What to feel when your first love tells you he/she is going to be married...

[Emancipation 2]

I think the bottom line is you can't control emotions.. only what you do with them.. if someone feels a twang of disappointment or grief etc. big whoop.. it's not like you are going to leave your current husband to go re-ignite ( or ignite) flames with the ex.. It's not the emotion that should be judged here IMO..

[ashenflowers 5]

Well actually I haven't had a chance to see this thread until now, so don't generalize between what women feel, and what men feel. That has NOTHING to do with it, and IRRITATES me when people think that women have a certain opinion just because we're women. SERIOUSLY, let's bring it to the new millennium.... Also, opinion is NOT truth.

Back to topic... I think your opinions on how you'd feel about your first love getting married depends on the strength of your relationship at the time, on what terms your relationship ended, and whether you keep in touch now. For me, the man I consider my first love, is married and living in a different province. I won't tell how I found out, because that could start an entirely different thread as well... however, I did run into his mother at the grocery store many years after he and I dated, we chit-chatted, and she mentioned his then-fiance, and sounded unhappy with his choice.. He DEEPLY hurt me at the end of our relationship, so that made me puff our a little with a selfish twinge of ######-glee.

I can tell you how my most recent ex felt though when he found out I was even DATING my now-fiance (we don't really speak anymore unless we have to for some reason... he doesn't know I'm actually getting married)... he accused me of cheating on him (which I did NOT do...I didn't even meet my fiance until I had already broken up with my ex and made arrangements to move out)... thus ending the friendship that quite possibly could've happened after our break up. Oh well! Certainly not my loss, as I am now with the man that I am ridiculously excited and happy to be spending the rest of my life with

[ashenflowers 5]

Notice how some are trying to shift the actual topic from how do you feel when your first love tells you they are getting married to don't allow your ex to be your best friend. Let's get this topic back on course - it isn't about being best friends with an ex vs your husband so don't try to change the topic to something that it isn't. Start your own thread if you want to discuss that.

Sorry but I believe the topics are related (the OP stated she is still close with her ex). If my first love told me she was getting married I would be "that's great, I'm happy for you" but there would be zero mixed emotions. Again I don't know the OP's situation but in general there is definitely a possibility of "emotional" cheating (or worse) in these types of situations.

The bottom line is if your ex is getting married & that bothers you there IS a problem!

I think it's a bit out of line to accuse someone of emotional cheating simply because she is friends with her ex. Like you said, you DON'T know her situation, so please refrain from these accusations.

[Sprailenes 47]

Yea I think you're mixing up your emotions and how you would feel with Amanda's emotions and how she feels nowhereman. Everyone is different and every relationship is different. This person is just her first love, not her current love. They knew one another for a long time.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

nowhereman wrote: The bottom line is if your ex is getting married & that bothers you there IS a problem!

Now see, this is what I mean. She did not say or infer that she was bothered. It is you who is apparently bothered and adding in all of this extra stuff that wasn't in the original post. While this might be illuminating of your personal perspective, that is all it is - yours, no one elses. You have made your point, you don't need to keep trying to change everyone else's point of view so that it agrees with yours. We are clear on your position, now let's hear what others have to say.

Edited June 30, 2009 by Kathryn41

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

Since most people experience "first love" when they are relatively young, I think any strange feelings one might have when finding that their ex is getting married/having kids/whatever is the realization you are getting older, your youth is behind you and life has moved on, which can be a pretty weird thing regardless of how you feel about that person

As I learned from watching Mad Men, nostalgia literally means the pain from an old wound in Greek

[jundp 191]

My first love and I haven't spoken in years, though we did end things amicably. When I discovered (through mutual friends) that he'd ended up marrying the girl he was dating the last time we'd spoken, my reaction was twofold. First, I was thrilled for him, genuinely glad he was happy. And then, there was a little twinge of "well, clearly he and I will never be a couple again." Note that I was in a good relationship at the time and had no desire to leave said relationship, wouldn't have pursued him if there'd been a chance to do so, etc. It was just the IDEA that some fairy tale idealized romance from my youth would never take place...even though rationally I knew there was neither the possibility, nor the inclination...

I don't think it's weird at all, Amanda.

Perfectly normal, IMHO.

[Misty1979 0]

With all due respect if my wife was that close with her ex & took the news badly when her ex married one of us would be on the couch for a very long time. Ex's are ex's for a reason & if you haven't moved on that's an issue.

Uh, yeah thanks for the advice!

I didn't take the news badly at all and if you actually read what I wrote, then you would understand that I'm not upset at all. That wasn't the point of the thread. Unfortunately, that's why I stay in the Canadian form most of the time because they actually read what people write and offer rational advice.

