Explaining to your SO that you are poor

[WalkonWildSide 0]

Ok, try as I might I am having a really difficult time explaining the economic realities of living in Hawaii. Yes I have a job. Yes my income is way above the poverty level guidelines. I thought she understood everything or at least a good idea of things. However after yesterdays conversation I get the impression she really doesn't get how expensive things are in the USA, especially the price premium of living in Hawaii.

Her background is, she lived in Belarus. She shared a studio apartment with a good friend. She worked for herself and her resources were limited.

She moved to Canada, took a job as a nanny. She lives in an apartment that is attached to the house. Room and Board are included in her contract. So her salary is hers. She doesn't need to pay for water, electricity, medical insurance, etc...

How did others explain their financial situation and where all the money goes?

Suggestions? Ideas?

[Kiv 32]

Hello,

Just explain it; as many times as necesary; sometimes the conversion dlls to other coin can give others a wrong idea of a lot of money. Ask how much she pays for services, grocery, transportation or car insurance (this one is crazy here compared to what I paid in Mexico) and then compare it to what you pay, in the US; even hair cut or dinner out.

I don't know about where she lives but in my case I was making less money (or at least less dollars) that what I do here, but I still managed to buy my own house, my own car and I did not have debts when I moved to the US but I had a small saving found.

Here with 2 salaries instead of 1 I feel far from being a home owner.

The better she understands, the better for both of you.

[baron555 934]

[How did others explain their financial situation and where all the money goes?

Suggestions? Ideas?

Draft up a detailed income / debits balance sheets. Show everything, Food, mortgage, insurance, taxes, gas, utilities, everything in detail.

This is very important. She will have no idea that we in the US make a lot of money but we also have to pay a lot of money. Nothing is free, whereas in her country the government subsidizes a lot of the common daily expenses.

[payxibka 10,045]

my wife initially thought that the salary I made was "clean" money and did not understand that up to 40% of that is withheld in taxes and other withholdings... once she understood that, the other things started to fall into place

[K1researcher 0]

like others said ... detail it out. not too hard if you just explain it

[slim 1,525]

Yep, it's not too hard, but for some reason, it's still hard for them to "get it."

I've been round and round with my wife and the only thing that started her "getting it" was when she got a job, had her own money, and had to pay her own bills. Up until that point, it was, "where is all of our money? Why you always waste all money and we always poor? Why you never give your wife money?"

I've had the "budget" conversation a million times with her and digging deeper, it seems like what happened was before she came here she knew I made around $2,000 a month. That sounded like a lot of money. I "forgot" to tell her that out of that $2000 comes rent, car payment, insurance for both, gas for both, electricity, cable, phone, internet, cell phone, food, credit cards or other debt payments, and then whatever else we wanted to do.

She just knew there should've been more. Even though I was showing her, on paper and online, where ALL of our money was going she just couldn't get it. How can you be so poor? You must get second job!

Well, once she got a job and started paying for things herself - car, insurance, gas, kicking in on rent and utilities, it all started making sense. "Why I never have any money?"

Basically, she won't "get it" until she's forced to. I went so far as having my wife "do the finances" which lasted all of a week because she didn't understand the importance of paying bills on time, etc. "See, the money has to be in the account before you write the check."

Good luck!

[WalkonWildSide 0]

I've tried the detailing out all the expenses...tried listing the cost of things...

I have two things working against me. First she doesn't believe me when I tell her how much something costs. Secondly I am not sure how much many things that she needs costs.

Recent conversation...

How much does a box of tea cost?

I don't know, I don't normally buy tea. Maybe $8 a box?

Tea can't cost that much.

How much does petrol cost?

About $3 a gallon.

It is only $0.88 a liter here in Canada. Gas can't cost that much in Hawaii.

Actually its about the same, your price is per liter, and my price is per gallon.

That doesn't make any sense you must be wrong.

How much does a pineapple cost?

For a whole pineapple, $7.

$7, in Belarus I could buy a pineapple for $3.

Great we will smuggle pineapples from Belarus to Hawaii.

You have no idea how much food costs do you?

No not really since I never buy food.

and on and on it goes...

Why is car insurance $300 a month.

Because I am terrible driver and thats what they charge me.

Why are you such a bad driver?

Because I enjoy hitting poles in parking lots.

Can't you get insurance for cheaper?

Why didn't I think of that, Why yes I can get it cheaper but instead I love throwing money away.

That's what I thought.

Why do we have to pay for medical insurance?

Hell if I know? It is the way the system works.

Russian doctors are so much better than Canadian doctors (inferring that American doctors are terrible) why do you have to pay so much?

Well Canadian doctors are free, so you get what you pay for.

Explaining the whole American taxation rates is going to be an uphill battle. Yes 28% to Federal, then you have FICA, SUTA, State Taxes, Mandatory Medical Insurance...and at the end of the day maybe I have $8 left over. I think most of you are right, until she sees it, she won't get it.

She told me that she was talking with her mum, and her mum asked her, "Does he have enough money to buy you food?"

I was like.....what the hell did you tell her?

I am poor but not that poor. MTV cribs has really given a crazy impression to foreigners. They are rap stars, they can afford a 6 car garage. I work a normal job daytime job and live in a really expensive city.

