Opinions?

[lollee 0]

Hi ladies,

Im sure many of you, as Canadian's who have fallen in love with an American citizen - have wondered the same thing. Or who know's...maybe im just weird! hehe.

I posted awhile ago regarding my best options for moving to the States to be with my boyfriend. After reading some very useful info shared by some of you, I discussed the possibility of a K-1 visa with him. He said he would do anything for me to move down there, including going through with that.

Im all for it. And we both love eachother very much. However...im worried. Iv always dreamt of getting engaged with the traditional - the man surprises you with a ring one day and your all omg omg. (lol). But im worried it's not going to be like that for us..im worried we are just going to go through with this Visa, im going to move, and thats it. No surprise ring, no walking down the isle in a pretty white dress one day down the road. I think it sounds kind of selfish, and it kind of sounds like I want to have my cake and eat it to. But it's every little girls dream to have that one special day. I currently work in a jewelry store - specializing in engagement rings. And everyday the thought crosses my mind as I see all these happy young couples ring shopping for one another.

Have any of you ever felt like this? How did you get through it? Did you mention it to him?

Thanks!

Edited May 13, 2009 by lollee

[Hugglebuggles 60]

Well, it happened for me a lot different then it happened for some. We've been dating for almost 4 years now and the engagement was actually a surprise! It was after we got engaged that we realized the huge immigration process we were faced with. We were both a little naive going into the process thinking it would be a lot easier and cheaper then It ended up being, but such is life!

Anyways, We talked about it and decided to have our own version of the white wedding. Its small (50 people) opposed to the grand wedding we'd probably be having if we had all the time and money in the world and our parents were in control of the guest list . This way I get to wear the white dress and our friends and family still get celebrate our big day with us. However, a lot, or most, aren't comfortable with going through the immigration process and planning a wedding with a tentative date at the same time.That's totally understandable... our wedding is set for August, so its basically delayed my move date by about 6 weeks or so, as I actually have the visa in my hand right now. Its also delayed any possibility of buying a house... immigration+wedding= no money! But don't listen to people who tell you its impossible or risky... Its really not.

The more common thing is that a lot of couples have their legal wedding asap after receiving their visa an entering the US, and then plan a larger formal ceremony to take place later. This gives you the opportunity to save and plan, and you can have the wedding you want when you want it. This was something I would like to have done... however my parents weren't in support of a wedding that wasn't "real."

I would definitely mention your concerns to him! Together you can come up with a plan that makes you both happy. You're making a huge sacrifice by agreeing to uproot your life and move to be with him... the least he can do is listen right? Or even better, buy you a ring... Just bugging!

Edited May 13, 2009 by Hugglebuggles

[MrsCat 6]

No matter the circumstances, if you're in love, the engagement will be magical and special.

[Carlawarla 1]

Hi ladies,

Im sure many of you, as Canadian's who have fallen in love with an American citizen - have wondered the same thing. Or who know's...maybe im just weird! hehe.

I posted awhile ago regarding my best options for moving to the States to be with my boyfriend. After reading some very useful info shared by some of you, I discussed the possibility of a K-1 visa with him. He said he would do anything for me to move down there, including going through with that.

Im all for it. And we both love eachother very much. However...im worried. Iv always dreamt of getting engaged with the traditional - the man surprises you with a ring one day and your all omg omg. (lol). But im worried it's not going to be like that for us..im worried we are just going to go through with this Visa, im going to move, and thats it. No surprise ring, no walking down the isle in a pretty white dress one day down the road. I think it sounds kind of selfish, and it kind of sounds like I want to have my cake and eat it to. But it's every little girls dream to have that one special day. I currently work in a jewelry store - specializing in engagement rings. And everyday the thought crosses my mind as I see all these happy young couples ring shopping for one another.

Have any of you ever felt like this? How did you get through it? Did you mention it to him?

Thanks!

Personally I don't think it's every little girls dream to have a "princess" wedding. Of course it's going to be special, just by virtue of the fact that you're both in love and want to get married. You've decided to do a K-1, or I can assume you're going to. No surprise ring? Says who? If you don't have one already, he's probably going to get you one. When will he give it to you? You won't know. You've talked about marriage so you know this is the man you're going to marry, so you know you're going to get a ring. Just not when, what kind etc. Couples that look for rings together, and pick one out together, as a LOT of couples do now, as you stated...what's the surprise in that?

