How do you handle each other's pasts?

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

In a year and a half seperated from one another, I have yet to worry about my husband and his intentions with any other woman. Hey he has even been added to the women of the office "Fantasy club", just made me laugh more than anything. Those 20-25 year old gals couldn't handle him ! I had to analyze this of course, my guess it is the older "faithful" man thing and always worth a shot to see if you can get him to be unfaithful lol. Mind you they have even had conversations about their battery operated girly toys, if they only knew what that made him think about them! Asked him how he handled this little giggle session, his reply was "okaaaaaaaaaay whatever", and walked away blushing. Good man!

PMSL...I love it!! lol. Well you know, the thing is this...I love it when other women look at Ian and flirt with him. Because at the end of the day, I know it's me that he goes home with and its me that he sees before he falls asleep and its me that he sees the first thing he wakes up in the morn. But for some reason his ex is the one that gets to me. Perhaps its her cheekiness and her boldness in thinking that she can still get him if she likes. I am a big proponent of respect. I loathe people that don't respect my relationship or us as people. The fact that she called him crying on his shoulder when her grandad died...I am sorry but she has a new man to cry to..the same man she cheated on Ian with. Then to text him the next day saying...ooo so sorry about last night...but you certainly know what I am like xxxx.......FFS lol. Of course he didn't respond but its the principal.. SHE HAS NONE lol. Anyway...I love Ian and I do trust him. It was foolish of me to let her get to me. I won't let her win. From now I on I will just brush her off my shoulder and keep my head high.

LJ

[gwenneh 7]

Anyway...I love Ian and I do trust him. It was foolish of me to let her get to me. I won't let her win. From now I on I will just brush her off my shoulder and keep my head high.

LJ

Good for you! That's the way to handle it. You can't control how other people (IE, the EX) act; you are only able to control how you react. And I suspect largely that she'll continue if it gets a rise out of you, which makes it even more important for you to come to terms with it.

Ah, the dirty fighting tactics of the cornered ex girlfriend-anything to get a rise out of someone.

[katand7 0]

The past is sometimes a sore subject. I think more for my husband than for me because I was married before and have kids. Now we are together and my kids live with us. So my now hubby is dealing with the past in his face everyday. My ex husband isn't involved in their lives but still lives relatively close by. My oldest son is in the Army and my ex has contact with him and thus when he talks to his siblings on the phone and stuff they hear about him and its just a never ending cycle. The kids look somewhat like my ex so that is always there. We just recently moved and my hubby was packing up stuff out of a desk and my old wedding photos were there and an old scrapbook I had from the end of high school and beginning of college. I know he didn't understand why I had them still. I was happy to talk about it. But my hubby is very insecure and has been bothered by it anyway.

My hubby didn't come with as much as baggage as me. He was never married and had no kids. But I know about girls he was dating before we made the decision to be together. Sometimes I will feel a twinge of jealousy if he talks about them or something. But its fleeting. He is with me and loves me and I am sure of that. The past can't hurt us unless we choose to let it. That is my feeling anyway.

I don't think there is any standard answer about whether or not you should talk about the past. It varies between individuals and couples. Only you two together can gauge your comfort level now.

Kathleen

[one...two...tree 2,762]

For example, times when Tim has been worried or upset, I simply remind him I am not the woman he was married to in the past.

B

Bethanie, will you marry me also? hehehe...just kidding, but wow, you really have a great understanding about your husband. I too am a bit shellshocked and wounded from a destructive marriage that lasted way too long, but I'm also scared to even dare let Jinky sense that I'm still frightened by the ghosts from my past marriage. It's inevitable that I must face those fears and from what I read in a book called, "Keeping The Love You Find", the author, Harville Hendrix believes that a healthy relationship serves the purpose of healing each one of us towards wholeness.

from his book... (bare with me - it may seem off topic but it does have to do with how we handle our pasts)

"Finding and keeping love is not just a romantic idea; it's crucial to our intact survival. We are irrevocably committed to relationships as the context in which to experience our true nature. Relationships pave the way for us to recapture our wholeness by correcting the distortions of caretaking and socialization that distanced us from our original selves. It is in unconditionally loving our partner, making it safe for them to open to love, letting that love sink in over time so that trust can build, that allows their fullness to come back into being, so they can feel their oneness, their totality. The radical position that I'm taking is that love is the answer. " ~ Harville Hendrix, Keeping The Love You Find

Edited July 6, 2006 by StevenJinky

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

For example, times when Tim has been worried or upset, I simply remind him I am not the woman he was married to in the past.

