Contemplating Divorce

[Sprailenes 47]

And just to say...

As a person who has suffered from PTSD I can say that you do get through it, but it does take time. A long time. I am not going to talk about my situation openly because its no ones business but you are not alone, but you just need to get over the hump. I don't baby people, and perhaps I sound harsh, but I am one to just try to tell it like it is in these situations because there's no sugar coating awful events.

[kcoyclay1 98]

or anything that flashes...

or anything in colours that make your eyes hurt...

or font that takes up the whole page.....

common decency!!!

Why is it affecting you guys? Are you CRH's mouthpiece? I'm just saying... thetreble your signature seriously hurt my eyes. If you would just use another color and bold the lettering I think it would help.

Anyway just remember that this forum is all about CRH and not about anyone else. Its a waste of time for persons who want to follow the thread to see it going in a war of words over something that does not relate to the subject. So can we move on?

Well no one else has a problem with my sig but you, but plenty of people had problems with the glitter pictures so...

Any way. Of course we can move on!

Hi thetreble,

Just hailing you up... Have a nice day ( I won't glitter you out okay)

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

And just to say...

As a person who has suffered from PTSD I can say that you do get through it, but it does take time. A long time. I am not going to talk about my situation openly because its no ones business but you are not alone, but you just need to get over the hump. I don't baby people, and perhaps I sound harsh, but I am one to just try to tell it like it is in these situations because there's no sugar coating awful events.

EXACTLY, e

[kcoyclay1 98]

CRH, you seemed bothered by him leaving well before he left. I am a firm believer in learning to stand on your own before leaning on someone else, and perhaps you haven't quite learned to stand alone yet. I understand you're afraid but surely you could have found another way to deal with it other than be that woman who called him crying and begging for him to come back while he was visiting family that he had just left behind. In a relationship that involves distance there is a strong chance that there will be time apart.

This might just be my irritability and confusion talking, but while I think you have a valid point about learning how to stand on one's own, I also find this comment to be offensive. I was very independent for a long time before marrying my husband, and even afterward. I was able to work two jobs in college, pay for my own car in full, buy my own house after college, and I got scholarships/grants to get through college without taking out loans (and graduated Summa Cum Laude). I'm doing really, really well at work and am an officer in my volunteer public speaking club. It frustrates me to no end that some jerk broke into my house and took my ability to be independent away from me. I don't think it's easy for most people to understand what that feels like.

Whoever it was who said that we can't really judge got it right. Heck, I can't judge and I'm in the situation. I have been very polite and pleasant toward Sean--I made it a point to be after he told me he wants to leave me. I don't think it's productive to be a big jerk when he was so upfront and shared his feelings with me, hurtful as they are. It's too soon to know what I really think of this or to know what to do.

Well I didn't mean to offend you and I wasn't talking about being independent. I mean you just sound very dependent on him right now and he could be feeling smothered. You can't hold him accountable for the way you feel. It seems like you're angry at him for not dropping things to come home to you, it seems like you're angry that he isn't giving you the reaction you desire. All of this stemming from something that he didn't have anything to do with. And what is happening is NORMAL. But you need to go to counselling to deal with that event before you can deal with anything else with a clear mind because you are experiencing so many emotions that stem from that incident.

Sprailenes, I am just joking around so don't get upset when I say I guess CRH would now need some glitter text after........ (smile). Anyway I like your profile pic. Have a blessed day.

Edited May 14, 2009 by kcoyclay1

[Sprailenes 47]

I am not upset. Don't worry. Glitter text doesn't upset me, it just makes me cringe.

[WalkonWildSide 0]

CptRuby;

I don't know you, you don't know me...but reading the other comments, I think I will share a guys opinion.

It frustrates me to no end that some jerk broke into my house and took my ability to be independent away from me. I don't think it's easy for most people to understand what that feels like.

I do totally understand the home invasion scenario, been there.

However nobody can take something from you, unless you give it to them. Don't allow the guy to take away your independence. Fight for it. Everything else you have said about yourself is contrary to how you currently dealing with the situation. It would be great if Sean was able to support you, but the evidence you are supplying shows that he is unwilling or incapable of doing so. You are on your own!

Whoever it was who said that we can't really judge got it right. Heck, I can't judge and I'm in the situation. I have been very polite and pleasant toward Sean--I made it a point to be after he told me he wants to leave me. I don't think it's productive to be a big jerk when he was so upfront and shared his feelings with me, hurtful as they are. It's too soon to know what I really think of this or to know what to do.

