How big of a mistake?

[Kevin-n-Merlaine 14]

A very interesting thing happened today...

If you know anything about Vietnamese culture, then you know that they celebrate things related to dead relatives, like birthdays and such. The family members gather together and prepare a big meal, say some prayers at the family altar, and basically just have a good time. Personally, I think the Vietnamese will use ANY excuse for a big feast!

Another aspect of Vietnamese culture is that once you're engaged - dam hoi or dinh hon - then you're 'officially' family. As a consequence, I've been invited to several of these family feasts since I returned from Vietnam in April, and my fiancee has made it clear to me that she expects me to attend, so I always do.

Today was the feast for Phuong's grandmother. Phuong already celebrated at her mothers home on the actual day of her birthday, but family in the US often postpone the feast until weekend so that everyone can be there. The feast was at the home of Phuong's uncle Van and his wife Ngoc. Also in attendance were the uncle's sister Lien and husband Tran, Phuong's older sister Thu, the daughter of Phuong's sister Hang and her husband Binh, and various other relatives and their kids.

Also, we set up a webcam in the living room, and Phuong got up early in Vietnam so that she and her kids could chat with the family in the US, and be part of the celebration. The webcam chat session lasted about an hour, and Phuong was thrilled to have a chance to "be there" and talk with everyone. The webcam was my idea, so I think I earned some serious brownie points today.

Ok, back to the topic of this thread!

Phuong's uncle Van and I were talking after the meal, and he asked about the two "friends" I was supposed to meet at SFO on their way to Vietnam. I explained about the mechanical problems with Todd's plane, and the fact that Kevin couldn't get his boarding passes because the checkin counter was closed, so the meeting never happened.

He then asked how each person's visit to Vietnam went. He was under the impression that both were going to be with their fiancee's for their visa interviews. I explained that Todd's fiancee got her visa, and offered a few details that I'd read here about that. I then told him the sad story of Kevin's rejection in Vung Tao.

The room went silent as I told Kevin's story...

As soon as I had finished with the short version, the room erupted in chatter. Ngoc and Hang were drilling me for details about what happened and why. What did Thao say? What did her family say? What did Kevin say? Thu speaks very little English, so she was sending her questions through Ngoc and Hang. Van listened patiently, and I could only respond with what I had read here. I mentioned that I thought Thao was pretty young, and all of the girls were in agreement that this might be why she had been so fickle. I also mentioned what Kevin had said about her family latching on to him, and everyone nodded in unison like a shelf of bobble-head dolls!

What had gotten everyone so flustered was that a Vietnamese girl had let the relationship progress to the point where her boyfriend went to the trouble to actually travel to Vietnam to meet her, and then reject him. They had never heard of such a thing. I asked if maybe it was something that would be more common in the far south, but they flatly rejected that theory, but they were willing to concede that maybe girls from the north might be so rude (they are all from Hue province). In the end, the girls all agreed that Thao's age was probably the root of the problem, and that Kevin should focus on a more mature Vietnamese girl - like 25!

Anyway, Kevin, Mr. Van says you can send him your email address anytime and he'll be happy to introduce you to a 'well mannered' Vietnamese girl (after checking you out, of course). He's the acting family patriarch, and therefore the 'official' matchmaker of the family, so this is one of his responsibilities.

Thao is a good girl and I don't hold a grudge at all. Yeah, she's a bit of a snot at times, but.. I've spoken with her a few times since I've been home. Her age is the problem, at least according to her family. Yeh, she could have said something or whatever, 6 months ago!! But that's ok. I get it. I asked her family to not be angry with her. She's quite ashamed and apologizes every time we talk. Trinh was a misunderstanding on the part of myself and her Aunt. To put her family in perspective though, her Mother said that it was entirely up to the girls, she just wanted to keep me. Her father asked me several times while I was there to please come back to Vietnam next year and regarding his Daughters, he didn't care which one dated me - just that one of them damned well better..LOL!!

