Advice please;

[valentine 0]

I want to thank all of you guys who has contributed one way or the other to counsel me in my dilema in my previous post.

I am not a woman. Some of you do not understand the situation.

My situation is this,My USC fiance is a black American, we are not presently living together because of our faith and believe,I live with a friend for now, till after wedding which we have set on 22 july.

We have never had sex before and never married.I just came in on the 9th june 2006.

We had little misunderstanding on the 3 of july and she took it so serious,just because I called her to come and see me where i was staying, becausee I was so lonely and always staying indoors and I needed her around, when she is free from her work.

She started to recount all my weakness and rushed in to my room and collected her documents she gave me to apply for my k1 visa, and told me that IT IS FINISHED, I ask her what the matter was she was saying all manner of stuffs. Still I search my conscience,I can't not recall anything that I did that could provoke her to that extend.I was pleading with her to take it easy with me,let's resolve the matter.

To make the story short,each time I call her,she rarely pick my call neither return my calls.Both of us worship together.

Well, I need you guys not to jugde me,but to pray for us and ask God to tourch her heart

and cause her to have a re-think and accept me as I am,I am still learning her way of live and culture.

Please I need your prayers this time.

I will appreciate your prayers and valuable advice especailly from Black American women , who got married to African men.Please suggest to me how to resolve this issue with my fiance for I love her with all my heart and I want to marry .

Thanx for your advice in advance.

For my naiga bros I am not a fraud .I believe God for miracle through your prayers.

Thank you all.

[Taye500 0]

I want to thank all of you guys who has contributed one way or the other to counsel me in my dilema in my previous post.

I am not a woman. Some of you do not understand the situation.

My situation is this,My USC fiance is a black American, we are not presently living together because of our faith and believe,I live with a friend for now, till after wedding which we have set on 22 july.

We have never had sex before and never married.I just came in on the 9th june 2006.

We had little misunderstanding on the 3 of july and she took it so serious,just because I called her to come and see me where i was staying, becausee I was so lonely and always staying indoors and I needed her around, when she is free from her work.

She started to recount all my weakness and rushed in to my room and collected her documents she gave me to apply for my k1 visa, and told me that IT IS FINISHED, I ask her what the matter was she was saying all manner of stuffs. Still I search my conscience,I can't not recall anything that I did that could provoke her to that extend.I was pleading with her to take it easy with me,let's resolve the matter.

To make the story short,each time I call her,she rarely pick my call neither return my calls.Both of us worship together.

Well, I need you guys not to jugde me,but to pray for us and ask God to tourch her heart

and cause her to have a re-think and accept me as I am,I am still learning her way of live and culture.

Please I need your prayers this time.

I will appreciate your prayers and valuable advice especailly from Black American women , who got married to African men.Please suggest to me how to resolve this issue with my fiance for I love her with all my heart and I want to marry .

Thanx for your advice in advance.

For my naiga bros I am not a fraud .I believe God for miracle through your prayers.

Thank you all.

It is good that you explained yourself, valentine. You left us guessing, but now that i know we can give you more advise. Like i said before, patience and humility always wins. wait till your fiance cools off and see if you can talk to her. sit her down and open your heart to her. Let her know how you feel about her and that you care for her. Talk to her eye to eye while remaining humble and gentle even if she is acting up. Be a man and man-up to your situation, stay true to her and yourself and you will be a winner in all.

[sweetee 0]

valentine,

thanx for enlightening us on the whole situation. I can't really understand why you would come to america on a k1 visa and still not live in the same household as your fiance(regardless of your beliefs). Can't you at least live with her and maybe not sleep in the same bedroom? I know temptation is a "mother", but all you have to do is pray for the strength to continue the abstinence until you 2 are married.

I can't really say that any woman would allow you 2 live with someone else (friends) after she has already did all she could to get you here, knowing that the reason for you here is to marry and live with her. I maybe wrong when I say this...but I would not want to go thru with the visa process either. Did your fiance and you both decide on that arrangement or was it just a one-sided thing? I have to tell you brother...that is kinda strange.

