Not formally engaged yet but...

[SnME 3]

Sooo, I have this wonderful lady friend living in the Philippines. I have been talking to her a lot lately and getting to know her much better. I really think she is a very sincere and honest person and plan to visit her and spend some time with her and her family very soon in Cebu. This lady has most all of the qualities I seek in a future wife... Aside of being a beautiful lady from the PI, She has a dog currently and will not be freaked out by my Dobermans and she also participated in the CAT's program when she was in school so she will not be freaked out to see any of my firearms laying about the place...

She has spoke to her parents about me and she told me her mother was telling her about a possible Tourist VISA for them (the parents) in the future.

I had to spend a bit of time explaining things to her. I tried very patiently and carefully to explain how that would take a lot of time, effort and money.

I also explained to her that should WE decide to marry and be together someday that it would be a long process and cost a pile of money as well...

I try to always be very honest with Sarie. I have explained to her MANY times that I am NOT rich in any way shape or form... She NEVER asks for any money of me and I think she is a very honest and sincere person. Because of her job there, most all of her personal needs are met and she gets a paycheck on top of that. She does not really 'need' anything from me...

Questions here are:

Does the topic of family VISA's and parents visiting come up often between other Fi-West couples?

Any advice on how to best explain the time and cost's involved so that she can best understand?

I can understand how ANY lady that would be considering moving to a foreign land would be concerned about staying in touch with (and visiting) her family occasionally.

I bet if she had to sit down with my check and pay my bills she would understand right away.

Would be nice if any of you Fi-West couples had similar discussions you could share advice here about...

Edited July 5, 2009 by DobermanGuy

[rebeccajo 14]

My understanding of things is that Philippina women are often very close with their families. If you marry her, you marry them also.

I sense you are trying to discern whether or not there are any 'red flags' in her questions - ie that the entire family is looking for a path to the US.

Others who are more familiar with the ways of this culture can help you more with that one.

For the record also.........what you earn in the US may seem like a small sum to you but to persons from some cultures it may look like a fortune.

Edited July 5, 2009 by rebeccajo

[SnME 3]

My understanding of things is that Philippina women are often very close with their families. If you marry her, you marry them also.

I sense you are trying to discern whether or not there are any 'red flags' in her questions - ie that the entire family is looking for a path to the US.

Others who are more familiar with the ways of this culture can help you more with that one.

For the record also.........what you earn in the US may seem like a small sum to you but to persons from some cultures it may look like a fortune.

EVERYTHING you just said was exactly correct...

I was curious about the posible red flags and also about how does one best explain the 'difference' in earnings...

Nice to hear your thoughts Rebecca!

Edited July 5, 2009 by DobermanGuy

[reeses16 8]

To explain the difference in earnings, I recommend showing her your budget.

If you don't already have one make one. It may also be a helpful exercise to make 2 versions: (1) with you by yourself as a single man, then (2) a good guess of how it would change if you were married. Also list the immigration costs (medical, visa, plane ticket, AOS, ROC, Citizenship). Make it clear, and simple. E-mail her a copy and then you can talk to her on the phone line by line about it.

Edited July 5, 2009 by reeses16

[sunandmoon 450]

in my situation, my wife had an aunt living in the USA, so she already realized that here, money does not grow on trees.

as far as differences in earnings, you can also explain the differences in cost of living. using this only as an example, with $1000 USD , approx 50,000 pisos, one could be living pretty well off in the Philippines. Here, your lucky if that will just pay the rent. asking for money early in the relationship could be a red flag, but as you mentioned, she has never asked you for money.

my wife just wanted to be together, whether in the Philippines, or here in the USA.

as your relationship grows, you'll get the sense if her desire is to be together with you, wherever that may be on this Earth.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Sooo, I have this wonderful lady friend living in the Philippines. I have been talking to her a lot lately and getting to know her much better. I really think she is a very sincere and honest person and plan to visit her and spend some time with her and her family very soon in Cebu. This lady has most all of the qualities I seek in a future wife... Aside of being a beautiful lady from the PI, She has a dog currently and will not be freaked out by my Dobermans and she also participated in the CAT's program when she was in school so she will not be freaked out to see any of my firearms laying about the place...

She has spoke to her parents about me and she told me her mother was telling her about a possible Tourist VISA for them (the parents) in the future.

I had to spend a bit of time explaining things to her. I tried very patiently and carefully to explain how that would take a lot of time, effort and money.

I also explained to her that should WE decide to marry and be together someday that it would be a long process and cost a pile of money as well...

