Cultural differences and Weddings

[HoneyandSonny 0]

Does one need actual wedding pictures if you file for a K-3 visa? If we do the courthouse thing will that be enough?

[AlHayatZween 2]

Any kind of photographic evidence is a good idea...

Even if it's just you in a nice outfit & your husband, taking pictures outside of the courthouse... So on his interview, he can say, look this is when we got married...

[Donna A 4]

well after i got over laughing over the image i saw with him marrying a model with blonde eyes and blue hair i came back to reality.

its ur wedding. do what u and him want to do!!! if they are offended they will either get over it or hold it against u forever in which u dont like them anyway so no skin off ur teeth. he is one of them so they will forgive him if he dont do what they want.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Does one need actual wedding pictures if you file for a K-3 visa? If we do the courthouse thing will that be enough?

To FILE for k3..not so much, but at the interview yes.

The only evidence at all that the officer was concerned about at my husbands interview was the wedding party photos WITH FAMILY.

[100% Al Ahly Fan 53]

You can look at this a couple of ways:

#1 - Do the big party. Wear the dress, plaster a smile on your face and just grin and bear it. It's just a one time thing.

It may seem like a lot and the fact that you've been there a while [?] you are most likely in the throws of culture shock as well as pre-wedding jitters, etc etc. I get not wanting to be around people you don't know and that it will feel like a gigantic dog and pony show to you. But, it will be a huge step in family diplomacy. You never know when you may need to lean on his family for something...I'd highly suggest not burning any bridges. Even if you think you'll never go back or that he'll never go back - you just don't know what may happen in the future.

Keep in mind that in the US you can have your intimate wedding and reception. Relationships are a matter of compromise/give and take. Sometimes you have to put up with things you both don't like.

#2 - do only the court marriage but be prepared for the backlash.

Family name is huge is the MidEast. HUGE. Did I mention HUGE???? Being the quirky couple that doesn't do what is expected will label you. If the two of you are ok with the backlash, then go with only the court marriage.

About the family wanting him to be with someone else - go to the MENA forum. You'll get support there. But, having been with a MENA man [though born and raised in the US] for 10 years - there were complexities in the family dynamics that can be beyond comprehension to the "typical" american. Warranted or not, in my experience the family feels that there is someone perfect/better/prettier/smarter/richer out there than the woman he's brought home. I'm not sure if that's because they didn't have a hand in choosing the wife or just typical family ego issues "My son [brother/nephew] could do better....". But, after the marriage, those comments dropped significantly - a sort of acceptance was finally bestowed to the relationship. Just think of it has hurdles you need to jump to be together.

Agreed.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

The MENA man and his family usually pay for the wedding. We had 100-200 people attend ours. You may have it at the home, in a hall in a mosque, or in the street where the celebration may take place. If you have an oppurtunity to attend a wedding over there I suggest going for observation so you get an idea what it is like. When the family doesn't have a bunch of money to serve food to all the guests then they hold the one hour queit celebration in the hall in the Mosque where the sheik speaks to the people and you both say I give myself as a husband or I give myself as a wife before Allah and these people. Then you have chocolates, pepsi and cakes. Lots of pictures are taken so smile and be the bride you are. The best part is being the bride and getting your hair and makeup done and wearing the dress. I am not sure how it goes for brides in Lebanon but some said that it's like Morocco and those are usually held at home with several dress changes and henna and food provided. It's really fun and it's your day.

As for the issues with the family let it go. They are becoming your family now with your impending marriage. Try to embrace them and show your kindness and that will shine through. Consider the source of your information and their intentions but let it slide as the challange to communicate effectively is large right now. As for the belief that you will never see these people again I have to tell you this is a misconception and won't serve you well at all. My in-laws call weekly to check on us and him. They will want to see their grandkids if we have any inshallah as I assume yours will as well. So if you plan to live in the US they will either be coming there to see you or you will be making trips to Lebanon more frequently then you previously thought. For certain he will making trips home for homesickness. If you're uncomfortable with the culture that is understandable as it opossite in so many ways to what we know here. From the ways the language is written to the way we turn on light switches it seems everything is a mirror image of itself in that order and will take a period of adjustment till you reach acceptance. This family wedding celebration is the way they know how to accept you into the family there.

One thing I learned is that if you recieve money as a gift at your wedding then you are supposed to take the name and write it in a book and write the amount you recieved so that at a later date such as that persons wedding or birth of a child or other significant life event you may try to return the exact amount or a little bit more. This is the give and take of relationships over there. Remember everyone is coming to see you that day so smile and stand tall with your shoulders back because it may only be one day but a picture lasts forever.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

blond eyes and blue hair

Ok, ur not Arab, so you don't get this, but family is the end all and be all of our lives. You need to learn to get along with your man's family because if he has to choose between you and them, I'll bet big that he will choose them. It's too bad that you're facing so much resistance. Personally, that would give me pause.

Still, usually, money is saved for a big wedding from the time a child is small. You two haven't done it, so if they want the big to-do, they need to pay for it. If they pay for it, they run it. They'd run it anyway, but they'll run it even more if they pay for it. If they won't pay for it, they get what they get.

Long story, short, if you can do it, just do it. You'll be better off in the long run coz it's one less mark against you.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

TALK TO HIM GET his input and decide together, i didnt have the big thing and his family seemed just fine, we had a small party the next day with just few family, ate etc. Even tho married his family will remain the focus of his life, i dont think anyone can ever replace there moms so you need to get along

[doodlebugg 10]

This is the first in a long list of compromises you will have to make in the next fifty to sixty years, God willing. Wait till the kids come and they want to name them! If there is money to do it, suck it up and have the big wedding. It's not all about you, even though we grow up thinking it's "our special day" here in the US, you're in a different culture now.