I am a black american and my husband is from Naija. Im 40 yrs old and my husband is 34. When he got here (2004) we had a whole lot of adjusting to do. Some people back home in Naija as well as here didn't think we would make it this far, But we have. Trust me it was not easy at all. But we did talk and try to resolve things. Marriage is already hard work and it is even harder when the 2 people are from totally different countries and cultures. However, communication is the key !

Next month it will be 2 years we have been married and we are still facing arguments at times. I have to deal with baby mama drama (he has a 9yr old daughter) and also an ex-girlfriend home in Naija that just can't seem to let go. Sistah girl is CRAZY!!!! But anyway, we still 2gether.

Things were not always easy for us. But we made the best of a bad situation. Iyke and I are totally opposites. We are in counseling (with a Naija Catholic priest) because we felt that I needed anger management and I honestly do believe it. I know you can see thru some posts I have made here that Im the more aggressive and quick-tempered one and my husband has such a calming and peaceful spirit. I can remember times when I threw his clothes out on the lawn and told him to get the steppin and all he did was brought them back in and allowed me to calm down and then tried talking to me. I don't throw his clothes out anymore, cos he will throw mine out and says its his home also and he ain't going nowhere. He tells me if anyone is going to leave, maybe I should leave since Im the one bringing it up. We now look back at all that and just laugh. This man is my best friend and sometimes we still get on each other nerves but we don't let that divide and conquer our love for one another. I love Iyke with every fiber of my being and I know he feels the same way. I honestly do believe that he was designed just for me. I wouldn't trade him for anything. He is so good to me and my kids and we have really came a long way.

One thing I must tell you is that prayers work. Right now I feel that we are so blessed in our marriage and I attribute that mainly to the fact that we acknowledge and put God first. He is Catholic and Im Baptist, but we take time to visit each other's church. We also pray together and we don't allow ourselves to get so mad at each other to the point where we talking divorce. Its not in our vocabulary(not at the moment anyway. )LOL!!! I dont' think I would ever get so mad to that point.

I have to say this also, NO WAY IN HELL, would I allow my husband to live with friends once he got here(especially if Im the petitioner), regardless of our beliefs. And I don't think he would have done it anyway. Right then and there, it would raise a flag to me. I think you need to sit your fiance down and discuss your problems. Maybe the real problem here is she really wants you there with her and not living with your friends. To be honest with you, I see that as a problem and it would lead me and (possibly) others to think that you are really not here to be with her. There is always 2 sides to every story! Maybe you guys should push your wedding date up if that would help so that you can go home to your woman and work things out from there and not have other people in your business.

And just to add....SHE COULD ALSO NEED & WANT SOME GOOD OLD-FASHION LOVING!!!

[Bashorun 1]

Well, after reading all that U have said one can only hear her part to confirm who actually is wrong here but I hope the two of U are not into something U will regret later cos I know if U don't end the differences between U two, U will return to Nigeria and she will regret it if she had been to hash on U with something that can easily be resolvable between U two.

Man my advice to U is to be a man and approach her, go where she is living and talk to her, explain urself and why do U want to explain urself to her on the phone. Don't U know where she lives?? If ur conscience is right that U didn't mean any harm on her and she is the one being too hash on resolvable matter then pls let her go becos she won't be the best for U.

The best way to approach this like Taye advised U is to bring down ur head and do what is right and U will both be as happy as before. I am a naija guy as well and believe me this is the best advise I can give about this. U can PM me if U like.

[Bashorun 1]

After reading sweete's input, it is like we are now finally doing the right thing to tell the newbiz that getting married to someone from another culture or world does't take away the real everyday stuffs that affects ones marriages. By telling the newbiz what it is like to be living as a married couple really help them to prepare for a real marriage and stop having fantasy of a marriage without misunderstandings that will lead them into early broken marriage.

Marriage take the same commitment even if U married a man or a woman from another planet. So instead of looking for a room to get out of the marriage why not think about what is to be done to improve ur marriage and also have in mind that U knew from the go that ur sig other is from another culture and U intend to learn his or her culture as well as it goes the other way round.

My wife;s family has been a great gift to our marriage becos they're always there for us.

