Frustration towards marriage -- any help, opinions, relief?

[baron555 934]

Here's my take:

What we all here are trying to do, to engage in an international relationship. to develop a relationship in reverse (get to know the person with little physical contact with the person), to commit to the process, is very strange to the normal person.

Most people will not have the courage or the conviction to do what we all are trying to do.

We know we must make exceptions and must be strong. We are all weak but it is the drive towards each other that keeps us going.

This is just one of the many tests of your relationship that we all will encounter. You are only seeing that in him and you will show your weak side to him eventually also.

If your relationship is strong, then the other person will recognize this as one of those tests, and you both can talk about it and work through it.

"Hey honey, I'm seeing another test of our relationship!"

Talk about it with him. You both NEED to maintain constant communication; that is the key to a relationship's long term success.

Again. most people will not have the courage to do what we all are trying to do. You both DO have the courage. It is OK to be afraid when you are also slaying the dragon.

[AKguy 1]

There really needs to be a 4th option for us people. The ,"Try before you buy" 1 year Visa.

I'm in the same boat as a lot of people. You have to piece together visits and vacations and make a choice based on all the facts you have from what amounts to not a lot of real time together. If you want to continue to be with this person, you have to get married. Yes I want to get married to my girl, yes she wants to marry me, yet we both want more time to just be together before we take this huge step.

I can see where your SO came from with his comments and I agree in the thinking that he just doesn't like the system. I hope so anyway! I think a lot of people get those last minute jitters before getting married, and now add the stress of this process in the mix. His mind is probably going crazy, much like your own. (I don't mean that in a bad way) I'm sure it will all work out. Guys unintentionally say the dumbest things. He's good if he takes the time to explain himself though. I'd worry if he just said it and left it at that.

Good luck!

[jundp 191]

To the OP: we waited a bit over a year before filing for the K1. Then when he got his visa he waited another 4 months before coming here to tie up loose ends back home. We made as many visits as possible in that time and we talked A LOT. We had plenty of misunderstandings along the way, some cultural, some just my personality and his personality. We're both extremely open minded and we're both also open to communication, something I imagine most of us here must be.

Hang in there, but if it feels in your gut that it's something you need to address, then you probably should address it.

[chimcham 18]

I totally feel the same way...I'm not even engaged yet but I feel like its totally unfair that this is the only option for me. (My work wont transfer me on the L1, particularly because of the current economic situation). ~I have written a few posts on here expressing this!

It's awful...but in any long distance relationship, we tend to move quicker, because you need to determine early on if the long distance is worth it.

I feel similar frustraions because we were sure I would be able to come down on a work visa...now we HAVE to get married to be together...and he doesn't understand the process, and I spend alot of time doing research on here(hehe) so when the time comes, we will know exactly what to do.

Hang in there....I feel sensitive too...however he wants you to move down...I think he is just expressing a similar frustration we all have...

Edited May 21, 2009 by chimcham

[Sam and Ben 2]

I would reply to everyone individually... but that'd be a lot of repetition.

First off, I want to say to everyone, thank you.

I've talked with him since, and he confirmed everything that you all have pointed out. Although the process is backward, we're getting married because we love each other and ultimately want to end up together, albeit we're going a little faster than he would like.

And chimcham, I'm right there with you... He doesn't get any of this process, I've been the one sitting here on VJ day in and out, filling out the forms and all of that... while he's been scratching his head wondering at "their" stupidity, heh...

It's all very frustrating, but thankfully we have this incredible website to turn to, and all of you.

Hopefully another visit on the way will soothe our nerves. Outside of that light at the end of the (ever lengthening) tunnel, that's our only solace, haha.

Thank you, everyone, for your patient responses.

[JANETandLYLE 11]

Let me apologize first for the mild rant I'm about to embark on...

I felt so wrong in feeling this way -- that I was all alone in this process -- and reading through some of these posts made me feel so relieved in seeing that there are others out there feeling this way too (as is the joy of VJ in the first place).

I worked tirelessly on our I-129F package (I'm the beneficiary), as I do general bookkeeping for work, etc, and I'm altogether handier when it comes to paperwork. Heck, I spent half of my two week vacation down to see him working on organizing everything! That wasn't exactly a walk in the park, but he was helpful enough in helping me get together his half of the evidence, his receipts, etc. Still, a lot of work on my end.