Who says you can't walk down the isle in a white dress? You're really confusing me. After you get your visa, you have up to six months to come to the US, then another 90 days in which to marry if you wish. Surely you can plan something in that time. Surely you can have a white dress during that time. You don't have to get married in casual everyday clothes at the local courthouse unless that's what you want.

For lots of couples, the costs of immigrating deter one from planning a large elaborate wedding that costs tens of thousands of dollars. A total waste of money in my mind anyway. That's just my opinion.

Working for a jewellery store, you should already be aware that half the "fairy tale" about weddings, and costs, is promoted by that very industry for one reason, and one reason only...for profit.

Your fairy tale wedding should be what you both want, not the industry wants. It should be a special day that you share with people that you care about, in your committment to yourselves, your faith, and or community. Wearing the dress you want, no matter if it "suites" the venue or not ( in anyone else's opinion).

Your part about, getting the visa, moving, and that's "it" is a bit worriesome. What's "it" is that you'll be with the love of your life...sharing and loving...moving forward together...planning, living each day together. That should be the bottom line, and should be enough.

Edited May 13, 2009 by Carlawarla

[Emancipation 2]

I'll just echo what Carla said.. I didn't stress out as much about the wedding, but I stressed out about the engagement ring.. because we were saving so much (and hubby was still recovering 4 yrs later financially from his divorce), we couldn't afford a ring.. everyone when hearing that i was engaged would immediately come and ask to see my ring (which I didn't have).. I tried my hardest not to let it bother me, but it was chewing me up inside. I put pressure on hubby to get me a ring and so he did, but went into debt for it.. well that was a dumb idea, cause we are still paying on that silly ring(2.5 yrs later). In hindsight.. I had an expectation that realistically couldn't be met, and the solution to it ended up to be a negative one for us as a couple.. Now I honestly wish he'd gone out and bought a fake diamond ring.. just for something for me to wear and surprised me in a couple of years when we could afford a decent ring.. But you can't take the "romantic notions" outta a girl.. but I would say that I see things a lot differently now.

My caution is this.. think about your expectations out to the full extent of their consequences.. are they realistic considering your present situation? What are absolutes (things that you absolutely don't want to miss out on), and what are things that would be nice, but you probably would survive with not receiving or experiencing them. You are right in that immigration and the costs associated with it can and do change the process, but that also creates a unique story for you that very few get to experience.. Does it seem upside down at times.. fer sure! But I'm learning to embrace my love story with my mate, it looks different that I imagined, it started differently than I could imagine, the romance, the day to day reality is uniquely ours and I cherish that.

Edited May 13, 2009 by Emancipation

[KristinL 0]

Hi ladies,

Im sure many of you, as Canadian's who have fallen in love with an American citizen - have wondered the same thing. Or who know's...maybe im just weird! hehe.

I posted awhile ago regarding my best options for moving to the States to be with my boyfriend. After reading some very useful info shared by some of you, I discussed the possibility of a K-1 visa with him. He said he would do anything for me to move down there, including going through with that.

Im all for it. And we both love eachother very much. However...im worried. Iv always dreamt of getting engaged with the traditional - the man surprises you with a ring one day and your all omg omg. (lol). But im worried it's not going to be like that for us..im worried we are just going to go through with this Visa, im going to move, and thats it. No surprise ring, no walking down the isle in a pretty white dress one day down the road. I think it sounds kind of selfish, and it kind of sounds like I want to have my cake and eat it to. But it's every little girls dream to have that one special day. I currently work in a jewelry store - specializing in engagement rings. And everyday the thought crosses my mind as I see all these happy young couples ring shopping for one another.

Have any of you ever felt like this? How did you get through it? Did you mention it to him?

Thanks!

I think how you feel is not wrong, or abnormal. But realize that the engagement will give you that "OMG OMG" feeling anyway!! I knew when I was going to get engaged, and it was still an incredible feeling to be engaged to this wonderful guy I love soo much!! and I was running around saying "OMG" to all my friends

As for the wedding, if you have your heart set on the traditional princess wedding, then perhaps you should consider planning it for sometime well after the visa process -- when you get the visa, you can do a civil marriage. That way, you can actually plan the details of the big wedding, without being dependent on the visa.

IMO, you should share with your boyfriend how you feel about these things before starting immigration process - openness and communication are vital to being in a relationship, especially one thats about to become more committed... and go through the immigration process Tell him the kind of wedding you want. Hopefully you are on the same page!

