VAWA - Looking for Information/Resources

[KHPerfectMatch 1]

I've just been reading VJ looking for info for my husband's friend who is in an abusive marriage. Maybe the VAWA is what he needs to look into... to get out of the HELL he is living in. His situation is truly shocking to me...

After reading here I see that many of applicants for VAWA have lawyers. This guy has no money and has barely been able to find work because his wife as been so "on and off" with handling the AOS papers, etc. I know for while his Work Permit was expired because she hadn't finished the process in over a year...

His wife has been giving him so much HELL... she always threatens to call the USCIS and "send him back to his country".... She locks him out of the house (he has no key) and calls him on his cell phone to curse at him (which we can all hear)... I don't know if the police have been involved or not. I don't want to go into all the details but I think there may be physical abuse as well.

I would appreciate any advice any of you can share with me to pass on to him. I found a local agency that provides free or low cost services to Immigrants that I will contact. But in the meantime what kind of evidence does he need to have to prove the abuse? If there hasn't been any physical evidence, it seems like a man would have a difficult time proving it. Especially since he's a lot younger than she is.

In true Middle Eastern cultural style the guy is very quiet about all of this in front of me...(but tells my husband more...) Feeling shame and guilt for talking about a "family matter" to anyone outside the family....

From what I can tell his wife is seriously mentally ill. (Bi-Polar) And she doesn't like or want to take her medication. They were together (boyfriend/girlfriend) travelling the world together, for 5 years before he came to the USA about 18 months ago, so I doubt anyone can say it's not a "valid marriage". He knew she had mental illness but she took her meds and did quite well until the last year.

I felt sick when we dropped him off at her home last night.. It looks like a garbage dump on the front porch (he's been trying to protect himself from RATS!!!)... he is miles from a bus stop and has no car. Walks and takes the bus 2.5 hour each way to do a 12 hour job (on his feet)... He looks malnourished to me and has huge bags under his eyes. She regularly kicks him out of the house for days, and he says he can't sleep well when he is home..... anxiety x100000

Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. I know he needs to be documenting this stuff. However I think in the near future he may just let us buy him a ticket and go back home... where at least he has a loving family and HAD a much better career and lifestyle.. His Coptic faith means that he cannot divorce her without great problems from a religious standpoint... but there has to be an escape clause in this guy's future, or I fear for his sanity and health...

K

[Peace be still 6]

If he understood that she had BIPOLAR before he married her perhaps he should have educated himself on her mental illness and the psychotrophic medication that she was taking and the what the her behavior would be like if she doesn't take them before he married her. How could one travel the world for 5yrs and then all of sudden live in a rat infested home, no mode of transportation but public? It just doesn't sound right at all. But then again so many people pretend to be something that they really are not and then when the fiance/spouse gets here it's a whole nother ball game. So many people that commit fraudulant marriages for a Green Cards that will eventually lead up to Citizenship uses the abuse card as a way out, and VAWA is under a microscope with Homeland Security for assisting people that suddently make these claims. Don't get me wrong if this person is being abused like some people really are then by all means use all the services that are available. But I'm damn sure tired of people taking advantage of American system, and then when a person comes along that really needs the services can't get it or they get interigated as if they are lying and trying to commit fraud. I do believe men can be victims of domestic violence, so have him reach out to VAWA but he also needs to be prepaired for the extensive questioning they will have for our MENA brother in this situation. In any event INSHALLAH all will go well with him.

[Bobby+Umit 161]

VAWA resources

[biker4Eva 6]

If he does not have evidence of physical abuse and it is only mental, emotional and psychological abuse, he needs to prepare a very strong self-declaration. He should detail the emotional abuse he has suffered and how it has impacted his life (low self-esteem, thoughts of suicide, depression, etc) He also needs to probably get a psychological evaluation. A psychological evaluation can be done by a licensed therapist. Is there any financial abuse? He needs to detail this. My self-declaration was 14 pages long (double spaced). The declaration needs to have at least 3 specific incidences of abuse. For example, he can write about how she locked him out of the house and how he felt about... was he ashamed? did he sleep in the cold? that can be one incident. He needs to write about his feelings.

He does not need to mention that his wife is BIPOLAR. This is not necessary and in fact, it seems callous to accuse your wife of being bipolar. He should concentrate on the actions and behaviors of his wife, not speculate on what she might be suffering from. For example, my husband was an alcoholic. But I never in my declaration did I ever accuse him of being an alcoholic. I simply stated that he drank a half a pint of hennesey when he woke up and another bottle when he went to bed. He abused me sexually. I was terrified. When he was sober, he scared me. When he was drunk, he scared me. I was in constant fear. Describe the abuse and how it impacted you.

And he needs that psychological evaluation.

