that the waiting for the visa is the easy part I never believed it. It tore my heart out. It's the adjusting to living together and the other person living in a totally different atmosphere that is the hard part. I remember the pain of being apart but in the midst of the adjustment to being here our adjustment journey has been far worse than the time apart. I only hope that everybody on here's adjustment is much better than my husband's.

Again, don't think he is some kind of crazy freak because of his breastfeeding comment. He's just old school. I think he sees a lot of busy mom's who work and just have the choice to not breast feed and he thinks it is better for the baby. I understand I'm sure it is and good for any woman who can do it. I tried it but it didn't work...over and done with for me. I also tell him, you know you can't change the world...let it be and stop stressing the small stuff. I probably shouldn't have shared that because there are times when maybe I have said something I shouldn't have said to him that would have made some of your toes curl.

I agree 100% about the waiting for the visa being way easier than the adjustment time. Our waiting period was difficult, yes, but man has our adjustment to each other been a bumpy ride. We're talkin roller coaster from the top of the tallest mountain that loop-de-loops, whirls, swirls, and twirls its way to the lowest valley and back up again kind of ride. There are great moments but then there are the moments that really make you wonder just what the heck u were thinking.

I honestly do hope that everybody else here that is waiting for their SO to get here has a much much much smoother and easier adjustment than we had.

[amal 4]

And insha'allah, after the first time we go back to visit Egypt and he can compare both places, if he thinks something in america is better than in Egypt, I definitely WILL NOT rub it in his face, need to "one up" him about it, say "I told you so" or keep score. I will just smile and be so happy that he is becoming more comfortable to live here. After all, it is a huge adjustment for someone to move to a new land and feel comfortable with the new culture. I've done it several times and can appreciate how it feels.

Not every situation is the same and you don't know anything about Amal's story otherwise you'd probably think that the OP was geniunely funny. Amal is the sweetest woman to ever walk the face of this planet and if you knew her you'd know how much she's sacraficed to make him feel better during his time here so far.

Makes me appreciate so much the love, respect and happiness my husband and I have together............can't imagine either one of us feeling so hostile towards each other.

You're not even together yet!!!! You lived with him for what, 3 months *without* your daughter? That's called a "honeymoon". What Tasha is talking about is called "real life".

Seriously that quote makes me think you are very immature but you stated in another thread that you are years older than your husband. I don't get how a mature woman would even type such a nasty comment in response to another mature woman who is obviously hurting and going through something hard. That's not what most of us do here. What we do is, and this might be totally foreign to you, hold each other's hands and give them enough love and encouragement to get them through the next hurdle. You're still apart from your husband and you must know how having other people in the same boat helps you get through the AP process right? Well people still need help when their husband gets here. You might want to digest that before you come on here again spewing junk like this at a beloved long time member who is going through a hard time.

Thanks Brig for bringing that post to my attention. I hadn't even noticed that it was directed at me LOL!

Now in response to it.... My husband and I love each other very very much But those on here who have known me from back when I used to be a constant poster know that my hubster is also very very head strong and refuses to back down when he thinks he's right. My "tallies" were just in good humor and meant nothing more than that. It's just my sense of sarcastic humor coming out. I pretty much type how I talk but in typing u can't see the sarcasm near as well lol. the tallies were more of an "I'm so glad he's finally seeing what I've been telling him for 4 years and he's flat out told me that I'm wrong so thank God that he's finally seeing what I meant" kind of thing rather than actual tallies of right or wrong. I hope that helps to clear up what I mean in my initial post here

Today I started really missing him a lot. Dunno what brought it on but all I wanted was to lay beside him and have his arms around me....and maybe indulge in a little hubby/wifey type activities. I don't usually initiate that kind of stuff so that's proof that I think I'm ready for him to come back lol (again sarcastic humor).

He went to the dentist finally and will go back about 6 times to get all of the problems with his teeth taken care of. He has good teeth, don't get me wrong. He just needs a root canal and a couple cavities emptied and re-filled. I'm glad he's taking care of that!!!

He is gonna be in the news on Tuesday in Jordan! He talked with the owners of the Al-Hussein soccer team club and will be making an official team hussein website! He will be the big boss guy and have 5 guys under him who will be the guys who input the team information and keep it updated! This is very exciting!!! I couldn't be more proud of him!

[a1angied 0]

Amal thanks for sharing loved the count!

Tasha you go girl, You are a stand up lady and don't ever stop being you.,

Adjusting was kind of esy at times and rough at times, I am fortunate that Hasan had a fairly easy time but went right into ESL and completed it. Does he get home sick heck yes he has 4 children in Jordan and has only gone home once and has been here 2 years. It is hard to buy one ticket let alone two. Would I love to go back to Jordan for a visit heck yes well that is not going to happen for awhile cos life is happening. Blending families is hard I have a 20 yr old son who lives with us and a 18 year old daughter. I am greatful that we all adjusted well but he still has views on how and what my children should do or where they should be in their lives but that is life. We live and grow each day. We will have our 3 yr anniv next Friday and his 10m yr gg came Friday so we just take it day by day.

