Marrying and being married

[trailmix 77]

Time spent together, time apart - I personally think it's different for every couple. If you went to an anniversary celebration and the guy got up and said "Mabel and I have been married for 50 years and have never spent one night apart" everyone would ooo and ahhh lol

I can see how you read question 3 Misty - it can certainly be interpreted that way and I think I was thinking of it a bit that way when I wrote it - ie: I don't give a damn if you have dinner planned with your friends for us on Saturday, i'm out of here for 3 weeks.

But either way, it brings up the time apart thing. I personally don't feel any 'need' to be away from my Husband and he doesn't feel a need to be away from me, although I haven't seen him in a week - kidding!. If he wanted to say, return to Australia for a week to visit his family, I would have no problem with that.

[minnew 4]

I wanted to pick two answers for Question number 2. Our wedding this fall will be the legal and religious ceremony, with the wedding rings, wedding dress and all. We are having a church ceremony plus dinner and dancing reception. Yet our wedding will be quite small and simple with our closest family and friends attending. I think we will be lucky if 60 attended due to the distance and travelling involved, yet our invite list will be over 80.

[Hugglebuggles 60]

I see why you would make this thread Trailmix. There has been a lot of odd discussion about marriage and immigration lately, and everyone sees the process in a very different light. For me it was engagement and marriage first, moving and immigration second. I'm so excited to marry the love of my life! Without sounding corny... I can't wait to be married, Its not a step I take lightly. So I answered option 2 for the first 2 questions and option 3 for the last. You need to respect your husband/wife space, and I think some of the American petitioners don't really realize the sacrifice that goes into moving half way around the world on a leap of faith.

[ashenflowers 5]

I see why you would make this thread Trailmix. There has been a lot of odd discussion about marriage and immigration lately, and everyone sees the process in a very different light. For me it was engagement and marriage first, moving and immigration second. I'm so excited to marry the love of my life! Without sounding corny... I can't wait to be married, Its not a step I take lightly. So I answered option 2 for the first 2 questions and option 3 for the last. You need to respect your husband/wife space, and I think some of the American petitioners don't really realize the sacrifice that goes into moving half way around the world on a leap of faith.

Agreed... I find myself in a lucky situation, since my fiance DID make that sacrifice and transition last year, so he does know exactly what I'm going through (well, not exactly... he didn't have to do the whole immigration thing because he was already a U.S. citizen... lol). It helps

[wowswift 3]

I see why you would make this thread Trailmix. There has been a lot of odd discussion about marriage and immigration lately, and everyone sees the process in a very different light. For me it was engagement and marriage first, moving and immigration second. I'm so excited to marry the love of my life! Without sounding corny... I can't wait to be married, Its not a step I take lightly. So I answered option 2 for the first 2 questions and option 3 for the last. You need to respect your husband/wife space, and I think some of the American petitioners don't really realize the sacrifice that goes into moving half way around the world on a leap of faith.

Agreed... I find myself in a lucky situation, since my fiance DID make that sacrifice and transition last year, so he does know exactly what I'm going through (well, not exactly... he didn't have to do the whole immigration thing because he was already a U.S. citizen... lol). It helps

well, I went up to Canada to be with my SO for the whole process and I know how it is. It sucked more for me, I think he likes it down here better. I don't know what is wrong with us, but we've never spent more than 18 hours (happened twice though) apart since we met in real life, so we're attached at the hip now. I don't think we planned on being some dynamic duo, but we really have never had anything happen yet that would make one of us take off without the other for vacation or family reasons. I suppose if he wanted to go to Canada, he would make me go, even if I didn't want to lol. We married for the long haul, he doesn't mind having to move, except for his parents bugging him constantly, but they've calmed down a bit. lol i think he regrets showing them how to use messenger.

Edited May 14, 2009 by wowswift

[ashenflowers 5]

well, I went up to Canada to be with my SO for the whole process and I know how it is. It sucked more for me, I think he likes it down here better. I don't know what is wrong with us, but we've never spent more than 18 hours (happened twice though) apart since we met in real life, so we're attached at the hip now. I don't think we planned on being some dynamic duo, but we really have never had anything happen yet that would make one of us take off without the other for vacation or family reasons. I suppose if he wanted to go to Canada, he would make me go, even if I didn't want to lol. We married for the long haul, he doesn't mind having to move, except for his parents bugging him constantly, but they've calmed down a bit. lol i think he regrets showing them how to use messenger.

awwww

[July09Bride 1]

I see why you would make this thread Trailmix. There has been a lot of odd discussion about marriage and immigration lately, and everyone sees the process in a very different light. For me it was engagement and marriage first, moving and immigration second. I'm so excited to marry the love of my life! Without sounding corny... I can't wait to be married, Its not a step I take lightly. So I answered option 2 for the first 2 questions and option 3 for the last. You need to respect your husband/wife space, and I think some of the American petitioners don't really realize the sacrifice that goes into moving half way around the world on a leap of faith.