I try to always be very honest with Sarie. I have explained to her MANY times that I am NOT rich in any way shape or form... She NEVER asks for any money of me and I think she is a very honest and sincere person. Because of her job there, most all of her personal needs are met and she gets a paycheck on top of that. She does not really 'need' anything from me...

Questions here are:

Does the topic of family VISA's and parents visiting come up often between other Fi-West couples?

Any advice on how to best explain the time and cost's involved so that she can best understand?

I can understand how ANY lady that would be considering moving to a foreign land would be concerned about staying in touch with (and visiting) her family occasionally.

I bet if she had to sit down with my check and pay my bills she would understand right away.

Would be nice if any of you Fi-West couples had similar discussions you could share advice here about...

There is always the possibility for three years and dump. After three years and she gets her USC, she has the same rights as any other US citizen to bring relatives into the US without waiting for a visa number to become available. Blood is always thicker than water, so that is something to think about. If she already has relatives in the county, that would be a way to help make sure you don't end up supporting all her relatives on your own. Chances are she will be willing to work to provide help back home. Love is never easy, and your plans are not always her plans. Life has it's surpises, and marriage, especially marriage to a foreigner, is no exception.

All that said, good luck. Fortune never favors the timid, or the unprepared.

[SnME 3]

There is always the possibility for three years and dump. After three years and she gets her USC, she has the same rights as any other US citizen to bring relatives into the US without waiting for a visa number to become available. Blood is always thicker than water, so that is something to think about. If she already has relatives in the county, that would be a way to help make sure you don't end up supporting all her relatives on your own. Chances are she will be willing to work to provide help back home. Love is never easy, and your plans are not always her plans. Life has it's surpises, and marriage, especially marriage to a foreigner, is no exception.

All that said, good luck. Fortune never favors the timid, or the unprepared.

Thanks for the honest advice here Bill.

I appreciate ALL of you VJ'ers helping me out and being honest with me.

I believe I understand about the 3 years and USC thing. I have been reading a LOT... She currently has no family or relatives here that I am aware of. I am fairly certain she would have mentioned that by now if she did. She does come from a poor family but I very much believe that she is an honest person.

She seems to have no desperate 'need' or desire to get out of the PI to support herself or her family right now. I did a google earth for a really good satellite view of where she works, I have also seen a bunch of pictures of her at work... She is NOT suffering a bit there. (unless you would consider it suffering to not have a balcony overlooking the golfcourse in Mandaluyong! She lives/works on the opposite side of the condominium for that! ) She makes a good wage (considering she lives and works in the PI) and her current employer provides her with all of her necessities such as room and boarding, food, etc. She is able to use most all of the money she does make to help her family and she does... From what she tells me, she is saving most all of her money to help them buy a better house there and also helping her sister with tuition. This lady does seem to have some great values going for her!

Part of the reason I have so much faith in this woman and belief in her sincerity is because of her lack of 'need' to get out so that she can help them. I fully understand how desperate people can and WILL do desperate things to get what they 'need' and this lady is not desperate in my opinion... She could very easily stay right where she is at and be able to provide for both herself and her family.

I would not easily ask any wife of mine to work outside of our home unless it was her choice. I do well enough to support a wife and family myself and I would rather just cut back and 'manage' while the wife got to do as she pleased... It would not be a problem to give her a small allowance to help her with her family obligations either... I would however, have a major problem if all of the sudden an entire extended family wanted to 'move in'... That would be a deal breaker for me...

Aside of that, A well bred and properly trained Doberman would simply not allow strangers in the house. We used to have to lock them up in the back room when the X wifes family would visit... I paid 'extra' for that breeding there!

[chinese_mutt 11]

There is always the possibility for three years and dump. After three years and she gets her USC, she has the same rights as any other US citizen to bring relatives into the US without waiting for a visa number to become available. Blood is always thicker than water, so that is something to think about. If she already has relatives in the county, that would be a way to help make sure you don't end up supporting all her relatives on your own. Chances are she will be willing to work to provide help back home. Love is never easy, and your plans are not always her plans. Life has it's surpises, and marriage, especially marriage to a foreigner, is no exception.

All that said, good luck. Fortune never favors the timid, or the unprepared.

Thanks for the honest advice here Bill.

I appreciate ALL of you VJ'ers helping me out and being honest with me.

I believe I understand about the 3 years and USC thing. I have been reading a LOT... She currently has no family or relatives here that I am aware of. I am fairly certain she would have mentioned that by now if she did. She does come from a poor family but I very much believe that she is an honest person.