[Udella&Wiz 325]

I felt guilty that to a certain extent - things wouldn't happen in their natural pattern - my now husband would be forced to ask me to marry him and I actually cried a bit about the fact that it wouldn't be special enough (something I have bemoaned more then once)- since it seemed like the only way to get me down there.

I was VERY surprised though when he did ask me, because we hadn't really targeted dates or talked much about finances and I guess I figured it would just happen so when he asked me to marry him on the last day of one of our trips - I was beside myself. Really - it will be ok!

I had a great deal of angst planning the wedding to be what I really wanted in my head and the reality of the money and timing and everything else. In my head I might have wished for something, but I did have to change my expectations and make things work by being creative in some cases...truth was, I wouldn't have had tons of cash regardless of where I was getting married and I'm not the type to run up credit cards just to have something....but absolutely, you canmake it what you want

......and as most of us will tell you, it's a great day - but it's only 1 day and once it's done you'll think back and laugh and realize you worried more then you needed to

[trailmix 77]

I agree with what Carla said, who says you can't walk down an aisle in a pretty white dress?

I kind of see where you are coming from about the engagement. In the movies they don't talk about getting married, he just shows up with a ring one day and asks her to marry him. I think that, generally, people do discuss marriage before they decide to get engaged - so it is probably more of a movie thing (the HUGE surprise)

As others have mentioned though, just because you know you are getting engaged, does not mean that it isn't very special and exciting.

Edited May 13, 2009 by trailmix

[lollee 0]

Thank you all for the input

Edit!:

Should I talk to him about this now over the phone? Or wait until I go to see him in June?

Edited May 13, 2009 by lollee

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Thank you all for the input

Edit!:

Should I talk to him about this now over the phone? Or wait until I go to see him in June?

I really like Emancipations comment:

My caution is this.. think about your expectations out to the full extent of their consequences.. are they realistic considering your present situation? What are absolutes (things that you absolutely don't want to miss out on), and what are things that would be nice, but you probably would survive with not receiving or experiencing them. You are right in that immigration and the costs associated with it can and do change the process, but that also creates a unique story for you that very few get to experience.. Does it seem upside down at times.. fer sure! But I'm learning to embrace my love story with my mate, it looks different that I imagined, it started differently than I could imagine, the romance, the day to day reality is uniquely ours and I cherish that.

Talk to your boyfriend about your worries, I did and my husband reminded me that we would be together and that even if we had something small to begin with, later on once things are more settled, we could renew our vows ina different way - i mean, who knows what the future holds.

[SapphireDreams 71]

My engagement was a complete surprise, the expression on my face (he recorded it) was priceless and yet I knew it was coming!

We discussed in detail the K1 visa and the decision to get married to be together. I would say we talked about it for hours on end. In person, on the phone, online... all the time. Anyways, we decided that since we knew that we were ready to get engaged within the next year, we were start the K1 paperwork, know that it would take almost a year to process.

Soo, we filed in June 2008, and we decided that whenever he was ready - because it was a lot of pressure on him - within the next 6-8 months or so, he would propose officially. I had no idea when it would happen. He still made a lot of effort to get me my dream ring and be creative with it and surprise me. It was something we both wanted to do, and didn't let immigration stop us.

The immigration stuff has always been on the background for us, we always let our relationship progress naturally and then once we were at the point that we were discussing marriage, we looped the immigration part of it into the picture. I will say, that R did feel pressure to propose, even though we had discussed it and ultimately I think he proposed at the right time... but I know he was pressured, mostly because there was that looming immigration paperwork in the background.

We also decided that we wanted to have a long engagement and save lots of money so that we could have a big fairytale wedding. We're getting married next month at the courthouse, for immigration purposes only, and then we're having a big Catholic Italian wedding in Toronto in September 2010. I am loving this insane amount of time to plan and save money to be able to get the venue, dress, flowers etc. that I want. Since we are Catholic, the church wedding is really still going to be very sentimental and meaningful, even more so than the courthouse wedding.

I'm not changing my name, or wearing a wedding band until Sept 2010. So far, everything has been wonderful, but I know that deep down we did the right thing waiting to let things progress naturally. We dated long distance for about 5 years before we filed, and I can't imagine having gone through this sooner.

