fiance decline to bring son to US

[AbbynSheryl 0]

i agree with u NATALYA 100%

very good thinking

abby n sheryl

[chinese_mutt 11]

my fiance have known about my kids..since the very beginning, been a steady for 5 years.met my kids twice.we..me+fiance,thought that aged out is 18..not 21..so in our minds..even my boys..we thought they are not qualified to join me.my fiance knows that my boys are my life..that is why i have this dilemma..it's true..about what other members just said..it put into my mind..thinking that he loves me..but my family he does not accept was very new..although not surprising..i know and understand a person changes when u marry them..been in that situation before.lol. i was taken aback by his reasons..clearly giving me reasons that are very superficial even non-emotional and i remind him that this person we're talking about is my youngest son. still..i truly love him..but then there is that setback.in all honesty..i asked him to get advice here at vj..or even to filipino friends he has..just to have an open opinion of the repercussion he might have with his action. he decline. i know it's up to me. it seemed to much unfair..but then i know..God moves in very mysterious ways..He never let us make decisions that would hurt us. the only family i got are my two great kids..my eldest 23 has a job with a government agency doing pretty well for himself.my youngest been following his brother's lead..making his own living.i am at peace of leaving them behind..but when i saw a chance..well..now u know..DS156K..hahaha..a simple question leads to many emotions and a lot more difficult questions..thanks again for sharing your thoughts and more of that motherly love..no problem with grammar..happy to read all your input.thanks again.

I'm sorry to sound insensitive, but it seems to me that it was YOU who changed your mind not your fiance.

If you've known each other for 5 years and all the while both of you knew that your son will "age out" upon reaching his 18th birthday... then it means that you have both decided to NOT get married until your kids are independent already. I don't understand why you are blaming your fiance about this since he did not really change his mind at all. To me it sounds like he accepted them as part of your life BUT you both postponed marriage until such time that both of your sons are stable in life already, which is right about now. If you had wanted your son to be petitioned too, you should've both gotten married like 3-4 years ago when you believed that he will soon 'aged out'. From my point of view, he loves you and accepts your sons.. he just doesn't want the complications that runs with bringing a teenager in US plus the money involved in getting him there, feeding him, waiting until he can work, etc. etc. etc. or he really just wants you as companion and figured that once your sons reach proper age that you will be free to enjoy life with him.

Don't get me wrong, I know that you are a mother... but based on what've imparted to us so far.. it seems that it is you who have changed.

Now, all you gotta do is think whether you'd really want to go through living in US without your kids or stay here. Either way would be painful..

but choose the one that you can live with the most. I say, if you feel so hurt and disappointed... don't leave. If you can get past this issue and honestly

admit to yourself that it was you who changed your mind and that you are the one who went back on your word and you accept the truth and will not blame your fiance for taking you away from your boys, then I say go.

It will be your choice alone.

[johnj 0]

I'm sorry to sound insensitive, but it seems to me that it was YOU who changed your mind not your fiance.

If you've known each other for 5 years and all the while both of you knew that your son will "age out" upon reaching his 18th birthday... then it means that you have both decided to NOT get married until your kids are independent already. I don't understand why you are blaming your fiance about this since he did not really change his mind at all. To me it sounds like he accepted them as part of your life BUT you both postponed marriage until such time that both of your sons are stable in life already, which is right about now. If you had wanted your son to be petitioned too, you should've both gotten married like 3-4 years ago when you believed that he will soon 'aged out'. From my point of view, he loves you and accepts your sons.. he just doesn't want the complications that runs with bringing a teenager in US plus the money involved in getting him there, feeding him, waiting until he can work, etc. etc. etc. or he really just wants you as companion and figured that once your sons reach proper age that you will be free to enjoy life with him.

Don't get me wrong, I know that you are a mother... but based on what've imparted to us so far.. it seems that it is you who have changed.

Now, all you gotta do is think whether you'd really want to go through living in US without your kids or stay here. Either way would be painful..

but choose the one that you can live with the most. I say, if you feel so hurt and disappointed... don't leave. If you can get past this issue and honestly

admit to yourself that it was you who changed your mind and that you are the one who went back on your word and you accept the truth and will not blame your fiance for taking you away from your boys, then I say go.

It will be your choice alone.

If you marry or plan to marry someone (man or woman) who has children, regardless of the age of the children, I feel you must be willing to embrace them as part of your family. This includes opening the doors to your home at anytime they need or request to be together with their parent, provided there are not issues with drugs and other such distractors. IMO, the man does not just have a fiancee, he has a fiancee with children (regardless of their ages). If he does not want the children then I feel she should look for another man willing to accept her family. A parent should never be forced to choose between a fiance/fiancee and their children (provided issues with drugs and similar issues not involved).