And please don't get me wrong, I don't mind ANY of it.

But I think he takes my cavalier attitude towards where I live and the only mild obligations I have here for granted. I don't think he fully understands that I am still picking up and moving my entire life from the only place I've ever known. There is no doubt that I want to marry him -- commitment, plans, the whole nine yards -- and there is no one else on this earth I would consider doing anything of this for.

Yet a couple of days ago, vaguely related to whatever discussion we were having at the time, he drops a comment that has stuck with me since then: "I wish they wouldn't force us to marry right away, it'd be nice to get to know each other in the sense of living together and working toward something without all of that first..."

I'm a wee bit sensitive because of the loose ends I've been tying up and the work I'm trying to close at my company so that they won't be left stranded when I'm gone... it's a lot to take on. But I realize I might be a WEE bit touchy on the subject. However, when pressed a bit, he basically explained that though marriage is definitely an end target for me and him, it's not something he ever would've considered right now if not for our circumstances.

I obviously feel quite different... I would've looked to marriage and starting our life together in this way even if we lived two doors down... so I guess I'm a little startled by this. He told me not to mistake him.. he did WANT to marry me... just that things weren't necessarily going in the order he chose.

Someone please tell me... am I just extremely paranoid? I never thought of this as a "yeah, so, we want to be together, so this is the way to make it happen..." I even offered to him at the time of this discussion that we could pull the petition and just go about visiting until he felt he was ready... to which he just got upset and told me that he of course didn't want that.

On top of all of that, he's looking at the 90 days as too short, whereas I was hoping to get married almost immediately, so that we could get on processing my ap/ead/aos, etc. The wedding has never been something I cared about anyhow, so it's not like we need a ton of time to plan for 15 or so people...

I'm quite lost as to how to process this in my mind, I guess, and would welcome any sort of insight into this.

In my opinion, he's not quite ready to step up to this committment of being married, but will since it is required in the process. I'm not sure he is ready to do this! You two might need to have a talk about all this. Maybe this is happening too fast for him to be comfortable at this point. Just my two cents worth...

[ozone_1974 1]

^^

He already explained what he meant.

Personally, I think it proves one thing .. he does have a head well placed on his shoulders and he's using it (which is a very good thing) ! I do not see anything wrong with his way of thinking, this is pretty logical and there is absolutely nothing in what he said that indicate he is not ready for marriage.

[PB&JAM 1]

i understand where he is coming from. I am so in love with my fiance and dying to marry him, but i wish we could have more time together in person before marriage. its going to be a bit of challenge cause its kinda nice to ease into something so huge. does that make sense? you know, enjoy courtship, enjoy being engaged. thats kinda a step we have to skip in his process...so yeah, i wouldnt take offense to that. Its understandable imo.

[Carlawarla 1]

I usually only log on in the morning Sam, so I didn't see this posting until now. Seems like you got some wonderful advise here, and then talked to Ben and sorted things out. I haven't seen you post before, so just wanted to welcome you to VJ, and the Canada Forum.

[thetreble 19]

Sam- I was the one, as the woman and the immigrant, who felt like your husband felt. I still say to this day if I would have been given a normal circumstance, I would have continue to date him for years and wouldn't have gotten married to my late 20s. We dated for 2.5 years long distance before I decided to go there for a long visit, in which he ended up proposing.

But I had the same feelings as your soon-to-be. I was the one doing all the paper work like you, but I was frustrated at the fact that I had to leave everything behind and get married, when all I wanted to do was be with him and date.

Unfortunately, that's not how things happen though. Be positive and be strong and thank him fro his honesty.

One last thing though-I noticed from your time line that you have only been to the US once and it was only about a month and a half ago? You might want to make a few more trips to where you are going to be living first before you take the jump to move there. Marrying someone is one thing. If you love each other, you love each other.

However, when you agree to move somewhere and move your whole life there...and you've only been there once, your geographical location can play so much into how you feel about your life. I know for me, I had been to NJ at least 15 or 20 times in the years we dated long distance, went to his family parties, weddings, showers, etc. and when I finally moved here it was nothing like it was when I was just a visitor. That is my greatest piece of advice, I guess. Make sure you know where you are re-locating to because if you don't like it when you get there, everything in your life pretty much suffers.

