K1 Visa options.... to stop process

[Ban Hammer 13,275]

sled, give your age on your profile, i'll assume your about mid career with the army (based on your profile listing north carolina, and probably 82nd).

you see the train wreck that can ensue from the red flags you've already listed. you know what to do.

Edited May 15, 2009 by charles!

[Peace be still 6]

First id like to say thanks for the comments and replies.... let me see if I can answer everyones questions :

First about the american guys and the whole friendster myspace #######.

She still adds guys on her friendster, she says there just friends and everyone on there is her friend from either highschool or college or where ever. That is just fishy because she has almost 600 of them. One American guy that she talked to a while ago and i told her she needed to get rid of him, well she deleted him but didnt delete him from facebook ?!. What ever ... all that social networking sites are all drama anyway. I deleted every social networking account I had. Friendster Myspace facebook, ect... It caused too many arguments so i got rid of it, she cant and wont. She also recieves Mail from one or two of the american guys... not sure what its about. Ok enough about that subject .. what else....

Her family, she has told me several times that she want to go alone to the US and live with just me, not even have kids anytime soon since i have a couple from my previous marrage. She also doesnt want me to help them, but i see her giving her mom money all the time. So that raises a red flag with me too.

When we are together we are 90% of the time fine and having fun were ever we go. I just dislike the looks i get when im with her ( I feel like people think she is just another club girl with an american ). Not directed toward me but toward her. I have several times said stuff to people, like when im with her I get addressed .. good morning sir... she gets nothing and I just simply say so you can say good morning to me but not her because she isnt american or something. The whole perception thing is killing me here. She gets harrassed when she leaves the hotel to go to work, and I had to yell at the management.

Im in Manila and I am honestly BORED, everything is the same day in and day out.

I dont know what to expect from this marrage, simply because my last two fell apart. 1st one we couldnt live together and fought all the time so we just seperated to get some space and she found someone else so we divorced... even though we are great friends now... 2nd marrage ended because my first ex wanted me to take my kids and have them live with me for a while, so I told my wife and she sent me seperation papers.. So that was a good signe i needed out of that relationship.

so this marrage... i dont know what to expect... Maybe I shouldnt expect anything.

what i want..... Honest, faithful, support (with work even if I stay in the military as well as all types of support), has to love kids because they will come first and it would be fine if she wanted kids, I cook so she doesnt really need to, i guess it would boil down to I want a best friend to say by my side through thick and thin...

Do we love each other.... I have told her several times I love her or I love you... but when she asks me why i love her I dont have an answer. on the same note she doesnt have an answer for me either.

Differences in fighting/arguing when we are apart or together is simple... I just wouldnt talk to her for days when we are apart. Then call her up and explain things to her. together she would take off and calm down then we would sit down and explain things.

Ok novel is done did i miss anything?

thanks

Your fiance doesn't want you to support your children? It's understandable that she doesn't want to have children right away since you are starting out in a new marriage. I believe you should take the time to get to know each other and pamper yourselves before adding any additional responsibility to what it is you already have. As far as the people in the town you are living in not addressing her when the two of you are together. I would think that they have a lack of respect for her corting a soldier, and perhaps you are not the only one that they have seen her with. Respect is earned by the way you present yourself at all times. I'm thinking you already know that this is not the right woman for you. Why are you having such a hard time letting it go. You already know what you want and in this relationship you are not feeling it at all. Sure you can have fun when you are together but you and I both know that this is not your real reality. You have children from a previous marriage which alone gives you this extra baggage of responsibility. Is this woman mature enough to be the step mother to your children? Or is this a ticket to the states for a better way of life? Pic a lady that is going to love you and all that belongs to you unconditionally. You deserve so much more then to settle for something you are having major doubts with. If you keep the process going with her, what happens if you meet someone that you feel is 100% your soul mate and you need to file papers to get this woman into the states. You can forget it because you are allowing this process to drag on. Each time I read your story I see red flags. Go to counseling for yourself before you go any further in this relationship.

[getosled 0]

sled, give your age on your profile, i'll assume your about mid career with the army (based on your profile listing north carolina, and probably 82nd).

you see the train wreck that can ensue from the red flags you've already listed. you know what to do.

32 im not in the 80Duece , im in SOCOM. yepp about 11yrs. Im going to pretty much tell her tonight that we need time to figure out if its right or not, ill send a letter in to the Vermont Service center. If she flips out then i really know i made the right choice...

[getosled 0]

First id like to say thanks for the comments and replies.... let me see if I can answer everyones questions :

First about the american guys and the whole friendster myspace #######.

