Not formally engaged yet but...

[MikenKyhen 0]

There is always the possibility for three years and dump. After three years and she gets her USC, she has the same rights as any other US citizen to bring relatives into the US without waiting for a visa number to become available. Blood is always thicker than water, so that is something to think about. If she already has relatives in the county, that would be a way to help make sure you don't end up supporting all her relatives on your own. Chances are she will be willing to work to provide help back home. Love is never easy, and your plans are not always her plans. Life has it's surpises, and marriage, especially marriage to a foreigner, is no exception.

All that said, good luck. Fortune never favors the timid, or the unprepared.

Thanks for the honest advice here Bill.

I appreciate ALL of you VJ'ers helping me out and being honest with me.

I believe I understand about the 3 years and USC thing. I have been reading a LOT... She currently has no family or relatives here that I am aware of. I am fairly certain she would have mentioned that by now if she did. She does come from a poor family but I very much believe that she is an honest person.

She seems to have no desperate 'need' or desire to get out of the PI to support herself or her family right now. I did a google earth for a really good satellite view of where she works, I have also seen a bunch of pictures of her at work... She is NOT suffering a bit there. (unless you would consider it suffering to not have a balcony overlooking the golfcourse in Mandaluyong! She lives/works on the opposite side of the condominium for that! ) She makes a good wage (considering she lives and works in the PI) and her current employer provides her with all of her necessities such as room and boarding, food, etc. She is able to use most all of the money she does make to help her family and she does... From what she tells me, she is saving most all of her money to help them buy a better house there and also helping her sister with tuition. This lady does seem to have some great values going for her!

Part of the reason I have so much faith in this woman and belief in her sincerity is because of her lack of 'need' to get out so that she can help them. I fully understand how desperate people can and WILL do desperate things to get what they 'need' and this lady is not desperate in my opinion... She could very easily stay right where she is at and be able to provide for both herself and her family.

I would not easily ask any wife of mine to work outside of our home unless it was her choice. I do well enough to support a wife and family myself and I would rather just cut back and 'manage' while the wife got to do as she pleased... It would not be a problem to give her a small allowance to help her with her family obligations either... I would however, have a major problem if all of the sudden an entire extended family wanted to 'move in'... That would be a deal breaker for me...

Aside of that, A well bred and properly trained Doberman would simply not allow strangers in the house. We used to have to lock them up in the back room when the X wifes family would visit... I paid 'extra' for that breeding there!

Hello!!!

Questions... have you met her? If not, my biggest suggestion will be to come as a "friend" and see how you really feel about her. First off, and I'm not saying she's liar blah blah, and I DON'T want to offend you or her... but there are many ways to skin a cat... she could've given you somebody else's address for a start. She could assume any kind of role, job included, and just tell you these great things about her so you won't see any red flags. Meeting her in person would be a great way to determine if what she says is true. You will be able to assess their family's financial position and if you can really support them. I tell you now, you may need to send US100-US200 monthly to her family once she gets there and you are both married. I've read somewhere here that some would send even upto USD500 a month. Take that into consideration before deciding to pursue a long term relationship.

Second, about the visitor's visa. Almost every Filipinos dream is to set foot in America. Even my parents wanted to get a tourist visa to see where I'm going to live with my husband. I think it both stems from their eagerness to see me married and in good hands or they just want to see US... the latter does not necessarily mean anything bad so long as the parents are willing to spend money on the trip and not depend the entire amount on you.

Third, about the money issues, I would sincerely suggest that you be open and honest to her about it. If you trust her, then give her a general idea about your income and your expenses and how much you put into savings monthly. Then tell her that if you both decide that you love each other and want to get married, your income would probably be such and such, your expense will slightly go up, and on top of that you will have to pay a lot for the immigration papers. Make sure she is clear about this and she does not expect you to feed her entire clan. Likewise, tell her that you can only help her family up to XXX amount until such time that she can work... then you also have to talk about her salary and how the two of you will dispose it for your expenses in US, sending money home, etc.

Finally, if she is paying for schooling of siblings or nephews and nieces, then expect that if she moves to the US that she will have to continue to do this and the family would most likely have more reason to ask for money from you. (ie graduation, outings, school projects). Expect also to shoulder part of the expense of buying the house.

Well, relationships are hard... if she loves you and if she is a mature woman capable of handling adult conversations about money and the future... then you are lucky, you found a good gem.

I like the way you think Izzy..Well put.

[muñequita linda 0]

If I were the woman that this guy is interested in, I'd just tell him to go away. Who cares for someone who talks nothing but dogs in his page?

