How do you handle each other's pasts?

[gimygirl 0]

I don't ask about hers, she doesn't ask about mine. Simple.

always excellent idea..bro robert, the sane here...but, sanita got a 221 g cause of that

very, very, VERY good point, deaners!!!!

your partner's past is the reason you fell in love with them ... if their past was any different it wouldn't have led to you ... and that can't be a bad thing!

[*Robert* 2]

I don't ask about hers, she doesn't ask about mine. Simple.

always excellent idea..bro robert, the sane here...but, sanita got a 221 g cause of that

very, very, VERY good point, deaners!!!!

your partner's past is the reason you fell in love with them ... if their past was any different it wouldn't have led to you ... and that can't be a bad thing!

Absolutely bro Dean and sister Monique! Not to say we didn't cover all the necessary information about each other when we first met, because we did. After all, I needed to know her, and she needed to know me. Once we were satisfied with the answers... we moved on!

At this point in our relationship, there is no reason to keep reliving the past.

Does that make sense?

Edited July 8, 2006 by roi_aggie

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Absolutely bro Dean and sister Monique! Not to say we didn't cover all the necessary information about each other when we first met, because we did. After all, I needed to know her, and she needed to know me. Once we were satisfied with the answers... we moved on!

At this point in our relationship, there is no reason to keep reliving the past.

Does that make sense?

That makes sense to a point but in practice it's not so clean. For example, if the both of you are around relatives, it's inevitable that people talk about the good 'ol times (at least my family does), or even sometimes you can have, say an elderly grandmother who is senile, say to you, "Where's Mary (your ex)?" Right in front of your spouse, or another relative accidentally calls your current spouse, Mary. It would be great to lock away our pasts in a closet never to be seen again, but there's just no way you can avoid it creeping out in your everyday lives together. When it does show it's ugly head, how do you two handle it?

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

at least my family does

we must be cousins!

[*Robert* 2]

Absolutely bro Dean and sister Monique! Not to say we didn't cover all the necessary information about each other when we first met, because we did. After all, I needed to know her, and she needed to know me. Once we were satisfied with the answers... we moved on!

At this point in our relationship, there is no reason to keep reliving the past.

Does that make sense?

When it does show it's ugly head, how do you two handle it?

Luckily, I don't have any family... at least none that I care to admit to. Where we live is a place I started fresh, so no chance of my past being brought up, not that it matters.

My wife is well aware of my past relationships, but she is confident enough to know that I am with HER now, not someone else. It really isn't an issue.

We love each other, and most importantly, we trust each other. As long as there is trust, things like people saying stupid things about the past should not make one itty bitty difference.

Edited July 8, 2006 by roi_aggie

[one...two...tree 2,762]

at least my family does

we must be cousins!

I thought you sounded familiar! Cousin Smith!

[tmma 467]

Absolutely bro Dean and sister Monique! Not to say we didn't cover all the necessary information about each other when we first met, because we did. After all, I needed to know her, and she needed to know me. Once we were satisfied with the answers... we moved on!

At this point in our relationship, there is no reason to keep reliving the past.

Does that make sense?

That makes sense to a point but in practice it's not so clean. For example, if the both of you are around relatives, it's inevitable that people talk about the good 'ol times (at least my family does), or even sometimes you can have, say an elderly grandmother who is senile, say to you, "Where's Mary (your ex)?" Right in front of your spouse, or another relative accidentally calls your current spouse, Mary. It would be great to lock away our pasts in a closet never to be seen again, but there's just no way you can avoid it creeping out in your everyday lives together. When it does show it's ugly head, how do you two handle it?

How to handle it?

Well, nowadays it seems everyone over 18 seems to have "a past" of some description.

If you and your S/O have been honest with eachother in private conversations ( so therefore no "hidden and buried" skeletons are about to jump out of cupboards at family reunions) there is really nothing to worry about.

As adults-it's unrealistic to assume that once you fall in love with someone and embark on such a huge commitment as marraige, for that person's past ( wether it's just uncomfy or downright nasty) is going to just dissappear from anyone's memories.

My point was- that there is no point talking and re-living the past over and over again with your S/O; if a family member slips up, or a friend makes a mistake in company-so what?

