Need Some Advice...

[k32005 0]

(I posted this as a reply on another thread on March 06 2008, but I thought I'd move it here to start a new thread and get some input from everyone)...

"When I met my wife, I knew her family just made enough to get by on their bills and daily expenses (Just like I did). Her dad worked, but her mom didn't work. After my wife arrived here in the US, she asked me if she can send some money to help out her family for that month. I said "ask them how much they need and help them out." She sent them money for that month. The following month, she sent some money again. This continued to be a monthly thing. Since I keep track of our finances, I later noticed that the amount she is sending has been increasing. I didn't say anything because for the most part, the money she sends increased after she started working. However, she was sending almost 100% of her paycheck.

My income barely pays for our house and our daily expenses. My only gripe is that the money that she is sending to her family could be used for savings. My idea of helping is to set aside some money for us first and then help those in need. As the saying goes "charity begins at home." However, my wife sends money first, and if we're short in cash for the month, then I have to work overtime.

Ever since we got married, my wife's family's living conditions have elevated so much. Her father does not work anymore, her neice now goes to school, and they just hang out everyday. Her family does not have any more financial worries. It is as if they won the lottery. Meanwhile, back here in the U.S., we are living paycheck to paycheck and working overtime to make ends meet.

We got into an argument one day because of money. I sold one of our cars because it was going to cost a lot of money to repair. I was gonna use the money to buy things we need for the house, and those things that we've been wanting to get the whole year, but couldn't afford to. I found out later that she has sent some of that cash to her family. I told her "didn't you already send money this month?" She replied, "I sent it for my neice because she called and she needs to attend a christmas party for school." We then got into a big argument.

Because of that argument, she is now very cautious (as far as amount) in sending money to her family, although she still sends money monthly. Unfortunately, my wife has quit her job, but still sends the same amount of money. We sure could use that money for a new car. "

[k32005 0]

It's getting worse...

After our discussion last year, everything got a little bit better. She started sending $400/mo. I was under the impression that she started sending a fixed amount since our discussion.

I was wrong...

This past April, I found out that besides the $400/mo that she was sending online (xoom.com), she was pulling out cash from the ATM to send it via the remittance place. So nothing really changed after our discussion last year. I found out about this after I came across a receipt in our drawer while I was looking for my cell phone charger. I became very upset and we had another discussion about sending money to her family. She said she would never send additional money without letting me know.

On June 1, 2009, she sent her family $480 via (xoom.com). I was curious as to why she was sending the extra $80, but I didn't ask. I figured since we had our discussion in April, I'll let her be the one to give me the details. Unfortunately, I lost track of this because I waited too long to let her know how I felt about it.

Yesterday, (June 28, 2009), I found another receipt in the amount of $100 sent via the remittance place on June 15, 2009. So, this means that the total amount she sent in June was $580.

This is getting worse. I don't know where to start from here. I've tried talking to her, but all she does is send money secretly. I'm not really sure if this is all the money she's sending behind my back.

[rheanick 42]

It's getting worse...

After our discussion last year, everything got a little bit better. She started sending $400/mo. I was under the impression that she started sending a fixed amount since our discussion.

I was wrong...

This past April, I found out that besides the $400/mo that she was sending online (xoom.com), she was pulling out cash from the ATM to send it via the remittance place. So nothing really changed after our discussion last year. I found out about this after I came across a receipt in our drawer while I was looking for my cell phone charger. I became very upset and we had another discussion about sending money to her family. She said she would never send additional money without letting me know.

On June 1, 2009, she sent her family $480 via (xoom.com). I was curious as to why she was sending the extra $80, but I didn't ask. I figured since we had our discussion in April, I'll let her be the one to give me the details. Unfortunately, I lost track of this because I waited too long to let her know how I felt about it.

Yesterday, (June 28, 2009), I found another receipt in the amount of $100 sent via the remittance place on June 15, 2009. So, this means that the total amount she sent in June was $580.

