Fighting with your SO

[misskiya 0]

Ok just so I don't feel like I'm completely and utterly nuts, does anyone else have a problem with constantly arguing and fighting with your SO while all of this waiting is going on? Maybe it's the stress of waiting for the interview, or the papers that were lost in the mail. I've no clue. But it seems like recently all we want to do is hurt each other for no reason at all.

Maybe I'm just a little nuts and have some serious anger issues (yeah, probably) but has this been a problem for anyone else? I'm starting to feel like it may break us apart if it continues, and I wouldn't have that for the world.

Any advice on relieving the stress and resolving stupid arguments? Before they turn into a bunch of name calling and pain?

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Ok just so I don't feel like I'm completely and utterly nuts, does anyone else have a problem with constantly arguing and fighting with your SO while all of this waiting is going on? Maybe it's the stress of waiting for the interview, or the papers that were lost in the mail. I've no clue. But it seems like recently all we want to do is hurt each other for no reason at all.

Maybe I'm just a little nuts and have some serious anger issues (yeah, probably) but has this been a problem for anyone else? I'm starting to feel like it may break us apart if it continues, and I wouldn't have that for the world.

Any advice on relieving the stress and resolving stupid arguments? Before they turn into a bunch of name calling and pain?

If you both can't talk about it calmly, maybe take a day or two of no contact. I don't think it's the petty things that are really bothering us. Try to focus on the friendship of the relationship - being supportive, listening to what they are saying, nonjudgmental. Let them know it's okay to feel what they feel.

We just had our biggest conflict and it wasn't really over an argument - just family matters, but she said the missing part is really getting to her. We have somewhat of a routine where we talk when each of us first wakes up and goes to sleep (we're on a 16 hour time difference). We talk about everything and anything, but a few days ago she got really quiet and I kept asking her what was wrong, but she kept insisting nothing. Well it wasn't 'nothing' - she was upset. It was frustrating for me because communication is all we've got right now. She's over it now. I guess I need to learn to just give her time when she gets that way. It's hard though - we both miss each other terribly.

[misskiya 0]

That's exactly how it goes with us, Half the time difference tho. And ours is worse now since I was promoted I work longer hours, less time to talk. And I've had 2 kids instead of one for a week now, which SEVERELY reduces talk time. And it's almost like...I just want him here. I don't want to talk online anymore. I'll talk when he's home. Anything else just grinds on my nerves.

[luvaLimey 0]

yes! it's so much easier in person.

Those times when you go through your day and think "oh, i'd like to talk to him about that." Then you get on the phone and both of you find you've got nothing to say.

In person, you can have that comfortable silence where you don't NEED to say anything, but over the phone or online, you got to come up with something all the time to keep a converstaion going.

Then there are all the small misunderstandings that get blown out of proportion.

[snz1802 0]

I know what you are talking about, we have been having the same problem lately, it is hard being so far apart, and the distance does cause a lot of stress on the relationship. I just keep thinking to myself that this will all be over one day, and no matter how much we fight, we are in it together for the long haul. I know he has to blow off steam sometimes and so do I, but we love each other and that is all that counts.

[KarenCee 3]

yes! it's so much easier in person.

Those times when you go through your day and think "oh, i'd like to talk to him about that." Then you get on the phone and both of you find you've got nothing to say.

In person, you can have that comfortable silence where you don't NEED to say anything, but over the phone or online, you got to come up with something all the time to keep a converstaion going.

Then there are all the small misunderstandings that get blown out of proportion.

I can agree with this totally...although Joel and I never really argued. I remember times where I was tired of the online thing...I just wanted my baby HOME! When you are in a LDR, communication IS all you have and when you lose that, its hard to maintain a relationship (IMO) and going through this process doesn't make it easier for any of us. .

Maybe a day or two with no contact as Steven suggested would be good. Taking a break and having time to think. There were times when Joel and I had little to no contact (due to me taking care of an ill mom) and when we were able to "come back together" as it were....online....it was so sweet! Now that Joel is home with me, we have that "comfortable silence" that is also sweet.

Best of luck MissKiya....we are here if and when you need us

[Sister Fracas 5]

Yeah, there were many times during our wait that we'd just either blow things out of proportion or have a miscommunication. I know it's little comfort at the time, but all I can say is hang tight, it is SOOOOOOOOOOO worth the wait. We just celebrated one year of his moving here and I've had the best year of my life with him, so it DOES get better.

[john_and_marlene 162]

Ok just so I don't feel like I'm completely and utterly nuts, does anyone else have a problem with constantly arguing and fighting with your SO while all of this waiting is going on? Maybe it's the stress of waiting for the interview, or the papers that were lost in the mail. I've no clue. But it seems like recently all we want to do is hurt each other for no reason at all.

Maybe I'm just a little nuts and have some serious anger issues (yeah, probably) but has this been a problem for anyone else? I'm starting to feel like it may break us apart if it continues, and I wouldn't have that for the world.

