How do you handle each other's pasts?

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Most of us have had previous relationships. Many of us have been married before and have children.

How do the two of you handle each other's pasts? Are there unspoken rules about what is not talked about?

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Nope - we talk about anything - the past is the past as far as prior relationships go - over n done with and nothing to do with US as we are NOW, so neither of care much about how many or whatever

(I would guess that true for most people? maybe I misunderstood what you were really asking??)

[JElsafty 0]

Totally open with each other regarding everything so there is no past, only a future.

[sugarcane 0]

Pasts? What pasts?

Well we personally like to keep the past where it belongs... in the PAST!!!

This is the present, and tomorrow is the future. Enjoy!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Nope - we talk about anything - the past is the past as far as prior relationships go - over n done with and nothing to do with US as we are NOW, so neither of care much about how many or whatever

(I would guess that true for most people? maybe I misunderstood what you were really asking??)

But do you think that some things, some details about your past, even though your spouse is asking you to share and you are willing to, that perhaps some of it is better not shared?

Hmmm...let me give an example: You and your spouse are rummaging through some of your boxes and he/she comes across a card. They ask you who the card is from. Do you tell them who it was from? Do you let them read it? Do you tell them that it was nothing and you planned to throw it away? For me, it would be hard to look at the card and especially if I was able to read it. I'd prefer the damn thing in the trash. The only exception I'd make is if my spouse had lost a loved one and then I could understand holding on to keepsakes, but other than that, I don't see any reason why she would keep a romantic token such as a card from her ex-boyfriend/husband.

[PlatyPius 5]

I don't know how I'd feel about that. I don't *think* I'd have a problem with it, but I wouldn't really know without being in that situation.

Sian's ex-fiance still comes around. He's half-owner of her house, and he mows the yard for her. He's very fond of Jordan, so he still sees him, too. I don't have a problem with it. I trust Sian completely, and know that she is mine and I am hers'. Obviously, their break up was amicable. They just grew apart. They were together 6 years, but weren't "really" together the last two years or so. They did their own thing, and weren't intimate in any way. I think they just decided that they made better friends than anything else.

Me, I still have some of these things.... cards from past girlfriends, etc. I'm a sentimental packrat. If Sian wanted me to get rid of them, however, I would. I don't think she would ask me to, however, as she isn't threatened by past girlfriends, female friends, etc. I'm really a lucky guy.

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Sure we have talked about our past early on. It never caused any difficulties, because for us our past is what has brought us together and makes us the couple that we are.

I did have the task of sorting through his boxes, mind you his ex wife packed those boxes and put things in there that in my opinion should have been thrown away. At the time finding cards she had given him during their marriage etc made me think she had placed them in there on purpose, and she likely did. They did not really trouble me. I did not throw them away myself, because that really wasn't my decision, after all they were his personal items. I stacked them seperately, and ask him to go out and finish sorting through what I had placed to the side. Needless to say he threw them away himself.

Also when he transferred all the data from his old pc to the one I use here at the house, there were many many photos with her in them. He told me to delete them, instead I placed them all on a disc and saved it for his children. There is a couple of photos I kept of their wedding day, which have Tim's parents in them as well. Tim's mother is deceased and since there are very few photos of her later in life I could not bare to delete these, I just try to avoid looking at the beast in her frilly white dress!

I just don't feel there is a reason to worry about ones past, because there is a reason that they are no longer with that person and are now with you. The way I see it, I owe his ex many thanks for making and moulding him into what he is now, and most of all for not loving him enough and giving me the opportunity to find him!

[PlatyPius 5]

Sure we have talked about our past early on. It never caused any difficulties, because for us our past is what has brought us together and makes us the couple that we are.

I did have the task of sorting through his boxes, mind you his ex wife packed those boxes and put things in there that in my opinion should have been thrown away. At the time finding cards she had given him during their marriage etc made me think she had placed them in there on purpose, and she likely did. They did not really trouble me. I did not throw them away myself, because that really wasn't my decision, after all they were his personal items. I stacked them seperately, and ask him to go out and finish sorting through what I had placed to the side. Needless to say he threw them away himself.

Also when he transferred all the data from his old pc to the one I use here at the house, there were many many photos with her in them. He told me to delete them, instead I placed them all on a disc and saved it for his children. There is a couple of photos I kept of their wedding day, which have Tim's parents in them as well. Tim's mother is deceased and since there are very few photos of her later in life I could not bare to delete these, I just try to avoid looking at the beast in her frilly white dress!

I just don't feel there is a reason to worry about ones past, because there is a reason that they are no longer with that person and are now with you. The way I see it, I owe his ex many thanks for making and moulding him into what he is now, and most of all for not loving him enough and giving me the opportunity to find him!

He's a lucky guy - not everyone would be so thoughtful or considerate. Sounds like the two of you form a good partnership.