I always try not to sound like I'm the type of person who would stereotype people, but this is exactly why I love Vietnamese families!! I can't speak for them any further north than Da Lat, but I have yet to meet any Vietnamese people/families who didn't have the same level of concern, interest or care. I met a beautiful woman at the XQ Embroidery place in Da Lat. She was tall, elegant and truly interested and concerned about my stay in Vietnam (looking back, I sure wish I'd have gotten her name and number..LOL). She was astounded that I'd traveled there and was staying with a family that, essentially, spoke no English. She spoke very fluent English and we talked for quite some time. Everyone I spoke to there, even if they spoke NO English, showed that same interest. Every person, from the CoopMart in Vung Tau to the aforementioned beauty at XQ, treated me as If it was their personal job to be the ambassador of good will for Vietnam!

There were a couple of comments made that I'm sure were derogatory, but they were teenage boys passing by (Thao made a face when they said it) and It doesn't matter where you go...teenagers suck!! LOL. Everyone stared A LOT but I knew they would. I don't exactly "blend" in. Even that didn't bother me though. All it took was a smile I had men and women speak to me every where I went. I could tell they never got a chance to use English so they were happy to get to say "Hello, how are you?", or to tell their young children to "just say hello!" LOL.

I guess my point is, now even a family whom I've never met, has concern and cares. They've even offered to intervene and help. We consider stereotyping people here in the US to be a bad thing. We could damn sure use more of this kind of stereotype of people here in my opinion though!! That kind of treatment is true here at VJ too. What a great group of people! Thank you Jim, and be sure to tell your family I said so too I'll shoot you a message with my email address so you can pass it along to Mr. Van. I'm already "spoken for" with this family though I think..LOL

[Kevin-n-Merlaine 14]

Sorry it wasn't what you expected... There are plenty of fish in the sea man. Why didn't you take a longer vacation and spend a couple of days exploring Ho Chi Minh City, Thailand and other Asian countries. It would get your mind off things better and you might even find a better person.

Kevin ,

Go to Cebu and get yourself a Filipina girl who will treat you right, and be thrilled, not ashamed, to be seen with you. Whatz up with that??!! Plus, they speak ENGLISH in the Philippines, which is nice, cuz you can actully communicate with your potential wife, which is kind of important. If an Asian girl cant appreciate a cool Kano, then dump her. Itz good that Kevin beat feet outta Ho Chi Minh when he did. Why do they call it HO anywayz...

Thought I'd throw this in. Just for grins I wanted to look around at Filipina ladies so I got on Filipinaheart. Of course you can't look around much without joining (free of course), but I have already received 4 emails and been tagged with an "interest" a dozen times..LOL Wow!

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Sorry it wasn't what you expected... There are plenty of fish in the sea man. Why didn't you take a longer vacation and spend a couple of days exploring Ho Chi Minh City, Thailand and other Asian countries. It would get your mind off things better and you might even find a better person.

Kevin ,

Go to Cebu and get yourself a Filipina girl who will treat you right, and be thrilled, not ashamed, to be seen with you. Whatz up with that??!! Plus, they speak ENGLISH in the Philippines, which is nice, cuz you can actully communicate with your potential wife, which is kind of important. If an Asian girl cant appreciate a cool Kano, then dump her. Itz good that Kevin beat feet outta Ho Chi Minh when he did. Why do they call it HO anywayz...

Thought I'd throw this in. Just for grins I wanted to look around at Filipina ladies so I got on Filipinaheart. Of course you can't look around much without joining (free of course), but I have already received 4 emails and been tagged with an "interest" a dozen times..LOL Wow!

The first thing I'd say is to take your time, Romeo!

Whether you meet a girl on a dating site, or you're introduced by her family, make sure you know her really well before deciding to go and meet her. If you ever get the feeling that either she or her family are pressuring you to make a commitment, then gently back out. If they're genuinely interested in seeing a successful relationship develop, then they won't put excess pressure on either of you.