[SuperDuper! 230]

There is always the possibility for three years and dump. After three years and she gets her USC, she has the same rights as any other US citizen to bring relatives into the US without waiting for a visa number to become available. Blood is always thicker than water, so that is something to think about. If she already has relatives in the county, that would be a way to help make sure you don't end up supporting all her relatives on your own. Chances are she will be willing to work to provide help back home. Love is never easy, and your plans are not always her plans. Life has it's surpises, and marriage, especially marriage to a foreigner, is no exception.

All that said, good luck. Fortune never favors the timid, or the unprepared.

Thanks for the honest advice here Bill.

I appreciate ALL of you VJ'ers helping me out and being honest with me.

I believe I understand about the 3 years and USC thing. I have been reading a LOT... She currently has no family or relatives here that I am aware of. I am fairly certain she would have mentioned that by now if she did. She does come from a poor family but I very much believe that she is an honest person.

She seems to have no desperate 'need' or desire to get out of the PI to support herself or her family right now. I did a google earth for a really good satellite view of where she works, I have also seen a bunch of pictures of her at work... She is NOT suffering a bit there. (unless you would consider it suffering to not have a balcony overlooking the golfcourse in Mandaluyong! She lives/works on the opposite side of the condominium for that! ) She makes a good wage (considering she lives and works in the PI) and her current employer provides her with all of her necessities such as room and boarding, food, etc. She is able to use most all of the money she does make to help her family and she does... From what she tells me, she is saving most all of her money to help them buy a better house there and also helping her sister with tuition. This lady does seem to have some great values going for her!

Part of the reason I have so much faith in this woman and belief in her sincerity is because of her lack of 'need' to get out so that she can help them. I fully understand how desperate people can and WILL do desperate things to get what they 'need' and this lady is not desperate in my opinion... She could very easily stay right where she is at and be able to provide for both herself and her family.

I would not easily ask any wife of mine to work outside of our home unless it was her choice. I do well enough to support a wife and family myself and I would rather just cut back and 'manage' while the wife got to do as she pleased... It would not be a problem to give her a small allowance to help her with her family obligations either... I would however, have a major problem if all of the sudden an entire extended family wanted to 'move in'... That would be a deal breaker for me...

Aside of that, A well bred and properly trained Doberman would simply not allow strangers in the house. We used to have to lock them up in the back room when the X wifes family would visit... I paid 'extra' for that breeding there!

There is this guy named Cesar the Dog Whisperer, and he takes the most hostile dogs, and turns them into cuddly puppies.

Good choice in focusing on a Filipina. Their sweet, gentle submissive attitude makes all the difference in a life-long relationship. Divorce does not officially exist in their country, so they try harder to make a marriage work when the going gets rough.

A tourist visa to the US is virtually impossible for the 98th percentile of all Filipinos to get, so this is not a realistic pursuit. This is why the K1 Visa is so good: It offers a 90 day trial period before you have to get married.

You could both meet in a 3rd country, like Costa Rica or Barbados where she is allowed to travel, and some men have done just that.

Good Luck with your sweet pinay!

[chinese_mutt 11]

If I were the woman that this guy is interested in, I'd just tell him to go away. Who cares for someone who talks nothing but dogs in his page?

are you trying to be funny?

If it's not too much to ask, tell her to bring you to her work place so you can meet her boss and her colleagues. Just my two cents worth.

great idea!

my husband would walk me to school and would come pick me up when he came to visit me.

[maritoni 3]

Follow your instinct. If something feels wrong, it usually is. just be careful and on the alert.And same as the other posters suggestions,come and meet her in the philippines or ask her to come visit you in the US she seem doing quite well so she probably can...Goodluck!

Edited July 7, 2009 by maritoni

[muñequita linda 0]

If I were the woman that this guy is interested in, I'd just tell him to go away. Who cares for someone who talks nothing but dogs in his page?

are you trying to be funny?

No, I'm serious!

[justashooter 430]

Could be they talk about other things in private, sugar linda.

marrying a pinay woman is like marrying a chinese woman in some ways. the family is important, so you have to tolerate the phone bills and the sending money home. putting a limit on it that is reasonable is part of the key. discuss with her how much support she extends to the family now, estimate how much she can make in the states in similar occupation and how much of that she would need to contribute to household expenses she will need to function. make the rest discretionary, once she establishes an income of her own. set a clear limit on how much she can spend and send home until she establishes her own income.

when she gets here, have the money in hand to file AOS immediately, teach her to drive or use local transport, and help her to find a job. if she is a decent woman she will admire you for empowering her and stand on her own feet, loyal to you. if she is #######, you will find out sooner.

[BJZags 17]

She is able to use most all of the money she does make to help her family and she does... From what she tells me, she is saving most all of her money to help them buy a better house there and also helping her sister with tuition.

