What to feel when your first love tells you he/she is going to be married...

[nowhereman 1]

With all due respect if my wife was that close with her ex & took the news badly when her ex married one of us would be on the couch for a very long time. Ex's are ex's for a reason & if you haven't moved on that's an issue.

[Emancipation 2]

With all due respect if my wife was that close with her ex & took the news badly when her ex married one of us would be on the couch for a very long time. Ex's are ex's for a reason & if you haven't moved on that's an issue.

VJ Sheesh..

[thetreble 19]

With all due respect if my wife was that close with her ex & took the news badly when her ex married one of us would be on the couch for a very long time. Ex's are ex's for a reason & if you haven't moved on that's an issue.

Uh, yeah thanks for the advice!

I didn't take the news badly at all and if you actually read what I wrote, then you would understand that I'm not upset at all. That wasn't the point of the thread. Unfortunately, that's why I stay in the Canadian form most of the time because they actually read what people write and offer rational advice.

But thank you so much for telling me that I have an issue. I'm glad that you know me and my life and my relationship with others, including my husband, in order to make a judgment like that.

Gosh..you should be...a therapist!

Edited June 29, 2009 by thetreble

[*JG* 2]

With all due respect if my wife was that close with her ex & took the news badly when her ex married one of us would be on the couch for a very long time. Ex's are ex's for a reason & if you haven't moved on that's an issue.

A deep love and respect for someone even if you can't live with them....or ever be romantically involved.......is actually very healthy IMO.

[toronto nonie 0]

With all due respect if my wife was that close with her ex & took the news badly when her ex married one of us would be on the couch for a very long time. Ex's are ex's for a reason & if you haven't moved on that's an issue.

A deep love and respect for someone even if you can't live with them....or ever be romantically involved.......is actually very healthy IMO.

very well said Jomo's girl I have never experienced any of my close male friends having to tell me they are getting married because they are all still single; however i can tell you how my best male friend took it when i told him that not only was i getting married, but moving to the US; the two of us would do everything together - we worked together in the same office, would go over to each other's houses all the time, go out together whether it be a bar, or rollerblading or even a club. We are strictly platonic - i've known him for 13 years and never once have we even kissed - just never like that between us. But when i told him i was getting married, he was really sad (although really happy as he really likes my fiance) because he felt that maybe things might change between us...it's like you said...it feel like you are losing something and i totally understand what he was telling me...i would probably feel the same way if it was the other way around.

[thetreble 19]

A deep love and respect for someone even if you can't live with them....or ever be romantically involved.......is actually very healthy IMO.

Well said, Jomo.

[nowhereman 1]

With all due respect if my wife was that close with her ex & took the news badly when her ex married one of us would be on the couch for a very long time. Ex's are ex's for a reason & if you haven't moved on that's an issue.

Uh, yeah thanks for the advice!

I didn't take the news badly at all and if you actually read what I wrote, then you would understand that I'm not upset at all. That wasn't the point of the thread. Unfortunately, that's why I stay in the Canadian form most of the time because they actually read what people write and offer rational advice.

But thank you so much for telling me that I have an issue. I'm glad that you know me and my life and my relationship with others, including my husband, in order to make a judgment like that.

Gosh..you should be...a therapist!

OK I read your OP again & perhaps I came on too strong, but I am personally not a fan of ex's hanging around as a best friend. From what I have seen (both first hand and second hand) is that these types of situations can cause a lot of problems. An occasional email or Christmas card from the ex is fine, but if you are that close it could very well be an issue. I have fond memories from previous relationships & that's completely healthy, but the past is the past as far as I am concerned.

You may not agree with what I am saying & of course I don't have personal knowledge of your situation, but my point is that you may have some unresolved feelings for this guy (and vice versa).

[thetreble 19]

very well said Jomo's girl I have never experienced any of my close male friends having to tell me they are getting married because they are all still single; however i can tell you how my best male friend took it when i told him that not only was i getting married, but moving to the US; the two of us would do everything together - we worked together in the same office, would go over to each other's houses all the time, go out together whether it be a bar, or rollerblading or even a club. We are strictly platonic - i've known him for 13 years and never once have we even kissed - just never like that between us. But when i told him i was getting married, he was really sad (although really happy as he really likes my fiance) because he felt that maybe things might change between us...it's like you said...it feel like you are losing something and i totally understand what he was telling me...i would probably feel the same way if it was the other way around.