I know every couple is different, but this is something very serious that your boyfriend needs to be 100% ready for. You need to be saying everything you've said to us to him! You need to be setting expectations, and ensuring that he is ready to actually propose. If he's looking at this as just paperwork, and you're looking at this differently, with a proposal and wedding in mind... then you need to be on the same page before anything happens.

[trailmix 77]

Should I talk to him about this now over the phone? Or wait until I go to see him in June?

My question to you is, why wouldn't you talk to him now? If you feel like it?

[thetreble 19]

Right now I'm involved with a Bridezilla (my soon to be sister in law..well I don't know if she is because she's my brother in laws soon to be wife)

Any ways, from the $13,000 engagement ring to their $50,000 wedding, every one involved is absolutely sick of the entire thing. I've been hearing about this wedding now since day 2 of engagement. My bridezilla walks around with a 5 inch thick binder of wedding stuff and brings it with her everywhere. She literally carries it in her car where ever she goes.

I've learned a lot of lessons from her wedding and my own. The most important thing being that it appears she has forgotten about being married and is completely focused on Aug. 2nd. What happens after that date, I don't think she has really given a thought to. I believe she will be thoroughly disappointed.

Not every one has the idea of a massive wedding where you are put on display. She obviously does because she loves attention, but I had a small wedding because I couldn't bare the thought of it being about me. There was too much pressure in that.

My wedding was nothing special but people drank and ate to their hearts desire. Most importantly, our families were there.

My husband let me pick out my ring and thank god. So I knew we were getting engaged. He didn't do anything special for me and I was okay with that because buying the ring was a financial strain in itself. I couldn't work because I was in the US trying to Adjust Status and he was hardly making enough at the time to get us by.

Visa processes are very expensive, so, what many people do...is they have one small justice of the peace ceremony and then in a few years when they have enough money, they have the wedding they wanted.

The word "expectation" is a very loaded word. I find a lot of people have far too many expectations of people or how things are supposed to be, so they always end up disappointed. You have to find a balance between what you want and what is realistic.

If you love each other, everything you do, no matter what it;s like, will be special. Remember, being married isn't about wearing a $3,000.00 dress, it's about 40 years of living and learning.

[rexalite 0]

I love weddings, and love love love party planning. I often have dreamed about planning my own wedding, long before I met my husband. When we decided to get married, for a variety of reasons, we decided to go K3 instead of K1, so we wanted to get married as quickly as possible. I ended up with a bout 10 days to plan my wedding and my honeymoon. I got to pick out my own ring (and DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE VALUE OF THAT! You have to wear it every day for the rest of your life- it's really nice if you like it!) The night we got engaged, when he gave me the ring, and asked me to marry him, it was no surprise. I knew the ring was coming back sized that day. He made surprise dinner reservations, but that was it. I was over the moon. I loved him so much, I wouldn't have given a fig for one of those surprise novelty proposals. I just wanted to spend my every day with him.

As for the wedding that I planned in a little over a week. We went to Hawaii, with our closest family and friends. We had 28 guests. The people who really really wanted to be there were there, and that was it. No Great Aunt Mabel clogging the reception line. We got married on the beach at sunset. We had no bridal party, because there were so few guests that we didnt' want to single out a handful as special. If I had 2 years to plan it, there wasn't a detail I would have changed. I bought a dress off the rack, and it was perfect. The location was perfect. The food was perfect. The flowers were perfect. The cake was perfect. Everyone who went said it was the best wedding they had ever been to. It was pitch perfect. There weren't printed invitations, there wasn't time for a bridal shower, no custom made dress, no Peter Fox shoes! And honestly, I couldn't care less. I was just wanted to be married.

If you don't feel the same way, I would wait until I do to get married. Because being married is tough, and if the thing that seems paramount is planning the party that will last for 6 hours, you might not be in the right place yet. When you don't care about your wedding, that's when you're ready for your wedding!

[Udella&Wiz 325]

As an aside - I see a few comments here and there reminding the OP that if this is what she's worried about, maybe she should wait....I don't think that's the point she's trying to make at all........it's a rough ride through immigration and if we didn't have it to worry about, some of us might have done the 'big day' differently

As I commented above, Emaicipation said it well - sometimes we come with expectations which evolved from ideas we've had since forever and aren't based around real events (carriage, glass slipper, castle etc.... )...but as things begin to take shape and reality arrives, then we can make adjustments and keep the 'must haves' and change those that aren't as important