Cultural differences and Weddings

[HoneyandSonny 0]

I don't know if this is in the right place...Anyway, I am new here at VJ and Iam engaged to a lebanese guy. Right now Iam in lebanon and we are trying to get married here but its a long process. Anyway, we finally received my certificate of no marriage records from Florida today and now we have to plan our wedding. We didn't plan it before because the government kept requesting documents and stalling the marriage process and so far its been three months of waiting. Ok, here is the problem we cannot have a small wedding here because people here see it as an insult if you don't invite them to the wedding and so far we have counted 75+ people and 90% of them I do not even know. We have to invite all of his aunts and uncles, their children and if they have kids their children...which is crazy. Weddings here are not about the bride and groom but rather the family and to socialize....My family cannot afford the $1500+ to get here so no one from my side will be here. Its just a little annoying, I have never wanted a large wedding rather I wanted something small and intimate with family and friends. I have discussed this with his family and they don't seem to understand at all nor care.....all they care about is the family name. Most of these people we will never see again since I will file for him once I return to the states and I don't plan on coming back here these people have put me through enough hell. Its just hard seeing your dreams crushed by other people, I guess. So right now our options are go to the courthouse and get married there (No wedding or party), have a small party with just his family (his siblings don't even want us together, his brother suggested that he marry a lebanese model with blond eyes and blue hair), have a huge wedding and invite all of his family ( I don't even know how we will pay for this) on top of being surrounded by all of these people whom I have never met in my life. Any suggestions would be great

[Ladylethal 12]

When you marry you marry the family as well, This is something you have to discuss with your fiance he must have feelings about this too, as he's also part of the culture you seem to dislike so much. You should consider all that before thinking you can simply grab him and remove him from his culture forever. Even if you don't have to return to Lebanon later in life, he is lebanese and his culture will go with him wherever.

[catknit 144]

You can look at this a couple of ways:

#1 - Do the big party. Wear the dress, plaster a smile on your face and just grin and bear it. It's just a one time thing.

It may seem like a lot and the fact that you've been there a while [?] you are most likely in the throws of culture shock as well as pre-wedding jitters, etc etc. I get not wanting to be around people you don't know and that it will feel like a gigantic dog and pony show to you. But, it will be a huge step in family diplomacy. You never know when you may need to lean on his family for something...I'd highly suggest not burning any bridges. Even if you think you'll never go back or that he'll never go back - you just don't know what may happen in the future.

Keep in mind that in the US you can have your intimate wedding and reception. Relationships are a matter of compromise/give and take. Sometimes you have to put up with things you both don't like.

#2 - do only the court marriage but be prepared for the backlash.

Family name is huge is the MidEast. HUGE. Did I mention HUGE???? Being the quirky couple that doesn't do what is expected will label you. If the two of you are ok with the backlash, then go with only the court marriage.

About the family wanting him to be with someone else - go to the MENA forum. You'll get support there. But, having been with a MENA man [though born and raised in the US] for 10 years - there were complexities in the family dynamics that can be beyond comprehension to the "typical" american. Warranted or not, in my experience the family feels that there is someone perfect/better/prettier/smarter/richer out there than the woman he's brought home. I'm not sure if that's because they didn't have a hand in choosing the wife or just typical family ego issues "My son [brother/nephew] could do better....". But, after the marriage, those comments dropped significantly - a sort of acceptance was finally bestowed to the relationship. Just think of it has hurdles you need to jump to be together.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Probably would have been better to be posted in the Middle Eastern/North African forum, Im sure you would get alot more ideas and opinions on this kind of subject. I married Adam in Egypt. It was only his dad, sister and best friend at the court house in Alex. Afterwards we had a tiny gathering with his friends family and his mom and sister on the Northcoast. Im glad thats all it was. It was way too hot that night and I was exhausted from the day of running around in the heat, so I didnt want to stay up so late. Forgot to add that his family loves me and I love them...but still they didnt force a huge party on me, and I didnt want one either.

Edited June 15, 2009 by TamaraLovesAdam

[Dr. Obvious 49]

I'd just suck it up and do it their way. No reason to piss off the in-laws. I'm speaking from experience here.

[AlHayatZween 2]

Agree with what Milo posted...

Family, culture, tradition is huge... Individuality, not so much.