[Kevin-n-Merlaine 14]

Sorry it wasn't what you expected... There are plenty of fish in the sea man. Why didn't you take a longer vacation and spend a couple of days exploring Ho Chi Minh City, Thailand and other Asian countries. It would get your mind off things better and you might even find a better person.

Kevin ,

Go to Cebu and get yourself a Filipina girl who will treat you right, and be thrilled, not ashamed, to be seen with you. Whatz up with that??!! Plus, they speak ENGLISH in the Philippines, which is nice, cuz you can actully communicate with your potential wife, which is kind of important. If an Asian girl cant appreciate a cool Kano, then dump her. Itz good that Kevin beat feet outta Ho Chi Minh when he did. Why do they call it HO anywayz...

Thought I'd throw this in. Just for grins I wanted to look around at Filipina ladies so I got on Filipinaheart. Of course you can't look around much without joining (free of course), but I have already received 4 emails and been tagged with an "interest" a dozen times..LOL Wow!

The first thing I'd say is to take your time, Romeo!

Whether you meet a girl on a dating site, or you're introduced by her family, make sure you know her really well before deciding to go and meet her. If you ever get the feeling that either she or her family are pressuring you to make a commitment, then gently back out. If they're genuinely interested in seeing a successful relationship develop, then they won't put excess pressure on either of you.

I actually wouldn't really consider a dating site. I did that years ago and it was a disaster! I just don't know anything at all about Filipino women and thought that would be a good place to at least have a look..LOL I'm up to 30 interests and 6 emails..LOL

[Dau Que 6]

Ok, got that all sorted out. I don't think I'll make another post here until I'm engaged..good lord. I'm not throwin in the towel, but I'm leaving in my back pocket so it's easy to get too. According to them, it's just one big misunderstanding. That's fine, I have a car show tomorrow to get ready for I've learned a lot from all of this - mostly that A LOT get's lost translating Vietnames and English back and forth. I'm not saying another word here about relationships until I'm inviting all of you to my wedding. How embarrasing..LOL

Have you done what you said?

In your first post in this thread, you said you were laid off in March of this year. Yet, you still made the trip to VN. Wow, I wouldn't dare to do that if I were in your shoes. Anyway, You should focus on looking for a new job right now. Sorry, but as they often say "No money, no honey"

I'm not an expert, but your understanding about VNese girls is limited. You "think" they love you, but that's only the icing on your cake. I suggest you to cut a little deeper into your cake and find out what REALLY is in the middle of the cake. Don't make the biggest mistake of your life by bringing her over here and find out the harsh truth like user GREEN/TRAN. Look for his post in this forum not too long ago in regards to his wife's "night time" behavior.

[Kevin-n-Merlaine 14]

Ok, got that all sorted out. I don't think I'll make another post here until I'm engaged..good lord. I'm not throwin in the towel, but I'm leaving in my back pocket so it's easy to get too. According to them, it's just one big misunderstanding. That's fine, I have a car show tomorrow to get ready for I've learned a lot from all of this - mostly that A LOT get's lost translating Vietnames and English back and forth. I'm not saying another word here about relationships until I'm inviting all of you to my wedding. How embarrasing..LOL

Have you done what you said?

In your first post in this thread, you said you were laid off in March of this year. Yet, you still made the trip to VN. Wow, I wouldn't dare to do that if I were in your shoes. Anyway, You should focus on looking for a new job right now. Sorry, but as they often say "No money, no honey"

I'm not an expert, but your understanding about VNese girls is limited. You "think" they love you, but that's only the icing on your cake. I suggest you to cut a little deeper into your cake and find out what REALLY is in the middle of the cake. Don't make the biggest mistake of your life by bringing her over here and find out the harsh truth like user GREEN/TRAN. Look for his post in this forum not too long ago in regards to his wife's "night time" behavior.

Yeh, I'm in no hurry. I had been speaking to her for months and I know all of her family so I know the motives were pure. The fact that she didn't (and wouldn't) go through with it for the free ride speaks for itself. They're a wonderful family that I've known for years. I'm pretty sure I'll start my new job either next week or the week after. I wasn't too worried about finding employment here. I was more worried about finding it too quick and not having the time off to make the trip to VN!! LOL I was actually told I could have a job when I got back before I even left.

