advice and help

[Sandrila 1]

First off you are not dealing with a normal human you are dealing with a sociopath. Sociopaths are people without a conscience, they don’t have normal empathy the rest of us take for granted. They don’t feel affection, they don’t care about others. They are good observers, and they have learned how to mimic feelings of affection and empathy remarkable well.

Most people with a conscience find it very difficult to even imagine what it would be like to be without one. Combine this with a sociopath’s efforts to blend in, and the result is that most sociopaths go undetected. As far as taking the upper hand, REMEMBER HE IS NOT ON THE SAME PAGE AS THE REST OF US, what you perceive as love he sees as a weakness.

Usually they go undetected, they wreak havoc on their family; on people they work with and on anyone who tries to be their friend. A sociopath deceives, takes what he wants, and hurts people without any remorse. SOCIOPATHS DON’T FEEL GUILTY. They don’t feel sorry for what they’ve done. They go through life taking what they want and giving nothing back. They manipulate and deceive and convincingly lie without the slightest second thought. They leave a path of confusion and upset in their wake.

We know in the field that sociopath’s brains function differently than normal people. Their brains function in a way that makes their emotional life redeemable shallow. Yet they are capable of mimicking emotions like professional actors. In my field we classify them as antisocial personality disorder. Sociopaths don't have normal affection with other people. They don't feel attached to others. They don't feel love. And that is why they don't have a conscience.

If you harmed someone, even someone you didn't know, you would feel guilt and remorse. Why? Because you have a natural affinity for other human beings. You know how it feels to suffer, to fear, to feel anguish. You care about others.

If you hurt someone you love, the guilt and remorse would be very bad because of your affection for him or her. Take that attachment and affection away and you take away remorse, guilt, and any kind of normal feelings of fairness. That's a sociopath.

So just keep safe and I would scrap taking the high road, you are not dealing with someone who would know fair and just, you are dealing with a predator.

The big question is, of course, how can you know whether someone is a sociopath or not? It is a difficult question and even experts on the subject can be fooled. If you suspect that someone close to you is a sociopath, compare that person to the other people in your life.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you often feel used by the person?

2. Have you often felt that he doesn't care about you?

3. Does he lie and deceive you?

4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?

5. Does he tend to take from you and not give back much?

6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he seem to try to make you feel sorry for him?

7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?

8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage of your good nature?

9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant stimulation?

10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even if he says nothing overtly complimentary?

11. Does he make you feel worried? Does he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily?

12. Does he give you the impression you owe him?

13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but himself?

And does he do these things far more than the other people in your life? If you answered "yes" to many of these, you may be dealing with a sociopath. For sure you're dealing with someone who isn't good for you, whatever you want to call him.

"If ... you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath."

What he wants is chilling he wants to win,, take away the love and relationship and all you have left is winning the game, whatever the game is. A sociopath's goal is to win. And he is willing to do anything at all to win.

Sociopaths have nothing else to think about, so they can be very clever and conniving. Sociopaths are not busy being concerned with relationships or moral dilemmas or conflicting feelings, so they have much more time to think about clever ways to gain your trust and stab you in the back, and how do it without anyone knowing what's happening.

Boredom is a constant problem for sociopaths and they have an incessant urge to keep up a level of stimulation, even negative stimulation (drama, worry, upset, etc.).

And here I might mention that the research shows sociopaths don't feel emotions the same way normal people do. For example, they don't experience fear as unpleasant. This goes a long way to explaining the inexplicable behavior you'll see in sociopaths. Some feelings that you and I might find intolerable might not bother them at all.

There is no known cure or therapy for sociopathy. In fact,

some evidence suggests that therapy makes them worse because they use it to learn more about human vulnerabilities they can then exploit. They learn how to manipulate better and they learn better excuses that others will believe.

Given all that, there is only one solution for dealing with a sociopath: Get him or her completely out of your life for good. This seems radical, and of course, you want to be fairly sure your diagnosis is correct, but you need to protect yourself from the drain on your time, attention, money, and good attitude. Healing or helping a sociopath is a pointless waste of your life. That is not your mission. It's not your responsibility. You have your own goals and your own life, and those are your responsibility.

Get him out now sweetie, and screw his feelings, because really, he doesn’t have any.

Ganja Girl

This was very informative. Even I learned something. It is hard to believe that someone you trust so implicity would actually go to great lengths psychologically or psychotically to manipulate you ,break you down and f&$! your head because they have nothing better to do. The fact that some people are so derranged from their own pain and misfortunes that they can turn everything around on you and actually make YOU think you are crazy.

