fiance decline to bring son to US

[luckymom 0]

With that last post of yours, I came to realize that your priority is your fiancee for now. Good luck as long as you're happy with the path you chose.

[NArocks 13]

Excuse the butt in, but Lady you need to realize how tramatic this will be on you once you get here. You have spent all of there life with them and now you are going FAR AWAY. Make sure this is what you want. I wish you the best

[Merry Ann's Mykul 0]

We really need to hear from the fiance on this one. I mean there are so many issues already with grown boys (men especially the ones who are raised by single moms, coming into a household with a step father. I think me and this fiance may see some issues here.

But on the other hand, He needs to be accepting in some way to his new stepsons. That he should look torbing them to the U.S. and be willing to support them in a number of ways in getting along in their lives. He can also be very helpful in making a number of ways for the mother to visit home, and communicate with her sons. Bbut lets not get down on the guy too much here, so many culures try to supremcize their value of family over americans. I disagree and take issue with it. I think we Americans are very direct, honest, responsible enough, and mature enough to say what is it that is really needed.

I think this is a cultural issue for this couple. This woman knew she may see an opportunity for her kids to come to the U.S> The fiance has expressed himself I am sure here. But what the fiancee has not done a good job in communicating what she wants. And therein lies the issue here.

I think the boys are grown. They are not babies. And it seems to me that they are starting to move on with their lives. Why interrupt the careers they have started? A government job in the PI is like gold anywhere else.

Now the whole thing with making the fiance out to be no good guy, is just proposterous. He is being honest. He is also very concerned as well about the feelings of his fiancee. In fact he has took 5 years of letting her express herself. But lets be honest here. Filipinos my be close knit in family, but the communication between family members is not good. the way of the culture is to overlook the issue or to not speak about it. Why this difference?

Well the need of every family member in poorer cultures is very important. Social dilemmas outweigh that of the family conflict. So in a way filipinos are using conflict in a way that allows them to all survive better with the predicaments that surround them. And that makes them smart for their issues. They deal with conflict differently. In a more affluent society like the U.S. you will find that filipinos even change to a American way of dealing with conflict. So my point here is to not say that American are not family oriented, ot that filipinos are family oriented, its to say that we are different based our surrounding and predicaments.

I know plenty of american kids who are born here in the U.S. They are exactly the same as any american kid. So its not a cutlure or race thing. Take those kids back to the PI and they are an embarrassment to the culture now.

[ladydreamer 0]

thanks for your input..as from the start..i said..i have seen a window..a chance for my youngest son to come with me or follow me...instead of waiting for 10 to 20 years..until we..my fiance,my youngest or even my eldest son..together in US..as a family.there is a chance..not to wait..but when my fiance gave me an answer..with all humility..i never expected of all the reasons he may give..i.e..can't afford..can't help..or just plain simple honesty to just say it..i don't want your family here...but what i get is "no space for him"...it's so crude..i always expected a negative reply..i said before..we have been for many years a steady.so i know..i guess it's just a wake up call for me..like a pitcher of ice water poured over my head.not saying american/filipino better or a contest..not even cultural thing..it's plain understanding between two couples..like i said..it's a ''RED FLAG" for me.cold feet.thanks again.

[Merry Ann's Mykul 0]

We really need to hear from the fiance on this one. I mean there are so many issues already with grown boys (men) especially the ones who are raised by single moms, and coming into a household with a step father. On top of that a stepfather of different race and culture. I think me and this fiance may see some issues here.

But on the other hand, He needs to be accepting in some ways to his new stepsons. That he should look to bing them to the U.S. at some point, even in 10 years, and be willing to support them in a number of ways in getting along in their lives. He can also be very helpful in making a number of ways for the mother to visit home often, and communicate with her sons. But lets not get down on the guy too much here, so many cultures try to "supremecize" their "value of family" over Americans. I disagree and take issue with this. I think we Americans are very direct, honest, responsible enough, and mature enough to say what is it that is really needed. I believe that by saying outright that you dont want children, is being pro-family. Its making the choice upfront that makes it pro-family. I am sure this guy has expressed this to her at some point. Did she listen, or did she overlook his point, and think that he would change his mind later?

