Need Some Advice...

[MikenKyhen 0]

wow! 500 = Php25000!!! almost that amount.

Do you know that's actually more than what the average family spends here every month?

I think you should set limitations and stick with it.

I mean, give your wife a monthly budget (food, clothing, household needs) plus money that she can send back. And she can budget the entire month... and everything that is left she can send to her parents. BUT Man, I tell yah... USD500 is way way way too much!!!

I'd hate to say that she is using you... but it sure looks that way. BUT of course, there's always two sides of the story... maybe as somebody here said they started a business or fixed the house or such projects. Ask her about it, talk about it like two adults. If not, tell her to go back to work, put 50% of her salary that goes to your joint account and the rest is upto her to use.

Good luck! Who said married life is easy?

Good advice Ivy.

[mrsartis 10]

hmmm, im not sure what to say or if you need us to say anything? or do you want our advise? or you were just venting?

i know, you know something is not right anymore..its going to come down to what to do to correct it..

Good luck, and GOdbless..

jomay

[mrsartis 10]

oops sorry, so you want our inputs..

When i was in the philippines, i work 2 jobs.. i was an accountant and a barista as my part time job.. i help my mom, my siblings and my dad, and from time to time, depends on what are the circumstances, i help some aunts and uncles too..(this is because they help me for my studies in college)

And, when i got here, my mom who is cancer survivor and still works said, maybe i can quit my job now and let you help me get thru day by day ( keep in mind that they may not know how is it like to live in here in the US)

I told my family "here is the thing.. let me get a job (a permanent one) then lets work from there (we'll see) because, first of all my priority now is my family(my husband) we want to have a house" Mike and I doesn't like surprises, like for example, "your brother needs this for his field trip, you sister need that, iu need this" so what i told my mom, im sending her $50 (this was when i wasnt working yet) for emergencies..so we wont screw up our budget..

now that i work, means more savings right? yes and no.. my monthly remittance to my mom increased i only up to 150 and thats for emergencies... she is very good in handling money and whenever there is an emergency, i can call her and ask for her to withdraw some..but yes, we are saving more for the house..

What i think can help is that make a monthly budget but please include her in making decisions.. ( i hold all the credit cards and debit card) we only have one account, so we can both keep track of the expenses.. We do have a printed budget in excel and we try to look for some areas where we can sAve more (i.e, cable, phone, internet).. atleast she knows how it is like to stretch the money that you are making..

If she cant control her expenses, id say get the atm..

Do you give her allowance now that she is not working? then maybe she can keep those (instead of buying clothes and "needs") then send the it to her parents..

its all in your hands dude, I hope this helps.. Goodluck again

[macutelit 0]

Helping a family is good BUT I think there are also limitations in everything unless it depend what kind of situation. I am living here for almost two years now and I never send any single cent in the Philippines. If ever I will send money to my family, I will make sure it is from my pocket and I work hard for it not from my husband pocket, but of course my priority is my own family here. If she is sending money to her family, I think she should put limitations on that and help you out there.

[JnJ 0]

This is not limited to filipinos. I'd say a good majority of immigrants with family (ie parents/siblings) left in their home country deal with this -- sending money back home. We all confront this issue -- and may or may not choose to send money at all.

As to which path we choose, that's where specifics come in -

1. family dynamics ( ie - we are family , we are bound to help each other financially, children take care of parent’s needs, , etc)

2. situational/circumstances (ie, parents have no source of income, nephews/nieces cant go to school bec of financial hardship),

3. expectations ( some parents expressed their expectations that their children should provide for them and for their kin ),

4. guilt ( ie , "I cannot have a comfortable life here in the US while my family suffers back home"),

5. misimpressions (family back home think we in the US are soo well-off, surely, we could spare them some ) …

6. and more!!!

I said in my first line that this is not just a Filipino thing . However, it is true that this can be typical for filipinosl ….. even those who can get by on their own, sometimes expect their dollar earning relative to send money.

Various posters have shared their own way of handling this situation. As you may have noted, they vary. Largely bec. we are all differenft and our situations are not the same. Hence, there is no exact formula to this.

You 2 got to have an honest discussion - your own feelings, expectations and priorities, etc. Listen intently to what she shares with you. I would not be surprised if the 2 of you don’t agree .You are of 2 different backgrounds to begin with. Hopefully, you strike a compromise that's agreeable to both of you.

What will be very tricky is the extent of commitment she had told her family ( did she commit to a $300, 400, 500 or so) and most specially, her views re her responsibility to her family back home. I have a friend who will go to the extent of refinancing his home and/or getting loans just to send money home to finance his nieces' schooling.

Good luck.

[MikeMc 38]

It's getting worse...

After our discussion last year, everything got a little bit better. She started sending $400/mo. I was under the impression that she started sending a fixed amount since our discussion.

I was wrong...

This past April, I found out that besides the $400/mo that she was sending online (xoom.com), she was pulling out cash from the ATM to send it via the remittance place. So nothing really changed after our discussion last year. I found out about this after I came across a receipt in our drawer while I was looking for my cell phone charger. I became very upset and we had another discussion about sending money to her family. She said she would never send additional money without letting me know.