Whew...it gets to be exhausting.

Edited June 8, 2009 by Sandrila

[Sandrila 1]

I have been in a mentally abusive relationship in the past and I can tell you that I believe it is worse than actually being hit. They destroy you from the head down. They creep into your mind and make you doubt everything that you believe. I posted earlier and stated that you will wonder what the H*ll you stayed so long for once the dust settles on this thing. I also had the crazy ex mother in law who perpetuated her son's bad behaviors. Once we divorced he moved back in with her. In the mean time they have had it out and he's living with his Aunt. All the while, I am here, remarried in my same house with my kids living a normal life. I promise it will all come out in the wash who was the crazy one in this situation. It always does.

It is so sad that some actually need to protect themselves from the ones who say they love them the most.

I feel that was a good desciption Betsy.

[Brad and Vika 129]

First off you are not dealing with a normal human you are dealing with a sociopath. Sociopaths are people without a conscience, they don’t have normal empathy the rest of us take for granted. They don’t feel affection, they don’t care about others. They are good observers, and they have learned how to mimic feelings of affection and empathy remarkable well.

Most people with a conscience find it very difficult to even imagine what it would be like to be without one. Combine this with a sociopath’s efforts to blend in, and the result is that most sociopaths go undetected. As far as taking the upper hand, REMEMBER HE IS NOT ON THE SAME PAGE AS THE REST OF US, what you perceive as love he sees as a weakness.

Usually they go undetected, they wreak havoc on their family; on people they work with and on anyone who tries to be their friend. A sociopath deceives, takes what he wants, and hurts people without any remorse. SOCIOPATHS DON’T FEEL GUILTY. They don’t feel sorry for what they’ve done. They go through life taking what they want and giving nothing back. They manipulate and deceive and convincingly lie without the slightest second thought. They leave a path of confusion and upset in their wake.

We know in the field that sociopath’s brains function differently than normal people. Their brains function in a way that makes their emotional life redeemable shallow. Yet they are capable of mimicking emotions like professional actors. In my field we classify them as antisocial personality disorder. Sociopaths don't have normal affection with other people. They don't feel attached to others. They don't feel love. And that is why they don't have a conscience.

If you harmed someone, even someone you didn't know, you would feel guilt and remorse. Why? Because you have a natural affinity for other human beings. You know how it feels to suffer, to fear, to feel anguish. You care about others.

If you hurt someone you love, the guilt and remorse would be very bad because of your affection for him or her. Take that attachment and affection away and you take away remorse, guilt, and any kind of normal feelings of fairness. That's a sociopath.

So just keep safe and I would scrap taking the high road, you are not dealing with someone who would know fair and just, you are dealing with a predator.

The big question is, of course, how can you know whether someone is a sociopath or not? It is a difficult question and even experts on the subject can be fooled. If you suspect that someone close to you is a sociopath, compare that person to the other people in your life.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you often feel used by the person?

2. Have you often felt that he doesn't care about you?

3. Does he lie and deceive you?

4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?

5. Does he tend to take from you and not give back much?

6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he seem to try to make you feel sorry for him?

7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?

8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage of your good nature?

9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant stimulation?

10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even if he says nothing overtly complimentary?

11. Does he make you feel worried? Does he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily?

12. Does he give you the impression you owe him?

13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but himself?

And does he do these things far more than the other people in your life? If you answered "yes" to many of these, you may be dealing with a sociopath. For sure you're dealing with someone who isn't good for you, whatever you want to call him.

"If ... you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent that you are dealing with a sociopath."

What he wants is chilling he wants to win,, take away the love and relationship and all you have left is winning the game, whatever the game is. A sociopath's goal is to win. And he is willing to do anything at all to win.

Sociopaths have nothing else to think about, so they can be very clever and conniving. Sociopaths are not busy being concerned with relationships or moral dilemmas or conflicting feelings, so they have much more time to think about clever ways to gain your trust and stab you in the back, and how do it without anyone knowing what's happening.

Boredom is a constant problem for sociopaths and they have an incessant urge to keep up a level of stimulation, even negative stimulation (drama, worry, upset, etc.).

And here I might mention that the research shows sociopaths don't feel emotions the same way normal people do. For example, they don't experience fear as unpleasant. This goes a long way to explaining the inexplicable behavior you'll see in sociopaths. Some feelings that you and I might find intolerable might not bother them at all.

There is no known cure or therapy for sociopathy. In fact, some evidence suggests that therapy makes them worse because they use it to learn more about human vulnerabilities they can then exploit. They learn how to manipulate better and they learn better excuses that others will believe.