She still adds guys on her friendster, she says there just friends and everyone on there is her friend from either highschool or college or where ever. That is just fishy because she has almost 600 of them. One American guy that she talked to a while ago and i told her she needed to get rid of him, well she deleted him but didnt delete him from facebook ?!. What ever ... all that social networking sites are all drama anyway. I deleted every social networking account I had. Friendster Myspace facebook, ect... It caused too many arguments so i got rid of it, she cant and wont. She also recieves Mail from one or two of the american guys... not sure what its about. Ok enough about that subject .. what else....

Her family, she has told me several times that she want to go alone to the US and live with just me, not even have kids anytime soon since i have a couple from my previous marrage. She also doesnt want me to help them, but i see her giving her mom money all the time. So that raises a red flag with me too.

When we are together we are 90% of the time fine and having fun were ever we go. I just dislike the looks i get when im with her ( I feel like people think she is just another club girl with an american ). Not directed toward me but toward her. I have several times said stuff to people, like when im with her I get addressed .. good morning sir... she gets nothing and I just simply say so you can say good morning to me but not her because she isnt american or something. The whole perception thing is killing me here. She gets harrassed when she leaves the hotel to go to work, and I had to yell at the management.

Im in Manila and I am honestly BORED, everything is the same day in and day out.

I dont know what to expect from this marrage, simply because my last two fell apart. 1st one we couldnt live together and fought all the time so we just seperated to get some space and she found someone else so we divorced... even though we are great friends now... 2nd marrage ended because my first ex wanted me to take my kids and have them live with me for a while, so I told my wife and she sent me seperation papers.. So that was a good signe i needed out of that relationship.

so this marrage... i dont know what to expect... Maybe I shouldnt expect anything.

what i want..... Honest, faithful, support (with work even if I stay in the military as well as all types of support), has to love kids because they will come first and it would be fine if she wanted kids, I cook so she doesnt really need to, i guess it would boil down to I want a best friend to say by my side through thick and thin...

Do we love each other.... I have told her several times I love her or I love you... but when she asks me why i love her I dont have an answer. on the same note she doesnt have an answer for me either.

Differences in fighting/arguing when we are apart or together is simple... I just wouldnt talk to her for days when we are apart. Then call her up and explain things to her. together she would take off and calm down then we would sit down and explain things.

Ok novel is done did i miss anything?

thanks

Your fiance doesn't want you to support your children?

I think you may misunderstood me... My Ex Wife didnt want me to have anything to do with my kids, and that is the reason she is my ex

It's understandable that she doesn't want to have children right away since you are starting out in a new marriage. I believe you should take the time to get to know each other and pamper yourselves before adding any additional responsibility to what it is you already have. As far as the people in the town you are living in not addressing her when the two of you are together. I would think that they have a lack of respect for her corting a soldier, and perhaps you are not the only one that they have seen her with. Respect is earned by the way you present yourself at all times. I'm thinking you already know that this is not the right woman for you. Why are you having such a hard time letting it go. You already know what you want and in this relationship you are not feeling it at all. Sure you can have fun when you are together but you and I both know that this is not your real reality. You have children from a previous marriage which alone gives you this extra baggage of responsibility. Is this woman mature enough to be the step mother to your children? Or is this a ticket to the states for a better way of life? Pic a lady that is going to love you and all that belongs to you unconditionally. You deserve so much more then to settle for something you are having major doubts with. If you keep the process going with her, what happens if you meet someone that you feel is 100% your soul mate and you need to file papers to get this woman into the states. You can forget it because you are allowing this process to drag on. Each time I read your story I see red flags. Go to counseling for yourself before you go any further in this relationship.

[Ban Hammer 13,275]

sled, give your age on your profile, i'll assume your about mid career with the army (based on your profile listing north carolina, and probably 82nd).

you see the train wreck that can ensue from the red flags you've already listed. you know what to do.

32 im not in the 80Duece , im in SOCOM. yepp about 11yrs. Im going to pretty much tell her tonight that we need time to figure out if its right or not, ill send a letter in to the Vermont Service center. If she flips out then i really know i made the right choice...

just think about what you'd advise one of your junior servicemember's if they were in your shoes.....

[getosled 0]

sled, give your age on your profile, i'll assume your about mid career with the army (based on your profile listing north carolina, and probably 82nd).

you see the train wreck that can ensue from the red flags you've already listed. you know what to do.

32 im not in the 80Duece , im in SOCOM. yepp about 11yrs. Im going to pretty much tell her tonight that we need time to figure out if its right or not, ill send a letter in to the Vermont Service center. If she flips out then i really know i made the right choice...

just think about what you'd advise one of your junior servicemember's if they were in your shoes.....