As an example, my fiancee is from Russia. Russians are very family oriented. She has a sister (with husband and daughter), mother and father. I am prepared to invite any and all of these family members into my home if necessary. I accept this as part of becoming part of a Russian family.

If the man wants a single lady, he should look for a single lady-not a mother with semi-adult children.

Edited July 17, 2009 by john and natalya

[luckymom 0]

I love your post john and Natalya. Very well said. I hope the OP will be enlightened. The 2nd and last paragraph are the exact words that I agree on. Your wife is very lucky to have you same as myself (very lucky to have my BOB).

[chinese_mutt 11]

I'm sorry to sound insensitive, but it seems to me that it was YOU who changed your mind not your fiance.

If you've known each other for 5 years and all the while both of you knew that your son will "age out" upon reaching his 18th birthday... then it means that you have both decided to NOT get married until your kids are independent already. I don't understand why you are blaming your fiance about this since he did not really change his mind at all. To me it sounds like he accepted them as part of your life BUT you both postponed marriage until such time that both of your sons are stable in life already, which is right about now. If you had wanted your son to be petitioned too, you should've both gotten married like 3-4 years ago when you believed that he will soon 'aged out'. From my point of view, he loves you and accepts your sons.. he just doesn't want the complications that runs with bringing a teenager in US plus the money involved in getting him there, feeding him, waiting until he can work, etc. etc. etc. or he really just wants you as companion and figured that once your sons reach proper age that you will be free to enjoy life with him.

Don't get me wrong, I know that you are a mother... but based on what've imparted to us so far.. it seems that it is you who have changed.

Now, all you gotta do is think whether you'd really want to go through living in US without your kids or stay here. Either way would be painful..

but choose the one that you can live with the most. I say, if you feel so hurt and disappointed... don't leave. If you can get past this issue and honestly

admit to yourself that it was you who changed your mind and that you are the one who went back on your word and you accept the truth and will not blame your fiance for taking you away from your boys, then I say go.

It will be your choice alone.

If you marry or plan to marry someone (man or woman) who has children, regardless of the age of the children, I feel you must be willing to embrace them as part of your family. This includes opening the doors to your home at anytime they need or request to be together with their parent, provided there are not issues with drugs and other such distractors. IMO, the man does not just have a fiancee, he has a fiancee with children (regardless of their ages). If he does not want the children then I feel she should look for another man willing to accept her family. A parent should never be forced to choose between a fiance/fiancee and their children (provided issues with drugs and similar issues not involved).

As an example, my fiancee is from Russia. Russians are very family oriented. She has a sister (with husband and daughter), mother and father. I am prepared to invite any and all of these family members into my home if necessary. I accept this as part of becoming part of a Russian family.

If the man wants a single lady, he should look for a single lady-not a mother with semi-adult children.

I agree with you... this shouldn't even be a contest.. between a fiance and choosing your child.

BUT as I said, they've been going out for 5 years, at a certain point I'm sure both of them have agreed to postpone her

immigration until the children have become adults already. We always assume that the 'guy' is an #######... but from what I can see and read from the OP's post, it seems that it was she who actually changed her mind. Cold feet? Planned? I don't know.

That's why I am saying, if she's not ready to leave her children behind then she should not leave at all. BUT I'm also saying that this shouldn't have come up just now. I would've understood it if their relationship is like 6 months old including k1 petition time frame.. but they've been going out for 5 years. To me it sounds like they've talked about it, agreed that it will be just her who will be migrating and now she's having cold feet. Whether she is a good mother or not is not my point. Whether he accepts the kids or not (and it seems that he does because they get along whenever he visits) is not a question here.

We both agree to one point though, if she feels that she's abandoning her child and he's asking her to choose between fiance vs children then for me... she shouldn't leave. That is not the way to live a life.

Let's not be quick to judge the guy in this situation, as always there's two sides of the story. It is easy to comiserate with a woman but the truth is it takes two to make a relationship work.

Edited July 17, 2009 by tngirl21809

[johnj 0]

I'm sorry to sound insensitive, but it seems to me that it was YOU who changed your mind not your fiance.

If you've known each other for 5 years and all the while both of you knew that your son will "age out" upon reaching his 18th birthday... then it means that you have both decided to NOT get married until your kids are independent already. I don't understand why you are blaming your fiance about this since he did not really change his mind at all. To me it sounds like he accepted them as part of your life BUT you both postponed marriage until such time that both of your sons are stable in life already, which is right about now. If you had wanted your son to be petitioned too, you should've both gotten married like 3-4 years ago when you believed that he will soon 'aged out'. From my point of view, he loves you and accepts your sons.. he just doesn't want the complications that runs with bringing a teenager in US plus the money involved in getting him there, feeding him, waiting until he can work, etc. etc. etc. or he really just wants you as companion and figured that once your sons reach proper age that you will be free to enjoy life with him.