This is getting worse. I don't know where to start from here. I've tried talking to her, but all she does is send money secretly. I'm not really sure if this is all the money she's sending behind my back.

You should have your own account and she should have her own. Keep a joint account for home expenses, 50/50 share. If she does not have a work right now then she should not use your money to give to her family.

I help my family. I'm paying the schooling of my niece and nephews. My husband is aware that i'm regularly sending money to the Philippines. He allow me to do it coz I'm using my own money. I dont have work yet here in the US, but i have enough savings to support my family back in the philippines.

Talk to your wife. You are living paycheck to paycheck. Set the rules and be firm with it.

[RonMay 1]

It's getting worse...

After our discussion last year, everything got a little bit better. She started sending $400/mo. I was under the impression that she started sending a fixed amount since our discussion.

I was wrong...

This past April, I found out that besides the $400/mo that she was sending online (xoom.com), she was pulling out cash from the ATM to send it via the remittance place. So nothing really changed after our discussion last year. I found out about this after I came across a receipt in our drawer while I was looking for my cell phone charger. I became very upset and we had another discussion about sending money to her family. She said she would never send additional money without letting me know.

On June 1, 2009, she sent her family $480 via (xoom.com). I was curious as to why she was sending the extra $80, but I didn't ask. I figured since we had our discussion in April, I'll let her be the one to give me the details. Unfortunately, I lost track of this because I waited too long to let her know how I felt about it.

Yesterday, (June 28, 2009), I found another receipt in the amount of $100 sent via the remittance place on June 15, 2009. So, this means that the total amount she sent in June was $580.

This is getting worse. I don't know where to start from here. I've tried talking to her, but all she does is send money secretly. I'm not really sure if this is all the money she's sending behind my back.

You should have your own account and she should have her own. Keep a joint account for home expenses, 50/50 share. If she does not have a work right now then she should not use your money to give to her family.

I help my family. I'm paying the schooling of my niece and nephews. My husband is aware that i'm regularly sending money to the Philippines. He allow me to do it coz I'm using my own money. I dont have work yet here in the US, but i have enough savings to support my family back in the philippines.

Talk to your wife. You are living paycheck to paycheck. Set the rules and be firm with it.

yeah that's quite a lot considering your situation plus her not having a job... i understand her helping the family but that's getting out of hand also. im helping my mom too but since i dont have a job for the moment, my monthly remittance become lesser ($50 here, $30 there depends on the extra cash i have plus when hubby "offers" ) before i send her $300/month when i was working as a cashier at ace hardware. out of my $1200/month salary i gave her $300 out of it. coz i have a car payment too plus i need to contribute the household needs somehow. perhaps its better if you have a joint account for your bills and you have savings account where she cant access it w/ out each other's permission/signature. if she goes back to work then yes she could send more but not most of her paycheck. some family members even friends and relatives has this perception that once your in the states, you've become big time already and every day's a party!!! seriously its not!!!

i wish you luck!!!

Edited June 29, 2009 by RonMay

[luckymom 0]

That's too much "enabling" her family in the Philippines. The tendency of the people is to lean on your wife sad to say. Or maybe there is a particular project that they started in the Philippines like they bought a piece of land or they started a business. Maybe you can ask her what's the nature of the need. I can understand if the money is to be used for emergency purposes or for matter of life and death situations. But if it's just for everyday consumption, that's another story. The father quitting the job is also an issue here especially these trying times wherein people all over the world are keeping their jobs. You should know by now this "enabling" thing. You've been with her for quite a while and for sure you've noticed this even before. I for one is sending money once in a while, maybe 2x within my 18 months of being together with my USC husband. I don't have a job and even if I have I will not be sending regularly. Talk with your wife in a nice way, if she has a negative reaction then I guess this money issue should be stopped ASAP. Good luck.