I also don't buy the idea of U living with ur friend while ur fiance lives somewhere else. whos idea is this anyway, becos it is just not right and which I can find a very difficult thing for a black american woman to do. If U're both as religious like U say then why don't U guys go down to the city hall right immediately U got here and get married then U can plan a bigger wedding for later. How can U both live without being intimate with each other after going thru such a difficult process with the visa???? What is the essense then? Be true to each other and being religious doesn't stop U from doing the right thing at the right time.

[onwa 6]

I'm not black American--but when my fiance got here--we didn't stay in the same place--well at least we tried HE stayed with our roommate and I for about a week before our apartment was ready and then I moved in aftwe we were married. BUt in truth--I think I stayed there the last month before we were married. So yeah, some couples don't stay together--but its hard. I would get calls at 4 in the morning to come over (it was a 5 min. drive) and I always would.

I would talk to one of the pastors at the place you worship. In our marraige, talking to the pastors and the small group leaders has gotten us through some of our rough patches. And show the girl lots of love and affection. that's my 2 cents. As everyone else has said, the beginning is rough but if you both work on it, it does get better.

[Jideprincess 0]

If U're both as religious like U say then why don't U guys go down to the city hall right immediately U got here and get married then U can plan a bigger wedding for later. How can U both live without being intimate with each other after going thru such a difficult process with the visa???? What is the essense then? Be true to each other and being religious doesn't stop U from doing the right thing at the right time.

KUDOS Lekan...Im like ummmm..Justice of the peace here I come. Togetherness to me after all that is the key...Talk it out and then my brother..Marry if thats what God leading you to do. Separation with friends and she somewhere else ummm...nah..thats not good. Do the right thing is all I can say and take your time overall in realizing the commitment that comes with it. As everyone has said marriage is a give and take and many times you giving alot but many just want to take OK im off the soapbox! I pray all works out!

[joej 0]

Sorry Valentine that things are hard for now. I can't imagine how difficult it is to move to a new country and learn a new culture all the while trying to get to know your fiance. I'm not black, but as a female USC spouse I can say the adjustment is difficult for us as well.

In general, and in recent years, American women are becomming more independant and less inferior to their men then they have been in the past. American culture often rewards independance, especially for women. Single parent families is no longer unusual, yet becomming a healthy norm. Sometimes it is difficult to find a common ground between both cultures.

In order to understand your wife you may need to research, ponder and eventually embrace the things that have made her who she is. It is unlikely to successfully force someone to change, as I'm sure you are aware, so often the best alternative is to change yourself. I'm not talking about anything drastic, yet it can be so subtle that she wont even know why she is agreeing with you. Also don't loose sight of the reason you fell in love with her in the first place. Read back through some of those emails and remember why you are here. I also wonder if the wedding date may be too soon? I think you should have untill September to marry right? In this case it may be wise to take it slow and find out if it will work or not.

[Neya 0]

Well after reading your further explanation I can see how I would react in this situation. Keep in mind this is only My point of view.

She has spent time money and heartache to bring you here. So after some discussion you all decide to wait for your wedding date to have sex. That's all good but sex isn't the only thing that will make a marriage last.

You are chillin in the cut in the US with your friends. You don't have a job and are dependant on someone else for your basic needs(her?). Then WHY the dog she got to come to you? You have no schedule, no clock to punch no commitments to make.

Man YOU should be catering to HER needs until such time you are able to step up to the plate and contribute to the family

Is her dinner ready sometimes.. is her car clean with a fresh oil change.. What about household tasks. Can you throw down a load of laundry once in a while? Does the lawn have a cut?

Now I understand this is not the way of life for a lot of men from your country, BUT if that is what you wanted then you could have found a nice girl over there to cater to you.

My brother you vacation is OVER step up to the plate and make this work. Yeah some of your friend may laugh cause you doing "woman's" work but what have they done for you. They certainly didn't stress to no end to bring you here. And they aren't the one you gonna be sleeping next to in January when you turn into a fudgesicle.

Now STOP WHINNING and step up and treat your woman like the Queen that she is and she will surely treat you like the King she fell in love with.