Don't get me wrong, I know that you are a mother... but based on what've imparted to us so far.. it seems that it is you who have changed.

Now, all you gotta do is think whether you'd really want to go through living in US without your kids or stay here. Either way would be painful..

but choose the one that you can live with the most. I say, if you feel so hurt and disappointed... don't leave. If you can get past this issue and honestly

admit to yourself that it was you who changed your mind and that you are the one who went back on your word and you accept the truth and will not blame your fiance for taking you away from your boys, then I say go.

It will be your choice alone.

If you marry or plan to marry someone (man or woman) who has children, regardless of the age of the children, I feel you must be willing to embrace them as part of your family. This includes opening the doors to your home at anytime they need or request to be together with their parent, provided there are not issues with drugs and other such distractors. IMO, the man does not just have a fiancee, he has a fiancee with children (regardless of their ages). If he does not want the children then I feel she should look for another man willing to accept her family. A parent should never be forced to choose between a fiance/fiancee and their children (provided issues with drugs and similar issues not involved).

As an example, my fiancee is from Russia. Russians are very family oriented. She has a sister (with husband and daughter), mother and father. I am prepared to invite any and all of these family members into my home if necessary. I accept this as part of becoming part of a Russian family.

If the man wants a single lady, he should look for a single lady-not a mother with semi-adult children.

I agree with you... this shouldn't even be a contest.. between a fiance and choosing your child.

BUT as I said, they've been going out for 5 years, at a certain point I'm sure both of them have agreed to postpone her

immigration until the children have become adults already. We always assume that the 'guy' is an #######... but from what I can see and read from the OP's post, it seems that it was she who actually changed her mind. Cold feet? Planned? I don't know.

That's why I am saying, if she's not ready to leave her children behind then she should not leave at all. BUT I'm also saying that this shouldn't have come up just now. I would've understood it if their relationship is like 6 months old including k1 petition time frame.. but they've been going out for 5 years. To me it sounds like they've talked about it, agreed that it will be just her who will be migrating and now she's having cold feet. Whether she is a good mother or not is not my point. Whether he accepts the kids or not (and it seems that he does because they get along whenever he visits) is not a question here.

We both agree to one point though, if she feels that she's abandoning her child and he's asking her to choose between fiance vs children then for me... she shouldn't leave. That is not the way to live a life.

Let's not be quick to judge the guy in this situation, as always there's two sides of the story. It is easy to comiserate with a woman but the truth is it takes two to make a relationship work.

We agree, the fiance and fiancee have a shared responsibility; I do not blame the man any more or (or less) than the woman. My fiancee and I have never discussed her sister, mother, father or any other family member coming to America. For me, there is no discussion. They are her family so they are my family. They will always be welcome in my home, temporary or long term.

[ladydreamer 0]

annulment here took way too long(4yrs+)..it's not that i had cold feet..learning that my son has a chance to be in the US..instead of 10 to 20 years after..i asked my fiance if he agrees..which he don't.and never in my mind that age out was 21...always thought it was 18...that's why i asked him.if he would agree to my request.it's not a contest between my son and my fiance..it's how i thought he viewed family as a whole.my sons 23/20 has decent jobs..which of course exclude them from being drug addict or nuisance to the society.they are able and responsible young men.which is why i said..i am at peace that i will leave them here..cause they have jobs..house over their head..but i too want them if there is a way to be with them.changing minds in something as important as this i think is mature and responsible thing to do.if the application with DS 156K would have said that.."any children under 18 can accompany or follow you"...well.that's fine..but it says 21..so i asked...nothing wrong with that..now i have this dilemma..why a person..who says who love me and my children..and would give opportunity for them...would say..he has no space in his house? sorry but now i have cold feet.pretty scary coming from someone who says he loves you...very very scared.thanks again.

[johnj 0]

annulment here took way too long(4yrs+)..it's not that i had cold feet..learning that my son has a chance to be in the US..instead of 10 to 20 years after..i asked my fiance if he agrees..which he don't.and never in my mind that age out was 21...always thought it was 18...that's why i asked him.if he would agree to my request.it's not a contest between my son and my fiance..it's how i thought he viewed family as a whole.my sons 23/20 has decent jobs..which of course exclude them from being drug addict or nuisance to the society.they are able and responsible young men.which is why i said..i am at peace that i will leave them here..cause they have jobs..house over their head..but i too want them if there is a way to be with them.changing minds in something as important as this i think is mature and responsible thing to do.if the application with DS 156K would have said that.."any children under 18 can accompany or follow you"...well.that's fine..but it says 21..so i asked...nothing wrong with that..now i have this dilemma..why a person..who says who love me and my children..and would give opportunity for them...would say..he has no space in his house? sorry but now i have cold feet.pretty scary coming from someone who says he loves you...very very scared.thanks again.

ladydreamer;

I agree; this would be a deal breaker for me. I would cancel any future plans to be with this man. You now know his true character and it does not match your wishes.