As others have said, this "might" be a red flag if the helping the family/buy a house scenario is not discussed before the engagement. As she is currently using most of her earnings to help her family, expect this to continue if she finds employment in America. If she does not find work in America, expect that you will have to do this for her. This isn't a bad thing, or a good thing, just comes with the territory. While the loyalty of Filipinos to the family may be vexing to many Americans, this quality is also what makes them the wonderful people they are.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

just a reminder - if you don't have anything useful to add to the discussion, it is best not to add anything at all. Address the OPs concerns and leave your personal opinions out of it.

[Loolie 56]

Sooo, I have this wonderful lady friend living in the Philippines. I have been talking to her a lot lately and getting to know her much better. I really think she is a very sincere and honest person and plan to visit her and spend some time with her and her family very soon in Cebu. This lady has most all of the qualities I seek in a future wife... Aside of being a beautiful lady from the PI, She has a dog currently and will not be freaked out by my Dobermans and she also participated in the CAT's program when she was in school so she will not be freaked out to see any of my firearms laying about the place...

She has spoke to her parents about me and she told me her mother was telling her about a possible Tourist VISA for them (the parents) in the future.

I had to spend a bit of time explaining things to her. I tried very patiently and carefully to explain how that would take a lot of time, effort and money.

I also explained to her that should WE decide to marry and be together someday that it would be a long process and cost a pile of money as well...

I try to always be very honest with Sarie. I have explained to her MANY times that I am NOT rich in any way shape or form... She NEVER asks for any money of me and I think she is a very honest and sincere person. Because of her job there, most all of her personal needs are met and she gets a paycheck on top of that. She does not really 'need' anything from me...

Questions here are:

Does the topic of family VISA's and parents visiting come up often between other Fi-West couples?

Any advice on how to best explain the time and cost's involved so that she can best understand?

I can understand how ANY lady that would be considering moving to a foreign land would be concerned about staying in touch with (and visiting) her family occasionally.

I bet if she had to sit down with my check and pay my bills she would understand right away.

Would be nice if any of you Fi-West couples had similar discussions you could share advice here about...

for me i guess theres no best way to explain about how life here in usa...talking about money and bills...because people in pi they really think that americans are rich in dollars... they will only understand it well when they get here and experience what life here. for me, i never promise my parents for any tourist visa for them here...because i still need to know about usa why make promises and i went here not for any reasons but only for my hubby.

im just wondering if shes really sincere and honest person why you are like having a hard time explaining to her about those issues? if shes really what you think she is then you shouldnt be asking those questions here right?

[luckymom 0]

I am just curious about the age of your fiancee because you mentioned about the CAT. Many schools are not having that nowadays, it's just optional. It was a very long time ago that CAT was mandatory. And it's NOT very common that having a tourist visa for family members are discussed in a FI-west relationship. The parents can just go ahead with the tourist visa as long as they want. I don't see any reason why it has to be discussed with you. Just my opinion.

[chinese_mutt 11]

Sooo, I have this wonderful lady friend living in the Philippines. I have been talking to her a lot lately and getting to know her much better. I really think she is a very sincere and honest person and plan to visit her and spend some time with her and her family very soon in Cebu. This lady has most all of the qualities I seek in a future wife... Aside of being a beautiful lady from the PI, She has a dog currently and will not be freaked out by my Dobermans and she also participated in the CAT's program when she was in school so she will not be freaked out to see any of my firearms laying about the place...

She has spoke to her parents about me and she told me her mother was telling her about a possible Tourist VISA for them (the parents) in the future.

I had to spend a bit of time explaining things to her. I tried very patiently and carefully to explain how that would take a lot of time, effort and money.

I also explained to her that should WE decide to marry and be together someday that it would be a long process and cost a pile of money as well...

I try to always be very honest with Sarie. I have explained to her MANY times that I am NOT rich in any way shape or form... She NEVER asks for any money of me and I think she is a very honest and sincere person. Because of her job there, most all of her personal needs are met and she gets a paycheck on top of that. She does not really 'need' anything from me...

Questions here are:

Does the topic of family VISA's and parents visiting come up often between other Fi-West couples?

Any advice on how to best explain the time and cost's involved so that she can best understand?

I can understand how ANY lady that would be considering moving to a foreign land would be concerned about staying in touch with (and visiting) her family occasionally.

I bet if she had to sit down with my check and pay my bills she would understand right away.

Would be nice if any of you Fi-West couples had similar discussions you could share advice here about...

for me i guess theres no best way to explain about how life here in usa...talking about money and bills...because people in pi they really think that americans are rich in dollars... they will only understand it well when they get here and experience what life here. for me, i never promise my parents for any tourist visa for them here...because i still need to know about usa why make promises and i went here not for any reasons but only for my hubby.

im just wondering if shes really sincere and honest person why you are like having a hard time explaining to her about those issues? if shes really what you think she is then you shouldnt be asking those questions here right?