I think this is a cultural issue for this couple and family. This woman knew she may see an opportunity for her kids to come to the U.S with her only after she read the DS156K? huh? The fiance has expressed himself I am sure here. But what the fiancee has not done a good job is communicating what she wants and needs. And therein lies the issue here.

I think the boys are grown already. But like my wife told me that filipino children are usually overnurtured by American standards. So in the filipino mothers eyes these are still boys, and they are not men yet. They are not babies though. And it seems to me that they are starting to move on with their lives. Why interrupt the careers they have started? A government job in the PI is like gold anywhere else.

Now the whole thing with making the fiance out to be no good guy, is just crazy. He is being honest. He is also very concerned as well about the feelings of his fiancee. In fact he has took 5 years of letting her express herself. But lets be honest here. Filipinos my be close knit in family, but the communication between filipino family members is not always clear and complete. The way of the culture is to overlook some issues or to not speak about it. Why this difference? The biggest issue I see where there is a difference between Americans and Filipino culture is how we approach Conflict Resolution.

Well the need of every family member in poorer cultures is very important. Social dilemmas (ie the needs for food, housing etc) outweighs that of the family conflict and dilemmas (ie. me and my sister dont get along well). So in a way Filipinos are using conflict in a way that allows them to all survive better with the predicaments that surround them. And that makes them smart for their issues. They deal with conflict differently. They know that dealing with such family dilemmas on hurts the other problems that directly affect all in the family. Americans are different. In a more affluent society like the U.S. you will find that Filipinos even change to a American way of dealing with conflict. So my point here is to not say that American are not family oriented, ot that filipinos are family oriented, its to say that we are different based our surrounding and predicaments.

I know plenty of filipino American kids who are born here in the U.S. They are exactly the same as any american kid. So its not a cutlure or race thing. Take those kids back to the PI and they are an embarrassment to the culture now.

[muñequita linda 0]

We really need to hear from the fiance on this one. I mean there are so many issues already with grown boys (men) especially the ones who are raised by single moms, and coming into a household with a step father. On top of that a stepfather of different race and culture. I think me and this fiance may see some issues here.

But on the other hand, He needs to be accepting in some ways to his new stepsons. That he should look to bing them to the U.S. at some point, even in 10 years, and be willing to support them in a number of ways in getting along in their lives. He can also be very helpful in making a number of ways for the mother to visit home often, and communicate with her sons. But lets not get down on the guy too much here, so many cultures try to "supremecize" their "value of family" over Americans. I disagree and take issue with this. I think we Americans are very direct, honest, responsible enough, and mature enough to say what is it that is really needed. I believe that by saying outright that you dont want children, is being pro-family. Its making the choice upfront that makes it pro-family. I am sure this guy has expressed this to her at some point. Did she listen, or did she overlook his point, and think that he would change his mind later?

I think this is a cultural issue for this couple and family. This woman knew she may see an opportunity for her kids to come to the U.S with her only after she read the DS156K? huh? The fiance has expressed himself I am sure here. But what the fiancee has not done a good job is communicating what she wants and needs. And therein lies the issue here.

I think the boys are grown already. But like my wife told me that filipino children are usually overnurtured by American standards. So in the filipino mothers eyes these are still boys, and they are not men yet. They are not babies though. And it seems to me that they are starting to move on with their lives. Why interrupt the careers they have started? A government job in the PI is like gold anywhere else.

Now the whole thing with making the fiance out to be no good guy, is just crazy. He is being honest. He is also very concerned as well about the feelings of his fiancee. In fact he has took 5 years of letting her express herself. But lets be honest here. Filipinos my be close knit in family, but the communication between filipino family members is not always clear and complete. The way of the culture is to overlook some issues or to not speak about it. Why this difference? The biggest issue I see where there is a difference between Americans and Filipino culture is how we approach Conflict Resolution.

