Animal Jokes

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Fish

There were two fish in a tank.

One said to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

BEARS

A lawyer, who was quite wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him, and the friend, eager to get something free from a lawyer, agreed.

Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.

His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Why did you do that?" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that -

(wait for it....) the Czech was in the male?!

MONKEY

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little #######. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."

[ladyspotthedog 0]

[one...two...tree 2,762]

WARNING - this one's a bit raunchy.

One day a horny little ant is crawling around the forest and finds an elephant caught in a trap. The ant tells the elephant he'll get her out, but only if she lets him #### her. The elephant, thinks yeah right and says ok, and the ant frees her. The ant climbs up and starts f*cking like crazy. The elephant justs stand there waiting for the ant to get done when a coconut falls and hits the elephant on the head. The elephant lets out a loud moan and the ant says "that's right, you take it ALL bi*ch!"

[tomica52 0]

LOL

[ChristinaM 0]