Australian Tourism: questions answered lol

[hampster 0]

Australian Tourism: questions answered These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website. Obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies.....just trying to help:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water... Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right? Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population, is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains, of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Ban Hammer 13,651]

although that one about australian snakes is very untrue

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Funny, but now that I read that I have a headache Returns between lines would've been nice !

[CarolineM 0]

LOL. I seriously was laughing out loud at some of these. This is hilarious.

[hampster 0]

Funny, but now that I read that I have a headache Returns between lines would've been nice !

well as long as you laughed...

LOL. I seriously was laughing out loud at some of these. This is hilarious.

But wait ... there's more.....

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Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by

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3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs.

About lifting the toilet seat by Simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers:

Just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes,

Thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock,

Will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep,

After you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough,

Take a large dose of laxatives,

Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache?

Smash your thumb with a hammer!

And you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes,

We just need to remember what the rules of life Really are:

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If it doesn't move and should,

Use the WD-40.

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Use the duct tape.

And we ALL know someone who will try most of these.

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Never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

[Ban Hammer 13,651]

Funny, but now that I read that I have a headache Returns between lines would've been nice !

well as long as you laughed...

hey it didn't answer where crocodile dundee can be found

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

I had to fix this. I was about to have a seizure.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population, is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains, of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[hampster 0]

Thanks sorry was lazy and just cut and pasted lol

I had to fix this. I was about to have a seizure.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population, is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains, of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[aussiewench 9]

HAHAHAHA Hampster

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

And can even see us ridin' em

[Ban Hammer 13,651]

HAHAHAHA Hampster

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

And can even see us ridin' em

so aussie, which way to crocodile dundee's house?