[sweetybabe 0]

I understand your wife wanting her family in the philippines live a better life. That's the way we are, helping the family but as what you posted here, she is sending them too much she should let her family aware the situation her in the united states especially this time that everybody got lay off at work you two should save save for the emergency.. You never know if you can keep up your job.. It's very scary this time. so she should let her family know about it so they are going to find a way to help themselves..

[sasha414 0]

the fact that her father quit his job spells red flag. if i were you, i would sit her down, be firm with her and lay the ground rules, "100$ a month and nothing more" . your wife needs to minimize the money she sends her family, sending money monthly at such a big amount is even too much based on my own opinion. if she sends 400$ monthly, her family will live like royalty in the phils while youre working your #### off trying to scrimp on every penny to meet the bills. trust me, if you dont fix this problem now, itll get worst. financial problems can lead to a broken marriage .

[chinese_mutt 11]

wow! 500 = Php25000!!! almost that amount.

Do you know that's actually more than what the average family spends here every month?

I think you should set limitations and stick with it.

I mean, give your wife a monthly budget (food, clothing, household needs) plus money that she can send back. And she can budget the entire month... and everything that is left she can send to her parents. BUT Man, I tell yah... USD500 is way way way too much!!!

I'd hate to say that she is using you... but it sure looks that way. BUT of course, there's always two sides of the story... maybe as somebody here said they started a business or fixed the house or such projects. Ask her about it, talk about it like two adults. If not, tell her to go back to work, put 50% of her salary that goes to your joint account and the rest is upto her to use.

Good luck! Who said married life is easy?

[John&Juvy 36]

I agree that you should have three accounts: "yours", "hers", and "ours". I also agree that you two need to reach an understanding on an appropriate amount and discuss that monthly as your income situation evolves. But, two things:

First, remember that her family is now your family...you accepted that on your wedding day. Hopefully you did so with your eyes wide open. Not sure what your relationship is with your own parents, siblings, etc, but her parents brought her into the world and so made it possible for you to meet and marry. I hope that this figures into your calculation of an "appropriate" amount. What you give has already come back to you in a way. Nor am I aware of her family's living conditions, but you should maybe ask yourself: "Would I allow my own birth family to live that way?" Based on economics, small amounts of money go very very far in PH.

Secondly, I hope that you did your homework. Different cultures are...different. The role that adult children play in the family, and the responsibilities that filipinos/filipinas have towards their parents are very different than here in the US. This is not open to debate (unless you want a life of continuous arguments), will never "go away", is not reduced by the filipinas geography, and both widely known and widely publicised. IMHO, it is probably a better philosophy anyway. In her culture, and in reality, she is obligated to her folks...and so are you. Filipinas, particularly provincial filipinas, often live in their parents household or at least the same barangay well into adulthood, certainly until marriage at which point her and her husband will often join her or his parents in one of their parents' household. The husband, and possibly wife, often joins in one or the other's family business. The couple will reside in the parent's home even beyond their deaths. Right, wrong, or otherwise...you have removed a resource from the parent's household...you have a debt to them. My experience is that this is not overtly expressed but nonetheless expected. They are an older culture, much older than ours...it might help your understanding to research the concept of a "dowry", an ancient custom still practised today.

I comment little here, my filipina wife is more active. I hope you two married for love...I hope that both of you embrace each others' families...and cultures...under that same umbrella...and always focus on that. The rest is just math. Perhaps a counselor or wise third party can help you calmly discuss the money. Remember, to her it's about support and obligation...the money is just a vehicle. Be sensitive to the obligations she feels whether you agree with them or not, do not discount them. To her a "new car" may be less important. Good luck!

John

[John&Juvy 36]

Ok that was my husband version and his third post here i think lol. Here is mine.... I already comment about this kind of topic like 3 weeks ago i think. Like they said if her father quit with his job or something and yes that was a red flag. I also help my parents back home but i still consider helping my husband first paying our bills specially if ever my husband income is not enough in our household.

