Was I Wrong?

[nayalamb 0]

Hey guys,

I could really use some advice. My sister is pissed off at me and we're both convinced that we're right.

She just had her 3rd baby a few months back. And her hubby wants her to go back to work so she can help with the expenses. I don't begrudge her the option to be a stay-at-home mom. But finances are tight, so I said she should be more considerate to her hubby and at least work part-time. But she refuses. She will not put the baby in daycare or get someone to come in and watch him. She seems to have some aversion to it. There are many reputable care givers in our hometown that are not expensive. With only one income, her hubby is stretched thin. And I think its stressful for him because he knows that if he is ever laid off or anything, they will be in big trouble.

He offered to take out a business loan so she took start her own business and be able to make her own hours. She has a degree and a good bit of experience so she could do it. But she won't. No particular reason. Just won't. The hubby cannot take a 2nd job because the one he has already requires long hours and some weekends and he's on call for emergencies at any time. It pays well, but with each new baby, that one paycheck has to split up into more pieces. They don't live extravagantly, so its not like you can say "Oh stop going to Paris every spring" or "cut down on the caviar".

She stayed home for a bit with the other boys (who are VERY close in age). But when it was just one, it was okay. When it was two, it was manageable. But now the two older ones are in school and they have to pay their school fees every term, plus books, uniforms, lunches, etc. And the baby needs diapers, milk, clothes, etc. Plus the mortgage, car payments, student loans, insurance, food, gas, utilities.... It all adds up.

We were raised by working parents. We had housekeepers but we were never deprived of our parents' love and attention. They checked our homework, came to our school functions, took us on vacations, had family outings, etc. My mom still cooked dinner just about every night. I don't know why she thinks her kids will be neglected and her home will fall to ruin if she goes back to work.

Anyway, she took offense at it and now things are extremely tense between us. I don't feel like I should back down. She asked for my opinion and I gave it. Its sad because I love her. She's one of my best friends. I don't even like the hubby that much, but I fully understand where he is coming from... especially since Jig is working his a$$ off while I wait for EAD.

So what now? She is whining like a five year old. Like I am out to get her or something. I want whats best for her and the kids but in this situation, I have to be realistic. Work pays the bills.

Like I said before, I have no issue with homemakers. Shoot, if you can afford to do it, and love to do it, go ahead! But if you see your spouse struggling under the weight, wouldn't you at least TRY to help out a little? Maybe I'm wrong... I'm not a mother... sigh... advice welcome... flaming is not... thanx much...

[TracyTN 237]

I think your opinion is very valid, but now that you've stated it, I would let it lie. There is no reason to 'not back down' unless you want to make things between you even more awkward.

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

Shoot, if you can afford to do it, and love to do it, go ahead! But if you see your spouse struggling under the weight, wouldn't you at least TRY to help out a little? Maybe I'm wrong... I'm not a mother... sigh... advice welcome... flaming is not... thanx much...

I agree with you, but it's their life. I would let them live it. I wouldn't ever loan them any money if they ask. ever.

[gimygirl 0]

i think the major factor in this is money (obviously) ... does it make fiscal sense to get a part time job just to pay for day care, gas, work clothes, extra wash, money for lunch, etc?

unfortunately, you didn't state what she held a degree in ... just having a 'degree' doesn't mean much today.

as far as who is right in this discussion ... she is. it's her life and her decision. it may not be the best one and it may not be the one that you would make for your family, but it is the one she's chosen. it is up to her and her husband to decide what's really best for their family in the long run.

now do i think she's making the right decision? not really! but i wouldn't let this cause a rift in your sisterhood!

[CarolineM 0]

I, personally, agree with you 100% but Tracy is right. You've let your point of view be known. IF she calls you to complain about money, tell her you don't want to hear it...

[babybunny 2]

Hey guys,

I could really use some advice. My sister is pissed off at me and we're both convinced that we're right.