She seems to have no desperate 'need' or desire to get out of the PI to support herself or her family right now. I did a google earth for a really good satellite view of where she works, I have also seen a bunch of pictures of her at work... She is NOT suffering a bit there. (unless you would consider it suffering to not have a balcony overlooking the golfcourse in Mandaluyong! She lives/works on the opposite side of the condominium for that! ) She makes a good wage (considering she lives and works in the PI) and her current employer provides her with all of her necessities such as room and boarding, food, etc. She is able to use most all of the money she does make to help her family and she does... From what she tells me, she is saving most all of her money to help them buy a better house there and also helping her sister with tuition. This lady does seem to have some great values going for her!

Part of the reason I have so much faith in this woman and belief in her sincerity is because of her lack of 'need' to get out so that she can help them. I fully understand how desperate people can and WILL do desperate things to get what they 'need' and this lady is not desperate in my opinion... She could very easily stay right where she is at and be able to provide for both herself and her family.

I would not easily ask any wife of mine to work outside of our home unless it was her choice. I do well enough to support a wife and family myself and I would rather just cut back and 'manage' while the wife got to do as she pleased... It would not be a problem to give her a small allowance to help her with her family obligations either... I would however, have a major problem if all of the sudden an entire extended family wanted to 'move in'... That would be a deal breaker for me...

Aside of that, A well bred and properly trained Doberman would simply not allow strangers in the house. We used to have to lock them up in the back room when the X wifes family would visit... I paid 'extra' for that breeding there!

Hello!!!

Questions... have you met her? If not, my biggest suggestion will be to come as a "friend" and see how you really feel about her. First off, and I'm not saying she's liar blah blah, and I DON'T want to offend you or her... but there are many ways to skin a cat... she could've given you somebody else's address for a start. She could assume any kind of role, job included, and just tell you these great things about her so you won't see any red flags. Meeting her in person would be a great way to determine if what she says is true. You will be able to assess their family's financial position and if you can really support them. I tell you now, you may need to send US100-US200 monthly to her family once she gets there and you are both married. I've read somewhere here that some would send even upto USD500 a month. Take that into consideration before deciding to pursue a long term relationship.

Second, about the visitor's visa. Almost every Filipinos dream is to set foot in America. Even my parents wanted to get a tourist visa to see where I'm going to live with my husband. I think it both stems from their eagerness to see me married and in good hands or they just want to see US... the latter does not necessarily mean anything bad so long as the parents are willing to spend money on the trip and not depend the entire amount on you.

Third, about the money issues, I would sincerely suggest that you be open and honest to her about it. If you trust her, then give her a general idea about your income and your expenses and how much you put into savings monthly. Then tell her that if you both decide that you love each other and want to get married, your income would probably be such and such, your expense will slightly go up, and on top of that you will have to pay a lot for the immigration papers. Make sure she is clear about this and she does not expect you to feed her entire clan. Likewise, tell her that you can only help her family up to XXX amount until such time that she can work... then you also have to talk about her salary and how the two of you will dispose it for your expenses in US, sending money home, etc.

Finally, if she is paying for schooling of siblings or nephews and nieces, then expect that if she moves to the US that she will have to continue to do this and the family would most likely have more reason to ask for money from you. (ie graduation, outings, school projects). Expect also to shoulder part of the expense of buying the house.

Well, relationships are hard... if she loves you and if she is a mature woman capable of handling adult conversations about money and the future... then you are lucky, you found a good gem.

[SnME 3]

Hello!!!

Questions... have you met her? If not, my biggest suggestion will be to come as a "friend" and see how you really feel about her. First off, and I'm not saying she's liar blah blah, and I DON'T want to offend you or her... but there are many ways to skin a cat... she could've given you somebody else's address for a start. She could assume any kind of role, job included, and just tell you these great things about her so you won't see any red flags. Meeting her in person would be a great way to determine if what she says is true. You will be able to assess their family's financial position and if you can really support them. I tell you now, you may need to send US100-US200 monthly to her family once she gets there and you are both married. I've read somewhere here that some would send even upto USD500 a month. Take that into consideration before deciding to pursue a long term relationship.

Second, about the visitor's visa. Almost every Filipinos dream is to set foot in America. Even my parents wanted to get a tourist visa to see where I'm going to live with my husband. I think it both stems from their eagerness to see me married and in good hands or they just want to see US... the latter does not necessarily mean anything bad so long as the parents are willing to spend money on the trip and not depend the entire amount on you.

Third, about the money issues, I would sincerely suggest that you be open and honest to her about it. If you trust her, then give her a general idea about your income and your expenses and how much you put into savings monthly. Then tell her that if you both decide that you love each other and want to get married, your income would probably be such and such, your expense will slightly go up, and on top of that you will have to pay a lot for the immigration papers. Make sure she is clear about this and she does not expect you to feed her entire clan. Likewise, tell her that you can only help her family up to XXX amount until such time that she can work... then you also have to talk about her salary and how the two of you will dispose it for your expenses in US, sending money home, etc.