[ScottThuy 140]

A very interesting thing happened today...

If you know anything about Vietnamese culture, then you know that they celebrate things related to dead relatives, like birthdays and such. The family members gather together and prepare a big meal, say some prayers at the family altar, and basically just have a good time. Personally, I think the Vietnamese will use ANY excuse for a big feast!

Another aspect of Vietnamese culture is that once you're engaged - dam hoi or dinh hon - then you're 'officially' family. As a consequence, I've been invited to several of these family feasts since I returned from Vietnam in April, and my fiancee has made it clear to me that she expects me to attend, so I always do.

Today was the feast for Phuong's grandmother. Phuong already celebrated at her mothers home on the actual day of her birthday, but family in the US often postpone the feast until weekend so that everyone can be there. The feast was at the home of Phuong's uncle Van and his wife Ngoc. Also in attendance were the uncle's sister Lien and husband Tran, Phuong's older sister Thu, the daughter of Phuong's sister Hang and her husband Binh, and various other relatives and their kids.

Also, we set up a webcam in the living room, and Phuong got up early in Vietnam so that she and her kids could chat with the family in the US, and be part of the celebration. The webcam chat session lasted about an hour, and Phuong was thrilled to have a chance to "be there" and talk with everyone. The webcam was my idea, so I think I earned some serious brownie points today.

Ok, back to the topic of this thread!

Phuong's uncle Van and I were talking after the meal, and he asked about the two "friends" I was supposed to meet at SFO on their way to Vietnam. I explained about the mechanical problems with Todd's plane, and the fact that Kevin couldn't get his boarding passes because the checkin counter was closed, so the meeting never happened.

He then asked how each person's visit to Vietnam went. He was under the impression that both were going to be with their fiancee's for their visa interviews. I explained that Todd's fiancee got her visa, and offered a few details that I'd read here about that. I then told him the sad story of Kevin's rejection in Vung Tao.

The room went silent as I told Kevin's story...

As soon as I had finished with the short version, the room erupted in chatter. Ngoc and Hang were drilling me for details about what happened and why. What did Thao say? What did her family say? What did Kevin say? Thu speaks very little English, so she was sending her questions through Ngoc and Hang. Van listened patiently, and I could only respond with what I had read here. I mentioned that I thought Thao was pretty young, and all of the girls were in agreement that this might be why she had been so fickle. I also mentioned what Kevin had said about her family latching on to him, and everyone nodded in unison like a shelf of bobble-head dolls!

What had gotten everyone so flustered was that a Vietnamese girl had let the relationship progress to the point where her boyfriend went to the trouble to actually travel to Vietnam to meet her, and then reject him. They had never heard of such a thing. I asked if maybe it was something that would be more common in the far south, but they flatly rejected that theory, but they were willing to concede that maybe girls from the north might be so rude (they are all from Hue province). In the end, the girls all agreed that Thao's age was probably the root of the problem, and that Kevin should focus on a more mature Vietnamese girl - like 25!

Anyway, Kevin, Mr. Van says you can send him your email address anytime and he'll be happy to introduce you to a 'well mannered' Vietnamese girl (after checking you out, of course). He's the acting family patriarch, and therefore the 'official' matchmaker of the family, so this is one of his responsibilities.

Thao is a good girl and I don't hold a grudge at all. Yeah, she's a bit of a snot at times, but.. I've spoken with her a few times since I've been home. Her age is the problem, at least according to her family. Yeh, she could have said something or whatever, 6 months ago!! But that's ok. I get it. I asked her family to not be angry with her. She's quite ashamed and apologizes every time we talk. Trinh was a misunderstanding on the part of myself and her Aunt. To put her family in perspective though, her Mother said that it was entirely up to the girls, she just wanted to keep me. Her father asked me several times while I was there to please come back to Vietnam next year and regarding his Daughters, he didn't care which one dated me - just that one of them damned well better..LOL!!