Others:

I am not saying his character is bad; just that it does not match what she has expressed for her family.

[Minya's wife 24]

Wait, were your sons listed on the initial I-129F petition your fiance filed here in the States? If so, you should have known about that age-out for children is 21 because it states so on the instructions to completing the K-1 petition.

From the form the I-129f instructions:

NOTE: Unmarried children of your fiancé(e) or spouse who are under 21 years of age and listed on this form will be eligible to apply to accompany your fiancé(e) or spouse.

But if because you thought they were already aged-out when you applied, and did not include them in the initial petition, you could not include them on the DS156K and have them come with you even if you fiancee did not object.

Just a thought....

[Zen Den 18]

Wait, were your sons listed on the initial I-129F petition your fiance filed here in the States? If so, you should have known about that age-out for children is 21 because it states so on the instructions to completing the K-1 petition.

From the form the I-129f instructions:

NOTE: Unmarried children of your fiancé(e) or spouse who are under 21 years of age and listed on this form will be eligible to apply to accompany your fiancé(e) or spouse.

But if because you thought they were already aged-out when you applied, and did not include them in the initial petition, you could not include them on the DS156K and have them come with you even if you fiancee did not object.

Just a thought....

ladydreamer, don't take your fiance's being direct about not having a place for your other son to mean that he doesn't love you fully and truly...remember americanns just happen to be more direct when expressing themselves. And even if you don't get to bring both of them to the US, you can always visit them later, or they can apply as immigrants themselves, or maybe if they find USC fiancees they'd be able to follow you a lot sooner than 10 years. For now concentrate on the new life you will have here in the US with your fiance, because that's your priority in the place, right?

[sheila526 2]

^That's the problem. They are not informed about it. Some people just don't read instructions. I am guessing, based on the OP's post, that the son is not listed on the petition since they are not informed about the age requirements.

[Minya's wife 24]

^That's the problem. They are not informed about it. Some people just don't read instructions. I am guessing, based on the OP's post, that the son is not listed on the petition since they are not informed about the age requirements.

That's kind of how I was reading it...which moots the whole "I fear he's not the man I fell in love with because he won't accept to bring out my grown 20 year old" argument of the OP. If true, they both failed to read the directions/info at the onset. Fact of the matter is, they are her kids...she should have done all the research to know if or how she can take her kids with her when she emigrates. The appropriate research was not done at the beginning...but to now question the character of the man because he did not react appropriately is kind of hypocritical IMO.

[Loolie 56]

dear vj members,

what shall i do..very confused..my fiance dn't want to bring my 20 yr old son to US..he'll soon turn 21..i can petition him but would take more than 10 years..not sure if fiance understand how it is to worry about someone you love.i love my fiance very much..but this is something new to our relationship.pls advice..need help

sine you are at peace of leaving your sons because they have good life in pi already and good jobs then why make any complications? you cant take everything in just one time...just take it slowly...

[raquel_1208 1]

How about being honest to your fiance' about how you feel with his reaction with your son coming along since he was honest with you in the first place? Talking and being truthful to each other is part of having a relationship. If financial issue is the problem why he does not agree with you, then tell him that you and your son will help him out eventually since your son is old enough to get a job when he comes here.

[ladydreamer 0]

with I 129F both my kids were declared it's only a few weeks ago that i knew about the aged out is 21 when i started to download all the forms to be filled in preparation for the interview.i got the package that my fiance made an exact copy he sent to USCIS, that's where i knew he put all the boys names there.honestly i don't know about the fact that 21 is the borderline for being considered as a "child" in the US.with your input,i guess, my fiance knew about this..but did not discuss it with me.the form I 129F was the form he filled up to send out the petition at USCIS..i never saw that form..moreover did not even read through it.i know what my goal is,to be with my fiance asap..all modesty..i am happy with him for 5 years now.broke my heart knowing how he reacts to these...i guess, deep inside..i realize he really doesn't want any of my kids to be with me there..your right..my kids are ok. he just wants me.which he should have pursued a single lady..no excess baggage to worry about.hahaha..Lord knows how to give us warnings..when u see a red flag.thanks so much.