Edited May 21, 2009 by thetreble

[warlord 73]

My wife and I both feel that way as your husband does. I was on a TN status and no clue if I was going to keep the job I had at the time. We knew we were going to get married eventually, but weren't really ready to do it only after a year of dating. When we found out my job might be in termoil, she suggested we get married now quickly because she couldn't handle me having to leave the country like that. We did and that was it. In fact even yesterday we both talked about it jokingly, but both of us feel we did rush it and definatly needed more time before actually jumping into getting married.

There was a lot of stuff she needed/wanted to do since she was out of some crappy relationships and I needed to do stuff for myself too etc. But we don't regret it at all after 5 years (or is it 6 now?) of marriage, we just both wish we had that option of waiting another year or two rather then do it when we did.

So I wouldn't take that as an insult at all what he said to you...

[Sprailenes 47]

I felt the same way. But its a choice you make, sure you may feel like its being "forced" upon you, but you have the choice to go the route you're going at the moment you are. It really is in your hands, even if it doesn't feel like it is. I wouldn't take it too personally, a lot of people feel the same way.

We are not in typical relationships here.

[Sam and Ben 2]

Sam- I was the one, as the woman and the immigrant, who felt like your husband felt. I still say to this day if I would have been given a normal circumstance, I would have continue to date him for years and wouldn't have gotten married to my late 20s. We dated for 2.5 years long distance before I decided to go there for a long visit, in which he ended up proposing.

But I had the same feelings as your soon-to-be. I was the one doing all the paper work like you, but I was frustrated at the fact that I had to leave everything behind and get married, when all I wanted to do was be with him and date.

Unfortunately, that's not how things happen though. Be positive and be strong and thank him fro his honesty.

One last thing though-I noticed from your time line that you have only been to the US once and it was only about a month and a half ago? You might want to make a few more trips to where you are going to be living first before you take the jump to move there. Marrying someone is one thing. If you love each other, you love each other.

However, when you agree to move somewhere and move your whole life there...and you've only been there once, your geographical location can play so much into how you feel about your life. I know for me, I had been to NJ at least 15 or 20 times in the years we dated long distance, went to his family parties, weddings, showers, etc. and when I finally moved here it was nothing like it was when I was just a visitor. That is my greatest piece of advice, I guess. Make sure you know where you are re-locating to because if you don't like it when you get there, everything in your life pretty much suffers.

I have only been to the US once, yes, with another trip on the way late next month. But trips are hard -- unfortunately, though it'd be a nice idea to travel back and forth monthly, like some VJers have, neither of us have that luxury. I'm happy enough that my current employer is so understanding about this whole process that I can take leave every couple of months, for him here or I there, but more than that is impossible.

I guess for my situation, since he is currently living with his family, and I will be too for a little while, I was immediately involved in their comings and goings and it all felt so natural to me. Coming home, I felt like a stranger here... and that may sound odd, I suppose, but ever since I've been back there's a strange detachment to my actual home, since it's not where I feel I belong now. But I've never had a great sense of attachment here... and though I haven't moved much in my life, the area means, really, nothing to me.

Added bonus that the sunshine kills a lot of ailments that pain me (big bonus!).

I appreciate the advice, though. From everyone.

I feel much, much better after having spoken with all of you, then with him. I was mistaking his frustration towards the process as, in a sense, cold feet... which is normal, yes, but scary when considering a move! But it isn't this at all, and I do trust him with that.

This place is such a comfort through all of the craziness, I must say!

And thank you for the welcome, Carla. Outside of the WoW thread in the Canada region, and a few random posts while compiling the package, I've been lurking and leeching off experience this whole time, hehe. It's far nicer to chat with you folks than lurking about, though.

[trailmix 77]

Oh and we live just outside Orlando too! In Lake Mary. Certainly if you like warm and hot hot weather, this is the place to be. Although it has rained non stop for over 2 days (but this is the rainy season!)

Does your fiance live in Orlando or in a suburb?

Edited May 21, 2009 by trailmix

[Sam and Ben 2]

Oh and we live just outside Orlando too! In Lake Mary. Certainly if you like warm and hot hot weather, this is the place to be. Although it has rained non stop for over 2 days (but this is the rainy season!)

Does your fiance live in Orlando or in a suburb?

Thankfully not in Orlando proper -- he lives in Casselberry. Beautiful place, imo.

And I've been laughing at his weather, as we've had nothing but sunshine and high 70's/lower 80's for days.