If she is having trouble understanding how his finaces works.. it does not necessarily mean that she's not honest or sincere. The first does not necessarily imply the second. Not everybody can easily understand how vast the diffence is when it comes to USA and Philippines. The OP's girl probably just needs some time to learn and adjust. Give her a break!

Furthermore, the OP wanted to ask insights and inputs on how to proceed with his long distance relationship. I don't think it is because he does not trust her or thinks that she is in for the GC only. From what I've read (both from OP's post and other VJ member's reply) is that he just wants to know the cultural difference of AM-FIL relationship and how to tread the waters.

Edited July 8, 2009 by tngirl21809

[SnME 3]

I am just curious about the age of your fiancee because you mentioned about the CAT. Many schools are not having that nowadays, it's just optional. It was a very long time ago that CAT was mandatory. And it's NOT very common that having a tourist visa for family members are discussed in a FI-west relationship. The parents can just go ahead with the tourist visa as long as they want. I don't see any reason why it has to be discussed with you. Just my opinion.

Almost 27 yrs old. I am fairly sure she said graduated in 2001. I spent some time reading about the CAT program and most of the things I read seemed very positive and encouraging. I got the impression that many people that participated in it were very proud of it.

I googled the actual school she went to because I wanted to learn more about it and her education/life and got sick. Freaking sick. Read a FEW news stories about it and the gangs and drugs etc. I understand that not ALL schools there are the same and I will mention no names here... I also understand that sometimes parents are poor and can't afford to send their kids to the finest schools around... I am not blind to the realities of 'life'.

I thank GOD that the X wife and I homeschooled our kids. Example: Say my 12 yr old walks up at 8:00PM wanting to have the TV to play some Xbox... No problem, I toss him a page of math problems first. Sometimes I may just ask him a single question... Like, What is the 12 digit to the right of the decimal in PI? Kid can spit that out in less than 2 or 3 minutes only using pencil and paper. Had to stop asking for digits less than 10 places over because he memorized all those... He gets to play a LOT of games because he works his tail off at his studies... 22/7 is PI BTW...

Sorry, had to rant. Reading about that school made me ill.

[SnME 3]

If she is having trouble understanding how his finaces works.. it does not necessarily mean that she's not honest or sincere. The first does not necessarily imply the second. Not everybody can easily understand how vast the diffence is when it comes to USA and Philippines. The OP's girl probably just needs some time to learn and adjust. Give her a break!

Furthermore, the OP wanted to ask insights and inputs on how to proceed with his long distance relationship. I don't think it is because he does not trust her or thinks that she is in for the GC only. From what I've read (both from OP's post and other VJ member's reply) is that he just wants to know the cultural difference of AM-FIL relationship and how to tread the waters.

I could not have said that any better TNgirl. Thanks!!!

Tried again to explain the money differences a little while ago talking to her. We were discussing the monthly grocery bill cost here vs. there. I had my currency converter out and was giving her numbers in Pesos to make it easier for her to understand... It is difficult to explain that we are NOT rich when we sit back pounding on a laptop that cost 40 or 50 thousand Pesos and we consider it to be a 'slow' laptop and are looking for a newer model...

50,000 Pesos will go a LONG way in the PI but you cant live long on that over here...

This is definitely going to take time to relate to her... I can understand why, and I appreciate the advice as to how to help explain this.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

If she is having trouble understanding how his finaces works.. it does not necessarily mean that she's not honest or sincere. The first does not necessarily imply the second. Not everybody can easily understand how vast the diffence is when it comes to USA and Philippines. The OP's girl probably just needs some time to learn and adjust. Give her a break!

Furthermore, the OP wanted to ask insights and inputs on how to proceed with his long distance relationship. I don't think it is because he does not trust her or thinks that she is in for the GC only. From what I've read (both from OP's post and other VJ member's reply) is that he just wants to know the cultural difference of AM-FIL relationship and how to tread the waters.

I could not have said that any better TNgirl. Thanks!!!

Tried again to explain the money differences a little while ago talking to her. We were discussing the monthly grocery bill cost here vs. there. I had my currency converter out and was giving her numbers in Pesos to make it easier for her to understand... It is difficult to explain that we are NOT rich when we sit back pounding on a laptop that cost 40 or 50 thousand Pesos and we consider it to be a 'slow' laptop and are looking for a newer model...

50,000 Pesos will go a LONG way in the PI but you cant live long on that over here...

This is definitely going to take time to relate to her... I can understand why, and I appreciate the advice as to how to help explain this.

Coverting to pesos just seems to fog the mind. Even when the Pinay come here, they start to go crazy just converting everything to pesos, so eventually they give up for their own sanity. I think it's better to convert how long you have to work, to pay for whatever you are talking about. My wife works and if I tell her that her two week check does not even cover the mortgage payment, then she understands a little better. If she knows that what she makes does help with the bills, then she feels a little better about it all, and herself.