Permission letter

[anitacastillo 0]

Why is taking a child away from their birth father so okay with so many on VJ?? And the child has no say? Only what mom wants.

[Saratoga Drew 0]

Is it possible to hire "people" to have a difficult discussion with him?

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Why is taking a child away from their birth father so okay with so many on VJ?? And the child has no say? Only what mom wants.

well, lets see, if the child is under 18, then yes it is what the Mom wants that ultimately matters

And I will remind you, we "took nothing away" from the drunk, abusive father that beat his wife and children, we PAID for it. The fact a man would sell his legal interest in his children for less than $200 per month helped me decide it was a pretty damn good thing to do. But I may just being judgemental.

Oh, and the children are very happy about it also.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Is it possible to hire "people" to have a difficult discussion with him?

See, now this is directly or indirectly suggesting something illegal. This is not something you want to be involved with, most particularly in Russia, OK?

I do not suggest anything illegal, it is not necessary. He has his price. Find it. Pay it. Be happy. Don't complicate your life with other issues.

[chizkeyk 0]

Can they change their mind after you have letter?

Have the document notarized, so even if he change his mind you have a legal document to show. Goodluck.

[SuperDuper! 230]

I wish I had known Gary's advice before we hit this situation. I think it would have helped a lot. We are in a similar situation, but I think all the ex wants is to make Gabriellas life difficult.

No. He wants a bigger bribe. The saying "We KNOW what you are , now we are just establishing a price" comes to mind

Ex husbands in Russia and Ukraine tend to be drunk abusive, self centered jerks, other wise my wife would be his wife still. His loss, I assure you. They are usually interested in the source of their next bottle of vodka. Obviously not in their children, though they will occasionally actually pay child support, as in the OPs case. It isn't much, but it is many bottles of cheap potato vodka and they understand THAT

Ex-husbands in Vietnam tend to be the same way, and my fiancee's ex is no exception.

And I say...... "Thank you God!" Without dumb@ss ex husbands drinking away the world's best women...where would that leave us? LOL

But some of the women drive their men to drink...

[Neonred 3,522]

While it is never a good idea to use a child to this extent, one possibility is to contact the father ad try to work out the standard deal. If there is no success then (as a bluff?) the mother can tell the father she is leaving and the son well be sent to him to take care of. If he hasn't seen the child in 6 years what is the chance he wants to raise the kid now? I really hate this idea and think a reasonable payoff is better but it is one thought.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

But some of the women drive their men to drink...

Yep, true. You have to look at the totality of the situation. Was the husband a drunk before the marriage? After the divorce, did the drunk husband clean himself up and get his life together?

In my fiancee's case, she knew her husband liked to drink with his buddies before they were married, but she didn't know he was going to be an abusive drunk husband. In fact, she didn't really know him very well because the marriage was arranged by her parents. While not as common now in the big cities, arranged marriage is still very common in suburban and rural areas of Vietnam. After the divorce, her ex-husband's drinking became even worse. He now lives with his mother, and gets drunk pretty much every day. If I had to buy him off in order to get him to sign a quit claim for my fiancee's youngest daughter, I doubt it would take more than a couple hundred dollars. That's more than 2 months pay for many Vietnamese. Fortunately, I probably won't have to find out since her youngest daughter will probably be 18 before the interview.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

While it is never a good idea to use a child to this extent, one possibility is to contact the father ad try to work out the standard deal. If there is no success then (as a bluff?) the mother can tell the father she is leaving and the son well be sent to him to take care of. If he hasn't seen the child in 6 years what is the chance he wants to raise the kid now? I really hate this idea and think a reasonable payoff is better but it is one thought.

True, a responsible father, having been divorced might look at it and say "WOW, what a great opportunity for my children!" And make visiting arrangments, etc. Y'know, grown up kinds of things. But irresponsible fathers that suddenly take an interest in the children they used to abuse when the ex-wife and children have an opportunity and THEY don't, well, they just need to paid off and disposed of.

I do not care for "bluffs" myself, dangerous business. Best be prepared to do what is necessary and wait as long as necessary to get it done right in a court. This is just one of those factors you have to deal with and be prepared for before you start. We had the letter from the father even before filing the petition. Once the petition was filed, I did not want any surprises or complications, get those smoothed over first.

[SingleCharles 0]

Why is taking a child away from their birth father so okay with so many on VJ?? And the child has no say? Only what mom wants.

The child is not legally old enough to have a say. It is up to the mother and father. The father is an abuser of his son, an alcoholic and a drug abuser. He is a known burglar and extortionist. I have the police records to prove it. So you tell me, where is the better life? With a stable emotionally mature loving couple, or with a father that allows his five year old to drink his beer and watch him make love to his prostitutes?? AND WE NEVER SAID we wanted to exclude the father. From the beginning we offered to PAY to allow him to see his son, to forgive his child support payments (which he never pays but is close to going to jail because of failure to pay).

[Danu 19]

^^ That and a lot of the cases on VJ the father has never seen or hasn't seen the child in a very long time. That in my opinion is not taking the child away, as there is no contact with the sperm donor at all...which is what a lot of these guys seem to be unfortunately. A lot of VJ supports allowing visits back and forth too for fathers that do actually care. The ones that do actually care though usually arent the ones who cause these type of issues.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Why is taking a child away from their birth father so okay with so many on VJ?? And the child has no say? Only what mom wants.