She just had her 3rd baby a few months back. And her hubby wants her to go back to work so she can help with the expenses. I don't begrudge her the option to be a stay-at-home mom. But finances are tight, so I said she should be more considerate to her hubby and at least work part-time. But she refuses. She will not put the baby in daycare or get someone to come in and watch him. She seems to have some aversion to it. There are many reputable care givers in our hometown that are not expensive. With only one income, her hubby is stretched thin. And I think its stressful for him because he knows that if he is ever laid off or anything, they will be in big trouble.

He offered to take out a business loan so she took start her own business and be able to make her own hours. She has a degree and a good bit of experience so she could do it. But she won't. No particular reason. Just won't. The hubby cannot take a 2nd job because the one he has already requires long hours and some weekends and he's on call for emergencies at any time. It pays well, but with each new baby, that one paycheck has to split up into more pieces. They don't live extravagantly, so its not like you can say "Oh stop going to Paris every spring" or "cut down on the caviar".

She stayed home for a bit with the other boys (who are VERY close in age). But when it was just one, it was okay. When it was two, it was manageable. But now the two older ones are in school and they have to pay their school fees every term, plus books, uniforms, lunches, etc. And the baby needs diapers, milk, clothes, etc. Plus the mortgage, car payments, student loans, insurance, food, gas, utilities.... It all adds up.

We were raised by working parents. We had housekeepers but we were never deprived of our parents' love and attention. They checked our homework, came to our school functions, took us on vacations, had family outings, etc. My mom still cooked dinner just about every night. I don't know why she thinks her kids will be neglected and her home will fall to ruin if she goes back to work.

Anyway, she took offense at it and now things are extremely tense between us. I don't feel like I should back down. She asked for my opinion and I gave it. Its sad because I love her. She's one of my best friends. I don't even like the hubby that much, but I fully understand where he is coming from... especially since Jig is working his a$$ off while I wait for EAD.

So what now? She is whining like a five year old. Like I am out to get her or something. I want whats best for her and the kids but in this situation, I have to be realistic. Work pays the bills.

Like I said before, I have no issue with homemakers. Shoot, if you can afford to do it, and love to do it, go ahead! But if you see your spouse struggling under the weight, wouldn't you at least TRY to help out a little? Maybe I'm wrong... I'm not a mother... sigh... advice welcome... flaming is not... thanx much...

I think your sister has a right to choose to be home with her kids. end of story. if she dont want to have her child in child care thats her choice. when you become a mother you will understand better both sides of the coin. wait til you have a baby! you will not want one second away from your baby.

Not every woman wants to work and take care of the baby. in muslim marriages this is very much favored!. that the lady does not work, the man takes cares of all responsiblities. In america the woman can take up to 1 year off to be with her child and still keep her job.

your sister is being told she will work and take care of the kids - you and those around her are in essence trying to make her super woman. if she dont wanna be a super woman dont force it upon her. there are ladies that want to do both work and are forced to subject their child to day care. I dont think any woman want their baby in the hands of a stranger!.

if we lived in a perfect workd we would bring our babies to the office and have a nursry in our cubes. this dont make your sister WRONG. it makes everyone around her WRONG because its not Her choice.

[Miranda&James 8]

Hey guys,

I could really use some advice. My sister is pissed off at me and we're both convinced that we're right.

She just had her 3rd baby a few months back. And her hubby wants her to go back to work so she can help with the expenses. I don't begrudge her the option to be a stay-at-home mom. But finances are tight, so I said she should be more considerate to her hubby and at least work part-time. But she refuses. She will not put the baby in daycare or get someone to come in and watch him. She seems to have some aversion to it. There are many reputable care givers in our hometown that are not expensive. With only one income, her hubby is stretched thin. And I think its stressful for him because he knows that if he is ever laid off or anything, they will be in big trouble.

He offered to take out a business loan so she took start her own business and be able to make her own hours. She has a degree and a good bit of experience so she could do it. But she won't. No particular reason. Just won't. The hubby cannot take a 2nd job because the one he has already requires long hours and some weekends and he's on call for emergencies at any time. It pays well, but with each new baby, that one paycheck has to split up into more pieces. They don't live extravagantly, so its not like you can say "Oh stop going to Paris every spring" or "cut down on the caviar".