Your right about it being too soon to know what to think. However the thoughts about counseling, and some last minute saving of the marriage are pipe dreams. He was too afraid to admit he didn't want to be in the relationship and couldn't figure out to stop it.

I really don't mean to be cruel, but the marriage is over. Sean has made his decision.

I commented earlier that there were other issues...and finally he is telling you what those issues are. He feels trapped, cornered, isn't in love with you, and isn't ready for a long term relationship. Be thankful that you found out now instead of 4 years from now.

Best of luck to you this weekend. I am sure there will be plenty of tears, anger, and resentment. But in the end you can handle it all.

Edited May 15, 2009 by easytarget

[trailmix 77]

I really don't mean to be cruel, but the marriage is over. Sean has made his decision.

I commented earlier that there were other issues...and finally he is telling you what those issues are. He feels trapped, cornered, isn't in love with you, and isn't ready for a long term relationship. Be thankful that you found out now instead of 4 years from now.

Best of luck to you this weekend. I am sure there will be plenty of tears, anger, and resentment. But in the end you can handle it all.

Hopefully Ruby will be too busy preparing for her Husband's homecoming to read what you have written.

You know, i'm all about the honesty thing too - however, as you mentioned in the first line - you don't know her (or him), that is why perhaps it would have been wiser to temper your thoughts a bit.

Now i'm not saying that you shouldn't be able to say what you think - i'm just saying HOW do you know, in this particular case, that your analysis of her Husband is correct? Sure maybe there are signs pointing to him perhaps feeling this way - but you state their marriage is over, i'm just saying that, in my opinion, it is a pretty big jump to make.

A few weeks ago you posted about your own relationship, you got kind and helpful answers. Anyone could have said, at any time - you know - she is just not that in to you. She states you can't afford to support her, she is trying to postpone coming to live with you until AFTER the olympics for heaven's sake!

Initially when I read your story I thought hmm, she doesn't sound too interested - however, I do not know her, many things could have been playing on her mind, moving to another foreign country, homesickness, fear of the unknown - who knows.

The fact is we didn't and don't know your personal relationship - you two talked and you worked it out.

Perhaps Ruby and her Husband will as well.

[kcoyclay1 98]

I am not upset. Don't worry. Glitter text doesn't upset me, it just makes me cringe.

okay sprailenes got yah. Glad to hear you got over your trauma. I had an incident too that was very very bad. Held up at gun-point with one of the biggest gun I had ever seen at age 17, but thank God I'm alive. For many months I trembled whenever I saw a gun even if it was in the hands of a cop. This PTSD is no joke. CRH needs all the support and encouragement she can get to take her through this time. It is different for everyone but she will bounce back to her old self again. Anyway have a blessed day.

[thetreble 19]

I actually agree with Trailmix. I don't think we get to decide when someone's marriage is over. I have said it before and I will say it again, we really have no clue what is going on with them. We have a one sided account of one person's perception of what's going on in their own marriage.

We should all try to be honest but also encourage every one to work it out and give hope. We all need a little hope. Our lives can be so messy.

[kcoyclay1 98]

I really don't mean to be cruel, but the marriage is over. Sean has made his decision.

I commented earlier that there were other issues...and finally he is telling you what those issues are. He feels trapped, cornered, isn't in love with you, and isn't ready for a long term relationship. Be thankful that you found out now instead of 4 years from now.

Best of luck to you this weekend. I am sure there will be plenty of tears, anger, and resentment. But in the end you can handle it all.

Hopefully Ruby will be too busy preparing for her Husband's homecoming to read what you have written.

You know, i'm all about the honesty thing too - however, as you mentioned in the first line - you don't know her (or him), that is why perhaps it would have been wiser to temper your thoughts a bit.

Now i'm not saying that you shouldn't be able to say what you think - i'm just saying HOW do you know, in this particular case, that your analysis of her Husband is correct? Sure maybe there are signs pointing to him perhaps feeling this way - but you state their marriage is over, i'm just saying that, in my opinion, it is a pretty big jump to make.

A few weeks ago you posted about your own relationship, you got kind and helpful answers. Anyone could have said, at any time - you know - she is just not that in to you. She states you can't afford to support her, she is trying to postpone coming to live with you until AFTER the olympics for heaven's sake!

