Cultural differences and Weddings

[Sandrila 1]

Aha! The sisters/sisters-in-law are the ones causing issues?

With my first husband, after it was finally accepted that we were marrying, I was invited over for dinner with the whole extended family. One by one, the sisters sat with me to chit-chat. Some questions were rather pointed about my past or my beliefs or my career wants. The sister questioning would get her answer, she'd excuse herself and run into the kitchen where other family members were waiting [including my soon to be mother-in-law] and give them the low down on my answer. Then, a new sister/sister-in-law/cousin would come out with another topic. The next few weeks/months, my answers, reactions, actions, anything I did was dealt with similarly. Sometimes it got back to my then-fiance. Sometimes it didn't.

Some of the things that caused concerns were merely misunderstandings on why I did things the way I did them. Those would clear up over time. I was looked at as nuts when I said I didn't put a capful of bleach in the sink when I would wash dishes by hand. EVERYONE in their family did that. It was a big to-do for a while. Or how I folded laundry or the food I would cook or the fact I went to my high school prom or that I'd ever worn a bathing suit at the beach...the list went from the trivial to more important things. What bothered me was that I felt constantly judged. Then I realized that I had nothing to be ashamed of from my past. AND, that their judgement didn't matter to me. Life was much, much easier after that.

The behind-the-back talking will happen. Unless someone is telling your fiance something helpful and objective about - oh say your safety while there, that you really shouldn't wear chartruese, that it's time to up the arabic lessons [i could tell you stories about mixing up words that really REALLY shouldn't be mixed up] - let it slide.

Personally, I would avoid talking about relationship stuff with any in-law. Leave that to your friends and your family. Your side of things will always be the wrong side of things - you won't get objective advice and it will get back to your fiance.

Hey Milo

I never in my life had such a hard time with initiation as I did when I was engaged to past fiance in India!

My GOD! It was truly nerve wracking and boy did they test me. It was upsetting too. I had some of them say things to me I couldn't believe and just lumping me into the same group as all American women. Typical.

But you know what in the end, they loved me. I know exactly what you mean too, the incessant question and answer and being judged. Still I have such an affinity for that place and their people.

Edited June 16, 2009 by Sandrila

[catknit 144]

It's funny - it's been night and day different with the MENA family [all the questions, the sisters in law all over every word and etc etc] and the Indian family.

My fiance's family is beyond laid back, no judgements, no questions, just happy that he's happy.

I had a constant barrage of ####### from the MENA family - yelling, screaming, hang up phone calls, hours long lectures on how my beliefs were wrong and begging me not to marry their son...ALL sorts of drama. Oh, nevermind the begging to convert too.

My soon-to-be-inlaws in India are an absolute DREAM compared to what I went thru the first go around.

[catknit 144]

Oh and I changed my name last night - it is the former Milo!

[chaishai 1]

I don't know if this is in the right place...Anyway, I am new here at VJ and Iam engaged to a lebanese guy. Right now Iam in lebanon and we are trying to get married here but its a long process. Anyway, we finally received my certificate of no marriage records from Florida today and now we have to plan our wedding. We didn't plan it before because the government kept requesting documents and stalling the marriage process and so far its been three months of waiting. Ok, here is the problem we cannot have a small wedding here because people here see it as an insult if you don't invite them to the wedding and so far we have counted 75+ people and 90% of them I do not even know. We have to invite all of his aunts and uncles, their children and if they have kids their children...which is crazy. Weddings here are not about the bride and groom but rather the family and to socialize....My family cannot afford the $1500+ to get here so no one from my side will be here. Its just a little annoying, I have never wanted a large wedding rather I wanted something small and intimate with family and friends. I have discussed this with his family and they don't seem to understand at all nor care.....all they care about is the family name. Most of these people we will never see again since I will file for him once I return to the states and I don't plan on coming back here these people have put me through enough hell. Its just hard seeing your dreams crushed by other people, I guess. So right now our options are go to the courthouse and get married there (No wedding or party), have a small party with just his family (his siblings don't even want us together, his brother suggested that he marry a lebanese model with blond eyes and blue hair), have a huge wedding and invite all of his family ( I don't even know how we will pay for this) on top of being surrounded by all of these people whom I have never met in my life. Any suggestions would be great

I didnt read all of your responses but it might not just be about the family name. It is just part of their culture and they might not want to miss the opportunity. I know israel is different than surrounding countries but in many ways it is the same. Israelis through HUGE weddings. I was married there and 350 attended of which at the time I knew about 30 of them - now maybe i know 50. 10 people came to the US from my side. So yes it was nice to have people with me but I actually really enjoyed it, it is just a great big fun party. We also did something in the US, and you can too - in the way that YOU want so you still get your dreams. Also why do you think you will never see his family again? Once he is GC you can go back to visit? We go back quite often to visit.

In terms of how they pay for it, if it is like israel you do not pay upfront - and all of the guests give cash as gifts. The wedding planners help you work it so that you will worst case scenario break even, best case scenario get to keep some of the leftover gift money. Our wedding in Israel cost about $25 K and we took home $2 K. I didnt expect that at all!

[chaishai 1]

Just curious, how do deal with your in-laws..especially the siblings? They are the non-confrontational types who talk behind your back and smile in your face. I have tried to address some cultural misunderstandings but they don't seem to get it. They will not talk to me about any of their issues but rather run and tell their husbands and their husband's tell my fiance. It makes no sense to me...especially when ur trying to have a honest conversation about your feelings.

my view is that your fiance needs to lay down the law with your SILs and not accept the behavior. two out of three of my husbands sisters and my MIL are the BIGGEST drama queens EVER and they are ALWAYS having issues with my husbands brothers wives who live there but none of them will ever mess with me ever because my husband is the alpha male in the family and doesnt tolerate #######. i have been with him for 12 years and spent ALOT of time with that family and i have never had any real issues (not that things dont annoy me) and i think its because they know they cant get away with it and need to keep it to themselves.

maybe instead of trying to communicate your feelings you should just have your husband nip it in the bud in arabic.

[chaishai 1]

blond eyes and blue hair

Ok, ur not Arab, so you don't get this, but family is the end all and be all of our lives. You need to learn to get along with your man's family because if he has to choose between you and them, I'll bet big that he will choose them. It's too bad that you're facing so much resistance. Personally, that would give me pause.

Still, usually, money is saved for a big wedding from the time a child is small. You two haven't done it, so if they want the big to-do, they need to pay for it. If they pay for it, they run it. They'd run it anyway, but they'll run it even more if they pay for it. If they won't pay for it, they get what they get.

Long story, short, if you can do it, just do it. You'll be better off in the long run coz it's one less mark against you.

this is a very good point. my husband is not arab, although he is moroccan jew - but family is EVERYTHING and if i pushed back on family, said we werent going back to visit, didnt let his family celebrate his wedding, i would have been OUT! even now i have to be careful if he goes on a long venting tirade about his mom if i chime in i will get the "thats my family" look

[Y's_habibitk 2]

maybe instead of trying to communicate your feelings you should just have your husband nip it in the bud in arabic.

agreed