I cant you the type of language id use with them on this forum it would violate some rules lol

[maset09 0]

First id like to say thanks for the comments and replies.... let me see if I can answer everyones questions :

First about the american guys and the whole friendster myspace #######.

She still adds guys on her friendster, she says there just friends and everyone on there is her friend from either highschool or college or where ever. That is just fishy because she has almost 600 of them. One American guy that she talked to a while ago and i told her she needed to get rid of him, well she deleted him but didnt delete him from facebook ?!. What ever ... all that social networking sites are all drama anyway. I deleted every social networking account I had. Friendster Myspace facebook, ect... It caused too many arguments so i got rid of it, she cant and wont. She also recieves Mail from one or two of the american guys... not sure what its about. Ok enough about that subject .. what else....

if you can do it (deleting your social networking accounts) why cant she? i cant believe it. you already told her but she still wont do it. WHY? i guess you know the answer, just in denial?

Her family, she has told me several times that she want to go alone to the US and live with just me, not even have kids anytime soon since i have a couple from my previous marrage. She also doesnt want me to help them, but i see her giving her mom money all the time. So that raises a red flag with me too.

helping out once in awhile is ok. besides, shes giving them money out of her own pocket coz she works right? shes still here in the Phil's so you cant stop her from doing that. if you are marrried, the you can discuss that issue. take one problems at a time. sort out your feelings first.

When we are together we are 90% of the time fine and having fun were ever we go. I just dislike the looks i get when im with her ( I feel like people think she is just another club girl with an american ). Not directed toward me but toward her. I have several times said stuff to people, like when im with her I get addressed .. good morning sir... she gets nothing and I just simply say so you can say good morning to me but not her because she isnt american or something. The whole perception thing is killing me here. She gets harrassed when she leaves the hotel to go to work, and I had to yell at the management.

i had experienced the same thing. Its a filipino thing ; if a fiilipina is with a foreigner, they automatically think that she's a Prostitute or someone who works in a nightclub and just happened to be taken seriusly by an american. pathetic right? they let me sign, ask for my I.D. before letting me in. I gave them my ID from work, i work in a 5 star hotel(their direct competitior) in manila (executive position). then they look at me differently fom then on. some guards who doesnt know, still the ssame with me. It all gradually changed when they realized that we are really in a relationship coz im his only guest in his room (some americans have diff girls, so they tend to generalize) and I talk to them in english all the time. i know someone who goes out with foreigners (more than 2x), and stayed at the same hotel everytime. so, even if she stays with her BF now at the hotel for a long time, the guards and staffs look down on her. she's not a pro, but she just dates foreigners when theyre here.

Im in Manila and I am honestly BORED, everything is the same day in and day out.

I dont know what to expect from this marrage, simply because my last two fell apart. 1st one we couldnt live together and fought all the time so we just seperated to get some space and she found someone else so we divorced... even though we are great friends now... 2nd marrage ended because my first ex wanted me to take my kids and have them live with me for a while, so I told my wife and she sent me seperation papers.. So that was a good signe i needed out of that relationship.

so this marrage... i dont know what to expect... Maybe I shouldnt expect anything.

what i want..... Honest, faithful, support (with work even if I stay in the military as well as all types of support), has to love kids because they will come first and it would be fine if she wanted kids, I cook so she doesnt really need to, i guess it would boil down to I want a best friend to say by my side through thick and thin...

Do we love each other.... I have told her several times I love her or I love you... but when she asks me why i love her I dont have an answer. on the same note she doesnt have an answer for me either.

you love each other, but are you IN-LOVE? with each other?

Differences in fighting/arguing when we are apart or together is simple... I just wouldnt talk to her for days when we are apart. Then call her up and explain things to her. together she would take off and calm down then we would sit down and explain things.

Ok novel is done did i miss anything?

thanks

[adiiann 163]

People give wrong perception.... esp here in the Philippines

It depends on how you act when you're out, people around you could make assumption if you are really a couple or just dating for convenience.

Regarding, networking websites.... you can share the accounts... to lessen your doubt...

[subguy812 1]

sled, give your age on your profile, i'll assume your about mid career with the army (based on your profile listing north carolina, and probably 82nd).

you see the train wreck that can ensue from the red flags you've already listed. you know what to do.

32 im not in the 80Duece , im in SOCOM. yepp about 11yrs. Im going to pretty much tell her tonight that we need time to figure out if its right or not, ill send a letter in to the Vermont Service center. If she flips out then i really know i made the right choice...

just think about what you'd advise one of your junior servicemember's if they were in your shoes.....