Any advice on relieving the stress and resolving stupid arguments? Before they turn into a bunch of name calling and pain?

If you both can't talk about it calmly, maybe take a day or two of no contact. I don't think it's the petty things that are really bothering us. Try to focus on the friendship of the relationship - being supportive, listening to what they are saying, nonjudgmental. Let them know it's okay to feel what they feel.

We just had our biggest conflict and it wasn't really over an argument - just family matters, but she said the missing part is really getting to her. We have somewhat of a routine where we talk when each of us first wakes up and goes to sleep (we're on a 16 hour time difference). We talk about everything and anything, but a few days ago she got really quiet and I kept asking her what was wrong, but she kept insisting nothing. Well it wasn't 'nothing' - she was upset. It was frustrating for me because communication is all we've got right now. She's over it now. I guess I need to learn to just give her time when she gets that way. It's hard though - we both miss each other terribly.

You should read this regarding pinay tampo:

http://filipinawives.com/Tampo.htm

[Ladylethal 12]

It is odd but we do argue sometimes but it´s due to withdrawal anxiety, of not being able to be together or knowing when. It´s been leaving us both stressed out and sometimes we´ll argue. Usually it´s ´cus the days I´m feeling positive he´s not, and vice-versa.

[Artegal 1]

its better to fight and flame on VJ then take out your frustrations on your spouse or fiancee. If anyone needs to punch someone or release that emotion etc. Just post an I love George Bush or the opposite thread and let the therapeutic release begin. Soccer can also be a topic of heated debate--though not really.

[rebeccajo 14]

....Before they turn into a bunch of name calling and pain?

No you're not nuts. Quarrels happen in every relationship, LDR or up close and personal. For us we were more likely to bicker or hurt each other when either he was tired, or when we didn't have some sort of 'date' in our future (like a visit or visa progress). The stress level does mount also as you near the interview date - I've read that here so many times.

But the quoted part of your post above really bothers me.

If there's name calling going on, you've got trouble. Have you ever been on the receiving end of it? I have and it's not pretty. It makes you feel small and worthless. If you're the one administering it, well then trust me all you are doing is brick by brick building a wall that someday your partner will climb over and it won't be in your direction - it will be to run fast and far away from you.

Edited July 3, 2006 by rebeccajo

[CarolineM 0]

We totally did...when we were aprat there were just misunderstandings or things that you just can't emote with being in person - and we did argue more than we do now. Once we were together ...it was fine. It hink it's a combination of stress and just anxiety about being apart.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Ok just so I don't feel like I'm completely and utterly nuts, does anyone else have a problem with constantly arguing and fighting with your SO while all of this waiting is going on? Maybe it's the stress of waiting for the interview, or the papers that were lost in the mail. I've no clue. But it seems like recently all we want to do is hurt each other for no reason at all.

Maybe I'm just a little nuts and have some serious anger issues (yeah, probably) but has this been a problem for anyone else? I'm starting to feel like it may break us apart if it continues, and I wouldn't have that for the world.

Any advice on relieving the stress and resolving stupid arguments? Before they turn into a bunch of name calling and pain?

If you both can't talk about it calmly, maybe take a day or two of no contact. I don't think it's the petty things that are really bothering us. Try to focus on the friendship of the relationship - being supportive, listening to what they are saying, nonjudgmental. Let them know it's okay to feel what they feel.

We just had our biggest conflict and it wasn't really over an argument - just family matters, but she said the missing part is really getting to her. We have somewhat of a routine where we talk when each of us first wakes up and goes to sleep (we're on a 16 hour time difference). We talk about everything and anything, but a few days ago she got really quiet and I kept asking her what was wrong, but she kept insisting nothing. Well it wasn't 'nothing' - she was upset. It was frustrating for me because communication is all we've got right now. She's over it now. I guess I need to learn to just give her time when she gets that way. It's hard though - we both miss each other terribly.

You should read this regarding pinay tampo:

http://filipinawives.com/Tampo.htm

hehehe...thanks. Perhaps there is some cultural thing about it, but I can tell you I was married before and my ex-wife did something similar. Some people are just really uncomfortable being confrontational. I tend to want to get it all out and deal with it, but I'm realizing that's not always productive. Sometimes it's good to take time - as long as in the end, there is no resentment carrying over. Resentment is the killer of the passionate part of the relationship in my opinion. You've got to forgive and FORGET about it.

[misskiya 0]

Thanks for the advice everyone. We're doing much better today. And I'm trying lots of your advice. We're trying to keep things in the open and it seems to be working. Thank you so so so much, It's good to know it's not just us.

((((hugz to everyone))))

[iceyspots 0]

i understand where you are coming from.. both of us are together and the visa process is wearing on us... we've had a couple scraps or misunderstandings, nothing out of proportion, though... but it seems like it's the visa stress that causes us to be uneasy throughout the day but we find another fuel to feed on... it's normal I think and just a human reaction to stress.. hope everything works out for you.