Nothing is hidden from S/O, so deal with the uncomfortable few seconds; realize that our past choices are what got us to the point we are at now- and move on!

Edited July 8, 2006 by tmma

[one...two...tree 2,762]

How to handle it?

Well, nowadays it seems everyone over 18 seems to have "a past" of some description.

If you and your S/O have been honest with eachother in private conversations ( so therefore no "hidden and buried" skeletons are about to jump out of cupboards at family reunions) there is really nothing to worry about.

As adults-it's unrealistic to assume that once you fall in love with someone and embark on such a huge commitment as marraige, for that person's past ( wether it's just uncomfy or downright nasty) is going to just dissappear from anyone's memories.

My point was- that there is no point talking and re-living the past over and over again with your S/O; if a family member slips up, or a friend makes a mistake in company-so what?

Nothing is hidden from S/O, so deal with the uncomfortable few seconds; realize that our past choices are what got us to the point we are at now- and move on!

Where I'm coming from is I'm thinking about my fiancee coming to a strang new land, leaving everything behind, starting from scratch and adjusting to the married life. She is going to be feeling at times, out of place. Under normal circumstances, I agree that little things like a relative accidentally calling her by your former spouses name is harmless, but to her it might throw her in a dizzy. I just want to be prepared for that. I want to help her feel welcomed into this new life, into my family, and help her adjust to the changes.

Edited July 8, 2006 by Steven_and_Jinky

[CanGal 1]

Where I'm coming from is I'm thinking about my fiancee coming to a strang new land, leaving everything behind, starting from scratch and adjusting to the married life. She is going to be feeling at times, out of place. Under normal circumstances, I agree that little things like a relative accidentally calling her by your former spouses name is harmless, but to her it might throw her in a dizzy. I just want to be prepared for that. I want to help her feel welcomed into this new life, into my family, and help her adjust to the changes.

It's sweet that you are really looking out for her well being and planning and trying to plan for her move here to the USA be as comfortable as possible. I guess all I can say is that you just need to be honest about your past with her. If it comes out in a way that makes her uncomfortable I guess all I can say is that you will need to deal with that then if it ever occurs. Open communication is the key and if you know where eachother stands with one another and decisions and such you've made in your pasts the more likely it is for you to move on. I would just be an open book with her daily. As long as she knows she's loved by you now I don't think you should have any HUGE issues. Least I would hope not.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

It's sweet that you are really looking out for her well being and planning and trying to plan for her move here to the USA be as comfortable as possible. I guess all I can say is that you just need to be honest about your past with her. If it comes out in a way that makes her uncomfortable I guess all I can say is that you will need to deal with that then if it ever occurs. Open communication is the key and if you know where eachother stands with one another and decisions and such you've made in your pasts the more likely it is for you to move on. I would just be an open book with her daily. As long as she knows she's loved by you now I don't think you should have any HUGE issues. Least I would hope not.

Thank you. I'm a walking on eggshells right now because I've already faced conflicts over the phone talking about something in the past in attempt to explain or help her understand. Bethanie mentioned earlier in the post that it's better to hold off on talking too much about such issues as the past until she is here and I agree. I tend to over explain or give too much info and in the process just make matters worse.

Edited July 9, 2006 by Steven_and_Jinky

[*Robert* 2]

I tend to over explain or give too much info and in the process just make matters worse.

As with everything, there is a balance. When to say something, and when not ot. What to say, and what not to say. There's no right or wrong, just what works in each person's life and relationship. You two will have to find that balance on your own. There may be a few "bumps in the road", but that's all part of a relationship.

[CanGal 1]

I'm a walking on eggshells right now because I've already faced conflicts over the phone talking about something in the past in attempt to explain or help her understand. Bethanie mentioned earlier in the post that it's better to hold off on talking too much about such issues as the past until she is here and I agree. I tend to over explain or give too much info and in the process just make matters worse.

Ya, I think the worst thing to do is try and talk about such issues over the phone. Thats no way to go about it. Like robert said, balance is the key. There is a time to say things and a time not too. To talk about such things on the phone I think is not the right way to go about it. Like I said, just be honest, and if the issue arises deal with it then. Till then I wouldn't worry about it.