why dont people get how stressful this is

[MissusM09 1]

this is a bit of a gripe, but does anyone else just get tired of explaining how stressful this is to people???? I know that I have just stop explaining why I'm tired or why I just dont want to socialise that much. :angry: :angry: I mean, i'm immigrating, moving and getting married. there are times when you just want to break down in floods of tears or other times when you just zone out and go quiet, stare into space. I have weeks and months of restless sleep because my mind wont stop working even though my body is tired. I stood in Safeway/Somerfields on Thursday night completley confused and wanting to cry because I couldnt find the Turkey Kabanos!!lol seriously.

I often try to break down how it feels to folk to be leaving here to go there, but they dont get it. Either they think I will miss England ( which in all honesty I wont) or they think its a financial issue, or wonder if i'm making the right decision considering that I havent spent 10 years dating the guy before marrying him. :blink: :blink: It all just makes me wanna go ....AAAAAAAAAArgh. I understand how this process is hard to understand if you have never done it, but seriously if they knew how difficult this was do they think we would do this on a whim.

I'm a strong person, I can handle all of this, its just a little frustrating.

Can anyone share what they have experienced when telling friends about the process, or have you just given up???? Anyone got a solution to it?

Please take time to share it could help someone.

thanks

primaandjay

Edited June 14, 2009 by prima and jay

[aoifee 0]

this is a bit of a gripe, but does anyone else just get tired of explaining how stressful this is to people???? I know that I have just stop explaining why I'm tired or why I just dont want to socialise that much. :angry: :angry: I mean, i'm immigrating, moving and getting married. there are times when you just want to break down in floods of tears or other times when you just zone out and go quiet, stare into space. I have weeks and months of restless sleep because my mind wont stop working even though my body is tired. I stood in Safeway/Somerfields on Thursday night completley confused and wanting to cry because I couldnt find the Turkey Kabanos!!lol seriously.

I often try to break down how it feels to folk to be leaving here to go there, but they dont get it. Either they think I will miss England ( which in all honesty I wont) or they think its a financial issue, or wonder if i'm making the right decision considering that I havent spent 10 years dating the guy before marrying him. :blink: :blink: It all just makes me wanna go ....AAAAAAAAAArgh. I understand how this process is hard to understand if you have never done it, but seriously if they knew how difficult this was do they think we would do this on a whim.

I'm a strong person, I can handle all of this, its just a little frustrating.

Can anyone share what they have experienced when telling friends about the process, or have you just given up???? Anyone got a solution to it?

Please take time to share it could help someone.

thanks

primaandjay

Honestly primaandjay i figure it's not even worth the effort.

For understanding and empathy I log on and touch base with fellow VJers. Otherwise unburden to fiance.

My family kind of get it (mostly my mom) but my friends don't have a clue.

The more you talk about how stressed I was to people who don't get it the more stressed out i got. So I just stopped.

Anyway - I get it!

[Mikkel 0]

Can't say I find this process anywhere near as frustrating as you describe. Stress is something you create yourself, so if you feel stressed out, then it's probably possible for you to get rid of it. I just tell people that it's a lengthy, bureaucratic mess. Everyone has their own definition and experiences of how stressful that is, so you don't even have to explain it.

[reeses16 8]

I agree, its not necessary to explain it to other people. When I was going through the K1 I tried to explain, it caused more frustration on my part. Explaining it over and over (and over!). Why? Didn't change the process, and whoever I was talking to didn't really remember what I said. A week later they would ask "So, when is he getting the visa?" Since then, I just keep it to myself, my hubby and VJ people.

People may think you're doing it on a whim. But who cares? They don't live your life for you and they are not responsible for taking care of you. I think a lot of people don't realize how much the person immigrating is giving up. As the USC, my mom got it, but no one else did. But thats okay, hubby and I get it.

[terri and jay 0]

this is a bit of a gripe, but does anyone else just get tired of explaining how stressful this is to people???? I know that I have just stop explaining why I'm tired or why I just dont want to socialise that much. :angry: :angry: I mean, i'm immigrating, moving and getting married. there are times when you just want to break down in floods of tears or other times when you just zone out and go quiet, stare into space. I have weeks and months of restless sleep because my mind wont stop working even though my body is tired. I stood in Safeway/Somerfields on Thursday night completley confused and wanting to cry because I couldnt find the Turkey Kabanos!!lol seriously.