[KHPerfectMatch 1]

If he understood that she had BIPOLAR before he married her perhaps he should have educated himself on her mental illness and the psychotrophic medication that she was taking and the what the her behavior would be like if she doesn't take them before he married her. How could one travel the world for 5yrs and then all of sudden live in a rat infested home, no mode of transportation but public? It just doesn't sound right at all. But then again so many people pretend to be something that they really are not and then when the fiance/spouse gets here it's a whole nother ball game. So many people that commit fraudulant marriages for a Green Cards that will eventually lead up to Citizenship uses the abuse card as a way out, and VAWA is under a microscope with Homeland Security for assisting people that suddently make these claims. Don't get me wrong if this person is being abused like some people really are then by all means use all the services that are available. But I'm damn sure tired of people taking advantage of American system, and then when a person comes along that really needs the services can't get it or they get interigated as if they are lying and trying to commit fraud. I do believe men can be victims of domestic violence, so have him reach out to VAWA but he also needs to be prepaired for the extensive questioning they will have for our MENA brother in this situation. In any event INSHALLAH all will go well with him.

Hezbi Allah wa na mal al wakeel (Let God be the judge) ..

I am asking for advice and resources, not pronouncements or speculation about his intentions...

1) I never said he understood she had "BIPOLAR DISORDER" he said he knew she took medication....and she was fine when they were together prior to his move to the USA. She visited Egypt often and they travelled extensively to other countries during their 5 years of "courtship" prior to his receipt of the K-1 Visa and their marriage upon his arrival 18 months ago.

I'm the one who guesses she has BiPolar because he said she doesn't like to take her medication because it makes her feel "calm"... MANY people with "BiPolar/Manic Depression" rather enjoy the manic phases because they feel so much more energetic... and then they think they can stop their meds and then they sink lower into depression on the next down swing!

I'm 51 and I work with the Disabled every day, so that makes it alot easier for me to figure out what might be wrong as compared to a 20 something year old Egyptian man who comes from a culture you probably KNOW FULL WELL that know almost NOTHING about mental illness, much less would he be able to figure out what her meds were for! In Egypt they treat depression with either prayer, or shock treatment! I was horrified when I helped an American Ex-Pat leave the Psych Hospital there, which was straight out of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"...

Educate himself on her disorder???? Why would he, if she was JUST FINE! Maybe SHE should have educated him and told him she didn't plan to continue to follow her treatment plan!

2) When travelling the world they likely stayed in HOTELS... not her HOME with RATS here in the USA... And again that was before her condition went out of control... Maybe her house hadn't gone to hell in a hand basket until she stopped taking her meds...

She has transportation and MONEY... (doesn't even need to hold down a job)... it's HIM that is without transportation and MONEY, out trying to get a job because she is either locking him out, or telling him to GET OUT on a regular basis and his lack of financial independence is forcing him to stay under her control... (that combined with his lack of understanding of how to get home to Egypt (since he has no $$), or stay here without her with no money and a pending immigration case)

OK, I'm just going to stop pointing out the flaws in your analysis... because this is not about trying to convince anyone of the "merits of his case"... I just find it a bit shocking that someone would come to this post, in this area of the VJ site, to rant about marriage fraud...

I have been in the arab/muslim community for more than 30 years and I have seen fraud and abuse of the system x100000000000000000000... but even after having been the victim of deciet myself I am not so jaded as to ignore the signs that something is not right here... and offer any information I can to a person who appears to be suffering major depression and doesn't know how to defend himself.

I have to say your well wishes for him seem to be an after thought... I'm so glad I didn't tell HIM to post a request for information here at VJ, so he could face responses like yours...

Save your skepticism about MENA men for the MENA thread, it's routine and welcomed there, (if the suspected "guilty party" is a MENA man...) I didn't say he was leaving her, I didn't say he abused her, I DID say that divorce for him is not an easy choice, as it's prohibited by his faith. Going home a victim of abuse at the hands of a woman can't be an easy choice either...

I'm so glad it looks like others actually posted some helpful information...

[KHPerfectMatch 1]

If he does not have evidence of physical abuse and it is only mental, emotional and psychological abuse, he needs to prepare a very strong self-declaration. He should detail the emotional abuse he has suffered and how it has impacted his life (low self-esteem, thoughts of suicide, depression, etc) He also needs to probably get a psychological evaluation. A psychological evaluation can be done by a licensed therapist. Is there any financial abuse? He needs to detail this. My self-declaration was 14 pages long (double spaced). The declaration needs to have at least 3 specific incidences of abuse. For example, he can write about how she locked him out of the house and how he felt about... was he ashamed? did he sleep in the cold? that can be one incident. He needs to write about his feelings.

I don't know for a fact what all has occurred... but I suspect abuse of all types... My husband told me today that the police have been out before, but it was his wife that called them raging and ranting and that they didn't take any action... (but good to know there's some record of SOMETHING to take a look at..) I also learned she is on probation for 5 years because of a criminal action she took against her ex-husband... need to find out the nature of that situation... maybe there's a pattern or history of husband abuse... I think the important thing is that he needs to know that if he hides all of this, or tries to cover it up out of shame, it will only hurt him more... in the long run.

He does not need to mention that his wife is BIPOLAR. This is not necessary and in fact, it seems callous to accuse your wife of being bipolar.

