fiance decline to bring son to US

[ladydreamer 0]

dear vj members,

what shall i do..very confused..my fiance dn't want to bring my 20 yr old son to US..he'll soon turn 21..i can petition him but would take more than 10 years..not sure if fiance understand how it is to worry about someone you love.i love my fiance very much..but this is something new to our relationship.pls advice..need help

[sheila526 2]

First, you should have talked about your concern regarding your son's coming with you before you even start the process. There's nothing you can really do but talk to your fiance. It's hard to understand that this kind of situation is something new to your relationship. He should have known about your plan. You should have known his stand for this matter. Good luck

Edited July 16, 2009 by sheila526

[ladydreamer 0]

First, you should have talked about your concern regarding your son's coming with you before you even start the process. There's nothing you can really do but talk to your fiance. It's hard to understand that this kind of situation is something new to your relationship. He should have known about your plan. You should have known his stand for this matter. Good luck

thanks..my fiance was trying to pleased me..but i know he doesn't want anything to do with my family..u know..the half yes but deep inside a big NO NO.. i dn't want to bring my son to the US and feel alienated..better off here(PI) than there..for me it's a set back to where i am at.will be having my interview next week.feeling so low.such a waste to wait another 10 to 20 years before getting my sons together in the states.my youngest is the only on that can come with me..sayang.

[chinese_mutt 11]

i don't understand why you're only dealing with this now... you should've talked about this long before you started your relationship... if your son is important to you, should'nt you have considered this long before you started an LDR with US citiizen with possible migration issues.

the most possible thing that i can see here is 1. he doesn't want to deal with an adolescent son in his life now. 2. or he doesn't have enough money to file for your son.

My best suggestion is fix this issue before you migrate to US. You will end up resenting your fiance/husband for this and your marriage will be rocky from the start. Don't be so eager to migrate if you have issues with leaving your son here.

Good luck to you and I hope you work things out.

Edited July 16, 2009 by tngirl21809

[galadriel46 0]

dear vj members,

what shall i do..very confused..my fiance dn't want to bring my 20 yr old son to US..he'll soon turn 21..i can petition him but would take more than 10 years..not sure if fiance understand how it is to worry about someone you love.i love my fiance very much..but this is something new to our relationship.pls advice..need help

did he tell you why he doesnt want to bring your son to the u.s.? he should know how much you love your son. maybe its because your son's 21 and your fiance thinks he's already an adult and has a life of his own...but once you tell him how you feel, maybe he'll understand. he should because he loves you and would do anything to make you happy!

[JSVP08 3]

First, you should have talked about your concern regarding your son's coming with you before you even start the process. There's nothing you can really do but talk to your fiance. It's hard to understand that this kind of situation is something new to your relationship. He should have known about your plan. You should have known his stand for this matter. Good luck

thanks..my fiance was trying to pleased me..but i know he doesn't want anything to do with my family..u know..he half yes but deep inside a big NO NO. i dn't want to bring my son to the US and feel alienated..better off here(PI) than there..for me it's a set back to where i am at.will be having my interview next week.feeling so low.such a waste to wait another 10 to 20 years before getting my sons together in the states.my youngest is the only on that can come with me..sayang.

how can u have an interview next week with unresolved issue about your child? like TNGIRL21809 said, letting go this now and allow yourself to migrate with a heavy heart (a child is a child no matter how young or old) will eventually lead to resentment thus a rocky marriage to begin with. ok so like the rest said, he must have a reason why which is ok provided you both agreed and accepted the decision not to bring him along.

i pray you sort this problem soon. i can understand how heavy your heart must be in the event of leaving your son...visits will be your only option whilst its painful. best of luck

Edited July 16, 2009 by JSVP08

[ladydreamer 0]

before, we discussed it and both my son's 23/20 not interested in coming..obviously 23 is over aged...it's only recent when i am filing with DS156K that my 20 yr old son can come...i asked my son, he likes to come..he's working at a call center..reason of fiance not to come was..no space for him to stay..i was hurt but knowing his character..no surprise. my fiance and i have been together for several years already..i am not really eager to live in the states..been there..seen it.long before i know my fiance...never thought will have this dilemma..until that DS156K.thanks for sharing your thoughts..and wishing me luck.

[BrianandMerne 3]

I am sorry you are in a dilemma right now. This however will not amount to anything except resentments on each side of your significant others, your fiance's and your son's, when you decide either way. I only wonder however how is it possible that you decided to marry this person who seems, as you shared, quite unwilling to accept your children.

Have a good one at the interview. We are sure you would make it.

[sasha414 0]

you have been given good advice here and i hope things work out well for you. you can discuss the issue again with your fiance and if he says no, then i guess in the end it will have to be you who needs to decide whether to choose your son or your fiance. and whatever your decision is, i hope it will be for the good of everyone involved. i also have kids and i made sure we discussed important matters even before my petition was filed.

