Permission letter

[USAplusColombia 1]

I'm a single dad of 2. Raised my 4 year old since he was 9 months old totally on my own. If my ex wife (who has weekends on and off) decided to take my kids out of the country, I'd be damned if I'd just say..."Great opportunity for the tots!" If there are two parents in the picture.....I think it is totally unfair to step in and try to drag a child across the globe. If the dad or mom is in the picture, think about the parent/child relationship.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I'm a single dad of 2. Raised my 4 year old since he was 9 months old totally on my own. If my ex wife (who has weekends on and off) decided to take my kids out of the country, I'd be damned if I'd just say..."Great opportunity for the tots!" If there are two parents in the picture.....I think it is totally unfair to step in and try to drag a child across the globe. If the dad or mom is in the picture, think about the parent/child relationship.

And you would be correct if you are a responsible father in the USA. A drunk, abusive man in Ukraine has considerably less to offer in way of opportunities than a stable home and a path to US citizenship. It was not a choice betwen two responsible 2 parent homes. Had he been responsible my wife would still be his wife.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I'm a single dad of 2. Raised my 4 year old since he was 9 months old totally on my own. If my ex wife (who has weekends on and off) decided to take my kids out of the country, I'd be damned if I'd just say..."Great opportunity for the tots!" If there are two parents in the picture.....I think it is totally unfair to step in and try to drag a child across the globe. If the dad or mom is in the picture, think about the parent/child relationship.

And thank you for your efforts and congratulations on being a good dad, but it is its own reward, isn't it?

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

I'm a single dad of 2. Raised my 4 year old since he was 9 months old totally on my own. If my ex wife (who has weekends on and off) decided to take my kids out of the country, I'd be damned if I'd just say..."Great opportunity for the tots!" If there are two parents in the picture.....I think it is totally unfair to step in and try to drag a child across the globe. If the dad or mom is in the picture, think about the parent/child relationship.

Actually, it doesn't matter if the dad or mom is still "in the picture". If one parent was trying to take the kids to the US then they'd need permission from the other parent. Otherwise, the kids stay in their home country. If you were that other parent, you'd have every right to deny that permission. Even the government of the home country would have no authority to force the US government to grant a visa to the children without the consent of both parents.

Unfortunately, the reverse is not always true. Parents often DO take their children illegally from the US to another country, and the other parent often goes through the fires of HELL to try to get their children back. This is especially a problem with men taking their children to countries ruled by Islamic law. Unfortunately, women have very little custodial rights in those countries, so they don't cooperate with efforts to bring the children back to the US. This is not a condemnation of Islamic countries. It's just a fact of life. Under Islamic law the children belong to the father.

[b_fowler 0]

As Neonred pointed out: AlthoughI recommend getting the permission of the other parent in any situation!! I as a matter of fact had the same sort of situation with my fiancee and her daughter. One question is does the father want custody of the child or not, we tried to discuss him giving permission. He denied us at first. When we made the effort to get him on his own to give the permission, but he has remarried and has a son from another woman. He did not want to have the responsibility of his children, but just wanted to give my fiancee a hard time. I think in our case he was just jealous of my fiancee and wanted to give her a problem to deal with. As I have been told many times Russians are very jealous and envious people and tend to treat others with malice when others have something that is viewed as better. What we did to persuade him, was give him the responsibility of his daughter, note: I am not saying this particualarly fits your situation, it was just our circumstance. As with everything, posting may help someone else in a similiar situation!! That is why everyone comes to this site for assistance and support!! Good luck and I hope all goes well!!! They did not ask for any proof at the embassy during her interview, although that obviously does not mean that he could cause problems in Russia!!

Brian & Olga

I was just curious, when you said "give him the resposibility" does that mean a "bluff" and he caved?

What I said about "bluffs" only applies to me and our situation, it s not something I like to do, and in our case the guy proabbly would have said "OK" You need to be very sure about your situation as if he calls the bluff it puts you in a very difficult situation.

Yes, there seems to be the same envy or jealousy in Ukraine and there is no dount that is waht drove my wife's ex. It was definitely a "What do I get" negotiation.

I am surprised they did not ask for this letter. It was the one thing that was heavily scrutinized in our documentation. They barely glanced at the I-134 but they studied that father letter under strong light, literally!

Essentially yes he bluffed and caved!! He, In my opinion just wanted to give my wife a hard time. He knew she was leaving Russia and was jealous. I know a Russian family, which is how Olga and I met, that came here to the United States on a diversity visa. They have lived here for about 5 years, but they knew Olga and here former husband well. My friend told me that he was the type of person that once he "Had" someone he was kinda of jealous about that also. He alleged that I would bring his daughter here and push her into prostitution or sell her organs on the black market. Yes that leads one to believe that he had different motives, but all in all he did not back taking in and caring for his daughter. I cannot answer for why they did not ask for this letter, I agree they should ask for some documentation to confirm. We received his permission and had it notarized to cover ourselves. It would be the last thing I would want to have happen is to visit Russia and have my wife thrown in prison, or fine an astronomical amount because she took her daughter out of the country (without proper documentation).