B

Bethanie, will you marry me also? hehehe...just kidding, but wow, you really have a great understanding about your husband. I too am a bit shellshocked and wounded from a destructive marriage that lasted way too long, but I'm also scared to even dare let Jinky sense that I'm still frightened by the ghosts from my past marriage. It's inevitable that I must face those fears and from what I read in a book called, "Keeping The Love You Find", the author, Harville Hendrix believes that a healthy relationship serves the purpose of healing each one of us towards wholeness.

from his book... (bare with me - it may seem off topic but it does have to do with how we handle our pasts)

"Finding and keeping love is not just a romantic idea; it's crucial to our intact survival. We are irrevocably committed to relationships as the context in which to experience our true nature. Relationships pave the way for us to recapture our wholeness by correcting the distortions of caretaking and socialization that distanced us from our original selves. It is in unconditionally loving our partner, making it safe for them to open to love, letting that love sink in over time so that trust can build, that allows their fullness to come back into being, so they can feel their oneness, their totality. The radical position that I'm taking is that love is the answer. " ~ Harville Hendrix, Keeping The Love You Find

Not always the perfect bride. I think I try to give him what I never had in prior relationships, understanding and patience. I really think you must share with her about your past and how that emotionally affected you. Wouldn't do that at the moment, while she is so far away. Later when you can sit down and be very open and honest, and just let it all out. My husband is by no means a sissy, but I have seen him break down many times early on which really gave me more of a perspective on his background. All about communication, if I don't know then I can't help to fix it, ya know? I can honestly compare my husband to that of a battered woman, when men are treated this way it is often ignored or they are referred to as a wimp. In reality all he ever did was give and give trying to make her happy, and she walked all over him.

I love that quote above, and must add that is exactly what I have done for myself in the past, and now work through it with him. Now just need him to see that he is as spectacular as I say he is!

[Cassie 8]

Kudos to the OP who started this thread, it's been very interesting reading!

J's been married before and sometimes that came up (trust issues, etc), but with a lot of talking we worked through it all. It was a new thing for J to have a spouse who actually wanted to spend time with him and do stuff together, so it took a while for him to absorb the fact that "hey! I'm not a bad husband!"

When it comes to past stuff, communication is the key. J knows all about my past, and I know his, and we've discussed it a lot, as a way to understand how those experiences have shaped us. If it looks like the topic is upsetting either one of us, we either stop it there, or work through it.

One of the first things we did when we were married was redo "the green room" -- the room that J's ex had painted green in honour of her favourite sport, football. Yeah, that was painted over pretty quickly. It's now a beautiful library and crafty room with hardwood floors and everything. When I went home last April to help my parents as my mom went through chemo, J did a "while you were out" on me and put down the floor, finished the painting and had everything done when i got back. It was the sweetest thing, made me cry.

When J's ex left, she took what she wanted and left a lot of personal stuff behind. J wanted to pitch it all, but a lot of it were personal childhood things and I wouldn't let him throw that kind of stuff away. We boxed it, contacted her, and she managed to pick it all up one day without having to see us in the process. I was kinda sad, I wanted to see her in person, just for kicks.

The ket to all of this is not focusing on the past, but focusing on the present and future.

[Sister Fracas 5]

I have never been concerned about what my wife did before we met and when she has asked me I just say "none ya". Past is past.

"none ya"...as in none of your business???

If that's what you mean...I don't understand that at all. It just make you look like you have something to hide. Why would you care if your wife knows what happened before you were married?

We've talked about past relationships, everything in our past....afterall they DO shape who we are as people now. As far as material things, we both have gifts, photos, maybe a few cards and we don't see anything wrong with it...it's not like we look at these things longingly for the past. I would never dream of asking him to get rid of some photos, just like he'd never dream of asking me to get rid of a necklace or something that had been given to me. And as ChasUK said, there's nothing wrong even with acknowledging that there were happy times in past relationships....neither of us dated anyone that was horrid...things just didn't work out, no biggie, no venom. So we moved on until we found each other, nothing to hide.

[Euro 3]

How can you have a future, when your past is still in your present

[Euro 3]

How can you have a future, when your past is still in your present

but its part of who you are as Fraces said...................some times its good to say........"This one time in band camp"

[Sister Fracas 5]

How can you have a future, when your past is still in your present

but its part of who you are as Fraces said...................some times its good to say........"This one time in band camp"

ummm... are you talking to yourself again mate?

[Euro 3]

How can you have a future, when your past is still in your present

but its part of who you are as Fraces said...................some times its good to say........"This one time in band camp"

ummm... are you talking to yourself again mate?

No band camp for me , far too many Triangle players, competition was fierce

[scumpi 0]

How can you have a future, when your past is still in your present

but its part of who you are as Fraces said...................some times its good to say........"This one time in band camp"

ummm... are you talking to yourself again mate?

..and she`s not the only one...welcome to the club A B) .

[Euro 3]

How can you have a future, when your past is still in your present

but its part of who you are as Fraces said...................some times its good to say........"This one time in band camp"

ummm... are you talking to yourself again mate?

..and she`s not the only one...welcome to the club A B) .

whats club A??

[Sister Fracas 5]

How can you have a future, when your past is still in your present

but its part of who you are as Fraces said...................some times its good to say........"This one time in band camp"

ummm... are you talking to yourself again mate?

..and she`s not the only one...welcome to the club A B) .

whats club A??

that's YOU...club Amanda...LOL

[Euro 3]

How can you have a future, when your past is still in your present

but its part of who you are as Fraces said...................some times its good to say........"This one time in band camp"

ummm... are you talking to yourself again mate?

..and she`s not the only one...welcome to the club A B) .

whats club A??

that's YOU...club Amanda...LOL

yet i never knew