The child is not legally old enough to have a say. It is up to the mother and father. The father is an abuser of his son, an alcoholic and a drug abuser. He is a known burglar and extortionist. I have the police records to prove it. So you tell me, where is the better life? With a stable emotionally mature loving couple, or with a father that allows his five year old to drink his beer and watch him make love to his prostitutes?? AND WE NEVER SAID we wanted to exclude the father. From the beginning we offered to PAY to allow him to see his son, to forgive his child support payments (which he never pays but is close to going to jail because of failure to pay).

Sounds like you have plenty of ammunition. "Sign this letter, be relieved of all child support, (past, present and future) or I have you thrown in jail"

Sorry your child has had to endure this. Believe me, he will appreciate a decent man around and have a chance at a normal marriage in the future because of you. Our oldest has said he is amazed that anything that comes up, Alla and I just fix it together. She does something and tells me or I do something and tell her or we do it together or ask the other. He says he feels much better knowing there is TWO people supporting him. I encourage him in school, call him when I know he has or had an exam "How did you do?" "Good job!" Seems kinda normal to me. Too bad a kid is 18 before he sees what it can be like. The youngest is glad to learn to drive the tractor, go fishing (which he said he didn't like LOL) build a birdhouse and have someone to play cards and chess with and he never has to see his mother be afriad of her husband's hands. When he plays basketball, someone is there to encourage him, and I don't even like basketball. Neither ever hears a word from their father, who could certainly call or send a letter or something, we would not prevent them from talking to their father.

There is no doubt in my mind we did the right thing. Sorry to go on and on about this topic, but child and wife abusers...I wouldn't waste my spit on them.

[b_fowler 0]

As Neonred pointed out: AlthoughI recommend getting the permission of the other parent in any situation!! I as a matter of fact had the same sort of situation with my fiancee and her daughter. One question is does the father want custody of the child or not, we tried to discuss him giving permission. He denied us at first. When we made the effort to get him on his own to give the permission, but he has remarried and has a son from another woman. He did not want to have the responsibility of his children, but just wanted to give my fiancee a hard time. I think in our case he was just jealous of my fiancee and wanted to give her a problem to deal with. As I have been told many times Russians are very jealous and envious people and tend to treat others with malice when others have something that is viewed as better. What we did to persuade him, was give him the responsibility of his daughter, note: I am not saying this particualarly fits your situation, it was just our circumstance. As with everything, posting may help someone else in a similiar situation!! That is why everyone comes to this site for assistance and support!! Good luck and I hope all goes well!!! They did not ask for any proof at the embassy during her interview, although that obviously does not mean that he could cause problems in Russia!!

Brian & Olga

Edited June 7, 2009 by b_fowler

[b_fowler 0]

I do not know how your Russian is, or if you can read it to your fiance but my wife wants to post for you here:

ваш бывший муж должен понимать .что вы все равно уедите с ребенком или без него.поверьте я через это прошла и пролила много слез.я просто собрала вещи моей дочери и отвезла ее к мужу и его настоящей жене.у них нет детей вообще и я думаю уже не будет им по 44 года.мы с мужем разведены уже 9 лет и он появлялся раз в три месяца все это время и вдруг воспылал заботой и любовью.поверьте никому не нужен чужой ребенок и забота о нем.они взяли дочь и через сутки привезли и дали разрешение на выезд когда я пригласила его к нотариусу.правда я тайно еще встретилась с его женой и просила помочь и она меня поддержала.даже если вы знаете что не сможете выйти на контакт с женой вашего мужа вашего мужа я думаю тем более она будет против.я тоже очень боялась. но получилось все очень просто .моей дочери 11 лет мне 34 и мы всегда жили вдвоем.сейчас мы уже в Америке и счастливы желаем вам удачи не бойтесь.

Ольга

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

As Neonred pointed out: AlthoughI recommend getting the permission of the other parent in any situation!! I as a matter of fact had the same sort of situation with my fiancee and her daughter. One question is does the father want custody of the child or not, we tried to discuss him giving permission. He denied us at first. When we made the effort to get him on his own to give the permission, but he has remarried and has a son from another woman. He did not want to have the responsibility of his children, but just wanted to give my fiancee a hard time. I think in our case he was just jealous of my fiancee and wanted to give her a problem to deal with. As I have been told many times Russians are very jealous and envious people and tend to treat others with malice when others have something that is viewed as better. What we did to persuade him, was give him the responsibility of his daughter, note: I am not saying this particualarly fits your situation, it was just our circumstance. As with everything, posting may help someone else in a similiar situation!! That is why everyone comes to this site for assistance and support!! Good luck and I hope all goes well!!! They did not ask for any proof at the embassy during her interview, although that obviously does not mean that he could cause problems in Russia!!

Brian & Olga

I was just curious, when you said "give him the resposibility" does that mean a "bluff" and he caved?

What I said about "bluffs" only applies to me and our situation, it s not something I like to do, and in our case the guy proabbly would have said "OK" You need to be very sure about your situation as if he calls the bluff it puts you in a very difficult situation.

Yes, there seems to be the same envy or jealousy in Ukraine and there is no dount that is waht drove my wife's ex. It was definitely a "What do I get" negotiation.

I am surprised they did not ask for this letter. It was the one thing that was heavily scrutinized in our documentation. They barely glanced at the I-134 but they studied that father letter under strong light, literally!