ok mena i have a question for all you couples

[thetreble 19]

Interesting topic.

I believe in having common money (a joint checking account, joint savings account) as well as personal money. I certain amount of my paycheck fro the bills and mortgage goes to the joint account, and the rest stays in my personal account. Do I buys things for the house or our lives out of my own money? Of course. Do I purchase things for myself, like shoes, etc. with my personal money? Of course. Why? Because I work hard every day and right now I can afford to keep a little money aside for things I need once and awhile. If we were desperate then I'd put all my money in the joint account. However, I need to put gas in my car, some times eat on the go, etc.

Unfortunately, many people don't know how to spend only when they need to and this leads to the big problems. I don't feel I need to inform my husband that I'm buying shoes with my personal money. But if I'm buying anything out of our joint money, I'd inform my husband.

[merijan 0]

we discuss any major decision, appliances, cars, electronics, etc and we talk to each other when we're buying something out of the ordinary, things that we don't buy every day, like when i spent $300 on cloth diapers the other day, we discussed it first, i didn't just go and bought it. we usually don't just go and buy stuff without talking to each other first, unless for example i'm buying brazilian food online, or he's working on something in the house and he needede to replace, things like that.

Charles works on things in the house??? r u sure???

[Nessa 23]

we discuss any major decision, appliances, cars, electronics, etc and we talk to each other when we're buying something out of the ordinary, things that we don't buy every day, like when i spent $300 on cloth diapers the other day, we discussed it first, i didn't just go and bought it. we usually don't just go and buy stuff without talking to each other first, unless for example i'm buying brazilian food online, or he's working on something in the house and he needede to replace, things like that.

Charles works on things in the house??? r u sure???

yes he does a lot when it comes to fix things, he's the person in charge of ''changing the light bulb''. he also does all the yard work. i'm responsible with the majority of the house work (he helps me some) and i'm responsible of taking care of the baby.

so yeah, we share. he brings home the bacon, i bring home the eggs :lol": and we both do things around the house.

[Nagishkaw 510]

yes he does a lot when it comes to fix things, he's the person in charge of ''changing the light bulb''. he also does all the yard work. i'm responsible with the majority of the house work (he helps me some) and i'm responsible of taking care of the baby.

so yeah, we share. he brings home the bacon, i bring home the eggs :lol": and we both do things around the house.

[sandinista! 1,816]

yes, most of the mena men think they can just come here and have free access to go buy without any consideration. The person who has been running the house knows what is expected for this month, any extras coming up, what can be spent etc so you just cant run out and get extra things sometimes, and at the grocery store you need to learn to look and compare the prices not just reach for something that looks good to you, same with any clothes or shoes, there are all different prices sometimes you just may not can reach for the most expensive (and the most expensive doesnt always mean it better) another thought they usually bring with them

trina it just takes a while to get them over this me me me phase

since when do you speak for "most mena men"? i'm married to one, and don't relate to any of this at all. and neither do most of the people i know. it's certainly not a cultural norm for a man from that area to live off of a female, much less carelessly and recklessly. that makes no sense, whatsoever. my husband brought enough money with him when he moved here to take care of us until he could work. when and where did careless freeloader come to be thought of as remotely normal?

[trinket 30]

Well i agree and i know it is important to have communication.before spending or blowing money on expensive things like what people said here (BMW,new home.........)

But do you think you have to communication when you want to buy pair of shoes ? do you think you have to talk about it with your mate and ask him/her for a permission to buy your personal stuff like pair of shoes,t-shirts,pants..........?

Yes if its a $400 shoe , seriously though on a day to day basis, no I don't ask permission/discussion about every small thing. If I need a pair of slippers for me, I go buy it (even if its him bringing home the bacon for now). For cloth shopping though, I take him with me, its not anything like asking permission, but more like ---- hey handsome, will you come with me for some shopping this friday, I want to buy some cloths and I would love to have your opinion on what looks good on me.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

We talked about this subject before we got married.