Just my own point of view.

[mollyandstephen 0]

I think everyone's advice is good and should be considered. It definitely takes two to make a marriage work and it is HARD work sometimes.

Valentine, as I read your explanation of your situation, I had to really wonder what your fiance's family and friends think about your relationship. Are they supportive? Are they getting to know you since you've been in the U.S.? Her family and friends may have nothin' at all to do with what is going on---I don't know. But if it was like you said and she just blew up in your face and you can't think of anything you did to upset her, I'm wondering if she is catching heck from family or friends about your relationship. Maybe she's feeling stuck in the middle and confused. It is totally normal for people to have last minute doubts about getting married right before the wedding and then if her family isn't supportive, it can really be rough on the woman. I know that many of us here experienced the hassling of family members and friends that were telling us that we were being ridiculous in marrying someone from another country that we met online, etc, etc, etc. Ya'll know what I'm talking about. And as much as we hate it, Nigerians don't have a good reputation for being honest and up-front. Maybe your fiance' is getting slammed with some of that talk too. I dont' know if this is even the case....just a thought. I do agree with the others that you need to sit down with your fiance and have an honest, heart-to-heart talk about your relationship and your wedding plans. My advice is to just apologize for upsetting her (even IF you don't know what you did wrong) and tell her how much you love her and need her. And you gotta romance her like she wants to be romanced---don't call her to talk about this stuff on the phone. GO TO HER HOUSE AND TAKE HER ROSES!!!!!

I won't weigh in on the living apart debate because I think it could work out both ways. HOWEVER, make sure that you are spending plenty of time together if you are going to live apart until you get married. You definitely need lots of time together to get to know each other and figure out if marriage is really right for you. I think that spending every possible minute together is SO important at this point.

The last thing I'm gonna say is this: There has been a lot of talk lately about how hard marriage is and how much work is involved in making it work. That's all true and I'm not discounting anything that has been said about how hard marriage can be, especially at the beginning when the two people are getting to know each other so intimately. HOWEVER, marriage is GREAT!!!! It's the hardest relationship you'll ever have because it is also the one that can bring you the most happiness and joy. Every marriage has its struggles and difficult times but it should also have happy and loving times. It is incredible to me to come home after a long, hard day in this grueling world and see my husband's smiling face and have him kiss me. When that happens, my whole world becomes right again. He has this amazing ability to turn the worst day around and remind me about what's most important in life. And that, my friends, is what marriage is really about.

Molly

[Optimystic 0]

After reading sweete's input, it is like we are now finally doing the right thing to tell the newbiz that getting married to someone from another culture or world does't take away the real everyday stuffs that affects ones marriages. By telling the newbiz what it is like to be living as a married couple really help them to prepare for a real marriage and stop having fantasy of a marriage without misunderstandings that will lead them into early broken marriage.

Marriage take the same commitment even if U married a man or a woman from another planet. So instead of looking for a room to get out of the marriage why not think about what is to be done to improve ur marriage and also have in mind that U knew from the go that ur sig other is from another culture and U intend to learn his or her culture as well as it goes the other way round.

My wife;s family has been a great gift to our marriage becos they're always there for us.

I also don't buy the idea of U living with ur friend while ur fiance lives somewhere else. whos idea is this anyway, becos it is just not right and which I can find a very difficult thing for a black american woman to do. If U're both as religious like U say then why don't U guys go down to the city hall right immediately U got here and get married then U can plan a bigger wedding for later. How can U both live without being intimate with each other after going thru such a difficult process with the visa???? What is the essense then? Be true to each other and being religious doesn't stop U from doing the right thing at the right time.

Well after reading your further explanation I can see how I would react in this situation. Keep in mind this is only My point of view.

She has spent time money and heartache to bring you here. So after some discussion you all decide to wait for your wedding date to have sex. That's all good but sex isn't the only thing that will make a marriage last.

You are chillin in the cut in the US with your friends. You don't have a job and are dependant on someone else for your basic needs(her?). Then WHY the dog she got to come to you? You have no schedule, no clock to punch no commitments to make.