She stayed home for a bit with the other boys (who are VERY close in age). But when it was just one, it was okay. When it was two, it was manageable. But now the two older ones are in school and they have to pay their school fees every term, plus books, uniforms, lunches, etc. And the baby needs diapers, milk, clothes, etc. Plus the mortgage, car payments, student loans, insurance, food, gas, utilities.... It all adds up.

We were raised by working parents. We had housekeepers but we were never deprived of our parents' love and attention. They checked our homework, came to our school functions, took us on vacations, had family outings, etc. My mom still cooked dinner just about every night. I don't know why she thinks her kids will be neglected and her home will fall to ruin if she goes back to work.

Anyway, she took offense at it and now things are extremely tense between us. I don't feel like I should back down. She asked for my opinion and I gave it. Its sad because I love her. She's one of my best friends. I don't even like the hubby that much, but I fully understand where he is coming from... especially since Jig is working his a$$ off while I wait for EAD.

So what now? She is whining like a five year old. Like I am out to get her or something. I want whats best for her and the kids but in this situation, I have to be realistic. Work pays the bills.

Like I said before, I have no issue with homemakers. Shoot, if you can afford to do it, and love to do it, go ahead! But if you see your spouse struggling under the weight, wouldn't you at least TRY to help out a little? Maybe I'm wrong... I'm not a mother... sigh... advice welcome... flaming is not... thanx much...

I think your sister has a right to choose to be home with her kids. end of story. if she dont want to have her child in child care thats her choice. when you become a mother you will understand better both sides of the coin. wait til you have a baby! you will not want one second away from your baby.

Not every woman wants to work and take care of the baby. in muslim marriages this is very much favored!. that the lady does not work, the man takes cares of all responsiblities. In america the woman can take up to 1 year off to be with her child and still keep her job.

your sister is being told she will work and take care of the kids - you and those around her are in essence trying to make her super woman. if she dont wanna be a super woman dont force it upon her. there are ladies that want to do both work and are forced to subject their child to day care. I dont think any woman want their baby in the hands of a stranger!.

if we lived in a perfect workd we would bring our babies to the office and have a nursry in our cubes. this dont make your sister WRONG. it makes everyone around her WRONG because its not Her choice.

Where have you heard that?

Naya - you've given your opinion and that is all you can do. You can't make your sister do anything she doesn't want to do and it's between her and her husband to work this out.

[babybunny 2]

Hey guys,

I could really use some advice. My sister is pissed off at me and we're both convinced that we're right.

She just had her 3rd baby a few months back. And her hubby wants her to go back to work so she can help with the expenses. I don't begrudge her the option to be a stay-at-home mom. But finances are tight, so I said she should be more considerate to her hubby and at least work part-time. But she refuses. She will not put the baby in daycare or get someone to come in and watch him. She seems to have some aversion to it. There are many reputable care givers in our hometown that are not expensive. With only one income, her hubby is stretched thin. And I think its stressful for him because he knows that if he is ever laid off or anything, they will be in big trouble.

He offered to take out a business loan so she took start her own business and be able to make her own hours. She has a degree and a good bit of experience so she could do it. But she won't. No particular reason. Just won't. The hubby cannot take a 2nd job because the one he has already requires long hours and some weekends and he's on call for emergencies at any time. It pays well, but with each new baby, that one paycheck has to split up into more pieces. They don't live extravagantly, so its not like you can say "Oh stop going to Paris every spring" or "cut down on the caviar".

She stayed home for a bit with the other boys (who are VERY close in age). But when it was just one, it was okay. When it was two, it was manageable. But now the two older ones are in school and they have to pay their school fees every term, plus books, uniforms, lunches, etc. And the baby needs diapers, milk, clothes, etc. Plus the mortgage, car payments, student loans, insurance, food, gas, utilities.... It all adds up.

