Things Your Waiter Won't Tell You

[one...two...tree 2,762]

1. Avoid eating out on holidays and Saturday nights. The sheer volume of customers guarantees that most kitchens will be pushed beyond their ability to produce a high-quality dish.

2. There are almost never any sick days in the restaurant business. A busboy with a kid to support isn't going to stay home and miss out on $100 because he's got strep throat. And these are the people handling your food.

3. When customers' dissatisfaction devolves into personal attacks, adulterating food or drink is a convenient way for servers to exact covert vengeance. Some waiters can and do spit in people's food.

4. Never say "I'm friends with the owner." Restaurant owners don't have friends. This marks you as a clueless poseur the moment you walk in the door.

5. Treat others as you want to be treated. (Yes, people need to be reminded of this.)

6. Don't snap your fingers to get our attention. Remember, we have shears that cut through bone in the kitchen.

7. Don't order meals that aren't on the menu. You're forcing the chef to cook something he doesn't make on a regular basis. If he makes the same entrée 10,000 times a month, the odds are good that the dish will be a home run every time.

8. Splitting entrées is okay, but don't ask for water, lemon, and sugar so you can make your own lemonade. What's next, grapes so you can press your own wine?

9. If you find a waiter you like, always ask to be seated in his or her section. Tell all your friends so they'll start asking for that server as well. You've just made that waiter look indispensable to the owner. The server will be grateful and take good care of you.

10. If you can't afford to leave a tip, you can't afford to eat in the restaurant. Servers could be giving 20 to 40 percent to the busboys, bartenders, maître d', or hostess.

11. Always examine the check. Sometimes large parties are unaware that a gratuity has been added to the bill, so they tip on top of it. Waiters "facilitate" this error. It's dishonest, it's wrong-and I did it all the time.

12. If you want to hang out, that's fine. But increase the tip to make up for money the server would have made if he or she had had another seating at that table.

13. Never, ever come in 15 minutes before closing time. The cooks are tired and will cook your dinner right away. So while you're chitchatting over salads, your entrées will be languishing under the heat lamp while the dishwasher is spraying industrial-strength, carcinogenic cleaning solvents in their immediate vicinity.

From Waiter Rant: Thanks for the Tip-Confessions of a Cynical Waiter by The Waiter (Ecco/HarperCollins)

[Amby 490]

all very true. and don't wait forever to order your dessert if you're one of the last tables of the night. chances are the pastry chef will do something really horrible to your dessert or just leave before you order because she's so pissed off.

p.s. if you ever want to really know what's going on, take me to dinner and i'll tell you all about it

Edited June 27, 2009 by Amby

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

I have been behind the line in enough kitchens that I rarely eat out anymore.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I have been behind the line in enough kitchens that I rarely eat anyone.

:o

[Amby 490]

I have been behind the line in enough kitchens that I rarely eat anyone.

I enjoy going out to dinner but I really pay attention to my food when it comes to the table. I'd much rather stay at home and cook the exact same thing. Cooking is really relaxing for me so I don't mind "slaving" over the stove for hours and hours.

The fine dining type restaurants aren't anywhere near as bad as chain restaurants. I never really witnessed anything really crazy in fine dining or fine catering. We did a lot of stuff to get around the kosher stuff when we did jewish weddings and such. We tricked the rabbi a lot. My biggest tip is never ask for something really crazy or to change a lot of stuff on one dish. If you do that it messes up the flow of the line and pisses the line cooks off majorly. Also ticks them off if you order something well done. All the other food will sit around waiting for your well done piece of meat.

[Amby 490]

oh and if you're a regular that wants changes every single time, we give you a really horrible nickname. the waiter will come back and say (your nickname) is here and wants to be treated like a queen (or something).

[alienlovechild 75]

10. If you can't afford to leave a tip, you can't afford to eat in the restaurant. Servers could be giving 20 to 40 percent to the busboys, bartenders, maître d', or hostess.

The cooks get nothing extra in tips no matter how well they cook your food but we're supposed to pay a tip to the person who carries the dishes? You can tell I worked in a kitchen.

If you do that it messes up the flow of the line and pisses the line cooks off majorly. Also ticks them off if you order something well done. All the other food will sit around waiting for your well done piece of meat.

I've seen a lot of undercooked steaks and I'm amazed that that would serve me that when I ordered it medium-well.

Edited June 28, 2009 by alienlovechild

[Amby 490]

10. If you can't afford to leave a tip, you can't afford to eat in the restaurant. Servers could be giving 20 to 40 percent to the busboys, bartenders, maître d', or hostess.

The cooks get nothing extra in tips no matter how well they cook your food but we're supposed to pay a tip to the person who carries the dishes? You can tell I worked in a kitchen.

If you do that it messes up the flow of the line and pisses the line cooks off majorly. Also ticks them off if you order something well done. All the other food will sit around waiting for your well done piece of meat.

I've seen a lot of undercooked steaks and I'm amazed that that would serve me that when I ordered it medium-well.

It's a combo of not wanting to spend all that extra time to cook something well done when there's tons of tickets AND some people just suck really bad at being able to tell how well done a steak is just by touching it.

Edited June 28, 2009 by Amby

[SuperDuper! 230]

I have been behind the line in enough kitchens that I rarely eat out anymore.

But didnt I see you at the SteakHouse Restaurant the other nite? You ran in and yelled, "I am a vegetarian!"

[alienlovechild 75]

some people just suck really bad at being able to tell how well done a steak is just by touching it.

That's not the way to check. Cut into it and look at the color. Red and bloody ain't medium well. Send it back.

[Amby 490]

some people just suck really bad at being able to tell how well done a steak is just by touching it.

That's not the way to check. Cut into it and look at the color. Red and bloody ain't medium well. Send it back.

well you can tell how well done it is by how firm it is. we don't have the luxury of cutting your steak open to see if it's done. some people run tons of timers and they time your steak. timers drive me insane. the touch test is something you can do after cooking many many steaks. it took me a few months of cooking steaks to figure it out completely. and for chicken breast...if you hold it with tongs on the thinner end (back where the thighs would be) and it doesn't flop over, it's done.

[alienlovechild 75]

the touch test is something you can do after cooking many many steaks. it took me a few months of cooking steaks to figure it out completely

The cutting into the meat test takes seconds to do and not months to learn.

[SuperDuper! 230]

the touch test is something you can do after cooking many many steaks. it took me a few months of cooking steaks to figure it out completely

The cutting into the meat test takes seconds to do and not months to learn.

Yea, who wants the cook and waiter putting their hands all over your meat! Just cut it open and take a look!

[Amby 490]

the touch test is something you can do after cooking many many steaks. it took me a few months of cooking steaks to figure it out completely

The cutting into the meat test takes seconds to do and not months to learn.

Yea, who wants the cook and waiter putting their hands all over your meat! Just cut it open and take a look!

cutting into someone's steak is a bad idea all the juice will come out and it'll be dry. people put their hands all over your food all the time. you think they use tongs to stack stuff perfectly?

[msu17 0]

the touch test is something you can do after cooking many many steaks. it took me a few months of cooking steaks to figure it out completely

The cutting into the meat test takes seconds to do and not months to learn.

Yea, who wants the cook and waiter putting their hands all over your meat! Just cut it open and take a look!

cutting into someone's steak is a bad idea all the juice will come out and it'll be dry. people put their hands all over your food all the time. you think they use tongs to stack stuff perfectly?

Ugh agreed. I also hate this new thing I've seen at some of the chain places where they ask you to cut into your steak at the table. I'm not ready to get to that yet and I don't want everything running out of my meat!