While it will be overwhelming and not what you envisioned, you can always do something more your own style when you get back to the US.

Plus, it will make for a good story and an adventure.

Good luck!

hz

[HoneyandSonny 0]

I don't hate the Lebanese culture, its just that is been hell and I have seen alot of ugly in this culture. There is alot that has gone on behind the scenes that made me dislike his family especially his siblings.

[trinket 30]

I would suck it up too, plus you get to wear nice dresses. Its one time thing, seriously the whole hoopla about wedding is to show case to others, so why not enjoy the good dress, good food and loads of gifts

[AlHayatZween 2]

I would suck it up too, plus you get to wear nice dresses. Its one time thing, seriously the whole hoopla about wedding is to show case to others, so why not enjoy the good dress, good food and loads of gifts

Yes, and if Lebanon is anything like Morocco, you get to wear 2 or 3 really cool dresses! And henna... woo-hoo!!

[trinket 30]

I don't hate the Lebanese culture, its just that is been hell and I have seen alot of ugly in this culture. There is alot that has gone on behind the scenes that made me dislike his family especially his siblings.

Why do you care really? Every family and culture has those bad apples. I say ** it and enjoy. You are marrying someone from their family and your husband will surely like to keep a relationship with them forever. Trust me, you would't want to hear things 20 years from now on about how you blew up the wedding ceremony and all that. Its just one day affair, not like your life is endangered or something, so enjoy it.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

the pictures and memories should be worth it to show your family and friends back here. Theres going to be enough stress with filing to try to get him here, that you dont need anymore stress as it is. There is good, bad and ugly in every country and in every family. Just keep positive and enjoy your time while in Lebanon. How many people can say they married on the other side of the world with their spouses family all there? Not too many!

[Ladylethal 12]

I don't hate the Lebanese culture, its just that is been hell and I have seen alot of ugly in this culture. There is alot that has gone on behind the scenes that made me dislike his family especially his siblings.

Why do you care really? Every family and culture has those bad apples. I say ** it and enjoy. You are marrying someone from their family and your husband will surely like to keep a relationship with them forever. Trust me, you would't want to hear things 20 years from now on about how you blew up the wedding ceremony and all that. Its just one day affair, not like your life is endangered or something, so enjoy it.

Exactly my thinking. A marriage is about giving and taking as well.

[HoneyandSonny 0]

Yeah, I dont know when he will be able to come back to the states so that we can have the wedding of our dreams...Iam just wondering when that will be. He had voluntary departure from the US last year (he only overstayed by 1 month and so far he's been denied a student visa twice) ...Iam sure it will take almost two years before he can come home. It just sucks....

Edited June 15, 2009 by Honeyandsweetie

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Yeah I know when he comes back to the states we can have the wedding of our dreams...Iam just wondering when that will be. He had voluntary departure from the US last year (he only overstayed by 1 month and so far he's been denied a student visa twice) ...Iam sure it will take almost two years before he can come home. It just sucks....

I thought overstaying a visa meant that you cant come back to the US, or IF it is possible its a heck of a ordeal?!

[Minya's wife 25]

I don't hate the Lebanese culture, its just that is been hell and I have seen alot of ugly in this culture. There is alot that has gone on behind the scenes that made me dislike his family especially his siblings.

Why do you care really? Every family and culture has those bad apples. I say ** it and enjoy. You are marrying someone from their family and your husband will surely like to keep a relationship with them forever. Trust me, you would't want to hear things 20 years from now on about how you blew up the wedding ceremony and all that. Its just one day affair, not like your life is endangered or something, so enjoy it.

Well if the big wedding would cost a lot of $$ that the couple could use for other things, then perhaps it is something to care about. I don't know how much these things cost in other countries, and I'm sure that the cost is not as outrageous as a big wedding here in the States, but I'm thinking that it could still be a sum that is no laughing matter. So if it is a choice between a big-fat 'Lebanese' wedding and having $$ to go on an all-expense paid honeymoon (for example) I would opt for the latter. But it is as *Laura* said, you cannot remove your future husband from the culture into which he was born and raised....and it is something that the two of you have to discuss and agree upon.

If he is insisting, and can afford it, then I agree w/ trinket '** it and enjoy' yourself.

-P