Anything over _____ amount is to be agreed upon before purchase. If I want to buy something for myself.. I would just buy it and then tell him. On the other hand, I dont go and buy $200 pairs of shoes either lol.

As others have said, it all depends on you guys as a couple. What works for some doesnt work for others. I dont think you are out of line to find it odd that your spouse is out buying things without talking to you though.

[AlHayatZween 2]

M&T,

i agree w/ what everybody posted... every couple is different.

But communication is key, and it's good to talk about big purchases before they are made.

Good luck!

[doodlebugg 10]

This is interesting. The issue hasn't come up for us yet since we haven't really made any major purchases that we'd need to discuss with each other. I'd say there's a definite dollar limit though. I mean he goes to Marshalls a lot but only comes home with things like socks, a pair of pants, etc. That stuff is so trivial I don't think it warrants a discussion but if he or I were to go out and purchase a new refridgerator or lawn mower you'd better believe there should be discussion first. I guess just on big ticket items that are over $200 or so.

In general though we have our own pocket money and all the rest gets pooled into financing everyday expenses for food, shelter, etc.

[tenderheartusa79 14]

This is interesting. The issue hasn't come up for us yet since we haven't really made any major purchases that we'd need to discuss with each other. I'd say there's a definite dollar limit though. I mean he goes to Marshalls a lot but only comes home with things like socks, a pair of pants, etc. That stuff is so trivial I don't think it warrants a discussion but if he or I were to go out and purchase a new refridgerator or lawn mower you'd better believe there should be discussion first. I guess just on big ticket items that are over $200 or so.

In general though we have our own pocket money and all the rest gets pooled into financing everyday expenses for food, shelter, etc.

Thats what i'm talking about .

we don't ahve to talk about it if i want to buy a pair of shoes or pants or stuff like that .

but when it comes to purchase an expensive thing like a lawn mower or stuff like that then yeah we should talk about it .

[Danno 1,228]

From my experience, about half the couples has one person (or both) who spends recklessly.

I'm usually the "wise shopper" in a relationship, sometimes it's even aggravating as I spend too much time investigating the item to be purchased.

I have never been in a relationship where I would feel the need to Communicate over a purchase at least not a lawn mower. Certainly I would for a house or car or something where her opinion would help determine what model was selected.

My wife is so darn thrifty, she would never make an impulsive buy either.

I have been in a relationship with a careless spender before and I pity any couple who are wildly mismatched in this area.

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

we discuss any major decision, appliances, cars, electronics, etc and we talk to each other when we're buying something out of the ordinary, things that we don't buy every day, like when i spent $300 on cloth diapers the other day, we discussed it first, i didn't just go and bought it. we usually don't just go and buy stuff without talking to each other first, unless for example i'm buying brazilian food online, or he's working on something in the house and he needede to replace, things like that.

Charles works on things in the house??? r u sure???

maybe you just don't know me at all, eh?

[brnidokiegurl 0]

yes, most of the mena men think they can just come here and have free access to go buy without any consideration. The person who has been running the house knows what is expected for this month, any extras coming up, what can be spent etc so you just cant run out and get extra things sometimes, and at the grocery store you need to learn to look and compare the prices not just reach for something that looks good to you, same with any clothes or shoes, there are all different prices sometimes you just may not can reach for the most expensive (and the most expensive doesnt always mean it better) another thought they usually bring with them

trina it just takes a while to get them over this me me me phase

since when do you speak for "most mena men"? i'm married to one, and don't relate to any of this at all. and neither do most of the people i know. it's certainly not a cultural norm for a man from that area to live off of a female, much less carelessly and recklessly. that makes no sense, whatsoever. my husband brought enough money with him when he moved here to take care of us until he could work. when and where did careless freeloader come to be thought of as remotely normal?