[chinese_mutt 11]

I agree that you should have three accounts: "yours", "hers", and "ours". I also agree that you two need to reach an understanding on an appropriate amount and discuss that monthly as your income situation evolves. But, two things:

First, remember that her family is now your family...you accepted that on your wedding day. Hopefully you did so with your eyes wide open. Not sure what your relationship is with your own parents, siblings, etc, but her parents brought her into the world and so made it possible for you to meet and marry. I hope that this figures into your calculation of an "appropriate" amount. What you give has already come back to you in a way. Nor am I aware of her family's living conditions, but you should maybe ask yourself: "Would I allow my own birth family to live that way?" Based on economics, small amounts of money go very very far in PH.

Secondly, I hope that you did your homework. Different cultures are...different. The role that adult children play in the family, and the responsibilities that filipinos/filipinas have towards their parents are very different than here in the US. This is not open to debate (unless you want a life of continuous arguments), will never "go away", is not reduced by the filipinas geography, and both widely known and widely publicised. IMHO, it is probably a better philosophy anyway. In her culture, and in reality, she is obligated to her folks...and so are you. Filipinas, particularly provincial filipinas, often live in their parents household or at least the same barangay well into adulthood, certainly until marriage at which point her and her husband will often join her or his parents in one of their parents' household. The husband, and possibly wife, often joins in one or the other's family business. The couple will reside in the parent's home even beyond their deaths. Right, wrong, or otherwise...you have removed a resource from the parent's household...you have a debt to them. My experience is that this is not overtly expressed but nonetheless expected. They are an older culture, much older than ours...it might help your understanding to research the concept of a "dowry", an ancient custom still practised today.

I comment little here, my filipina wife is more active. I hope you two married for love...I hope that both of you embrace each others' families...and cultures...under that same umbrella...and always focus on that. The rest is just math. Perhaps a counselor or wise third party can help you calmly discuss the money. Remember, to her it's about support and obligation...the money is just a vehicle. Be sensitive to the obligations she feels whether you agree with them or not, do not discount them. To her a "new car" may be less important. Good luck!

John

John, I agree to a certain extent. BUT if the family members (parents, siblings, etc.) is not helping themselves to improve their life then I don't see that there's any 'obligation' for any child to fulfill. I mean... if they quit their jobs for no reason other than they want to depend their entire life on you... well, I see no reason to encourage laziness. It does show good faith at all on their end.

Of course, the OP does not really know or did not share the entire story so we don't know if the father quit for a good reason or not. Or what the money is being used for.

IMHO, when one gets married your first loyalty should be to your spouse and your new family. This does not mean you should let your parents starve to death, but everything must be balanced out.

Ok that was my husband version and his third post here i think lol. Here is mine.... I already comment about this kind of topic like 3 weeks ago i think. Like they said if her father quit with his job or something and yes that was a red flag. I also help my parents back home but i still consider helping my husband first paying our bills specially if ever my husband income is not enough in our household.

[ellmvl 1]

Wow if my husband will let me send $400 to my mom and dad every month...they can afford to have party in the neighborhood everyday Ok that is just TOO MUCH! I understand about the family support thing since my husband and i have agreed to continue to support my mom and dad when i get there...but to send money behind your husband's back is just questionable. Things like this should not be kept secretly and should be agreed by both parties. This is shameful to admit but it is really common here for people to expect financial support from their family abroad co'z they think that people there have lots of $$$...and because of this expectations, they tend to do everything abroad just not to upset their family. I think if we (filipina) are in this situation, it is very important to talk to our family about our real situation (financially) in the states so that they wont be expecting too much from you...i am sure they will understand that. Less stress...then you don't have to lie from your husband and risk your relationship. Even if your husband is wealthy, still you have to talk and agree about how much it is that you'll be sending to your family in pinas.

