Hey Iran!

[mRx 16]

by Joe Schembrie

Given the recent worldwide furor over election irregularities in Iran, here's some advice for Iran's rulers on how America's rulers successfully avoid such public relations disasters. Since even official US government statistics admit that the ratio of Public Debt to GDP for America is 60% compared to only 25% for Iran, America's banksters clearly have much to teach Iran's mullahs in how to exploit and impoverish their people for generations to come without fomenting a revolution in retaliation. The secret, obviously, is to maintain the form of democracy without the substance.

First and foremost, in American elections, the presidential candidates of the major parties are hand-picked by the financial elite that runs the country, so that the new "reform" President follows the same policies as the previous "traditionalist" President. By this pretense of choice in candidates, our rulers can appear to conform to the popular will without having to compromise their agenda.

The Iranian democratic experience shows that paper ballots can be efficiently counted by hand in mere hours, but in America we use complicated ballot counting machines which often malfunction and confuse election results for weeks on end, until finally the Supreme Court flips a coin. This heightened sense of drama is useful because it creates the emotional impression in the public mind that it really makes a difference as to who recites from the presidential teleprompter.

In the name of election reform, America is now transitioning to voting computers that produce no paper trail whatsoever. In a world that made sense, such complete lack of accountability would trigger universal accusations of intent to rig elections, but the fraudulence of the candidates cancels out the fraudulence of the voting machines and so there really isn't much to complain about.

If despite the sanitization of election results our sleepy citizenry should wake up and decide to publicly protest, they will be confined to cramped holding pens known as "Free Speech Zones," where they are protected from the danger of being noticed.

What if protest crowds in America burst out of confinement onto the streets and become unruly? Then the police are authorized to use tasers, which can be just as lethal as guns but are officially declared "non-lethal," which means that if you are harmed by excessive shock it's never the cop's fault and you must have really been asking for it. Since tasers are bloodless, they provide little opportunity for martyrdom photo-ops.

Speaking of media, American government is far ahead of Iran in terms of filtering the news. In America, the police routinely confiscate the cameras and cell phones of bystanders in the vicinity of an act of police brutality. This is technically illegal, but any show of resistance will bring charges of "'interference" with police business.

As for Twitter, the phone companies (guess who controls them) will happily comply with government "requests" to monitor personal phone communications so that Homeland Security can take appropriate action against troublemakers. Such surveillance is illegal, but that simply means the government issues amnesty and promises not to break the law again unless it feels like it.

I don't know the status of civil rights in Iran, but here in America the regime creates a disincentive for anti-government protests by infringing upon certain minor constitutional rights, such as the right not to be tortured into making false confessions. That the Iranian regime recently released a foreign journalist whom it accused of being a spy – rather than waterboarding her until she confessed to being a spy – indicates that Iran has a long way to go before its human rights record matches that of the United States.

These examples are just a brief summary of some of the many techniques that our ruling elite employs here in America to maintain the illusion of democracy while blatantly operating the biggest empire the world has ever seen. To be sure, the recent protests in the streets of Tehran are a distraction, but in keeping with the lessons of modern American democracy, there's nothing wrong with Iranian democracy that a shipload of tasers and waterboards can't fix. With a little hard work and a lot of hypocrisy, the mullahs can make over Iran's democracy into just as much an admired sham as is America's.

Of course, the Iranians will still have to exchange their increasingly valuable oil for our increasingly worthless dollars, or our government will find an excuse to bomb them back to the stone age no matter what they do. Admittedly, that's not much of a choice, but you hardly need

to tell you that if democracy could actually affect government policy, it would be un-American.

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[Peikko 1,575]

You do like flamboyancy Matt. Perhaps you keep company with the LaRouche boys too? Now that's great for flim flam and empty, but flowery rhetoric. You just toss in these words like Nazism, Imperialism, Wall Street clique's and off you go. Nothing actually means anything, beyond an expression of dissatisfaction. Fine as far as it goes, but it doesn't go very far.

Incidentally, I agree that there is a political elite and that all politicians are more or less marching to the same tune. I do not however believe that there is some grand conspiracy to it all and I do believe that 'the people' could afford greater change democratically, should they choose to do so.

[Trumplestiltskin 5,791]

There were reports the other night that the Iranian militia are actively targeting people with mobile phones, in an attempt to stop the protests.

[AlHayatZween 2]

Is anyone really surprised by what is happening in Iran with the election and now post-election havoc?

i saw this coming miles away, and i don't even really know that much about Iranian politics.

[Peikko 1,575]

It's specious to suggest that somehow people in the US are worse off than people in Iran as well as insulting.

[almaty 19]

same here..it never was an election..well, as much as one as the former soviet union had or china still has...the winner is determined prior to a single vote being cast

[mRx 16]

You do like flamboyancy Matt. Perhaps you keep company with the LaRouche boys too? Now that's great for flim flam and empty, but flowery rhetoric. You just toss in these words like Nazism, Imperialism, Wall Street clique's and off you go. Nothing actually means anything, beyond an expression of dissatisfaction. Fine as far as it goes, but it doesn't go very far.

Incidentally, I agree that there is a political elite and that all politicians are more or less marching to the same tune. I do not however believe that there is some grand conspiracy to it all and I do believe that 'the people' could afford greater change democratically, should they choose to do so.

I altruistically posted this just for you. Regretably, while overcome by my own flamboyancy, I messed up the title. It should read: "For My Dearest, Madame Cleo. Lovingly Yours, Matt."

I shall make this mistake known to the VJ Command, and I expect the error to be corrected post-haste.

[Peikko 1,575]

Your prose is not particularly effusive, but you seem to like these trumped up articles - well, I have no way of knowing what you actually think about this as you did not actually say

[mRx 16]

Your prose is not particularly effusive

This is undoubtedly the kindest note you've ever written to me. I'm humbled.

[Trumplestiltskin 5,791]

I think its especially wrong to poke fun at the ongoing events - as the author seems to be doing.

People are actually being killed over there.

[Peikko 1,575]

Your prose is not particularly effusive

This is undoubtedly the kindest note you've ever written to me. I'm humbled.

Poppycock! You're entirely facetious.

Well, in that instance at least.

[almaty 19]

I think its especially wrong to poke fun at the ongoing events - as the author seems to be doing.

People are actually being killed over there.

and sadly, the future is being suppressed by the islamofacists...

[Peikko 1,575]

I think its especially wrong to poke fun at the ongoing events - as the author seems to be doing.

People are actually being killed over there.

I am not sure if it is 'poking fun' so much as this smarmy 'I know but you don't, you little rats in a maze idiots'. It's like he's sitting outside of the picture looking in, not actually part of the picture. Mostly though, it's hyperbole to make a point about things that are problematic in this country. Things that are problematic sure but not nearly so devastating as the problems elsewhere. It's pathetic more than anything. There are points to be made, but not in this fashion. Truly awful journalism.

Edited June 25, 2009 by Madame Cleo

[Trumplestiltskin 5,791]

He's ignoring the specifics of the political situation in that country and what's actually going on over there in order to promote some spurious argument that the Iranians should count themselves lucky that their society isn't as restrictive as ours.

[Peikko 1,575]

In a nutshell, yes.

It's not like he gives a ####### about the Iranians and their problems, he's just using their situation to 'badly' illustrate this spurious point.