[mox 298]

According to your timeline she hasn't arrived yet. So unless this is some kind of deal breaker for her coming over, I'd try to put the conversation off for until she arrives. Then take her shopping. Buy some tea and a pineapple. (and wow, I'd have thought pineapple would be a lot less expensive in HI...we pay about the same for pineapple here in CA) Take her to the gas station. Buy some gas. Hit a pole on your way home. Then you can show her your pay stub, and you can show her your budget, which you will have carefully put together ahead of time. She's bound to be a smart girl, she'll get it. But until she gets here, it's all just an abstraction, and any discussion you have about it is just going to end in frustration.

[SP&JM 0]

According to your timeline she hasn't arrived yet. So unless this is some kind of deal breaker for her coming over, I'd try to put the conversation off for until she arrives. Then take her shopping. Buy some tea and a pineapple. (and wow, I'd have thought pineapple would be a lot less expensive in HI...we pay about the same for pineapple here in CA) Take her to the gas station. Buy some gas. Hit a pole on your way home. Then you can show her your pay stub, and you can show her your budget, which you will have carefully put together ahead of time. She's bound to be a smart girl, she'll get it. But until she gets here, it's all just an abstraction, and any discussion you have about it is just going to end in frustration.

Lol .

[WalkonWildSide 0]

Not a deal breaker for her coming to USA. Just was trying to prep her or ease the harsh reality of the scenario. She knows I live in a small apartment. Still am asked why I don't buy a house. Simply because houses in Hawaii cost 700K and up.

Pineapples in Hawaii come from the Philippines and aren't grown locally anymore. Maui pineapples go to the mainland to be processed.

Hit a pole on your way home.

That is a given. I would love to go a week without hitting a pole in the parking lot. The parking lots in Hawaii are extra small but everyone drives super big SUV's. SUV's on the mainland are not a problem, you have the space for them. In Hawaii they are not necessary. Where are you going to go off-roading? Up the volcano? They really should be illegal in Hawaii.

Good point of just trying to avoid the topic for now. The reality will just hit her hard.

[mox 298]

Pineapples in Hawaii come from the Philippines and aren't grown locally anymore. Maui pineapples go to the mainland to be processed.

Wow, interesting. So you pay to import a product that is grown locally because all of the local product is exported. You guys must have been infected by stupidity from the mainland. I'm originally from Colorado, where they import most of their cantaloupe, even though most of the cantaloupe grown in the US from Rocky Ford, CO. But it's almost all exported now. You go to a grocery store within a half mile of a cantaloupe farm in CO, and you're buying Mexican cantaloupe. Go figure.

Don't sweat the financial stuff. It's stability that's going to be the most important to her. Once she understands that you have a steady job and that you won't be sleeping out on the streets or wondering where your next meal is coming from, she won't be terribly bothered about the rest. Unless she's related so Slim's wife, and then all bets are off.

[It's me 1]

Hello,

Just explain it; as many times as necesary; sometimes the conversion dlls to other coin can give others a wrong idea of a lot of money. Ask how much she pays for services, grocery, transportation or car insurance (this one is crazy here compared to what I paid in Mexico) and then compare it to what you pay, in the US; even hair cut or dinner out.

I don't know about where she lives but in my case I was making less money (or at least less dollars) that what I do here, but I still managed to buy my own house, my own car and I did not have debts when I moved to the US but I had a small saving found.

Here with 2 salaries instead of 1 I feel far from being a home owner.

The better she understands, the better for both of you.

I agree 100%

[slim 1,525]

Unless she's related so Slim's wife, and then all bets are off.

MIL asked the wife, recently, if we had enough money for food. Now I know she's been telling her I'm poor, but come on. I didn't get the name slim by skipping meals!

I know the stories get a little far-fetched through the phone because when sis-in-law arrived here last year and we pulled into the driveway she thought our detached garage/shack was our house. "ahhhh... gdye dom?" Seems when wifey was telling her about our small, old, poor, apartment she laid it on pretty thick.

As for stuff being imported/exported, talk to your friendly govt. reps. They actually PAY your tax dollars to ensure programs like this keep happening. Why? Because someone who contributed to their campaign makes money off of our stupidity. Until we're smart enough to vote all of these "common sense" politicians out of office, we'll keep eating more of this nonsense.

[mox 298]

As for stuff being imported/exported, talk to your friendly govt. reps. They actually PAY your tax dollars to ensure programs like this keep happening. Why? Because someone who contributed to their campaign makes money off of our stupidity. Until we're smart enough to vote all of these "common sense" politicians out of office, we'll keep eating more of this nonsense.

You mean go against the very principles of capitalism and supply and demand that have made our country the economic powerhouse that it is? No sir, I will not stand for that. Good day sir...I said good day!

[trailmix 77]

Russian doctors are so much better than Canadian doctors (inferring that American doctors are terrible) why do you have to pay so much?

Well Canadian doctors are free, so you get what you pay for.

Maybe you need to move to Canada because you don't understand.

I just thought this was funny since you wrote that your fiancee doesn't 'get' Hawaii.

Edited May 13, 2009 by trailmix