I cant you the type of language id use with them on this forum it would violate some rules lol

Hey man I know this is my second chime in but...with all due respect this is not your first hayride. You have answered all of your own questions, it appears you need other reassurance that backing out is the right decision. Remember this is your life and her life, bumps in the road are one thing, but based only on what you have described, go back and read all you have written, if you were laying out the case or guiding someone else what would you tell them to do?

[Bobby+Umit 161]

"When there is a doubt, there is no doubt..."

Words I live by.

[Ed+Cindy 1]

"When there is a doubt, there is no doubt..."

Words I live by.

Perfectly stated

[getosled 0]

"When there is a doubt, there is no doubt..."

Love it i will use that again.....

FYI Thanks for all the replies... Yes i talked with her last night we are going to hold off for awhile until we have no doubt that it is right. She was upset and cried but I told her if we get married and one of us still has doubt about the other, would you rather go through a marrage full of doubt or get rid of it first then enjoy a marrage doubt free...?

Well all being said and done we talked for a long long time. I told her how I felt and strangly enough i told her about all her guy friends that make me jealous or mad ( what ever you like to call it ), she had an answer for all of them. I dont think she thinks things through alot... Example.. One american/filipino friend, she said she had been friends with for a while and met when she was in Singapore. She said she met him through other friends. I was like fine... but what is strange is SHE is the only one that gets Letters in the Mail from him. All her friends that he was friends with before her; and the reason for her meeting him... well he doesnt send them letters. Little and petty on my part.... yes.... but unfortunately im a guy and most guys I dont trust...not all, but most. IM not saying im a saint in any aspect... I have female friends but most are American, and all my pinay friends i really stopped talking too. Once in a while ill say hello and thats about it.

Anyway apparently my new skill is telling my life story and typing.

Longer story into a shorter one... we did talk and she did listen, but I have doubt and she is willing to not marry until that doubt is gone. Maybe it will be gone maybe it wont but we will try without the K1.

So that leads me to just a couple of questions...

Ill send in the letter to have the porcess stopped.

But...

1. How will that effect filing another K1 in the future whether its her or someone else.(I will not marry american girl again)

2. Will I have to pay the fee for filing again?

3. If i send another I129-F in for Her... the process starts completely over again right?

4. How detailed does that letter need to be to stop the process?

Thanks everyone.

[getosled 0]

i had experienced the same thing. Its a filipino thing ; if a fiilipina is with a foreigner, they automatically think that she's a Prostitute or someone who works in a nightclub and just happened to be taken seriusly by an american. pathetic right? they let me sign, ask for my I.D. before letting me in. I gave them my ID from work, i work in a 5 star hotel(their direct competitior) in manila (executive position). then they look at me differently fom then on. some guards who doesnt know, still the ssame with me. It all gradually changed when they realized that we are really in a relationship coz im his only guest in his room (some americans have diff girls, so they tend to generalize) and I talk to them in english all the time. i know someone who goes out with foreigners (more than 2x), and stayed at the same hotel everytime. so, even if she stays with her BF now at the hotel for a long time, the guards and staffs look down on her. she's not a pro, but she just dates foreigners when theyre here.

Yes thats exactly what I think is happening. Since Many americans stay there. Well something funny happened yesterday she was getting ready to walk out to work and the Head Manager stopped her and asked her how she was doing and if she was enjoying her stay again ( she help her before with a letter of appearence ). Nikka told her that she felt uncomfortable because of the issues, now everytime she leaves or comes in they all address her properly and are really polite lol. 5 Star Hotel huh.. which one? im in one now.. You looked familiar but i didnt want to venture a guess. Ive been to alot of those hotels between 2007, 2008, and now 2009.

[Ban Hammer 13,275]

sled, give your age on your profile, i'll assume your about mid career with the army (based on your profile listing north carolina, and probably 82nd).

you see the train wreck that can ensue from the red flags you've already listed. you know what to do.

32 im not in the 80Duece , im in SOCOM. yepp about 11yrs. Im going to pretty much tell her tonight that we need time to figure out if its right or not, ill send a letter in to the Vermont Service center. If she flips out then i really know i made the right choice...

just think about what you'd advise one of your junior servicemember's if they were in your shoes.....

I cant you the type of language id use with them on this forum it would violate some rules lol

[Mrs. Disney 0]

You mentioned she gets angry when you don't call for a few days. I know it's hard, but you're in the military, and if she doesn't get used to it, then it won't work because that's the toughest part and you both need to be prepared for that lack of communication.

Hope that this time you are giving each other will help you clear you mind and realize what's best for you and your children. Good luck!