Well, some USCs do understand... b/c some of us have moved over 1600 miles away from our friends & families to be closer to our "immigrant of choice!". And, when we moved, we moved to a whole other part of the USA and a new culturally different area with different expectations and totally different way of life. So, some (albeit not many) USCs do understand the homesickness, the frustration of not having close friends neaerby, and what it feels like to be in the middle a ton of people but yet still totally an utterly completely alone.

[Hugglebuggles 60]

I see why you would make this thread Trailmix. There has been a lot of odd discussion about marriage and immigration lately, and everyone sees the process in a very different light. For me it was engagement and marriage first, moving and immigration second. I'm so excited to marry the love of my life! Without sounding corny... I can't wait to be married, Its not a step I take lightly. So I answered option 2 for the first 2 questions and option 3 for the last. You need to respect your husband/wife space, and I think some of the American petitioners don't really realize the sacrifice that goes into moving half way around the world on a leap of faith.

Well, some USCs do understand... b/c some of us have moved over 1600 miles away from our friends & families to be closer to our "immigrant of choice!". And, when we moved, we moved to a whole other part of the USA and a new culturally different area with different expectations and totally different way of life. So, some (albeit not many) USCs do understand the homesickness, the frustration of not having close friends neaerby, and what it feels like to be in the middle a ton of people but yet still totally an utterly completely alone.

I didn't mean to offend anyone! I said some, not all, or even most. I understand that many American petitioners have made great sacrifices to be with their "immigrants" too. I love my fiance and I think he tries very hard to be compassionate and understand, but I think its hard for him and a lot of others to really grasp the huge sacrifice involved with us moving far away from all our family and friends, adapting to a new society and changing nationalities. I think the Canadian forum, and most of VJ, is filled with a lot of Americans who are trying to help and understand the challenges facing their foreign fiances and spouses, but trying to understand and really understanding are two different things. I don't know, lately I've kinda been feeling on a ship all alone. There's really nobody in my day to day life that really understands all the mixed emotions I'm feeling right now... I'm excited to be with my fiance and get married, but I'm sad to be leaving my family, and I'm terrified that for some unknown reason I'm going to hate my life in the US and be miserable... And with that I've totally taken the thread off topic

[July09Bride 1]

I see why you would make this thread Trailmix. There has been a lot of odd discussion about marriage and immigration lately, and everyone sees the process in a very different light. For me it was engagement and marriage first, moving and immigration second. I'm so excited to marry the love of my life! Without sounding corny... I can't wait to be married, Its not a step I take lightly. So I answered option 2 for the first 2 questions and option 3 for the last. You need to respect your husband/wife space, and I think some of the American petitioners don't really realize the sacrifice that goes into moving half way around the world on a leap of faith.

Well, some USCs do understand... b/c some of us have moved over 1600 miles away from our friends & families to be closer to our "immigrant of choice!". And, when we moved, we moved to a whole other part of the USA and a new culturally different area with different expectations and totally different way of life. So, some (albeit not many) USCs do understand the homesickness, the frustration of not having close friends neaerby, and what it feels like to be in the middle a ton of people but yet still totally an utterly completely alone.

I didn't mean to offend anyone! I said some, not all, or even most. I understand that many American petitioners have made great sacrifices to be with their "immigrants" too. I love my fiance and I think he tries very hard to be compassionate and understand, but I think its hard for him and a lot of others to really grasp the huge sacrifice involved with us moving far away from all our family and friends, adapting to a new society and changing nationalities. I think the Canadian forum, and most of VJ, is filled with a lot of Americans who are trying to help and understand the challenges facing their foreign fiances and spouses, but trying to understand and really understanding are two different things. I don't know, lately I've kinda been feeling on a ship all alone. There's really nobody in my day to day life that really understands all the mixed emotions I'm feeling right now... I'm excited to be with my fiance and get married, but I'm sad to be leaving my family, and I'm terrified that for some unknown reason I'm going to hate my life in the US and be miserable... And with that I've totally taken the thread off topic

Not me!! I wasn't offended in the least! I was hoping others would see that some USCs do "get it" and that sometimes as a USC we CAN and DO lose sight of the sacrifices one makes when he/she crosses over an international boundary... its not just a state line.