For those waiting to adjust my prayers are with you!

[amal 4]

Oh, yeah, to answer the question as to why we didn't go with our loved ones.... In my situation, we just don't have enough money for all of us to go. He hadn't been home in 4 years and was really feeling the pressure by his family. I would never dream of keeping him from his family so of course I was happy when he found a way to buy his 1600 dollar ticket. My 10 yr old can't leave the country for another year due to his illness. He has to have a clean bill of health for 7 years! 1 more year and he will be considered in full remission!!!!!!!!!! I think we'll celebrate when the time comes! Hubster and I are attempting a trip next year for all 3 of us ensha'allah.

[morocco4ever 63]

Oh, yeah, to answer the question as to why we didn't go with our loved ones.... In my situation, we just don't have enough money for all of us to go. He hadn't been home in 4 years and was really feeling the pressure by his family. I would never dream of keeping him from his family so of course I was happy when he found a way to buy his 1600 dollar ticket. My 10 yr old can't leave the country for another year due to his illness. He has to have a clean bill of health for 7 years! 1 more year and he will be considered in full remission!!!!!!!!!! I think we'll celebrate when the time comes! Hubster and I are attempting a trip next year for all 3 of us ensha'allah.

Our initial reason was financial as well. My work is having 5 forced shutdowns this year. This will take my entire vacation, so this would have to be taken without pay. My husband has been here over 2 years and misses his family. I was without him for 2 years, I would be a very selfish wife if I insisted that he wait until we can both go. We have our entire lives together.

[aya*abouelnasr 0]

And some never even try to make the adjustment to the USA. My soon to be ex still speaks broken English, refused to go to school while he had the chance, and has only Arabic friends.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Actually, he'd love it! Through all of this crazy ####### he still says let's just go to live in Egypt. You will love it and this and that. Excuse me, nopers, it would just be the same situation reversed around on me. I often remind him, you made the decision to come here not me. He'd move us in a heartbeat if I said let's go. I can't do it with my two other kids and just uproot them and move to a foreign place where they do not know the language or the culture. That is something I refuse to do when they are only 9 and 11. Plus they have a father and his family here that adore them. I wouldn't do it...no way. Believe me sister, I have put up a big fight with him. Brought him down to his knees in tears at times. I told him don't you resent me for your choices you made. I'm not some kind of door mat that you can walk all over and I don't sit here with my mouth shut and I am very independent and get over it, accept it or move on mister. Life is getting better though....not like it was in years before but slowly getting there.

Yeah, Cheematah...he was just blowing smoke out his butt. It was just something that was a tic for a tat at the time. It made me crazy mad though. He never said it directly to me that it was my fault but I knew it was meant as a blow to me. Plus it was all in aggravation at nothing going his way at the time. I probably shouldn't say it but a lot of these guys are like this from ladies I talk to married to them. When things don't go their way they really do act like spoiled baby brats. Again, he's not a bad guy but had some serious problems adjusting after his trip. The year prior to things were awesome...it's when he went home and came back. Plus you know, mama has something to do with it when she calls and busts his ego down.

When things don't go their way? Nope, it's all of the time. There's the "it's the woman's fault" mentality and it's got to be hard to get out of that mode and accept some personal responsibility when nobody's ever made them do that before. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to "In Egypt (insert some code of life that should apply to everyone, everywhere, no matter what their nationality or background is, that makes it a divine law)", which really means "In Egypt (this is the way it is because it's the only thing I've ever known so we're going to do it my way because my life has always centered around making me happy so you'd better get on the boat and do it, too)." We've had some knock down, drag out brawls and they have always centered around trying to make him understand he is NOT the most important person in the world. Have I made him cry? Yep. Would I do it again? Well, I can't control how he reacts but I surely can control not wanting to be walked all over and/or treated poorly. I have the right to maintain my integrity and dignity and if he doesn't like it, hey, talaq is easy. I will tell you this, though, for as bad as it's been, every single bit of whatever he's doled out that I haven't sat back and taken, has actually made this a much stronger relationship. It's gone from his initial belief that I was a stereotype western woman (thanks to his "friends") and the idea that marriage, in general, is a male dominated relationship, to me being "a good woman" and "a good wife." Stand your ground and don't be ashamed to do it. BTW, he got the message so loud and clear he's distanced himself from those "friends," so something must have gotten through to him.

[MrsAmera 41]

I don't even know where to start in this thread! I just kept reading and thinking of what I wanted to say but now I completely forgot!

Zahra - I think that it's good that you have high ideas for what your life will be like, but as someone said you'll either be the doormat or be in for a surprise. The ladies commenting have been married for years, have gone through the adjustment ups and downs and you've spent 3 months with your spouse. This is not meant to be an attack I just think that you may need to step back and take to heart some of the things that are being said. Your life won't be peaches and cream, and his adjustment is going to be rough. As it would be for anyone! He is going to have a huge culture shock and frankly you are too. I used to really feel like my husband gave up a lot to come here, and he did, BUT so did I. And so did alot of the women talking in this thread.