Initially when I read your story I thought hmm, she doesn't sound too interested - however, I do not know her, many things could have been playing on her mind, moving to another foreign country, homesickness, fear of the unknown - who knows.

The fact is we didn't and don't know your personal relationship - you two talked and you worked it out.

Perhaps Ruby and her Husband will as well.

trailmix apparently Sean spoke with easytarget and gave him the final verdict. Why do people have to come with things like that? Its like telling someone with cancer "oh by the way you are going to die" and they don't know what stage the person is. Sorry easytarget but as I learned 'you cant draw a conclusion without a premise" and right now Sean not wanting to talk with CRH is not enough to say the marriage is over. Come on now

Edited May 15, 2009 by kcoyclay1

[Caladan 19]

The only words of advice I have for you pertain to the counselling.

If you want counselling, I would recommend that you get counselling with a minister at a church of whichever religion you belong to. Even if you are not a religious person. They may be able to offer you spiritual conselling and you can talk the situation out until you reach a good point on the matter.

Counsellors based on psychology or psychiatry will only end up with you hooked on dangerous drugs like anti-depressants which will only destroy your mind and your body. So please don't go this route - you are not feeling the way you're feeling because you have a deficiency of drugs in your system. Make sure your "counsellor" is able to deal with your issues, and is not just a pill-pusher. I have seen too many people ruin their lives this way - when all they wanted was help to begin with. Drugs are not the answer to your problem.

Good luck!

Different forms of treatment work for different people. I know people who can't function without anti-depressants; I know people for whom they don't work. I know people for whom talking to a priest or minister worked wonders; I know others for whom it didn't.

[Caladan 19]

RubyHeart, I'm really sorry to hear about this latest turn of events. No one here can know whether your marriage is salvageable (or whether it's done), because no one here can know whether Sean's words were sent in anger, or frustration, or loneliness.

I will say that C. found the adjustment rough because he went from being part of a very large extended family outside of Edmonton to being here with me, and the sense of loss and frustration he felt at times (like when his grandmother was sick and he wasn't there, or when his uncle was diagnosed with cancer) were very strong. What Sean is feeling is not uncommon, especially if he's been unemployed while waiting on the immigration paperwork. Get yourselves into counseling, or go on your own. You've only been married a few months and you're still adjusting and you've had a major trauma that you need to sort through.

[Misty1979 0]

CptRuby;

I don't know you, you don't know me...but reading the other comments, I think I will share a guys opinion.

It frustrates me to no end that some jerk broke into my house and took my ability to be independent away from me. I don't think it's easy for most people to understand what that feels like.

I do totally understand the home invasion scenario, been there.

However nobody can take something from you, unless you give it to them. Don't allow the guy to take away your independence. Fight for it. Everything else you have said about yourself is contrary to how you currently dealing with the situation. It would be great if Sean was able to support you, but the evidence you are supplying shows that he is unwilling or incapable of doing so. You are on your own!

Whoever it was who said that we can't really judge got it right. Heck, I can't judge and I'm in the situation. I have been very polite and pleasant toward Sean--I made it a point to be after he told me he wants to leave me. I don't think it's productive to be a big jerk when he was so upfront and shared his feelings with me, hurtful as they are. It's too soon to know what I really think of this or to know what to do.

Your right about it being too soon to know what to think. However the thoughts about counseling, and some last minute saving of the marriage are pipe dreams. He was too afraid to admit he didn't want to be in the relationship and couldn't figure out to stop it.

I really don't mean to be cruel, but the marriage is over. Sean has made his decision.

I commented earlier that there were other issues...and finally he is telling you what those issues are. He feels trapped, cornered, isn't in love with you, and isn't ready for a long term relationship. Be thankful that you found out now instead of 4 years from now.

Best of luck to you this weekend. I am sure there will be plenty of tears, anger, and resentment. But in the end you can handle it all.

Your post was so inspiring up until THAT: "I really don't mean to be cruel, but the marriage is over. Sean has made his decision." (Quote isn't working for me today, so quotation marks it is.)

Who are you to decide her marriage is over? I think she's already going through enough right now, and is in no need of a self-proclaimed marriage referree telling her when to throw in the gloves.

Edited May 15, 2009 by Misty1979

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Insensitive posts removed. Rubyheart asked that we treat her with kindness, and not ridicule. Please honour her request.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Fair enough Kathryn. Pertinent note though: when people post intimate and personal details about their lives in a public online forum; it is them who are making their lives a spectacle. kthxbai