Cultural differences and Weddings

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Moving this to MENA for more region-specific replies, as suggested above.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Moving this to MENA for more region-specific replies, as suggested above.

Thanks!

[trinket 30]

I don't hate the Lebanese culture, its just that is been hell and I have seen alot of ugly in this culture. There is alot that has gone on behind the scenes that made me dislike his family especially his siblings.

Why do you care really? Every family and culture has those bad apples. I say ** it and enjoy. You are marrying someone from their family and your husband will surely like to keep a relationship with them forever. Trust me, you would't want to hear things 20 years from now on about how you blew up the wedding ceremony and all that. Its just one day affair, not like your life is endangered or something, so enjoy it.

Well if the big wedding would cost a lot of $$ that the couple could use for other things, then perhaps it is something to care about. I don't know how much these things cost in other countries, and I'm sure that the cost is not as outrageous as a big wedding here in the States, but I'm thinking that it could still be a sum that is no laughing matter. So if it is a choice between a big-fat 'Lebanese' wedding and having $$ to go on an all-expense paid honeymoon (for example) I would opt for the latter. But it is as *Laura* said, you cannot remove your future husband from the culture into which he was born and raised....and it is something that the two of you have to discuss and agree upon.

If he is insisting, and can afford it, then I agree w/ trinket '** it and enjoy' yourself.

-P

Well me saying "why do you care" was about OP's statement that she doesn't like SO's siblings and family members.

[AlHayatZween 2]

There is good, bad and ugly in every country and in every family.

This is the truth!!

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

There is good, bad and ugly in every country and in every family.

This is the truth!!

i know... I was thinking about my own family and who is the good, the bad and ugly! lol

[AlHayatZween 2]

There is good, bad and ugly in every country and in every family.

This is the truth!!

i know... I was thinking about my own family and who is the good, the bad and ugly! lol

me, too!

[Minya's wife 24]

Yeah I know when he comes back to the states we can have the wedding of our dreams...Iam just wondering when that will be. He had voluntary departure from the US last year (he only overstayed by 1 month and so far he's been denied a student visa twice) ...Iam sure it will take almost two years before he can come home. It just sucks....

I thought overstaying a visa meant that you cant come back to the US, or IF it is possible its a heck of a ordeal?!

I thought a ban on re-entering is triggered when you overstay by 180 days- 1 year, and then it is a 3 year ban. Over a year of staying past the visa is a 10 year ban.

The fact that he's been denied for a student visa may just be that his course of studies, for which he was applying for a student visa was not deemed 'approvable' for the visa. Student visas are not fool-proof...and the denial of the visa may not have anything to do with his overstay, unless he was told at the time of the denial that it was because of the overstay.

[catknit 144]

If there are major financial concerns that may be a valid argument for something smaller and more intimate. You'd have to broach it very, very carefully. No implying that he can't take care of you financially and needing the money for that or that the family doesn't have the money for the wedding - more that in the broad picture you are looking at x, y, z happening and you want to be responsible and let everyone have something they want. It may work.

BUT, don't be surprised if the family still pushes for something big because of the aforementioned want to show friends/family/neighbors/random people on the street that they can host a huge wedding party.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I woudl say just deal with it. You will please 75+ people AND make your husbands life easier by not having to deal with family conflict if you refuse the large wedding. Its one day of your life.

One thing you said struck me: "Most of these people we will never see again since I will file for him once I return to the states and I don't plan on coming back here these people have put me through enough hell."

and I just wanted to say that your husband might not feel this way always. He will eventually want to return home to visit his family, Im sure.

Better to sacrifice one day/night of your life to appease a whoel family and save a big headache for you and your husband later.