I always try not to sound like I'm the type of person who would stereotype people, but this is exactly why I love Vietnamese families!! I can't speak for them any further north than Da Lat, but I have yet to meet any Vietnamese people/families who didn't have the same level of concern, interest or care. I met a beautiful woman at the XQ Embroidery place in Da Lat. She was tall, elegant and truly interested and concerned about my stay in Vietnam (looking back, I sure wish I'd have gotten her name and number..LOL). She was astounded that I'd traveled there and was staying with a family that, essentially, spoke no English. She spoke very fluent English and we talked for quite some time. Everyone I spoke to there, even if they spoke NO English, showed that same interest. Every person, from the CoopMart in Vung Tau to the aforementioned beauty at XQ, treated me as If it was their personal job to be the ambassador of good will for Vietnam!

There were a couple of comments made that I'm sure were derogatory, but they were teenage boys passing by (Thao made a face when they said it) and It doesn't matter where you go...teenagers suck!! LOL. Everyone stared A LOT but I knew they would. I don't exactly "blend" in. Even that didn't bother me though. All it took was a smile I had men and women speak to me every where I went. I could tell they never got a chance to use English so they were happy to get to say "Hello, how are you?", or to tell their young children to "just say hello!" LOL.

I guess my point is, now even a family whom I've never met, has concern and cares. They've even offered to intervene and help. We consider stereotyping people here in the US to be a bad thing. We could damn sure use more of this kind of stereotype of people here in my opinion though!! That kind of treatment is true here at VJ too. What a great group of people! Thank you Jim, and be sure to tell your family I said so too I'll shoot you a message with my email address so you can pass it along to Mr. Van. I'm already "spoken for" with this family though I think..LOL

No matter where you go you will run into people that are against mixed relationships... A woman in Hanoi told Thuy (in front of me, but she didn't know I understood Vietnamese) that she needed to find a good Vietnamese man and not a foreigner. We have been the target of many slurs and I dont take it personal notr does she. On the flip side the families are great all over VN... not just in the south... Thuys family loves me and calls her regularly to ask how I am doing and when I will be back to visit them in Ha Tay... They don't care that I am 6'2" nor does she...

I use Jaxtr to call her from my cell.. It is not too expensive as it gives me a US # to call... We use Yahoo IM audio and video whenever we can... I wish it had a better mechanism to track a log aside from printing out the IM's. Jaxtr allows me to print logs of calls showing her # and the time date and duration so that helps with the "ongoing" requirement...

We also both have Iphones and can use VOIP from them and make calls free using truphone.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

I use Jaxtr to call her from my cell.. It is not too expensive as it gives me a US # to call... We use Yahoo IM audio and video whenever we can... I wish it had a better mechanism to track a log aside from printing out the IM's. Jaxtr allows me to print logs of calls showing her # and the time date and duration so that helps with the "ongoing" requirement...

Click on "Call History" from the "Contacts" menu in Yahoo Messenger. You get a list of calls with time/date/duration and who you talked to.

Also, do you have "Message Archive" enabled? Check your preferences and make sure it's turned on. It will record everything you type, and the "Message Archive" dialog on the "Contacts" menu will list the date of every chat session.

[ScottThuy 140]

The first thing I'd say is to take your time, Romeo!

Whether you meet a girl on a dating site, or you're introduced by her family, make sure you know her really well before deciding to go and meet her. If you ever get the feeling that either she or her family are pressuring you to make a commitment, then gently back out. If they're genuinely interested in seeing a successful relationship develop, then they won't put excess pressure on either of you.

I agree 100% Jim.. there are enough strains on a relationship as it is and then when you add cultural differences such as we see between the US and Asia, it tests the strength of the relationship as does a different language and those things that get lost in translation.. He shouldn't waste his or anyones time by jumping the gun... It helps to spend a great deal of time in the native country of the spouse to get an understanding of what to expect from the spouse in the future as well as what will be expected of them as a spouse.