But thank you so much for telling me that I have an issue. I'm glad that you know me and my life and my relationship with others, including my husband, in order to make a judgment like that.

Gosh..you should be...a therapist!

Oh snap!! Nicely put

Edited June 30, 2009 by Misty1979

[nowhereman 1]

Notice how some are trying to shift the actual topic from how do you feel when your first love tells you they are getting married to don't allow your ex to be your best friend. Let's get this topic back on course - it isn't about being best friends with an ex vs your husband so don't try to change the topic to something that it isn't. Start your own thread if you want to discuss that.

Sorry but I believe the topics are related (the OP stated she is still close with her ex). If my first love told me she was getting married I would be "that's great, I'm happy for you" but there would be zero mixed emotions. Again I don't know the OP's situation but in general there is definitely a possibility of "emotional" cheating (or worse) in these types of situations.

The bottom line is if your ex is getting married & that bothers you there IS a problem!

I think it's a bit out of line to accuse someone of emotional cheating simply because she is friends with her ex. Like you said, you DON'T know her situation, so please refrain from these accusations.

Settle down... I am generalizing about this type of situation... only the OP knows her true feelings in the matter.

[Ladylethal 12]

I have an ex-bf that I dated for 7 years, I have no idea if I'll feel anything when he gets married (if he hasn't yet, haven't seen him in a while).

[ashenflowers 5]

Notice how some are trying to shift the actual topic from how do you feel when your first love tells you they are getting married to don't allow your ex to be your best friend. Let's get this topic back on course - it isn't about being best friends with an ex vs your husband so don't try to change the topic to something that it isn't. Start your own thread if you want to discuss that.

Sorry but I believe the topics are related (the OP stated she is still close with her ex). If my first love told me she was getting married I would be "that's great, I'm happy for you" but there would be zero mixed emotions. Again I don't know the OP's situation but in general there is definitely a possibility of "emotional" cheating (or worse) in these types of situations.

The bottom line is if your ex is getting married & that bothers you there IS a problem!

I think it's a bit out of line to accuse someone of emotional cheating simply because she is friends with her ex. Like you said, you DON'T know her situation, so please refrain from these accusations.

Settle down... I am generalizing about this type of situation... only the OP knows her true feelings in the matter.

Don't patronize. It's insulting. I think you've said enough.

[nowhereman 1]

nowhereman wrote: The bottom line is if your ex is getting married & that bothers you there IS a problem!

Now see, this is what I mean. She did not say or infer that she was bothered. It is you who is apparently bothered and adding in all of this extra stuff that wasn't in the original post. While this might be illuminating of your personal perspective, that is all it is - yours, no one elses. You have made your point, you don't need to keep trying to change everyone else's point of view so that it agrees with yours. We are clear on your position, now let's hear what others have to say.

Last post & I will drop it... The OP's situation may or may not be harmless... I don't know her & I am not speculating on the circumstances. My point is that if the ex is hanging around in your life there's a decent chance that it can cause problems. Keyword: May. Other posters have gone in the other direction & feel that its a great thing for the ex to be hanging around... just not my cup of tea & let me add other posters felt the same way.

Nothing I said was meant as a personal attack & if it came off that way I apologize.

[Courtney08 0]

Alrighty, my first love still speaks to me on a semi-regular basis. His now serious GF (woman he intends to marry) does not like the idea of him speaking to me.

When he found out I was divorced we tried once ,before I met my husband and he was with his SO, to see if there was still something there but it was to strange we are like brother and sister more than anything.

We are like brother and sister because he was my brothers best friend and actually lived in my parents’ house from the time we were 11 &12 – 15&16,

My husband does not mind that we still speak. I still see him when I am on the east coast or when we have family things going on . This is only because his SO doesn’t like him to speak to me. She isnt secure with the fact that we were more than friends and he openly will say Love you on the phone (it just isnt what she thinks)

I really am glad neither of us feel anger or resentment that the other is happy. I mean he found his girl from MENA I found my guy from MENA.

We are both very happy, I only wish that hind sight was not 20 20. That i could have known then that it would never work between us so I could have had more fun in JR and SR high school. HEHE

[Emancipation 2]

Last post & I will drop it...

HALLELUJAH !

[Krikit 1,165]

Notice how all the women are saying keeping in touch with ex's is great... the men seem to have a different opinion.

I am wondering if this is a country/culture-specific thing? Both the males and females I know in Canada do not have a problem remaining friends with exes if the relationship was not a destructive one. However, my USC husband had a difficult time understanding the concept.

As I learned from watching Mad Men, nostalgia literally means the pain from an old wound in Greek

That's an interesting etymology of the word. Thank you.