[faryan 4]

Sorry OP but i agree with trinket. I know u must be stressing out with all the dramas of a huge wedding reception etc. But marriage is more than just a wedding for u and your hubby to be. So Id say, just let the family in Lebanon handle it and you just be the person being hmmm celebrated, the queen of the occasion in fact. You might hate the idea of being paraded and having people you dont know surround you, but maybe to them (the guests) they are there to welcome you into their fold, plus all the pictures you get to see and look back on (and for your future kids, if u want some, who will be from mixed heritage and will very much appreciate having something to learn from re that part of their identity) It's pretty much the same with our receptions back home in Malaysia. In fact, we usually have more than just one receptions. Bride side, groom side, for friends etc. Most of the time its just an excuse to have a big family and friends gathering, and the occasion of your wedding is just a very good excuse to have the get together.. It is also the time that you can see people's weaknesses/strengths. Indeed family can fracture during these time! But most will get stronger rather than crumble. You may not like them when they are like that, but hey, you are going to live in the US away from most of them most of the time When your hubby-to-be's visa is ready and you guys finally be together again in US soil, will be nice to have another gathering just the way you want it and with your own friends and family there instead.

[HoneyandSonny 0]

If he would have overstayed his visa by 180 days then he would have a three year ban, his violation was less than 6 months so he can return.

[HoneyandSonny 0]

Just curious, how do deal with your in-laws..especially the siblings? They are the non-confrontational types who talk behind your back and smile in your face. I have tried to address some cultural misunderstandings but they don't seem to get it. They will not talk to me about any of their issues but rather run and tell their husbands and their husband's tell my fiance. It makes no sense to me...especially when ur trying to have a honest conversation about your feelings.

[AlHayatZween 2]

Just curious, how do deal with your in-laws..especially the siblings? They are the non-confrontational types who talk behind your back and smile in your face. I have tried to address some cultural misunderstandings but they don't seem to get it. They will not talk to me about any of their issues but rather run and tell their husbands and their husband's tell my fiance. It makes no sense to me...especially when ur trying to have a honest conversation about your feelings.

It can be tough sometimes.

Do you speak Arabic or do they speak English? Or do you share any common language?

[catknit 144]

Aha! The sisters/sisters-in-law are the ones causing issues?

With my first husband, after it was finally accepted that we were marrying, I was invited over for dinner with the whole extended family. One by one, the sisters sat with me to chit-chat. Some questions were rather pointed about my past or my beliefs or my career wants. The sister questioning would get her answer, she'd excuse herself and run into the kitchen where other family members were waiting [including my soon to be mother-in-law] and give them the low down on my answer. Then, a new sister/sister-in-law/cousin would come out with another topic. The next few weeks/months, my answers, reactions, actions, anything I did was dealt with similarly. Sometimes it got back to my then-fiance. Sometimes it didn't.

Some of the things that caused concerns were merely misunderstandings on why I did things the way I did them. Those would clear up over time. I was looked at as nuts when I said I didn't put a capful of bleach in the sink when I would wash dishes by hand. EVERYONE in their family did that. It was a big to-do for a while. Or how I folded laundry or the food I would cook or the fact I went to my high school prom or that I'd ever worn a bathing suit at the beach...the list went from the trivial to more important things. What bothered me was that I felt constantly judged. Then I realized that I had nothing to be ashamed of from my past. AND, that their judgement didn't matter to me. Life was much, much easier after that.

The behind-the-back talking will happen. Unless someone is telling your fiance something helpful and objective about - oh say your safety while there, that you really shouldn't wear chartruese, that it's time to up the arabic lessons [i could tell you stories about mixing up words that really REALLY shouldn't be mixed up] - let it slide.

Personally, I would avoid talking about relationship stuff with any in-law. Leave that to your friends and your family. Your side of things will always be the wrong side of things - you won't get objective advice and it will get back to your fiance.

Edited June 15, 2009 by milo75

[HoneyandSonny 0]

Just curious, how do deal with your in-laws..especially the siblings? They are the non-confrontational types who talk behind your back and smile in your face. I have tried to address some cultural misunderstandings but they don't seem to get it. They will not talk to me about any of their issues but rather run and tell their husbands and their husband's tell my fiance. It makes no sense to me...especially when ur trying to have a honest conversation about your feelings.

It can be tough sometimes.

Do you speak Arabic or do they speak English? Or do you share any common language?

No my arabic is rather limited....I am trying to learn the language. My in-laws do speak english but its a little limited