Well the need of every family member in poorer cultures is very important. Social dilemmas (ie the needs for food, housing etc) outweighs that of the family conflict and dilemmas (ie. me and my sister dont get along well). So in a way Filipinos are using conflict in a way that allows them to all survive better with the predicaments that surround them. And that makes them smart for their issues. They deal with conflict differently. They know that dealing with such family dilemmas on hurts the other problems that directly affect all in the family. Americans are different. In a more affluent society like the U.S. you will find that Filipinos even change to a American way of dealing with conflict. So my point here is to not say that American are not family oriented, ot that filipinos are family oriented, its to say that we are different based our surrounding and predicaments.

I know plenty of filipino American kids who are born here in the U.S. They are exactly the same as any american kid. So its not a cutlure or race thing. Take those kids back to the PI and they are an embarrassment to the culture now.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!

[Merry Ann's Mykul 0]

thanks for your input..as from the start..i said..i have seen a window..a chance for my youngest son to come with me or follow me...instead of waiting for 10 to 20 years..until we..my fiance,my youngest or even my eldest son..together in US..as a family.there is a chance..not to wait..but when my fiance gave me an answer..with all humility..i never expected of all the reasons he may give..i.e..can't afford..can't help..or just plain simple honesty to just say it..i don't want your family here...but what i get is "no space for him"...it's so crude..i always expected a negative reply..i said before..we have been for many years a steady.so i know..i guess it's just a wake up call for me..like a pitcher of ice water poured over my head.not saying american/filipino better or a contest..not even cultural thing..it's plain understanding between two couples..like i said..it's a ''RED FLAG" for me.cold feet.thanks again.

In all honesty, I think that "no space for him" means No space for him. Its just an honest point he is making. While many filipinos think that is ok to bring their family members here to sleep on couches, and on the floor in one home, that most Americans think that is inappropriate to live that way for long periods of time. I think you and your fiance may have a cultural misunderstanding. He probably dont like the idea of a grown man sleeping on the couch in the living room.

Americans see this as a NO NO. I know plenty of filipinos come here and live in a 2 BR apt with 8 or 10 people, and they call themselves family oriented. Americans call that unacceptable to live that way. Neither ir roght or wrong. Just different perspectives. You should respect his words.

We really need to hear from the fiance on this one. I mean there are so many issues already with grown boys (men) especially the ones who are raised by single moms, and coming into a household with a step father. On top of that a stepfather of different race and culture. I think me and this fiance may see some issues here.

But on the other hand, He needs to be accepting in some ways to his new stepsons. That he should look to bing them to the U.S. at some point, even in 10 years, and be willing to support them in a number of ways in getting along in their lives. He can also be very helpful in making a number of ways for the mother to visit home often, and communicate with her sons. But lets not get down on the guy too much here, so many cultures try to "supremecize" their "value of family" over Americans. I disagree and take issue with this. I think we Americans are very direct, honest, responsible enough, and mature enough to say what is it that is really needed. I believe that by saying outright that you dont want children, is being pro-family. Its making the choice upfront that makes it pro-family. I am sure this guy has expressed this to her at some point. Did she listen, or did she overlook his point, and think that he would change his mind later?

I think this is a cultural issue for this couple and family. This woman knew she may see an opportunity for her kids to come to the U.S with her only after she read the DS156K? huh? The fiance has expressed himself I am sure here. But what the fiancee has not done a good job is communicating what she wants and needs. And therein lies the issue here.

I think the boys are grown already. But like my wife told me that filipino children are usually overnurtured by American standards. So in the filipino mothers eyes these are still boys, and they are not men yet. They are not babies though. And it seems to me that they are starting to move on with their lives. Why interrupt the careers they have started? A government job in the PI is like gold anywhere else.

Now the whole thing with making the fiance out to be no good guy, is just crazy. He is being honest. He is also very concerned as well about the feelings of his fiancee. In fact he has took 5 years of letting her express herself. But lets be honest here. Filipinos my be close knit in family, but the communication between filipino family members is not always clear and complete. The way of the culture is to overlook some issues or to not speak about it. Why this difference? The biggest issue I see where there is a difference between Americans and Filipino culture is how we approach Conflict Resolution.