Given all that, there is only one solution for dealing with a sociopath: Get him or her completely out of your life for good. This seems radical, and of course, you want to be fairly sure your diagnosis is correct, but you need to protect yourself from the drain on your time, attention, money, and good attitude. Healing or helping a sociopath is a pointless waste of your life. That is not your mission. It's not your responsibility. You have your own goals and your own life, and those are your responsibility.

Get him out now sweetie, and screw his feelings, because really, he doesn’t have any.

Very interesting. Are there shades of grey to this disorder? It looks to me like these folks are all around us - but in differing degrees.

[raymaga 25]

The fact that you say you "still love" this man is very disturbing. Do you even know what love means? Love does not make you feel the way you are feeling and have been feeling for far too long. You are mistaking the feelings you have for love. This is clearly not a relationship where, even in the widest stretch of the imagination, love could come into play.

You have deep self-esteem issues that need to be dealt with in order for you to provide positive parenting for your children, as well as some normalcy in your own life.

You have allowed yourself to be a door mat for far too long, and this relationship is clearly self-destructive.

You do not want to hear anyone's advice, you do not want to help yourself or your children, and you do not want to move on, so I am just not clear on why you keep asking for anyone's advice.

Get some help, dear, NOW..... every day you are doing yourself and your children more harm.

He must be an a--hole.... how you could even "think" you ever loved him is beyond me.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but we're all getting tired of this saga.

[~Jess~ 0]

why are a bunch of old threads being dragged to the top again.... *scratches head*

[amysaid 9]

why are a bunch of old threads being dragged to the top again.... *scratches head*

I dragged one up (the DHL tracking one) after I found it in a search here on VJ for other people using DHL... i guess it must be something similar

[~Jess~ 0]

why are a bunch of old threads being dragged to the top again.... *scratches head*

I dragged one up (the DHL tracking one) after I found it in a search here on VJ for other people using DHL... i guess it must be something similar

but thats relavent to the pending cases here.....this however...isnt.

[amal 4]

I didn't read the whole thread so I hope this isn't a repost.....

Have you considered printing out your posts here in VJ along with the dates to which they were submitted? Would this be SOME proof of how he's been towards you since he got here? Are there any emails you could use as well to show that you've been reaching out for help for a LONG LONG time about him?

GET AN ATTORNEY!!!!! If he's muslim (plz excuse me for forgetting this but it's been a long time since i've been in here) get a sheik to go over your rights with you and STAND FIRM that you get what's YOURS!!!!! He's been nothing but nasty to you and you deserve to be able to start your life without him WITHOUT hurting for the things you need.

Do NOT let this man get away with taking the rest of your life away. You are far to good to let that happen!!! Remember that I love you soooooooo much and if you need ANYTHING...plz do not hesitate to call me! If you don't have my number, pm me and I'll get it to you again.

amal

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I didn't read the whole thread so I hope this isn't a repost.....

Have you considered printing out your posts here in VJ along with the dates to which they were submitted? Would this be SOME proof of how he's been towards you since he got here? Are there any emails you could use as well to show that you've been reaching out for help for a LONG LONG time about him?

GET AN ATTORNEY!!!!! If he's muslim (plz excuse me for forgetting this but it's been a long time since i've been in here) get a sheik to go over your rights with you and STAND FIRM that you get what's YOURS!!!!! He's been nothing but nasty to you and you deserve to be able to start your life without him WITHOUT hurting for the things you need.

Do NOT let this man get away with taking the rest of your life away. You are far to good to let that happen!!! Remember that I love you soooooooo much and if you need ANYTHING...plz do not hesitate to call me! If you don't have my number, pm me and I'll get it to you again.

amal

This was an old post. I do not know why anyone drug it up. We are no longer living together. I do not want to hurt him or do anything to him. I just want to get a divorce and try to survive what I have already been through.

He is not trying to take anything from me. He has his papers, that was all he ever cared about, not me. I have had to accept that. I spent time in the hospital being treated for a heart attack over it. I loved him the very best I could. I still love him. I wish him well. He was my little boys dad. He just didnt love me.

[amal 4]

I'm so sorry {{{{hugs}}}}

[SaadBell 0]

You had a heart attack, OMG Kat you deserve so much more. What I know is what you throw out in your life either positive or negative will always come back to you one way or another. He will get his back one day, for all the nasty things he did to you will come right back to him one day in his life. There are good men out there, you hang in there, one day when I am finally done with my internship and making money I am coming down to see you girl, I think about you all the time and always send out positive vibs. Just remember you are never alone.

[Muh and me 18]

Kat, you are in my prayers!