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Sure we have talked about our past early on. It never caused any difficulties, because for us our past is what has brought us together and makes us the couple that we are.

I did have the task of sorting through his boxes, mind you his ex wife packed those boxes and put things in there that in my opinion should have been thrown away. At the time finding cards she had given him during their marriage etc made me think she had placed them in there on purpose, and she likely did. They did not really trouble me. I did not throw them away myself, because that really wasn't my decision, after all they were his personal items. I stacked them seperately, and ask him to go out and finish sorting through what I had placed to the side. Needless to say he threw them away himself.

Also when he transferred all the data from his old pc to the one I use here at the house, there were many many photos with her in them. He told me to delete them, instead I placed them all on a disc and saved it for his children. There is a couple of photos I kept of their wedding day, which have Tim's parents in them as well. Tim's mother is deceased and since there are very few photos of her later in life I could not bare to delete these, I just try to avoid looking at the beast in her frilly white dress!

I just don't feel there is a reason to worry about ones past, because there is a reason that they are no longer with that person and are now with you. The way I see it, I owe his ex many thanks for making and moulding him into what he is now, and most of all for not loving him enough and giving me the opportunity to find him!

He's a lucky guy - not everyone would be so thoughtful or considerate. Sounds like the two of you form a good partnership.

Nah I am a lucky gal!

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

For me, I find it very hard to be living in the same house that Ian had with his ex for 18 years, and sleeping in the same bed. But, I also understand and appreciate the fact that when she left him, she left credit card bill debts that he had NO clue about as they were in her name and she hid them from him. Like some states in America, over here in the UK, all debts that were made during marriage are both parties responsibility. Then on top of having to help pay off 12,000 £ worth of debt he had to pay her off 55,000£ as a settlement even tho she was the one that left him and cheated on him for 8 years. Bottom line, I understand that he didn't have the financial means to get a new bed. Pictures of just him and her...well I don't feel that he should have them out of respect for us. I mean if you say that you hate her that much, then why hold onto them right? THey have been tossed in the bin. She tries to creep into his life yes. She even talks to me through her son on msn and tells me that if she couldn't have a dog when she was with Ian, then neither can I..LMFAO..yeah right..we will see about that one! She hates the fact that he has moved on and has gotten remarried and BEFORE HER lol. She expected him to stay single and pine over her for the rest of his life...she actually said this to Ians granmother ...with whom she still cleans house for even after what she did to IAN!!

I see what you are saying Steve and I have to say...it isn't easy but I know that Ian loves me and he chose me. I trust him with my life and I know that he is working hard to get his house sold so we can move to America. I don't get upset with him, but I do get upset when his ex pulls her shite.

Laura Mitchell

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

I think it is easy to get upset at an ex's actions, but not at the material things your SO shared with that person. I have belongings that were given by my ex, or purchased when we were married, I don't look at these items and think of the past. A bed, yeah that would be tough to deal with because of the intimate moments couples share in the bedroom, I would say paint it or something to make it more your own. Tim had a couple of items, that I had to live with while over there with him I didn't despise them because they were once hers, but because her taste was atrocious not items I would ever want in my home. Items I would not and did not share, was any type of linens, that would be like wearing the womans clothing lol. I purchased new sheets and towels.

[gwenneh 7]

How do we handle it? Talk.

I mean, let's be serious. I made my way through college on the *ahem* "Adult Entertainment Scholarship", a legacy in print and film which I cannot deny or hide from people who are close to me. It's something that we have *had* to talk about, that we talk about every time to comes up-as I still get checks from various related projects, it comes up quite a bit. He doesn't like it, but accepts that it's my past. And I accept that he doesn't like it and we need to confront these issues, not pretend they don't exist.

And he, well, is a "rock star" prototype-long hair, good looks, successful band, horde of groupies. I am told that in the past he could be quite the ladies' man (though not as bad as some of the others in the band!) and there were a few bruised feelings when he and I met and eventually decided to get married. We deal with these issues by being very open and honest about it. We went into this relationship on honest terms and neither of us has any reason to suspect the other of hiding information, so when we talk, we can take it at face value. We've talked a lot about both of our pasts-when he came to visit me last June, we stayed with my ex-fiancee, so it's not exactly something we have ever avoided.

A long rambling reply! It boils down to a wllingness to have absolute faith in the other person and a willingness to discuss even uncomfortable topics, exploring why they are uncomfortable and working on solutions.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Nope - we talk about anything - the past is the past as far as prior relationships go - over n done with and nothing to do with US as we are NOW, so neither of care much about how many or whatever

(I would guess that true for most people? maybe I misunderstood what you were really asking??)

But do you think that some things, some details about your past, even though your spouse is asking you to share and you are willing to, that perhaps some of it is better not shared?