Brian

[motu 5]

It's quite common for the remaining parent to bully or blackmail the parent going to USA - for most of them - USA is clearly a very rich country and their ex-spouse should be able to pay them at the very least (or they like to make it hard for them because of jealousy of his/her better status). Its a common advice given (especially in Colombia) to not disclose the reason to the remaining parent (of course they invariably find out what's going on - most other relatives already know and it gets out fast). But sometimes telling them that they want them to visit another country can get the permission (they can fake them out by saying they are going to Panama for example instead of disclosing USA). Not an easy task - most other countries the ex-spouse rarely supports the kids that are not residing with her/him in any case but feels the power and uses it when he/she can.

[venusfire503 54]

I'm a single dad of 2. Raised my 4 year old since he was 9 months old totally on my own. If my ex wife (who has weekends on and off) decided to take my kids out of the country, I'd be damned if I'd just say..."Great opportunity for the tots!" If there are two parents in the picture.....I think it is totally unfair to step in and try to drag a child across the globe. If the dad or mom is in the picture, think about the parent/child relationship.

I absolutely see your point. However, in this case, the OP says the father hasn't bothered to see the child in years (and isn't very good about paying child support either). Now that she wants to move, he's trying to keep her from taking the child. That doesn't sound to me like a father who is really "in the picture", or cares himself about the parent/child relationship. It sounds to me like a man who wants to use the child to control the mother. Using children is disgusting.

It goes both ways, too - I can't take my children to visit their new stepfamily because their father won't let me. He won't even give me a reason why. I don't think that's fair either. I can understand not wanting me to move them out of the country (not that I'd want to), but not allowing me to take them to visit family? I wanted to take them last summer when he was out of the country and wouldn't have seen them during that time anyway.

By the way, I'm impressed - single parenting isn't easy, especially with a baby!

venusfire

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

As Neonred pointed out: AlthoughI recommend getting the permission of the other parent in any situation!! I as a matter of fact had the same sort of situation with my fiancee and her daughter. One question is does the father want custody of the child or not, we tried to discuss him giving permission. He denied us at first. When we made the effort to get him on his own to give the permission, but he has remarried and has a son from another woman. He did not want to have the responsibility of his children, but just wanted to give my fiancee a hard time. I think in our case he was just jealous of my fiancee and wanted to give her a problem to deal with. As I have been told many times Russians are very jealous and envious people and tend to treat others with malice when others have something that is viewed as better. What we did to persuade him, was give him the responsibility of his daughter, note: I am not saying this particualarly fits your situation, it was just our circumstance. As with everything, posting may help someone else in a similiar situation!! That is why everyone comes to this site for assistance and support!! Good luck and I hope all goes well!!! They did not ask for any proof at the embassy during her interview, although that obviously does not mean that he could cause problems in Russia!!

Brian & Olga

I was just curious, when you said "give him the resposibility" does that mean a "bluff" and he caved?

What I said about "bluffs" only applies to me and our situation, it s not something I like to do, and in our case the guy proabbly would have said "OK" You need to be very sure about your situation as if he calls the bluff it puts you in a very difficult situation.

Yes, there seems to be the same envy or jealousy in Ukraine and there is no dount that is waht drove my wife's ex. It was definitely a "What do I get" negotiation.

I am surprised they did not ask for this letter. It was the one thing that was heavily scrutinized in our documentation. They barely glanced at the I-134 but they studied that father letter under strong light, literally!

Essentially yes he bluffed and caved!! He, In my opinion just wanted to give my wife a hard time. He knew she was leaving Russia and was jealous. I know a Russian family, which is how Olga and I met, that came here to the United States on a diversity visa. They have lived here for about 5 years, but they knew Olga and here former husband well. My friend told me that he was the type of person that once he "Had" someone he was kinda of jealous about that also. He alleged that I would bring his daughter here and push her into prostitution or sell her organs on the black market. Yes that leads one to believe that he had different motives, but all in all he did not back taking in and caring for his daughter. I cannot answer for why they did not ask for this letter, I agree they should ask for some documentation to confirm. We received his permission and had it notarized to cover ourselves. It would be the last thing I would want to have happen is to visit Russia and have my wife thrown in prison, or fine an astronomical amount because she took her daughter out of the country (without proper documentation).