Anyway, i agree with the 3 account policy and transparency is very important in relationship not just in money matter but about everything.

You wife is lucky that you are willing to help her family but let her know how you feel about her keeping things from you. Hope you guys will solve this issues in your relationship. God bless!

[Rocky_nBullwinkle 6]

Your Pinay wife is very generous. My husband says you to take care of yourself first before you take care of others. So it's like this. We pay our bills first with our incomes and then whatever is left goes to my family in the Philippines. I send $100 to my mom because she needs the money for her medicines. So nice of your wife to be supporting her family, but not the extended family I guess including the niece. It's not her responsibility anymore.

[maritoni 3]

Your wife seem dont Understand that you are a team and you're in it together. When you're on the same team, it is easier to come up with reasonable and fair solutions to spending disagreements. For instance, if your spouse sending money back home,she should have a certain number of dollars set aside for that..But then again she should understand that you must live on less than you earn. Living from one paycheck to the next is not a good idea and should be avoided at all costs. Living from one paycheck to another can cause stress and lead each of you to feel taken for granted, used, and insecure about the future of your marriage and finances..

[DouglasFiel 53]

(I posted this as a reply on another thread on March 06 2008, but I thought I'd move it here to start a new thread and get some input from everyone)...

"When I met my wife, I knew her family just made enough to get by on their bills and daily expenses (Just like I did). Her dad worked, but her mom didn't work. After my wife arrived here in the US, she asked me if she can send some money to help out her family for that month. I said "ask them how much they need and help them out." She sent them money for that month. The following month, she sent some money again. This continued to be a monthly thing. Since I keep track of our finances, I later noticed that the amount she is sending has been increasing. I didn't say anything because for the most part, the money she sends increased after she started working. However, she was sending almost 100% of her paycheck.

My income barely pays for our house and our daily expenses. My only gripe is that the money that she is sending to her family could be used for savings. My idea of helping is to set aside some money for us first and then help those in need. As the saying goes "charity begins at home." However, my wife sends money first, and if we're short in cash for the month, then I have to work overtime.

Ever since we got married, my wife's family's living conditions have elevated so much. Her father does not work anymore, her neice now goes to school, and they just hang out everyday. Her family does not have any more financial worries. It is as if they won the lottery. Meanwhile, back here in the U.S., we are living paycheck to paycheck and working overtime to make ends meet.

We got into an argument one day because of money. I sold one of our cars because it was going to cost a lot of money to repair. I was gonna use the money to buy things we need for the house, and those things that we've been wanting to get the whole year, but couldn't afford to. I found out later that she has sent some of that cash to her family. I told her "didn't you already send money this month?" She replied, "I sent it for my neice because she called and she needs to attend a christmas party for school." We then got into a big argument.

Because of that argument, she is now very cautious (as far as amount) in sending money to her family, although she still sends money monthly. Unfortunately, my wife has quit her job, but still sends the same amount of money. We sure could use that money for a new car. "

There is a cultural responsibilities to help their parents and siblings... I think most of us understand that...

You took her out of the chain of financial support for the family.

But,,, Unless you are independently wealthy and are willing to just give them mass amounts of cash. i think a reasonable approach is to limit

the cash to "What you can afford" with a maximum limit set to about amount of money your wife could of added to the household income...

Assuming 1. They send her to a good school, 2. She got a good job and 3. she gave the family most of her income.

For example a nurse with a good job might make $200 or $300 in a small town.. Maybe $400 or so in Manila...

I let my wife know,,, that my main responsibility is to help my immediate family, But, since I love her,,, I will help her with one of her

responsibilites.

At the end of the day,,, if she is sending all of that money abroad and not assisting in her primary responsibility which is to help her children

and husband... Her parents will live in the best house in the neighborhood, all of the relatives will be going to the good schools,,, And, you

will be living below average in the USA and your kids are going to the community college. We always need to strike a balance.

My two centavos,

Regards,