A match made in the old ways

[scandal 951]

What an awesome and inspiring story. Good luck to this young woman, whichever path she chooses in life.

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/na...0,1284391.story

From the Los Angeles Times

COLUMN ONE

A match made in the old ways

Rahila Muhibi, a native of Afghanistan and a recent college graduate in North Carolina, has no intentions of marrying her cousin, betrothed to her when she was 7. But to do so means defying her father

By David Zucchino

June 2, 2009

Reporting from Fayetteville, N.C. - When she was 7 years old, Rahila Muhibi was engaged to her 8-year-old first cousin. The betrothal was arranged, in the Afghan custom, by her father.

When Muhibi was ready for high school, her father fended off relatives who demanded that the marriage take place. He thought she was too young, and instead helped her win a scholarship to attend school in Canada.

Last month, Muhibi, 24, graduated from tiny Methodist University here. Her father now says the time has come for Muhibi to return to Afghanistan and marry her cousin.

She has refused, setting up a test of wills with her father and a challenge to the societal customs that require women to be obedient daughters and wives.

Muhibi wants to go to graduate school in the West and continue running a small nonprofit literacy program she founded for Afghan women. But for the program to flourish -- and for Muhibi to reconnect with a family she misses terribly -- she must return home.

"It's hard for me to say no because my father has helped me so much," Muhibi said, speaking flawless English while chatting with fellow students on campus. "But I refuse to be submissive."

Muhibi said she didn't care for her cousin when they were children growing up together in a village in northeastern Afghanistan. She cares for him even less now, she said, calling him "my supposed fiance."

She has told him more than once that she has no intention of marrying him. When he telephoned her to congratulate her the day she graduated, she drove home the point.

"I told him to find someone else," she said. "I said I didn't want him blaming me for making him wait. He treated it like a joke. He said he didn't believe I would really say no because it would bring such dishonor."

Muhibi's father, Abdul Ghaffer, is 63 -- a tall, bony white-haired man. (Some Afghans choose surnames from other family members. Muhibi's father chose his grandfather's surname; she chose her grandfather's.)

A retired government clerk, he and his family rent a simple mud brick house on a rutted side street in Kabul, Afghanistan. He is proud of his daughter's educational accomplishments, he said, despite the criticism he has endured from friends and relatives over allowing her to attend school overseas. But now that Muhibi's education has been completed, he said, she must honor her obligations.

"If my daughter does not accept my idea, well, of course I will lose respect among my relatives," he said over black tea and chocolates in his tiny mehman khana, or reception room. "But I don't think my daughter would do anything against our culture."

Certain family obligations cannot be refused, he said. He pointed out that his son and a nephew are married to sisters of Muhibi's betrothed cousin.

"This is not just a problem for me if my daughter does not marry, but it would be a problem for the rest of the family too," Ghaffer said.

An Afghan woman who refuses an arranged marriage can bring dishonor to her family, and the act may result in banishment from the home. In some cases, reluctant brides have run away, been jailed or committed suicide.

Ghaffer said he considered the groom-to-be, the son of a herder, a fine catch. Now 25, he graduated from Kabul University last year and works for a cellphone company.

Ghaffer himself entered into an arranged marriage when his wife -- Muhibi's mother -- was 11. She too has urged Muhibi to submit to the marriage. "My mother told me: You should listen to your dad," Muhibi said.

With degrees in global studies and political science from Methodist University, she is almost certainly the best-educated woman in her Nikpai tribe. After so many years in the West, Muhibi cannot abide by the old, restrictive ways of her culture, she said.

Even when she lived in Afghanistan, she did not wear a burka as her mother and sisters do. When she was 12, she said, she broke a cultural taboo by sitting with Afghan men to talk politics, encouraged by her father.

Inside the student union building, Muhibi looked at home: Dressed in a white blouse and black slacks, she joked and giggled with several female friends and casually greeted the male students who stopped by to chat.

Muhibi said she received a full scholarship to Methodist after an official from the university visited her high school in British Columbia.

While in college, she obtained a $10,000 grant from the Davis Projects for Peace foundation to start a summer program that in 2007 brought students from Kabul to visit young people in the village where she grew up. They all attended classes under a tree because the village had no school.

She then raised $8,000 in a single night, selling home-cooked Afghan meals to American donors. She used the money to create the 100 Mothers Literacy Program to help educate women in her village.