As for the inlaws that's luck of the draw. My first husband's sisters were royal b!tches and still are today. I hated them with a passion and counted down the minutes till I could leave the family gatherings. Usama's sisters are like a dream. They were nicer to me than my own family and I wish to God we could bring them both here but maybe someday.

Maybe you could just stay engaged for a while and file the K-1 when you get home? It almost sounds like you need some time away from it all to think things through. You definitely marry a family when you get married and I'm sure he'll be visiting Lebanon in the years to come, especially if you have children. You need to think if this is really for you or not, you know? Good luck!

[CasandraYounes 0]

I was involved in a similar situation as yours....There was just too much drama involved that was unnecessary. One thing you do have to take into account is that due to the language barrier, there may be some misunderstandings. Like many have said in this forum, you are now being married to his family as well and there are some compromises that you have to make. Even when he comes to the states, his culture stays with him and he is not going to want to feel torn between the two.

As for your wedding, if it is like Morocco, the family wants a wedding celebration. Sometimes big, sometimes small and in many cases the man is expected to pay. Something small seems like an insult, but it all depends on preference. I had an engagement party and I knew only 5% of the people (his immediate family and my stepmother that lives in Morocco) no one else. I know it may seem like you are wasting the money, but the experience in itself is liberating to know that you are celebrating that day with your fiancee. It doesn't have to be all out, do it the way you guys can afford it, but it would be nice, especially to show your family. Seriously talk to him about this and your feelings and see what he thinks about the issue because you two are in this together.

As far as evidence goes, it is always nice to show pictures of a wedding.

[Kenza 1]

I was involved in a similar situation as yours....There was just too much drama involved that was unnecessary. One thing you do have to take into account is that due to the language barrier, there may be some misunderstandings. Like many have said in this forum, you are now being married to his family as well and there are some compromises that you have to make. Even when he comes to the states, his culture stays with him and he is not going to want to feel torn between the two.

As for your wedding, if it is like Morocco, the family wants a wedding celebration. Sometimes big, sometimes small and in many cases the man is expected to pay. Something small seems like an insult, but it all depends on preference. I had an engagement party and I knew only 5% of the people (his immediate family and my stepmother that lives in Morocco) no one else. I know it may seem like you are wasting the money, but the experience in itself is liberating to know that you are celebrating that day with your fiancee. It doesn't have to be all out, do it the way you guys can afford it, but it would be nice, especially to show your family. Seriously talk to him about this and your feelings and see what he thinks about the issue because you two are in this together.

As far as evidence goes, it is always nice to show pictures of a wedding.

In Morocco at least, there is always drama

[Ihavequestions 419]

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, can top my husband's family as far as being a$$holes go. If you opened your dictionary and looked up "piece of work" you would see his family tree. Yes, they are THAT bad. His sisters live on the "white is right" train and a blonde haired, light eyed, white skinned addition only made them look darker - and faker. Add to that a western passport and a top of the line education and they only made themselves feel more degraded. Neither of them have been exactly nice to me.

This is in spite of their own outright disgusting husbands. One of them called her friend to announce he wanted a divorce. It never occurred to any of these rocket scientists that men don't call women just to tell them they want a divorce but that they use that as a reason to call a woman. Nor did it ever occur to them a guy like that has always been a guy like that and will always be a guy like that. The other quite likely has another wife in the United States but Princess is more than happy to turn a blind eye to the reasons he gives her for never taking her to America (this year I will) or why he's never taken an American citizenship (America doesn't give citizenships to people who used to work on farms) because she now has a European Union passport and that's what really matters.

It took their selfishness prior to his mother's recent death for him to finally get it. He hasn't spoken to them since. I'm not holding my breath, though, because there will come a day when they want something (and they always do) and they'll call to patch things up.

No, these money grubbing wenches are somehow, some way, above me in both status and stature because they're FAAAAAAAAAAAAAMILY.

If you think you have it bad, trade me for one day and you'll see how bad it can be.

Here's my advice: Buck up, let them have it their way, and move on. You aren't going to change them or their attitudes, so let them have their day.

I do have a question for you. You've already been there three months. How close are you to having enough residency time so that you can file DCF?

[Sandrila 1]

Honey we went thru a lot of red tape too in Morocco. At one point I wasn't sure the stupid judge, court clerk (whoever)

would even sign the paper. It was running around to one place after the other, tons of paperwork and documents and every time we had exactly what he wanted, he wanted more!

Maddening but we got through it.

See I am opposite of you. I wanted a bigger to do. Hubby first wedding and since he is ethnic I wanted to have a Moroccan/Islamic wedding. Didn't get it. We have planned to commerate it here also. He is here 7 months and still no wedding. Money has alot to do with it on both ends. I guess that do what you both come to agree on.

It is your day not anyone else's and quite frankly if I had heard that brother's comment I would not want to have the family partake of any of it! That is a very mean thing to say.

[Sandrila 1]

another point I might add on the bitterness and tension toward family issues.

First of all you can't touch HIS family. most of the time even if he has bad blood with them you can't say a word about it. Alot of times that will come to YOU vs THEM and most of the times, sadly the family will win. They are very close with their family.

Believe me one minute he hates his evil sister and the next they are so close and loving.

WHATEVER!

[Sandrila 1]

Just curious, how do deal with your in-laws..especially the siblings? They are the non-confrontational types who talk behind your back and smile in your face. I have tried to address some cultural misunderstandings but they don't seem to get it. They will not talk to me about any of their issues but rather run and tell their husbands and their husband's tell my fiance. It makes no sense to me...especially when ur trying to have a honest conversation about your feelings.

ah you might want to learn quickly not to be confrontational, AT ALL!

It's all about respect and with a language barrier alot of things said by you could very well be taken the wrong way even if you didn't mean it to be.