Hmmm...let me give an example: You and your spouse are rummaging through some of your boxes and he/she comes across a card. They ask you who the card is from. Do you tell them who it was from? Do you let them read it? Do you tell them that it was nothing and you planned to throw it away? For me, it would be hard to look at the card and especially if I was able to read it. I'd prefer the damn thing in the trash. The only exception I'd make is if my spouse had lost a loved one and then I could understand holding on to keepsakes, but other than that, I don't see any reason why she would keep a romantic token such as a card from her ex-boyfriend/husband.

Per your example - they could read whatever they wanted - as long as they asked (lol) and I'd be quite happy to trash it after as well if they wanted me to; or if I could see it caused them any problems/bad thoughts/whatever. Photos I'd be loathe to dump cos they are kinda memory-linked but if it was an issue (which I doubt it would be) I'd dump them too as they are less important to me than my SO's peace of mind.

[Laura_and_IanM 0]

How do we handle it? Talk.

I mean, let's be serious. I made my way through college on the *ahem* "Adult Entertainment Scholarship", a legacy in print and film which I cannot deny or hide from people who are close to me. It's something that we have *had* to talk about, that we talk about every time to comes up-as I still get checks from various related projects, it comes up quite a bit. He doesn't like it, but accepts that it's my past. And I accept that he doesn't like it and we need to confront these issues, not pretend they don't exist.

And he, well, is a "rock star" prototype-long hair, good looks, successful band, horde of groupies. I am told that in the past he could be quite the ladies' man (though not as bad as some of the others in the band!) and there were a few bruised feelings when he and I met and eventually decided to get married. We deal with these issues by being very open and honest about it. We went into this relationship on honest terms and neither of us has any reason to suspect the other of hiding information, so when we talk, we can take it at face value. We've talked a lot about both of our pasts-when he came to visit me last June, we stayed with my ex-fiancee, so it's not exactly something we have ever avoided.

A long rambling reply! It boils down to a wllingness to have absolute faith in the other person and a willingness to discuss even uncomfortable topics, exploring why they are uncomfortable and working on solutions.

Yes, talking is a wonderful thing. But when you have an ex that has to still be present for sake of children, and you are living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, then yes, it makes if very hard. I have had to learn to let things go and I just keep remembering that eventually, we will be starting our new life together in America and we will be able to purchase things together that will be "ours". Even Ian's own family tells me that him and I will be much better once we are away from his ex because they know what she is like. TO give you a better idea of what she is like, she would go to Ian's dad's house for party's or what have you and she would tell Ian's dad...guess who has no Knickers and bra on today???? What sort of woman does that???? AND TO YOUR FATHER IN LAW. This same woman even after she was out of the house and moved in with her lover, would still come around asking Ian for sex. So yes, lol I do have a big problem with this lady. Again, I know that Ian is faithful to me and loves me so it has nothing to do with him. It's just the total lack of respect for our marriage that this woman has. Bottom line, and Ian's dad has to remind me this over and over is that she likes to think that she still has a hold over Ian. If she had, then there was no way he would have been able to move on because Ian isn't like that. It's one of those things about him that I hate but also admire, he thinks about everything and is a man of his word. A man of honour. It's a good thing yes, but can also be a downfall when it comes to him telling a m8 he will help him out but doesn't take time for us lol. grrrrrrrrrrrr MEN!!

[rebeccajo 14]

Hm...I've experienced about all of the above except for the 'adult entertainment/rock star' examples....*waves to Gwennie*

My husband had a girlfriend who did pass away. He brought a couple of little trinkets she had given him when he moved here, and in fact they are on his desk here at the house. I think it's honorable that he kept them.

He had a load of letters in his house that I found when I was there (we were pulling out stuff from closets to decide what to keep and what to toss). There were 'pen-pal' letters that I really didn't enjoy seeing and was frankly annoyed about - I only read one and it looked like more than friendship to me. I was upset BUT only because I felt he hadn't been honest with me with about his past relationships. We had a row about it and....the result?

He pitched everything while I was away from the house. Including a CD that another past girlfriend had made with her band. And I really wanted to hear her music, and had wanted him to bring the CD over with him (he loves music). I never intended for him to get rid of such a sentimental object.

I think we have to remember that our SO's had a life before us and try to respect the boundaries of memory that go along with that. Hindsight being 20/20 I wished I had kept my mouth shut. After all, we WERE there that day to throw things away....

I've also got a child with my ex-husband, and that IS the hold he has on me. It will never ever go away. Somedays I don't know how Wes deals with all the baggage that goes along with that hold. He's very understanding of it and I'm ever so grateful. At the moment we are in the process of selling the home I lived in with my first husband, and as part of the move I will be selling off my first wedding dress (presently in a box under the sofa). As for pictures of my first husband, I don't feel I can throw those out. I keep them for our son.

Everybody has a history. Just try and respect it.