At first, there was resistance in Afghanistan, she said -- from village elders and the women themselves. The women said they were too old to learn and preferred that the money be used to build toilets.

"I thought: How can you choose a bathroom over education?" Muhibi said. "If I had stayed in the village, I would have ended up just like them."

Muhibi raised more money, and, after the women and elders relented, she visited Afghanistan in December 2008, launching the program with 104 students. She hired as instructors male and female teens educated in the village's first schoolhouse, built in 2007. Each is paid $40 a month.

The program is run by Muhibi's oldest brother, 45, a teacher in the village. Her 22-year-old sister, who lives in Kabul, helps out.

Several hours by car from Kabul, the village is reachable only by dirt tracks. Muhibi asked that her siblings' names, and the name of her village, not be published. She said she feared Taliban insurgents or sympathizers would retaliate against them for teaching women -- considered apostasy by some Afghans.

Someone, she said, threatened recently to toss acid in her sister's eyes, a common Taliban punishment. Others have spread rumors that Muhibi is trying to convert villagers to Christianity, a rumor Ghaffer quashed by assuring elders that his daughter is a devout Muslim.

Despite her father's insistence on the arranged marriage, Muhibi said she considered him relatively moderate. When she visited in December, she said, he asked her to wear a burka. She refused, and he did not try to force her.

In fact, Ghaffer is the main reason for his daughter's remarkable journey.

The few Afghan women who do manage educations overseas tend to be from prominent, politically connected families. Muhibi grew up in a village in Baghlan province without indoor plumbing and electricity. Her mother is illiterate. Her father did not attend school but went to a mullah to learn to read and write.

Muhibi and her family are Hazara, a Shiite Muslim ethnic group that historically has suffered discrimination from Afghanistan's dominant Sunni Muslims. Some anthropologists think Hazaras migrated to present-day Afghanistan from Mongolia; many Hazaras claim to be descendants of Genghis Khan.

During the Taliban regime in the late 1990s, gunmen burned villages and killed Hazaras in Hazarajat, the ethnic homeland in northeast Afghanistan, which includes Muhibi's village. The legendary Buddha statues of Bamian, which had stood since the 6th century, were destroyed.

Muhibi said her family members were forced to flee in 1998, when she was 13, abandoning their home and possessions. They walked for three days to a neighboring village, passing burning villages and Hazara corpses.

Her father covered her eyes, she recalled, but she knew what had happened. "I knew what was there. I could smell the dead," she recalled. The family later walked seven days to Kabul, then fled to Pakistan. They returned to Kabul in 2002 after the U.S. invasion toppled the Taliban government.

Her father's strength has kept the family safe over the years, Muhibi said. He used his savings to provide an education for his four sons -- and his four daughters too. When Muhibi was 11, he rewarded her good grades by paying for private English lessons.

"My dad is one of the best dads ever," she said. "If he was a mean dad, it wouldn't be so hard to say no to him."

While pondering whether to return to Afghanistan to reject the arranged marriage in person one last time, Muhibi has been applying for graduate school and temporary jobs. Last month, she said, she was accepted for graduate study at a small Islamic university in London.

She said she would like to study international development and return to Afghanistan to direct projects. She may even marry, she said, if she meets the right man. But she will not marry her cousin.

"I'm waiting for him to find someone else," she said, relaxed and smiling among her friends in the student union.

Seven-thousand miles away, Ghaffer sipped hot tea as he squatted on pillows and a Persian rug spread across his floor. He was polite but firm.

"I thought about her future, and I sent her for education outside the country," he said. "So I hope she would also accept that we have promised to marry her with her cousin."

Muhibi might be in the United States for now, he said, but her home is Afghanistan. "And Afghan custom," her father said, "is different from any other custom."

david.zucchino@latimes.com

Special correspondent M. Karim Faiez in Kabul contributed to this report.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Im sorry but setting her up with a future husband at the age of 7 is ridiculous. And if she says No, then its dishonors her family... its different IMO if you ask your family to set you up or find you someone but to put a guilt trip on a woman and then claim shes dishonoring the family is nonsense. I feel for some women. I know of a girl in her 20s from the same country but pretty much grew up here. Her mom engaged her off to her cousin not too long ago and this girl is not happy, plus she has a boyfriend of her own choosing and cant marry him bcz now her family married her off to her cousin. I basically told her that shes screwed ... she signed papers which she didnt realize all the details of what that means... she and boyfriend can not married bcz shes legally married to cousin now!