Tasha - *hugs* Everytime my husband has these grandioise ideas of what life in Morocco will be like I tell him let's go. For us it was never an issue where we would live. If he wants to move to Morocco I'm game. In the end the issue is him working and not me - I could easily get a job in Morocco. What bothers me is the non-stop complaining at times about how great things are in Morocco and how sh*** his life is here. Well yallah buddy, saddle up I'm ready to go. The problem is he won't make that call.

Amal - As always hilarious. I'm glad your husband has been able to get a little wake up call and see the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

[Sandrila 1]

My husband is returning to Egypt either the end of August or middle of September for Ramadan. He will be there about 4 weeks. I am so thankful that your hubby came is realizing some of these things Amal. I am kind of scared how our situation will turn out because it has taken my husband until now to get out of the depression he sunk into after going back home again. His situation is much different than a lot of men here though. I pray the next time he comes back better and maybe can share a few of the things like your husband did. My husband came home thinking that Egypt rocked and America was just a land of sin!

America is the land of sin compared to Egypt...... Think about it we have stuff like (what goes on in Vages stays in Vages. On TV videos of girls gone wild. And really how many girls are virgins when they get married? I think the morels in this country went to Hell. That is what I loved about Egypt it is like the 1950's America. When people here still had morrels. And my husband notices all the races people here. The girls walking around half dressed. And how rude people are to each other. Dont get me wrong I love being American but sure wish alot of things could change.

i think you and 'ihavequestions', and some of the other women who have lived in egypt for an extended period of time need to have a conversation...

America is the land of sin compared to EGYPT? Sure! Let's talk!

Those television shows? Yep, they got 'em here, too. American, European, sin, sin, sin. It's all here. It's called SATELLITE TELEVISION. Not only that, but the Egyptian television shows that are shown on local cable television are quite an eye-opener. The previews almost always include a man batting a woman around. Speaking of, the neighbor gave his wife a good thumping last night. She screamed and cried and wailed but that didn't stop him from wailing on her for HOURS. At least in America, the land of SIN, the neighbors would have called the police instead of hanging their heads out of their windows to hear every bit of it.

Virgins? Are you serious? Maybe in Upper Egypt, or out in the country, but in the bigger cities, Alexandria or Cairo, that's so not the case. Do you have any idea what the abortion rate is in Egypt? What an "orphan" really is? How many girls are giving their boyfriends oral and ####### sex in lieu of "going all the way"? And, since we're talking, "the surgery" (read: hymen reconstruction surgery) is ever popular, both in the cities and in the countryside. For 200 LE a girl can be a virgin as many times as she wants to. Do you have any idea what the divorce rate is here? Something like 30% of all marriages don't last a year. After three years, that figure is almost 50%. Women don't have to (publicly) protect their virginity once they're divorced? Every single married Egyptian woman I've met has a boyfriend on the side. Every single one. At least in America, in the land of SIN, married women don't have to worry about a desperate girl chasing their husbands because "he can have four!".

Gambling. Prostitution. Drugs - ohmygod hash is everywhere and people are extremely open about their hash use. Adultery. Murders. Robberies. It's aaaaaall here. Every single SIN America has is right here, iin Egypt. They just do it IN THE DARK. Why do you think Egyptians are such notorious liars? They have to because that's what they have to do to do what they want to do. Egypt has two very different sides: the innocent, pious side and the deep, dark filthy side. Don't be fooled by what you see in the daylight because it all changes when the sun goes down.

You wrapped it up very nicely and although my husband isn't from Egypt he tells me the same thing that you stated, it's there only IT'S IN THE DARK.

My husband really has become indifferent toward his own people and people in the Middle East.

It seems strange but I guess he sees right thru the hipocrisy.

We don't discuss it much but I know his life here is way better than there and even though there are things he misses about his country or city specifically I don't think he would want to have to live there again on a permanent basis.

Edited July 20, 2009 by Sandrila

[Aymsgirl 0]

Hey ladies, I want to say a big thanks to all of you. I also want the Zahra to not think that I targeted her in any way at all. I was just responding to the comments made about my post of the things they says is better in their own country as from here. I'll not sugar coat anything for you that's not me.

We are here to help each other through the tons of papers but also to help each other through rough times. I have made wonderful friends on here that have helped me through my trips, papers, marriage, the waiting for the visa, having a baby on my own, almost dying after childbirth, arrival of my husband, adjustment of status, adjustment issues with kids and culture, illness and death. I guess it was just my turn to be misread and judged and hey, it's ok. I know who I am and who my family is and we are "good people". Just have the same roller coaster rides that a lot of us go through. I just don't like preassumptions or reading into things. We also, in our home respect Allah and have faith that he will guide us through it all so that is something we are ever working on.

Thanks to all the ladies out there!

BTW...Amal, she has the best sense of humor and has made me laugh through my tears!