Finally, if she is paying for schooling of siblings or nephews and nieces, then expect that if she moves to the US that she will have to continue to do this and the family would most likely have more reason to ask for money from you. (ie graduation, outings, school projects). Expect also to shoulder part of the expense of buying the house.

Well, relationships are hard... if she loves you and if she is a mature woman capable of handling adult conversations about money and the future... then you are lucky, you found a good gem.

THAT was some good advice!!! Thanks Tngirl!

[chinese_mutt 11]

Hello!!!

Questions... have you met her? If not, my biggest suggestion will be to come as a "friend" and see how you really feel about her. First off, and I'm not saying she's liar blah blah, and I DON'T want to offend you or her... but there are many ways to skin a cat... she could've given you somebody else's address for a start. She could assume any kind of role, job included, and just tell you these great things about her so you won't see any red flags. Meeting her in person would be a great way to determine if what she says is true. You will be able to assess their family's financial position and if you can really support them. I tell you now, you may need to send US100-US200 monthly to her family once she gets there and you are both married. I've read somewhere here that some would send even upto USD500 a month. Take that into consideration before deciding to pursue a long term relationship.

Second, about the visitor's visa. Almost every Filipinos dream is to set foot in America. Even my parents wanted to get a tourist visa to see where I'm going to live with my husband. I think it both stems from their eagerness to see me married and in good hands or they just want to see US... the latter does not necessarily mean anything bad so long as the parents are willing to spend money on the trip and not depend the entire amount on you.

Third, about the money issues, I would sincerely suggest that you be open and honest to her about it. If you trust her, then give her a general idea about your income and your expenses and how much you put into savings monthly. Then tell her that if you both decide that you love each other and want to get married, your income would probably be such and such, your expense will slightly go up, and on top of that you will have to pay a lot for the immigration papers. Make sure she is clear about this and she does not expect you to feed her entire clan. Likewise, tell her that you can only help her family up to XXX amount until such time that she can work... then you also have to talk about her salary and how the two of you will dispose it for your expenses in US, sending money home, etc.

Finally, if she is paying for schooling of siblings or nephews and nieces, then expect that if she moves to the US that she will have to continue to do this and the family would most likely have more reason to ask for money from you. (ie graduation, outings, school projects). Expect also to shoulder part of the expense of buying the house.

Well, relationships are hard... if she loves you and if she is a mature woman capable of handling adult conversations about money and the future... then you are lucky, you found a good gem.

THAT was some good advice!!! Thanks Tngirl!

You're welcome!! I hope things work out for you two.

Just remember, the more open and honest you are to each other the easier her transition will be when she gets to the US.

Plus, a couple must have the same goal in life, if she's unwilling to bend a bit backwards now... I'd say postpone filling the I-129F until you've both figure out your goals. It will take lots of work and you'd have several misunderstandings... but the beauty of long distance relationship is that both parties are forced (or have litle option but) to talk to each other because there is little actual physical contact.

Cheers to you and your budding romance with a Filipina!

[griffin 7]

When she mentioned that she has a good job back home and that she is supporting her family tuition fees and saving to buy a better house was very sincere but when the time come if she will be here in the states and already married to you and working just do not be upset that she will send money to her family ....and with regards to parents coming here in the states to visit, why not? if they have good ties and finances to back up the application then there will be no problem...otherwise the best and if fail for a tourist visa application it will alwasy end up sponsoring both parents as immigrants.

p.s. CAT TRAINING is just a fake half wooden gun/metal and once in a bluemoon real for tactical test purposes. but dont worry about guns, they have lots of guns thanks GOd some of them are made legally nowadays.

My point is just do not be mad if she sends money back home.

Edited July 6, 2009 by griffin

[Rocky_nBullwinkle 6]

If it's not too much to ask, tell her to bring you to her work place so you can meet her boss and her colleagues. Just my two cents worth.

[o0pink0o 3]

p.s. CAT TRAINING is just a fake half wooden gun/metal and once in a bluemoon real for tactical test purposes.

[Allan_D 0]

Good advice so far but I hope you really don't have "firearms laying about the place". I'm a gun owner too and always keep them locked up. Too many criminals can easily steal guns they find laying around.

[Dakine 26]

Meet her in person and see if the "shoe fits" before you make a lot a plans.

Also many GC scammers know the "rules" on how to be successfull. They don't ask for money.

Edited July 6, 2009 by Haole