Brian

Glad it worked out for you. I am not steely eyed enough for this, plus my wife's ex would probably take the boys and use them for punching bags, I cannot imagine Alla would take that risk, she would not even joke about that for fear of her son's well being. Glad it worked for you. All we did was give up the child support and I doubt he would have sent it anyway once she left. Her position was..."if you don't sign this I am not leaving and I will make SURE you pay all the child support"

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

It's quite common for the remaining parent to bully or blackmail the parent going to USA - for most of them - USA is clearly a very rich country and their ex-spouse should be able to pay them at the very least (or they like to make it hard for them because of jealousy of his/her better status). Its a common advice given (especially in Colombia) to not disclose the reason to the remaining parent (of course they invariably find out what's going on - most other relatives already know and it gets out fast). But sometimes telling them that they want them to visit another country can get the permission (they can fake them out by saying they are going to Panama for example instead of disclosing USA). Not an easy task - most other countries the ex-spouse rarely supports the kids that are not residing with her/him in any case but feels the power and uses it when he/she can.

Well, we pulled a bit of a rope-a-dope also. We hadn't disclosed our plans and Alla had him sign THREE letters, one for USA, one for Italy, and one for Russia. He only knew SOMETHING was up and she was getting SOMETHING better in life and he wanted in on it. Very typical behavior. So he signed all three letters (She did business with people in all three countries so it didn't surpise him she may be moving to ONE of them)

But yes, it eventually got out, it always does.

[Saratoga Drew 0]

I want to thank all of you for your advice! My fiancee, Maria, met with a lawyer and determined the ex husband had to meet two requirements; ex has to pay child support and visit the child. He only lives 20 minutes away and had not seen his son in six years. She received child support but he was not being up front about his income. She met with him and his new wife and explained either he sign the papers or she would take him to court seeking to remove him from the equation. After a few meetings he agreed to sign papers which I think was more of his new wife fearing the ramfications of court.

I believe in father's rights but I think after six years he gave up those rights.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I want to thank all of you for your advice! My fiancee, Maria, met with a lawyer and determined the ex husband had to meet two requirements; ex has to pay child support and visit the child. He only lives 20 minutes away and had not seen his son in six years. She received child support but he was not being up front about his income. She met with him and his new wife and explained either he sign the papers or she would take him to court seeking to remove him from the equation. After a few meetings he agreed to sign papers which I think was more of his new wife fearing the ramfications of court.

I believe in father's rights but I think after six years he gave up those rights.

Great!!!! Glad you worked it out and his price was so cheap.

I will say one thing for the FSU. Things like this get settled very quickly usually. This is because there are not many lawyers and the ones they do have get paid $200 per month (In Ukraine, may vary in Russia) plus under the table money which is usually fairly low in itself. In Ukraine, in a case like this the lawyers involved can expect to make about $100 each under the table, but that IS half a months pay. Something like this in the USA would cost many thousands in legal fees alone and the lawyers would keep get going for years.

Glad it worked out. Good luck

[baron555 934]

Here in Chicago we call it "consideration".

And, if you don't agree, then we send Guido and Luigi over to help you make up your mind!!!!

[b_fowler 0]

Glad it worked out for you. I am not steely eyed enough for this, plus my wife's ex would probably take the boys and use them for punching bags, I cannot imagine Alla would take that risk, she would not even joke about that for fear of her son's well being. Glad it worked for you. All we did was give up the child support and I doubt he would have sent it anyway once she left. Her position was..."if you don't sign this I am not leaving and I will make SURE you pay all the child support"

I appreciate it, I would have to agree though that every situation is different!! Motives seem to be the same, MONEY and JEALOUSY. I just know that if the fathers in any of the situations like these really does not have an interest in the child, and does not make the effort to be in their lives, the ultimately do not want that responsibility. There are exceptions to every rule, for instance the mothers that do not allow the fathers to see their children. It does happen, not in EVERY case, but it is worth noting. This board is to help those with questions, in the present and in the future, so anything we post here is for current and future benefit. I also want to state I am glad your circumstances worked out, note that anyone who reads our posts will have multiple means of negotiating this problem and deciding what will work best for them!! :-)

Brian & Olga

Edited June 13, 2009 by b_fowler

[Richard Webb 0]

i have one for you all. what if mother has had child since birth,full custody.father lives in another country than her or the child?he sends her money each month but its not documented and he only trys to see the child one time a year.child is 13.the mother and child are in philippines,father is in japan.

Edited June 14, 2009 by rwebb66

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

i have one for you all. what if mother has had child since birth,full custody.father lives in another country than her or the child?he sends her money each month but its not documented and he only trys to see the child one time a year.child is 13.the mother and child are in philippines,father is in japan.

Is the father's name on the birth certificate?