On June 1, 2009, she sent her family $480 via (xoom.com). I was curious as to why she was sending the extra $80, but I didn't ask. I figured since we had our discussion in April, I'll let her be the one to give me the details. Unfortunately, I lost track of this because I waited too long to let her know how I felt about it.

Yesterday, (June 28, 2009), I found another receipt in the amount of $100 sent via the remittance place on June 15, 2009. So, this means that the total amount she sent in June was $580.

This is getting worse. I don't know where to start from here. I've tried talking to her, but all she does is send money secretly. I'm not really sure if this is all the money she's sending behind my back.

You should have your own account and she should have her own. Keep a joint account for home expenses, 50/50 share. If she does not have a work right now then she should not use your money to give to her family.

I help my family. I'm paying the schooling of my niece and nephews. My husband is aware that i'm regularly sending money to the Philippines. He allow me to do it coz I'm using my own money. I dont have work yet here in the US, but i have enough savings to support my family back in the philippines.

Talk to your wife. You are living paycheck to paycheck. Set the rules and be firm with it.

Whip out your man card and get those rules laid out.

Let her know that YOUR Family (Her and you) come first then her family.

She is setting a bad precedent with her family, they will call now for every little boo-boo wanting money when a band-aid will do the job, and they expect it from her. She is under pressure from you and them and they are winning. She's testing you to the max.

Also until she gets herself under control, you need to limit her access to the money.

My financee is not here yet and knows ahead of time that we aren't going to go excessive with sending her parents money. They aren't going to live like Kings while I am living like a pauper.

I will give them a fixed amount (enough to pay for food for the month) and if they blow that on dumb stuff then that is on them, not you. By forcing them to adjust to a fixed amount they will eventually learn how to budget better. Fortunately for me, her nanay is very good with money, too bad my fiancee didn't inherit that from her nanay.

A medical emergency now and then, or b-day is one thing, but you need to set the limits with your fiancee.

Upwards of $400 a month?? they better be buying up all kinds of land and/or starting their own business. I don't plan to send more than $100 a month ever.

I want to save up and move back over there and open up a business and live off of the profits from that, my fiance is very happy about that and she also wants to help me save up so we can go back and live there in 4-5 years.

[DEDixon 39]

LOL!!!! hahahahahahaha!

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Marie wanted to send money home. Fine. Get a job. You can send money. The learning experience for her was that no matter how much she sent, they never as much as acknowledged the fact, other than ask for more money within a week or two, with more ills than Carter has pills. After working a few months she didn't manage to save any money, so we decided that I would put her on an allowance. She sends what she can out of the allowance. She gets calls and emails from relatives that would not give her the time of day before, all asking for help. She couldn't say no before. She can now, because her allowance only goes so far.

You should see the nasty note her brother sent her parents. He is working in the US as well, and he got tired of it. At first I was funnelling the money through him, but the parents just did an end around, and kept pestering Marie for more money.

There is no end to it, and no gratitude. If you are feeling generous at the moment, fine. Otherwise, tell the relatives to get out there, and hussle the money for themselves, from somebody else.

Maire asks, "How come the people at work got paid yeasterday, and have no money today?" It was culture shock at first for Marie, but she is beginning to understand now.

[eros_EX_Plumber 0]

I am glad someone started this topic and I tough I was the only one going through this.....

Well, i had to set limitations with my fiance also...this is the amount i can send every month, either you and your family make it...or find something better to do. I cannot afford more then this.

The same rules will apply after marriage too....or she can start looking for a ticket back home....no IF AND or BUT..

It sound a little harsh, but already burned from previous divorce...so lesson learned in my case.

As someone else said before, the more you send the more they ask, is a never ending story.....

#######...I can fill a book about the excuses for needing money...i have heard.

Some people say...it is a culture thing....

well... I am marrying a person... NOT the culture, NOT the family, NOT the RP country... for God Sake

[maritoni 3]

Some people say...it is a culture thing....

well... I am marrying a person... NOT the culture, NOT the family, NOT the RP country... for God Sake

[eros_EX_Plumber 0]

Some people say...it is a culture thing....

well... I am marrying a person... NOT the culture, NOT the family, NOT the RP country... for God Sake

[andrew&evelyn 6]

I can understand your wife helping her parents back home. But sending money behind your back is no good at all after all your talked. $400 monthly is too much as what other said. We are sending monthly to my parents also. We send $ 100 including the xoom payment so more or less we are sending like $96 monthly. It's up to my mother to budget that untill the month is over. During special occasions like Christmass we give them extra like $50 only and we do not send any packages not even once since I arrived here 2 years ago. I always told them we do not pick money up on the trees nor we are not digging money in the ground. I'm not working at all and we only depend on my husband's income to pay all the bills and other expenses.

Evelyn

[AbbynSheryl 0]

I agree with Douglas, bcz i send my wife over $1500.00 or more a month to philippines. i never ask her any question what she does with money but i know she helps her family with each penny she has. I make enough so i dont mind sending her money, bcz we are family now. abby n sheryl

[Robert E Lee 0]

Golly! Reckon Kano spouses are alive 'n kickin'. Boys, don't let the tail wag the dog!

[eros_EX_Plumber 0]

....for that kind of money...I am moving to RP now ....... LOL

Just joking.....