Well the need of every family member in poorer cultures is very important. Social dilemmas (ie the needs for food, housing etc) outweighs that of the family conflict and dilemmas (ie. me and my sister dont get along well). So in a way Filipinos are using conflict in a way that allows them to all survive better with the predicaments that surround them. And that makes them smart for their issues. They deal with conflict differently. They know that dealing with such family dilemmas on hurts the other problems that directly affect all in the family. Americans are different. In a more affluent society like the U.S. you will find that Filipinos even change to a American way of dealing with conflict. So my point here is to not say that American are not family oriented, ot that filipinos are family oriented, its to say that we are different based our surrounding and predicaments.

I know plenty of filipino American kids who are born here in the U.S. They are exactly the same as any american kid. So its not a cutlure or race thing. Take those kids back to the PI and they are an embarrassment to the culture now.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Sorry to put you to sleep...lol...sorry to bore you.

[chinese_mutt 11]

thanks for your input..as from the start..i said..i have seen a window..a chance for my youngest son to come with me or follow me...instead of waiting for 10 to 20 years..until we..my fiance,my youngest or even my eldest son..together in US..as a family.there is a chance..not to wait..but when my fiance gave me an answer..with all humility..i never expected of all the reasons he may give..i.e..can't afford..can't help..or just plain simple honesty to just say it..i don't want your family here...but what i get is "no space for him"...it's so crude..i always expected a negative reply..i said before..we have been for many years a steady.so i know..i guess it's just a wake up call for me..like a pitcher of ice water poured over my head.not saying american/filipino better or a contest..not even cultural thing..it's plain understanding between two couples..like i said..it's a ''RED FLAG" for me.cold feet.thanks again.

In all honesty, I think that "no space for him" means No space for him. Its just an honest point he is making. While many filipinos think that is ok to bring their family members here to sleep on couches, and on the floor in one home, that most Americans think that is inappropriate to live that way for long periods of time. I think you and your fiance may have a cultural misunderstanding. He probably dont like the idea of a grown man sleeping on the couch in the living room.

Americans see this as a NO NO. I know plenty of filipinos come here and live in a 2 BR apt with 8 or 10 people, and they call themselves family oriented. Americans call that unacceptable to live that way. Neither ir roght or wrong. Just different perspectives. You should respect his words.

You make a good point. To me it just sounds like a cultural difference too. My husband would sometimes say something and I have to keep adjusting to his point of view and the culture in US vs my point of view and our culture.

talking is the key.... this is a valid issue that you should not supress. Americans like direct talk... they tell you as it is. Unlike here, you gotta find all the nice words to deliver a simple message.

It takes two to make a relationship. As I've said, I see no reason to paint him as the abusive ####### if you haven't exhausted all effort to talk.

[chinese_mutt 11]

^That's the problem. They are not informed about it. Some people just don't read instructions. I am guessing, based on the OP's post, that the son is not listed on the petition since they are not informed about the age requirements.

That's kind of how I was reading it...which moots the whole "I fear he's not the man I fell in love with because he won't accept to bring out my grown 20 year old" argument of the OP. If true, they both failed to read the directions/info at the onset. Fact of the matter is, they are her kids...she should have done all the research to know if or how she can take her kids with her when she emigrates. The appropriate research was not done at the beginning...but to now question the character of the man because he did not react appropriately is kind of hypocritical IMO.

She's talking about feelings, I don't think the petition is the point of the post... insofar as how she phrased her posts. IMHO.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

You make a good point. To me it just sounds like a cultural difference too. My husband would sometimes say something and I have to keep adjusting to his point of view and the culture in US vs my point of view and our culture.

talking is the key.... this is a valid issue that you should not supress. Americans like direct talk... they tell you as it is. Unlike here, you gotta find all the nice words to deliver a simple message.

It takes two to make a relationship. As I've said, I see no reason to paint him as the abusive ####### if you haven't exhausted all effort to talk.