ok if not most then (alot) most do come here with no idea of a budget, mine also came with enough money to support until he worked, now hes working etc etc BUT at the store for example he will pick up (?) not even considering the price or how much we are going to spend, shoes yea go straight to the most expensive, even a medicine off the shelf this one is more so it must be good...and i do know some that have come bought expensive comupter, expensive phones etc (not mine) and no regard to household expenses. Another example going in to get cigarettes the talk was get a couple packs, gets my bank card and comes out less about $48, did he ask if we could afford that amount at that time NO so MOST do not know how to handle money and budgets and household expenses, anyone working is not freeloading just needs to learn the ways of money handling

[jundp 191]

my opinion, and this works for me, is that my wife and i share common financial goals. there is no my money or her money as long as the goals are collective (which they are). therefore, decisions regarding spending and investing should be collective as well. in practice, of course, neither her nor i sweat the small stuff. how do we know when to 'check in' with the spousal unit? call it instinct. you gotta have instinct, this is a marriage not a corporate board where you can hide behind documented guidelines.

I don't consult my husband if I want to go buy a pair of shoes, but I do tell him about it afterwards. It's not so much "honey may I?" as showing the courtesy of sharing this information. Of course, I generally shop sales and second hand stores...a habit built in the days of single-mothering before I was part of a two-income household!

We have lists of purchases we want/need to make that are lagniappe from the regular monthly bills (house, tuition, car, etc). They are ranked in importance of we REALLY want/need it down to 'this would be nice.' For example, things like camp, music lessons, plane tickets to Germany are top of the list and we set aside money for it. Then we have things like a second car, exercise equipment (which we don't need because we have access to great trails, hikes, etc near us), a second car, etc. We discuss these things and we are both working towards the same goal. When my husband first started working here he couldn't wait to get his fancy Nikon...he told me about it - didn't ask my permission - and he bought it. I wouldn't be in a marriage where I felt I had to ask permission, nor would he.

Don't think communication is over-rated. Of course you don't want to say "Honey I'm going to buy toilet paper." Or "Dear, I'll be getting tampons on the way home" but at the same time, if you are both in the relationship, should not you both be able to discuss large purchases?

[Nasturtium 500]

The problem is, even trivial things can add up-- especially if you are trying to save money, pay a debt, or whatever. If every day I went out and spent $5 on something, that is about $150/month, or $1800/year. If you are both doing it, it obviously doubles. If you made 10 $25 purchases a month-- eating out, picking up a shirt, whatever, and he did the same that would be $500 a month or $6,000 a year. For some it totally doesn't matter, but it's impossible to give good advice without actually knowing what is happening or the background of the situation.

I think what *can* get people into trouble (and this is not a function of being MENA or anything else-- enough Americans fall into this trap every single second) is the use of credit and basically not functioning on a cash level. You have cash, you spend cash, and when it runs out (and as it is going) you see where it goes and how and when you have no more money. It's easy to swipe a card.

Like I said, we talk about every single little thing-- but we had a goal to pay off 72k total in 3 years or less starting one year from his arrival (giving him time to get a job, etc). When he got here, we made a budget together. We stuck to it. He got a job in 2 weeks. It wasn't great, but he worked it. We saved up, and we're on track. He was good at budgeting there, and he's good at doing it here. People who overspend just likely have that habit to begin with or something is fundamentally lost in translation as far as pricing, income, taxes, whatever. Or, they may just not care. There are a variety of reasons.

So yeah, we don't eat out hardly ever or do any of the *fun* stuff, but when we have emergency car stuff, we can fix it.. when we had to buy a car unexpectedly we could do it, outright. You just set priorities is all. Ours involves a need to accumulate money for a point where I will stop working and we move. Money between a couple should probably be discussed on several levels including what the goals are. If your goals involve kids, a house, cars, financial independance, whatever... you need to keep that in mind not only before you splurge on a $600 pair of shoes, but also before you spend that $5 every day at Starbucks.