I often try to break down how it feels to folk to be leaving here to go there, but they dont get it. Either they think I will miss England ( which in all honesty I wont) or they think its a financial issue, or wonder if i'm making the right decision considering that I havent spent 10 years dating the guy before marrying him. :blink: :blink: It all just makes me wanna go ....AAAAAAAAAArgh. I understand how this process is hard to understand if you have never done it, but seriously if they knew how difficult this was do they think we would do this on a whim.

I'm a strong person, I can handle all of this, its just a little frustrating.

Can anyone share what they have experienced when telling friends about the process, or have you just given up???? Anyone got a solution to it?

Please take time to share it could help someone.

well 1st yes it is very stressful if u want it to be ,2nd do u think that ppl that r questioning u really care , the ones that care r close to u and understand u and will support u, u need to lean on your mate cause he know what u r going threw, ppl at work want to know all the time but i just say we r working on it and he will get as soon as they say so, lastly i was looking at ur timeline it says u got ur interveiw in april did u get your visa and if so r u on the way to usa?

thanks

primaandjay

[Allie and Nigel 2]

I think you are trying to put too much on your plate at one time. Slow down. Take one day at a time! Nobody will ever truly get it and will always ask why you are moving...trust me, I did it 15 years ago..and people still ask me why i'm here! lol...

[msu17 0]

Just find a few close people, such as your mom or best friend and talk to them about it. Other than that, jsut have a set answer to give to people and leave it at that. My grandpa was always a fan of "you may have a point there". It may be a wrong point, but it shuts them up

[TayRivers 4]

You think you are stressed now..... just wait until you have been dealing with immigration for 4 + years. Take a big breath... Stand Back and let it all wash over you. You have a long way to go in your journey.

As for other they don't understand and they really dont want to understand. Better to confide in just a few close family members or close friends. Remember if people see you all stressed out and not dealing well with the whole process they are more inclined to think you are rushing into something you may end up regreting.

Edited June 15, 2009 by TayRivers

[Talyss 0]

You could try referring them to this list or one like it http://www.garlandscience.com/textbooks/08...lLifeEvents.pdf

Apart from the fact you ar getting married (major life stressor in itself, lots of brides who aren't emigrating burst into tears for no reason in the run up to the wedding) you also have the prospect of all those changes coming up, residence, living conditions, social life etc.

[paulinespens 3]

Yeah its a stressful time. I got sick of my mother every day asking if I had any news on the visa. I just wanted to forget about the visa process so I would get news when I least expected it.

I found it hard leaving my dad when he dropped me off at Holyhead to get the Ferry to Dublin. I flew from Dublin as it was so so much cheaper. I got on the guinness on the boat. Then I got to my hotel at Dublin Airport after getting the bus to the city centre from the ferry port and then the bus to the airport and finally got the free hotel bus to the hotel. I was back on the Guinness again in the bar downstairs (well you gotta do it in Dublin) I acutally slept in the hotel that night and glad I booked an alarm call. Usually im up all night with excitment or just worried like I was in the hotel the night before the interview.

[Ellie-and-David 38]

I've stopped talking to mum about it now. she looks like she is going to cry every time me leaving is brought up.

I think the thing I found the most difficult was this feeling of having to legitimise my relationship over and over and over to patronising colleagues who couldn't understand how you could possibly conduct a relationship over the internet. The whole legitimising thing, and stigma of having met someone on the WWW often left me frustrated and in tears.

Prima, I think how stressed and frustrated you are at the moment is born out of the fact that things are out of your hands at the moment. I get stressed when my actions have absolutely no effect on the end result. I guess what it boils down to is that I dont like being put in a position of reliance on others.

Hold in there. I know you have mentioned it is hard to see approvals when the K1 situation is yet to be resolved for you. Visajourney is here for the good, bad and the down right ugly times. And this is an ugly time for you. Not bad.....because you will get the pending documentation sorted and you will be issued your visa

[Nik+Heather 121]

I've stopped talking to mum about it now. she looks like she is going to cry every time me leaving is brought up.

I think the thing I found the most difficult was this feeling of having to legitimise my relationship over and over and over to patronising colleagues who couldn't understand how you could possibly conduct a relationship over the internet. The whole legitimising thing, and stigma of having met someone on the WWW often left me frustrated and in tears.