[scandal 951]

Im sorry but setting her up with a future husband at the age of 7 is ridiculous. And if she says No, then its dishonors her family... its different IMO if you ask your family to set you up or find you someone but to put a guilt trip on a woman and then claim shes dishonoring the family is nonsense. I feel for some women. I know of a girl in her 20s from the same country but pretty much grew up here. Her mom engaged her off to her cousin not too long ago and this girl is not happy, plus she has a boyfriend of her own choosing and cant marry him bcz now her family married her off to her cousin. I basically told her that shes screwed ... she signed papers which she didnt realize all the details of what that means... she and boyfriend can not married bcz shes legally married to cousin now!

Tamara, I think the point of the story is that this courageous young woman is saying 'no' to an enforced arranged marriage. Yet she is trying to balance her decision while still respecting her family, her traditions, her religion. She wants to return to Afghanistan and give back to her community. I think that's just wonderful and heart warming.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Im sorry but setting her up with a future husband at the age of 7 is ridiculous. And if she says No, then its dishonors her family... its different IMO if you ask your family to set you up or find you someone but to put a guilt trip on a woman and then claim shes dishonoring the family is nonsense. I feel for some women. I know of a girl in her 20s from the same country but pretty much grew up here. Her mom engaged her off to her cousin not too long ago and this girl is not happy, plus she has a boyfriend of her own choosing and cant marry him bcz now her family married her off to her cousin. I basically told her that shes screwed ... she signed papers which she didnt realize all the details of what that means... she and boyfriend can not married bcz shes legally married to cousin now!

Tamara, I think the point of the story is that this courageous young woman is saying 'no' to an enforced arranged marriage. Yet she is trying to balance her decision while still respecting her family, her traditions, her religion. She wants to return to Afghanistan and give back to her community. I think that's just wonderful and heart warming.

Yah, Totally awesome about how much shes doing in her life! however, saying No to your family in her culture is a sign of disrespect or dishonor... I hope to God this will not end up being an honor killing story if she chooses NOT to marry her cousin.

[~Jackie~ 30]

We just love 'heartwarming' in mena-land

...got any unicorns and rainbows?

jJ

[childress_london 3]

I think this girl's father was unrealistic. He sent her away to the West to attend University and he expects his daughter to remain faithful to the customs of their people? It's obvious from the story that he encouraged her to be different since she was a little girl, so what did he expect? I think he set himself up for failure here. I hope that she can continue with her convictions and not marry the cousin. Hopefully that will not make things difficult for her family, but I have a feeling it will. This could be a very sad story in one way or another.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

rainbows a coming! - for Jackie

and I agree with what was stated above me... but I hope for the best and hope that she brings alot of good things to her community back home in helping others

Edited June 7, 2009 by TamaraLovesAdam

[doodlebugg 10]

I'd be scared if she went back and didn't marry him because it seems she doesn't live in such a safe place, you know? Especially since she's been walking around the US without even a scarf. Hopefully if she decides not to marry she'll stay put in the US. It would be one helluva sacrifice either way and I pity her having to make that decision.

That being said, if it were me, I'd marry him. I didn't read one thing bad about him in that article so who's to say he's not a nice guy and would turn out to be a wonderful husband? Now when I say, "if it were me", I mean it fully. In other words if I grew up in that culture and experienced all that she did. If it were me as I have been brought up here oh hellll no I wouldn't do it.

I've seen a lot of heartbreak in my day from couples who got married for love. My husband's parents were an arranged marriage and they were head over heels in love. So much that when his mom died very young from breast cancer his father never so much as talked about another woman to the day he died. He couldn't bear it to think of someone else taking care of his kids. I think that is so romantic.

[morocco4ever 63]

And so the repressive culture lives on.

I don't see anything wrong with this woman's decision. She doesn't want to marry him. It doesn't matter if he is a good guy or not, this is not what she has chosen. I know that if had been forced to marry any of my cousins I would have been very unhappy. Not that there is anything wrong with them, but I want to have a say in who I spend the rest of my life with.