Yes! He is a good friend. He still makes me laugh and no one can replace him! Every one is so unique in this world, that is the beauty of it. No one is like him, just like no one is like my husband or any one on this board.

Like today, he thinks he broke his hand. So I texted him and told him how much of an idiot he was for breaking his hand AGAIN. And he told me not to yell at him because his girlfriend was already doing that!

It's just that kinda stuff, ya know? He's always saying to me that we are one & the same. We feel we are the same person and we always have done. Maybe that's why it didn't work out. Ive just never connected with another human being like I have with him. Just the way it is!

OK I read your OP again & perhaps I came on too strong, but I am personally not a fan of ex's hanging around as a best friend. From what I have seen (both first hand and second hand) is that these types of situations can cause a lot of problems. An occasional email or Christmas card from the ex is fine, but if you are that close it could very well be an issue. I have fond memories from previous relationships & that's completely healthy, but the past is the past as far as I am concerned.

You may not agree with what I am saying & of course I don't have personal knowledge of your situation, but my point is that you may have some unresolved feelings for this guy (and vice versa).

The feelings are platonic. I don't go to bed dreaming about him every night and wonder what I'm going to do! I think that's where you getting the wrong end of the stick.

He lives in another country. We are just friends. There is nothing romantic involved and there never will be. My husband is well aware of him and totally understands it. He has no problem with us talking about what pair of Nikes we will purchase next.

[Sprailenes 47]

One of my ex bf's was at my wedding, we danced the night away. There's a picture of me on my fb in my wedding dress getting a piggy back from him later on in the evening outside the hotel. My husband is the one who took the picture. It's called being SECURE in your relationship.

[nowhereman 1]

One of my ex bf's was at my wedding, we danced the night away. There's a picture of me on my fb in my wedding dress getting a piggy back from him later on in the evening outside the hotel. My husband is the one who took the picture. It's called being SECURE in your relationship.

I knew someone would say something like this & from what I've seen its a coin toss... 50% of the time the relationship with the ex is harmless & 50% of the time it isn't. I guess I'm the only guy on VJ that doesn't want to sit down & have lunch with the guy that used to do the naked pretzel with my wife

[Sprailenes 47]

Who's to say we ever even had sex. Just because it was a bf doesn't mean I went that far with him.

[bowflex 0]

One of my ex bf's was at my wedding, we danced the night away. There's a picture of me on my fb in my wedding dress getting a piggy back from him later on in the evening outside the hotel. My husband is the one who took the picture. It's called being SECURE in your relationship.

I knew someone would say something like this & from what I've seen its a coin toss... 50% of the time the relationship with the ex is harmless & 50% of the time it isn't. I guess I'm the only guy on VJ that doesn't want to sit down & have lunch with the guy that used to do the naked pretzel with my wife

The only question I have is with or without mustard?

[nowhereman 1]

Who's to say we ever even had sex. Just because it was a bf doesn't mean I went that far with him.

I was speaking in general terms.

The only question I have is with or without mustard?

[Ban Hammer 13,582]

One of my ex bf's was at my wedding, we danced the night away. There's a picture of me on my fb in my wedding dress getting a piggy back from him later on in the evening outside the hotel. My husband is the one who took the picture. It's called being SECURE in your relationship.

I knew someone would say something like this & from what I've seen its a coin toss... 50% of the time the relationship with the ex is harmless & 50% of the time it isn't. I guess I'm the only guy on VJ that doesn't want to sit down & have lunch with the guy that used to do the naked pretzel with my wife

understandable there. i'm pretty much in the same camp as you - ex's can cause problems. and i've made it a point to stay out of my ex's life as much as possible for that very reason. i don't need the drama.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I have an old boyfriend with whom we parted on good terms. When he married he invited me - along with other old girl friends - to the wedding. The thing is, we all came. We were all happy for him and had no problems being there with each other, with him or with his wife. His wife had no problems either. She knew that she was the one he chose and felt secure enough in her love for him and from him that she felt no threat because he had previous relationships. It was a big joke at the wedding that everyone came and was comfortable wishing him every happiness in his marriage. I think it says a lot about the person he is and the people with whom he chose to become involved. We are still good friends and keep in touch - even now after many, many years. I introduced my husband to them last summer when we were back 'home' for a visit and he enjoyed their company too. Friendships based on love don't need to be threatening - you have to have trust in yourself, in your partner and in your judgment. Just because a relationship didn't work out doesn't mean you need to cut that person from your life - you just reset the boundaries and behave with integrity.

Edited June 29, 2009 by Kathryn41