[luckymom 0]

No offense meant to you huh! Before I met my husband he knows everything about me already. I said upfront that my 2 sons are my life and they are my priority. He understood it fully and we get married months after. No surprises, and he knows all the difficulty we will be dealing re immigration, relationship, extended family and all the complications in a mix cultural marriage. He has no kid, he was married once and for 30 years he was single. His family is very small comprising of his father and mother and sister who is in another state. The reason why I'm telling you this is I came from a very big family in the Philippines and obviously my husband and I's situation is extreme.

We sat down and talk everything before marriage and he accepted ALL about me and I accepted everything about him. He petitioned my two boys, one is 18 and the younger one is 13. Unfortunately my 13 year old has a medical issue at SLEC and when I picked my older one last April 10, the other one was left behind. At first, I had fears what will be the scenario at home obviously between the two men in my life (my son and husband). As what I prayed, everything turned out the BEST. They are good friends now, and sometimes my son can even relate to my husband (obviously because they are both men). He taught my son to use fork and knife to eat here and to drive and my son has a license now. He assisted my son in his TOEFL and he enrolled my son here in Rhode Island College. It's an almost perfect stepfather-stepson relationship. They play pool together, bike together and do some other things together without me. I am telling you this because I believe that in any second mix-cultural relationship - there is always the adjustment stage by all the people involved. The key in a relationship like you and I have is to be honest from the very beginning of each and everyone's life.

The big question mark in my mind about this is how come it is only now that you've known that your husband doesn't like your son to go with you. Isn't the issue discussed thoroughly BEFORE the petition? Did your husband showed any dislike about your son or your situation (that you have sons and family) in our country? I know you feel bad about not bringing your son here in the US. This is just my thing, even if my son will sleep in the couch, it will not matter to me. When your son will be here, after some time adjusting he can go on his own and lead a good life here and of course he will be out of your house eventually. Worse come to worse, if you have relatives in any part of the US you can ask them to accommodate your son in their place. There are other ways and means to remedy the situation. I tell you, more than 10 years of petitioning your son when he aged out is really the most hurting experience for a mother. I in particular cannot deal with the pain of separation when we were just on this visa process of my two sons how much more 10 years. Think it over please before it's too late. Good luck and I pray that God will enlighten both you and your husbands heart and in the end you can bring your husband after you pass the interview at USEM next month. Keep the faith. Sorry for my long post because I easily become emotional if I read a topic like this. I just can't believe that you will leave your son like that. Please don't misinterpret my suggestions.

[luckymom 0]

Hi Again! I'm sorry for my bad grammar sometimes (because I came across one post that some people are scrutinizing some posters usage of the English language especially if the post is long). The reason being is as we know English is our 2nd language. While I'm re-reading my post I find some inconsistencies on my grammar, please bear with them. Thanks.

[luckymom 0]

I'm more confused now, I made a mistake again, I thought he is your husband already. Pardon my 3 posts almost the same time. I don't have much sleep and when I came across this topic I can't help but post my opinions. With that, I made some mistakes.

[JnJ 0]

you said that, at first, your son (age 20) did not want to go. i would speculate that 'proly your fiance was taken aback with the new development (son now wanting to go), hence his "resistance" , coupled with the fact that in this country, at age 20, one is pretty much on his own.

i would strongly suggest that you have a good honest discussion with your guy and let him know your concerns. if it becomes the deciding factor in your relationship, so be it. know what you want. know what he wants. and decide. either way, its you and your fiance's decision. and in this scenario, no one should judge you for that.

[ladydreamer 0]

my fiance have known about my kids..since the very beginning, been a steady for 5 years.met my kids twice.we..me+fiance,thought that aged out is 18..not 21..so in our minds..even my boys..we thought they are not qualified to join me.my fiance knows that my boys are my life..that is why i have this dilemma..it's true..about what other members just said..it put into my mind..thinking that he loves me..but my family he does not accept was very new..although not surprising..i know and understand a person changes when u marry them..been in that situation before.lol. i was taken aback by his reasons..clearly giving me reasons that are very superficial even non-emotional and i remind him that this person we're talking about is my youngest son. still..i truly love him..but then there is that setback.in all honesty..i asked him to get advice here at vj..or even to filipino friends he has..just to have an open opinion of the repercussion he might have with his action. he decline. i know it's up to me. it seemed to much unfair..but then i know..God moves in very mysterious ways..He never let us make decisions that would hurt us. the only family i got are my two great kids..my eldest 23 has a job with a government agency doing pretty well for himself.my youngest been following his brother's lead..making his own living.i am at peace of leaving them behind..but when i saw a chance..well..now u know..DS156K..hahaha..a simple question leads to many emotions and a lot more difficult questions..thanks again for sharing your thoughts and more of that motherly love..no problem with grammar..happy to read all your input.thanks again.

[johnj 0]

For me, this is easy decision. Do not join with man that will not accept your children.