They frown on education for women? We grew up with this right, and have taken it for granted. I can't imagine if my culture decided that my only worth was to raise kids, cook dinner, and clean house. This woman is striving to change what she views as a wrong to women. I don't see anything wrong with that. Think of it this way, at one time women in the US were not even allowed to vote. At one time men would earn more money than a woman even though they performed the same job. The list of inequities goes on and on. Thank God for the courageous women that have done years ago what this young woman is doing for the women in her culture today. And I dare say that there is a fair share of men that does value women as more that a breeder and care taker.

Bottom line, if the woman wants to have an arranged marriage, if she wants to follow her culture, then great. But why should they all be forced?

[morocco4ever 63]

And to add. I saw my father grieve for my mother after her death up until the day he died. This was not an arranged marriage. It happens here as well.

[scandal 951]

And so the repressive culture lives on.

I don't see anything wrong with this woman's decision. She doesn't want to marry him. It doesn't matter if he is a good guy or not, this is not what she has chosen. I know that if had been forced to marry any of my cousins I would have been very unhappy. Not that there is anything wrong with them, but I want to have a say in who I spend the rest of my life with.

They frown on education for women? We grew up with this right, and have taken it for granted. I can't imagine if my culture decided that my only worth was to raise kids, cook dinner, and clean house. This woman is striving to change what she views as a wrong to women. I don't see anything wrong with that. Think of it this way, at one time women in the US were not even allowed to vote. At one time men would earn more money than a woman even though they performed the same job. The list of inequities goes on and on. Thank God for the courageous women that have done years ago what this young woman is doing for the women in her culture today. And I dare say that there is a fair share of men that does value women as more that a breeder and care taker.

Bottom line, if the woman wants to have an arranged marriage, if she wants to follow her culture, then great. But why should they all be forced?

WORD. Great post.

At one time men would earn more money than a woman even though they performed the same job -- by and large, they still do

[morocco4ever 63]

And so the repressive culture lives on.

I don't see anything wrong with this woman's decision. She doesn't want to marry him. It doesn't matter if he is a good guy or not, this is not what she has chosen. I know that if had been forced to marry any of my cousins I would have been very unhappy. Not that there is anything wrong with them, but I want to have a say in who I spend the rest of my life with.

They frown on education for women? We grew up with this right, and have taken it for granted. I can't imagine if my culture decided that my only worth was to raise kids, cook dinner, and clean house. This woman is striving to change what she views as a wrong to women. I don't see anything wrong with that. Think of it this way, at one time women in the US were not even allowed to vote. At one time men would earn more money than a woman even though they performed the same job. The list of inequities goes on and on. Thank God for the courageous women that have done years ago what this young woman is doing for the women in her culture today. And I dare say that there is a fair share of men that does value women as more that a breeder and care taker.

Bottom line, if the woman wants to have an arranged marriage, if she wants to follow her culture, then great. But why should they all be forced?

WORD. Great post.

At one time men would earn more money than a woman even though they performed the same job -- by and large, they still do

So true, but it is getting better. I work in the payroll department, so I see it first hand. Ten years ago I saw this very thing, but the company I work for now seems to pay equally. Perhaps because it is such a large company.

[MrsAmera 41]

I agree with the sentiment that she should be free to choose absolutely. But I also think that if neither her father nor her cousin plan to relent on the arrangment she can not go back to Afghanistan. Regardless of whether it's good/bad right or wrong it is what it is. Without a societal shift the future remains the same. I hope that she can bear the weight of whichever choice she makes because either way I doubt it will be easy.

[sara..... 371]

i wish her luck and good future.

there are a couple of things that stick out to me in this story.

she is highly educated more so than her fiance is, so many times in Muslim marriages if the women has a lot of education compared to the husband she is forced to not go forward with what her job would normally be if she had married someone with equal education. i know a lot of girls in Pakistan including my own family that have fantastic educations, but when they married their husbands did not allow them to pursue anything other than being a mom and wife.

she is active in educating the women in Afghanistan many men will see this as a threat.

maybe not her fiance but friends and family of him. so her life would not be as happy and good as if her father had matched her with her equal.

her father seems to be a very good and caring person, but when he sent her off to school he forgot to pay attention to what would happen when she became so involved with the world and evolved past what life is in Afghanistan.

this is a very old way to match couples, they are not suppose to make a match that the girl does not agree with.

she is suppose to have a choice, at the age she was matched she could not have known what she wanted.

anyways just my opinion

sara

[rclouse 0]

Could she marry him to uphold "family honor", then get a quickie divorce?