Again, he didn't accuse her of ANYTHING... He doesn't even know the word BIPOLAR... he just knows that she used to take medicine and was fine, and then stopped and has had a dramatic personality change.. And I don't think it's being callous to look for a reason for the change... including mental illness, when the difference seems to have come on suddenly and in connection with her stopping her meds. And he's not speculating, I am the one trying to figure this out... and get him some help... (I'd like to see her get help too, but know that no one can force her to take her meds... unless she's incarcerated.. and even then, probably not...)

He should concentrate on the actions and behaviors of his wife, not speculate on what she might be suffering from. For example, my husband was an alcoholic. But I never in my declaration did I ever accuse him of being an alcoholic. I simply stated that he drank a half a pint of hennesey when he woke up and another bottle when he went to bed. He abused me sexually. I was terrified. When he was sober, he scared me. When he was drunk, he scared me. I was in constant fear. Describe the abuse and how it impacted you.

I'll tell him just to say she stopped taking her meds because they made her calm down, and then she started cursing me, threatening me, locking me out, etc. etc. = abusing me.

And he needs that psychological evaluation. But first he needs a LAWYER...

Thanks for sharing your tips... I wish you well.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

If he understood that she had BIPOLAR before he married her perhaps he should have educated himself on her mental illness and the psychotrophic medication that she was taking and the what the her behavior would be like if she doesn't take them before he married her. How could one travel the world for 5yrs and then all of sudden live in a rat infested home, no mode of transportation but public? It just doesn't sound right at all. But then again so many people pretend to be something that they really are not and then when the fiance/spouse gets here it's a whole nother ball game. So many people that commit fraudulant marriages for a Green Cards that will eventually lead up to Citizenship uses the abuse card as a way out, and VAWA is under a microscope with Homeland Security for assisting people that suddently make these claims. Don't get me wrong if this person is being abused like some people really are then by all means use all the services that are available. But I'm damn sure tired of people taking advantage of American system, and then when a person comes along that really needs the services can't get it or they get interigated as if they are lying and trying to commit fraud. I do believe men can be victims of domestic violence, so have him reach out to VAWA but he also needs to be prepaired for the extensive questioning they will have for our MENA brother in this situation. In any event INSHALLAH all will go well with him.

This guy may very well be a victim but I want you to know that many of these guys from specifically mena have discovered VAWA and are now using it to flee marriages they never wanted to be in in the first place ( they married for papers) From what you have described, he may very well be a candidate for mena but you really need to weigh both sides of the story. He very well may have done something and you cannot just think he is innocent. From what you are telling me, he may very well be mistreated. But please understand that many guys are using vawa now by doing things to incite their american wives to violence so they can file it. I have managed to stay extremely calm when I was baited but some just are not able to. I would encourage the wife to file for divorce, him to move out and then he file based on good faith marriage and see what happens.

[bhajishah 4]

Dang, even if he oh "married for papers", human being doesnt deserve that treatment, pnuishment not fitting crime. she is whacked. WOW Poor little egyptian fella, many of them are really sweet , sincere, and honest lil brothers..I hope he finds peace and happiness Inshallah

[KHPerfectMatch 1]

Dang, even if he oh "married for papers", human being doesnt deserve that treatment, pnuishment not fitting crime. she is whacked. WOW Poor little egyptian fella, many of them are really sweet , sincere, and honest lil brothers..I hope he finds peace and happiness Inshallah

That's what I have been thinking... He may have married her for papers for all I know, how does one know that any way!!!

But what did she marry him for???? To have someone to abuse, control, manipulate and humiliate? I've met more than one much older American woman married to a much younger Egyptian man that are treating the guys like "chattle"... I don't see them head over heels in "love" with these young guys.. I see them acting like "Mommy Dearest" or worse! Controlling, manipulating, and threatening these guys day in and day out that if the guys don't JUMP when she yells FROG she will "SHIP THEM BACK TO EGYPT"...

I've often questioned the intentions of the young men, and now I'm questioning the intentions of these old women... maybe they think they have "bought the right to abuse".... by providing for these guys...

It's all pretty twisted in my view... Glad I don't have to decide who's right and who's wrong, who's naughty who's nice... (OK now I sound like Santa...) Time to GO...

[surferita 1]

I'm going through something similar, my husband is bipolar/ezquizo., he has hit me and mentally abused me as he had said before, i have witnesses and i filed a restrain order against him.

I applied for vawa through a lawyer cause with everything i have gone through i had enough and i have filed for divorce from my husband and now he wants the annulment. The lawyers said that this totally fits the abuser case, they try to hurt you as much as they can and in this case, he is trying to get me deported but with vawa you can stay and get the permanent residency in less than a year and also a work permit but you need also to go and get a report from a therapist as somebody already said and do a testimony of what you have gone through plus get witnesses letter notarized affirmating your testimony.

I also collapsed 2 days ago due to stress and i had to spent one day in the ER.

Best luck to your friend, some people here knows what he is going through.