This has gotten easier for me (relatively). I started out by telling some girl friends, one who is a WOW player, so meeting/falling in love with someone on an online game was actually a bit romantic to her. The other was another girl with marriage on the brain, whose brother had met his wife on an online marriage thing. They were very enthusiastic/understanding. Actually the second is an immigrant herself, and they are trying to bring her brother over here, so while she understands the frustrating visa process, I try not to talk about it too much, because an adult, married child of a USC takes a LOT longer than a fiance... I told my parents just a couple weeks before his first visit...then we dated for a year, and people knew I had a boyfriend but not much else. It helped when he was here for 3 months because the whole, how did you meet didn't hold as much mystery. By the time I started mentioning visas, I got to say "Oh, well, he's from the UK so..." If they are VERY nosey (and some are!), I mention how we met it so offhandedly and matter-of-fact like that they sort of look stunned for a bit, and by the time they understand what I've said, I've moved on to something else. Sometimes I'm so sheepish they start feeling guilty. Or maybe start gushing about what a sweetie your guy is and bore them out of the topic? I haven't tried that one yet. Anyway, Ellie, you don't need to convince anyone but yourselves that you have a legitimate relationship, and you don't owe an explanation to anyone.

Also with video/voice chat you can get to know someone almost as well online as you can in person. For traditional, strict couples you don't live or sleep together before marriage anyway, so it's not all that different! Plenty of them go for 50 years or more. It's only recently that the idea of living together for months or years was a prerequisite for getting married.

Prima, I think how stressed and frustrated you are at the moment is born out of the fact that things are out of your hands at the moment. I get stressed when my actions have absolutely no effect on the end result. I guess what it boils down to is that I dont like being put in a position of reliance on others.

This is the main source of MY visa obsessions. Also, sometimes it can be hard to bite your tongue for so long when the person you are waiting on is your SO in another country, or someone who's doing you a favor....I know when I was waiting for Nik to send off packet 3 I practically had to duct tape my mouth shut. It was only 2 weeks, but it was 100x worse than waiting for NOA2.

[MissusM09 1]

I've stopped talking to mum about it now. she looks like she is going to cry every time me leaving is brought up.

I think the thing I found the most difficult was this feeling of having to legitimise my relationship over and over and over to patronising colleagues who couldn't understand how you could possibly conduct a relationship over the internet. The whole legitimising thing, and stigma of having met someone on the WWW often left me frustrated and in tears.

Prima, I think how stressed and frustrated you are at the moment is born out of the fact that things are out of your hands at the moment. I get stressed when my actions have absolutely no effect on the end result. I guess what it boils down to is that I dont like being put in a position of reliance on others.

Hold in there. I know you have mentioned it is hard to see approvals when the K1 situation is yet to be resolved for you. Visajourney is here for the good, bad and the down right ugly times. And this is an ugly time for you. Not bad.....because you will get the pending documentation sorted and you will be issued your visa

ooooooooh shoot Ellie, you made me tear up over here lol in class, i'm here at work, they are going to think i'm a nervous wreck. lol i'm really not. You are all right, You can make the stress for yourself, and you can take an easy route into it by minimising how many people we tell. YOu feel out of control with this thing thats the truth. I love hearing from the veterans, lol the ones who have been in the trenches.......wow 4years huh..... you are right this is just a taste of things to come..

I do get tired of telling folk who I told before, I put out a moratorium on it last week, I said i'm not talking about it anymore. overthinking stuff.

You all are great and i'm going to be reading this post again, because its soooooo cool.

x

Prima

[AngelnSteve 0]

It's understandable that unless someone else has gone through what we're going through - with all the variables thrown in that noone will be able to fully relate to our individual situations.

At least people who are or have gone through this process will have some notion of the stress and fears involved.

Though as with pain and death our worries are most singularly ours alone.

[Gemmie 142]

I used to get frustrated hearing the same people ask me the same questions. I would explain it to them in simple terms ("we've been approved for the first step but waiting on the next, will take a few months") but a few weeks later, they'd ask me if I have a visa yet. In the end, I just stuck to shorter answers.

I've also had the people that are shocked to hear how you met online and get questions like "so what do your parents think of that?" with a disgusted expression, or "how old were you when you met for real then?"

In fact, the IO processing the K1 at POE the other day first asked me how old I was, and then said he thought I was too young to be getting married. I tried really hard to keep my mouth shut (just told him we'd known each other for 6.5 years so it's not rushed) but in reality, I wanted to tell him that his personal opinion isn't needed, and that perhaps if the US government allowed unmarried visas, we wouldn't be here yet.

My advice is to try and shrug it off. I know it's hard, but at the end of the day, it only hurts you... remember that there are people that REALLY understand and those that just want a quick answer. GIve them that, and then move on.. you know what you're doing, that's all that matters.