[minnew 4]

To add to my earlier post, sorry didn't have the time! In our relationship situation, we met while I was studying in the U.S, we got to go out on dates every weekend and see each other almost daily like "normal" couples do. We spent almost 4 years together living in the same city and 1 year of actually living together before I had to move back to Canada. We were not ready at the time to get married, we had talked about going to the courthouse and filing AOS from F-1, but to us having our families and close friends there was much more important than hurrying up to get married so we wouldn't be apart.

We also decided we are only getting married once, it wouldn't feel right for us if we do a religious ceremony later on after the legal one. We knew we wanted to get married just not quite yet, not in a place emotionally or financially at the time, too much other ####### going on! I also knew when we were planning on filing for the K-1 process, as far as the engagement he told me he would propose within the 6 months before filing, so there still was some "suprise" aspect to it. (Sorry I am talking about another thread here) I just knew it was going to be during one of the monthly visits while we were dating LD. We knew the long distance would be hard especially after being together almost daily, and it is! I just keep telling myself it will be so worth it in the end!

Edited May 15, 2009 by minnew

[hapycloud 0]

Instead of bringing me back ketchup when he goes home he is going to have to bring me maple syrup and the All Dressed Chips. (Though he already does that now when he visits) That is my only exception LOL

[Caladan 19]

I am not intending my answer to be a snide comment on anyone else's situation, and I hope question three wasn't intended that way.

We mean the marriage to be permanent, the actual wedding ceremony was a big floofy thing which was important to us and our families, and I think that visits home are important, whether the USC can come along or not. I do think it's not acceptable to just declare that one is leaving for three weeks without discussing it, but that's not something that has to do with immigration, just planning and making joint decisions. C.'s been back several times because his work takes him across the border, and usually he builds in a trip to see his mom and dad for a couple of days on the end of the trip.

[bowflex 0]

I'm actually really surprised about the 3rd question and most people saying that they'd not even have a problem with it. I always thought that marriage was based on compromise so if one just wants to leave with three weeks with no discussion or anything I'd definitely think something's wrong with that. Time apart is very important but just up and leaving for 3 weeks with no chance to discuss is some garbage if you ask me Lol.

Don't get ya there Bowflex. What does going home for 3 weeks have to do with compromise? I don't think they are related in any way. When you move to be with someone, I hope that someone understands that you will be going home for certain periods of time for the rest of your life. My husband wouldn't care as it's my decision and he would never stop me. i've done it before! I don't see what the big deal is actually.

I had a problem more with the person just one day saying 'Hey, I'm going for three weeks, the end." I'm very independent, and I'm sure my wife would love to talk about how it's so frustrating sometimes Lol. I just took it as there would be no discussion, not even if the other person might need them for something over the next three weeks or something. I'd have no problem if my wife ever wanted to go back for a few weeks but I would find it weird if she didn't at least ask if I'd be interested in going or want to make sure we didn't have anything going on over that time. My grandma told me a long time ago after being married for over 60 years that absolutes have no place in marriage and I've always taken that to heart, that's all

[trailmix 77]

I am not intending my answer to be a snide comment on anyone else's situation, and I hope question three wasn't intended that way.

Well...since you asked...

No, it wasn't intended as snide - which would assume I was being critical of the person who originally posted the thread about her Husband - I don't know why you would think that Caladan.

But anyway, does it relate back to that thread, of course it does. Basically the intention of that question was to more or less discuss what seems 'fair' and how it works in your relationship. For instance, if your Husband said the above, that probably might not go over well in some relationships. If you sat down and discussed it over coffee, while it might be perfectly acceptable, in some relationships the wife or husband would at least want to be included in going on the trip too - etc - the poll is more about dialogue than a black and white answer.

But no - never intended as snide.

[thetreble 19]

I had a problem more with the person just one day saying 'Hey, I'm going for three weeks, the end." I'm very independent, and I'm sure my wife would love to talk about how it's so frustrating sometimes Lol. I just took it as there would be no discussion, not even if the other person might need them for something over the next three weeks or something. I'd have no problem if my wife ever wanted to go back for a few weeks but I would find it weird if she didn't at least ask if I'd be interested in going or want to make sure we didn't have anything going on over that time. My grandma told me a long time ago after being married for over 60 years that absolutes have no place in marriage and I've always taken that to heart, that's all

Understandable.

I guess for me, I don't know what there would be to talk about other than possibly the dogs (but id bring them with me so I already have that covered). I mean don't get me wrong I think there has to be some sort of 5 minute talk on what I would need my husband to do while I'm gone or something. However, I just meant there is no discussion on whether I'm allowed to go or not, or whether I'm allowed to go for only certain periods of time.

Oh, and grandmas tend to give good advice