We were raised by working parents. We had housekeepers but we were never deprived of our parents' love and attention. They checked our homework, came to our school functions, took us on vacations, had family outings, etc. My mom still cooked dinner just about every night. I don't know why she thinks her kids will be neglected and her home will fall to ruin if she goes back to work.

Anyway, she took offense at it and now things are extremely tense between us. I don't feel like I should back down. She asked for my opinion and I gave it. Its sad because I love her. She's one of my best friends. I don't even like the hubby that much, but I fully understand where he is coming from... especially since Jig is working his a$$ off while I wait for EAD.

So what now? She is whining like a five year old. Like I am out to get her or something. I want whats best for her and the kids but in this situation, I have to be realistic. Work pays the bills.

Like I said before, I have no issue with homemakers. Shoot, if you can afford to do it, and love to do it, go ahead! But if you see your spouse struggling under the weight, wouldn't you at least TRY to help out a little? Maybe I'm wrong... I'm not a mother... sigh... advice welcome... flaming is not... thanx much...

I think your sister has a right to choose to be home with her kids. end of story. if she dont want to have her child in child care thats her choice. when you become a mother you will understand better both sides of the coin. wait til you have a baby! you will not want one second away from your baby.

Not every woman wants to work and take care of the baby. in muslim marriages this is very much favored!. that the lady does not work, the man takes cares of all responsiblities. In america the woman can take up to 1 year off to be with her child and still keep her job.

your sister is being told she will work and take care of the kids - you and those around her are in essence trying to make her super woman. if she dont wanna be a super woman dont force it upon her. there are ladies that want to do both work and are forced to subject their child to day care. I dont think any woman want their baby in the hands of a stranger!.

if we lived in a perfect workd we would bring our babies to the office and have a nursry in our cubes. this dont make your sister WRONG. it makes everyone around her WRONG because its not Her choice.

Where have you heard that?

Naya - you've given your opinion and that is all you can do. You can't make your sister do anything she doesn't want to do and it's between her and her husband to work this out.

I can take 1 year off from my job to have a baby..

ever heard of FMLA..

[john_and_marlene 162]

If the dispute is about what is best for her household, her view wins.

[Ban Hammer 13,337]

take her out back and clean her clock

[Flames9_RN 358]

Ya can state ur opinion and thats about it. Its their life to live. Doesnt sound like they are asking you for money or anything!! Best of luck

[Fandango 1,439]

I don't think it should be a problem to be a supportive shoulder for your sister to lean on...you shouldn't be all 'i don't agree with you so don't talk to me about it.' Not saying that's what you're doing, but I see a few have suggested it.

The bottom line is, this has got nowt to do with you...you love your sister, will be there for her, but at the end of the day, it's her life & her choice to make. Let her and hubby deal with it whatever way they see fit.

[raymaga 25]

I was the mother of 3 children, and chose to stay home with them most of the time. However, due to some financial difficulties throughout our marriage, it was necessary for me to return to work from time to time, sometimes full-time and sometimes part-time.

It was extremely draining on me when I had to be a mother, homemaker and a career woman. I stayed home because I felt it was in the best interests of our whole family. I only worked when I absolutely had to and I have no regrets.

I have 3 wonderfully adjusted adult children today (who did without a lot of "things" because we couldn't afford it on just my husband's income).

The choice is up to the Mom who's life it will untimately affect the most. Sometimes you just can't do too many things and do them all well.

[Miranda&James 8]

I can take 1 year off from my job to have a baby..

ever heard of FMLA..

It looks on the FMLA site like it's 12 weeks, not 12 months. I only ask where you heard the 1 yr thing because I recently completed a class about the sociology of childhood and stuff like this was discussed and being able to take off a year to work in the USA never came up (it does, however, happen in other countries). The discussion was more along the lines of how women in the USA don't get enough time off. Besides that it's unpaid!

[Mand 1]

Your sister I imagine is doing what she sees right for her family and I think you should respect this decision and not allow it to come between you two.