Man YOU should be catering to HER needs until such time you are able to step up to the plate and contribute to the family

Is her dinner ready sometimes.. is her car clean with a fresh oil change.. What about household tasks. Can you throw down a load of laundry once in a while? Does the lawn have a cut?

Now I understand this is not the way of life for a lot of men from your country, BUT if that is what you wanted then you could have found a nice girl over there to cater to you.

My brother you vacation is OVER step up to the plate and make this work. Yeah some of your friend may laugh cause you doing "woman's" work but what have they done for you. They certainly didn't stress to no end to bring you here. And they aren't the one you gonna be sleeping next to in January when you turn into a fudgesicle.

Now STOP WHINNING and step up and treat your woman like the Queen that she is and she will surely treat you like the King she fell in love with.

Just my own point of view.

High five!!! Amen to that, on all points.............Now, thats what I call real advice.

[Jideprincess 0]

High five!!! Amen to that, on all points.............Now, thats what I call real advice.

since im too lazy to type more.lol..lol.Im with Optimystic..yall rolling with advice today

[sweetee 0]

I want to thank all of you guys who has contributed one way or the other to counsel me in my dilema in my previous post.

I am not a woman. Some of you do not understand the situation.

My situation is this,My USC fiance is a black American, we are not presently living together because of our faith and believe,I live with a friend for now, till after wedding which we have set on 22 july.

We have never had sex before and never married.I just came in on the 9th june 2006.

We had little misunderstanding on the 3 of july and she took it so serious,just because I called her to come and see me where i was staying, becausee I was so lonely and always staying indoors and I needed her around, when she is free from her work.

She started to recount all my weakness and rushed in to my room and collected her documents she gave me to apply for my k1 visa, and told me that IT IS FINISHED, I ask her what the matter was she was saying all manner of stuffs. Still I search my conscience,I can't not recall anything that I did that could provoke her to that extend.I was pleading with her to take it easy with me,let's resolve the matter.

To make the story short,each time I call her,she rarely pick my call neither return my calls.Both of us worship together.

Well, I need you guys not to jugde me,but to pray for us and ask God to tourch her heart

and cause her to have a re-think and accept me as I am,I am still learning her way of live and culture.

Please I need your prayers this time.

I will appreciate your prayers and valuable advice especailly from Black American women , who got married to African men.Please suggest to me how to resolve this issue with my fiance for I love her with all my heart and I want to marry .

Thanx for your advice in advance.

For my naiga bros I am not a fraud .I believe God for miracle through your prayers.

Thank you all.

Now Valentine, I don't know what to believe anymore. Word has it that you supposedly lied to your fiance about being a preacher. SHAME ON YOU!!! Now if you did in fact do that...well yeah, she needs to let your but get sent back home to Naija. Im for trying to keep the peace, but if you just blatantly lied like that, well you can't really be trusted, therefore sistergirl needs to call off everything. If you gonna lie like that, then its no telling what else you will lie about next. Boy, u got some "splaining" to do!!!!

Sweetee

[tiagrl 0]

Now Valentine, I don't know what to believe anymore. Word has it that you supposedly lied to your fiance about being a preacher. SHAME ON YOU!!! Now if you did in fact do that...well yeah, she needs to let your but get sent back home to Naija. Im for trying to keep the peace, but if you just blatantly lied like that, well you can't really be trusted, therefore sistergirl needs to call off everything. If you gonna lie like that, then its no telling what else you will lie about next. Boy, u got some "splaining" to do!!!!

Sweetee

Whoa!

[Optimystic 0]

Now Valentine, I don't know what to believe anymore. Word has it that you supposedly lied to your fiance about being a preacher. SHAME ON YOU!!! Now if you did in fact do that...well yeah, she needs to let your but get sent back home to Naija. Im for trying to keep the peace, but if you just blatantly lied like that, well you can't really be trusted, therefore sistergirl needs to call off everything. If you gonna lie like that, then its no telling what else you will lie about next. Boy, u got some "splaining" to do!!!!

Sweetee

Whoa!

**CORRECTION**

Pastor...

Whoa is right!!!!!