Excellent and most important point. to you

[ladydreamer 0]

alot of inputs alot of views...thanks, it's getting more confusing seeing a situation from other points of views,i respect whatever issues u see in this case.it proves an honest statement can be diverted to other dissected issues.no offense.just grateful.thanks again.

[sjr09 155]

i don't understand why you're only dealing with this now... you should've talked about this long before you started your relationship... if your son is important to you, should'nt you have considered this long before you started an LDR with US citiizen with possible migration issues.

the most possible thing that i can see here is 1. he doesn't want to deal with an adolescent son in his life now. 2. or he doesn't have enough money to file for your son.

My best suggestion is fix this issue before you migrate to US. You will end up resenting your fiance/husband for this and your marriage will be rocky from the start. Don't be so eager to migrate if you have issues with leaving your son here.

Good luck to you and I hope you work things out.

[macutelit 0]

thanks for your input..as from the start..i said..i have seen a window..a chance for my youngest son to come with me or follow me...instead of waiting for 10 to 20 years..until we..my fiance,my youngest or even my eldest son..together in US..as a family.there is a chance..not to wait..but when my fiance gave me an answer..with all humility..i never expected of all the reasons he may give..i.e..can't afford..can't help..or just plain simple honesty to just say it..i don't want your family here...but what i get is "no space for him"...it's so crude..i always expected a negative reply..i said before..we have been for many years a steady.so i know..i guess it's just a wake up call for me..like a pitcher of ice water poured over my head.not saying american/filipino better or a contest..not even cultural thing..it's plain understanding between two couples..like i said..it's a ''RED FLAG" for me.cold feet.thanks again.

In all honesty, I think that "no space for him" means No space for him. Its just an honest point he is making. While many filipinos think that is ok to bring their family members here to sleep on couches, and on the floor in one home, that most Americans think that is inappropriate to live that way for long periods of time. I think you and your fiance may have a cultural misunderstanding. He probably dont like the idea of a grown man sleeping on the couch in the living room.

Americans see this as a NO NO. I know plenty of filipinos come here and live in a 2 BR apt with 8 or 10 people, and they call themselves family oriented. Americans call that unacceptable to live that way. Neither ir roght or wrong. Just different perspectives. You should respect his words.

You make a good point. To me it just sounds like a cultural difference too. My husband would sometimes say something and I have to keep adjusting to his point of view and the culture in US vs my point of view and our culture.

talking is the key.... this is a valid issue that you should not supress. Americans like direct talk... they tell you as it is. Unlike here, you gotta find all the nice words to deliver a simple message.

It takes two to make a relationship. As I've said, I see no reason to paint him as the abusive ####### if you haven't exhausted all effort to talk.

[eros_EX_Plumber 0]

thanks for your input..as from the start..i said..i have seen a window..a chance for my youngest son to come with me or follow me...instead of waiting for 10 to 20 years..until we..my fiance,my youngest or even my eldest son..together in US..as a family.there is a chance..not to wait..but when my fiance gave me an answer..with all humility..i never expected of all the reasons he may give..i.e..can't afford..can't help..or just plain simple honesty to just say it..i don't want your family here...but what i get is "no space for him"...it's so crude..i always expected a negative reply..i said before..we have been for many years a steady.so i know..i guess it's just a wake up call for me..like a pitcher of ice water poured over my head.not saying american/filipino better or a contest..not even cultural thing..it's plain understanding between two couples..like i said..it's a ''RED FLAG" for me.cold feet.thanks again.

Sorry to hear that, but the choice of words could have been better.....true.

Personally, I don't think he is NOT great financial situation and "NO SPACE" could mean he is living in an apartment and not a house and possibly cannot afford the extra guest and the extra financial burden.

Understanding between 2 couples is ALWAYS a WORK in PROGRESS....it never ends, there is no time when both wake in the morning and fully understand each other.....talking and exchange of ideas is the key...

I know couples that are married for 50 years.....and understanding each other is still a work in progress for them..

Edited July 18, 2009 by ErosandSally